Cultural Clash

[PhiloMed]

Looking for a few opinions on how to tactfully handle my family.

My husband’s brother got married in another country a few months ago (his country of origin). My husband did not attend the wedding for safety reasons. Primarily, I didn’t want to see him in the next ISIS video sporting an orange jumpsuit. It isn’t his color. DH wasn’t particularly keen on going for a variety of reasons so it was ultimately his decision but he didn’t go. It didn’t cause tension, exactly, with his family but it did cause a few uncomfortable moments and we are trying to make up for this.

Fast forward to now. BIL’s new bride is still awaiting her paperwork to come to the US under a fiancee visa which was* finally *issued. Their religious marriage in that country is not recognized by the US so when she gets here they need to get civilly married so she can (presumably) stay.

We are planning a wedding reception of sorts for them in our home. Other than DH’s parents, no other family members went to the wedding. It will also be nice for BIL to be able to invite his friends to this as well as some of the bride’s family living in Canada who will be coming down. BIL and his bride are really looking forward to this.

So we have found the “right” ethnic caterers, are renting a hookah, and a belly dancer will be providing the entertainment.

My family has also been invited (at BIL’s request) because they know him and we occasionally share holidays together. This is where the conflict is coming from. The conversation with my mom went like this:
Mom: How are the wedding plans coming along?
Me: Great. We just need to finalize a menu and run it by (bride and groom) and get the tables and chairs rented. We found a belly dancer.
Mom: A what?
Me: a belly dancer.
Mom: Why?
Me: Thats the entertainment. It’s really common for them to have a belly dancer at the wedding. In fact, the in-laws gave us a lot of push-back when we didn’t have one for ours.
Mom: That’s inappropriate. You’re not going to allow THAT in your house are you?!

As much as I’ve tried explaining that this is a cultural norm and not a stripper party, she’s not getting it and seems to have gone and upset her equally prudish brother and sister who have also called me to say they don’t approve of the belly dancer in my home. “What about your children?!” Well, yes, our kids will be here just like they were at their great-uncle’s 80th birthday party where there was also a belly dancer and we all seemed to survive.

I kindly told them that this is simply what we are doing. We are hosting a wedding for the bride and groom not for ourselves. This isn’t my idea of a dream wedding reception, but it isn’t my wedding. More importantly, they may be pleasantly surprised when they see that a belly dancer provides lively entertainment. There will be no dollar bills passed around.

They’re not getting it. One has said he will not come (fine) but continues to badger me about the morality of allowing “such a thing” in my home. Personally, I’m more worried about the water pipe wafting in from the yard and stinking up the living room.

Do I just firmly tell them to cut it out? Come, don’t come, it’s up to them. Keep trying to explain the cultural differences to them and hope they come to an understanding? Getting batted over the head with threats of my children being exposed to immorality is, frankly, really annoying and rather insulting to my parenting so i’m inclined to snipe back at them but that will likely not be productive.

 

[1ke]

Do I just firmly tell them to cut it out?

Yes.

Not one more word about it.

Come, don’t come,

Yep.

Keep trying to explain the cultural differences to them and hope they come to an understanding?

Nope.

 

[pensmama87]

Looking for a few opinions on how to tactfully handle my family.

My husband’s brother got married in another country a few months ago (his country of origin). My husband did not attend the wedding for safety reasons. Primarily, I didn’t want to see him in the next ISIS video sporting an orange jumpsuit. It isn’t his color. DH wasn’t particularly keen on going for a variety of reasons so it was ultimately his decision but he didn’t go. It didn’t cause tension, exactly, with his family but it did cause a few uncomfortable moments and we are trying to make up for this.

Fast forward to now. BIL’s new bride is still awaiting her paperwork to come to the US under a fiancee visa which was* finally *issued. Their religious marriage in that country is not recognized by the US so when she gets here they need to get civilly married so she can (presumably) stay.

We are planning a wedding reception of sorts for them in our home. Other than DH’s parents, no other family members went to the wedding. It will also be nice for BIL to be able to invite his friends to this as well as some of the bride’s family living in Canada who will be coming down. BIL and his bride are really looking forward to this.

So we have found the “right” ethnic caterers, are renting a hookah, and a belly dancer will be providing the entertainment.

My family has also been invited (at BIL’s request) because they know him and we occasionally share holidays together. This is where the conflict is coming from. The conversation with my mom went like this:
Mom: How are the wedding plans coming along?
Me: Great. We just need to finalize a menu and run it by (bride and groom) and get the tables and chairs rented. We found a belly dancer.
Mom: A what?
Me: a belly dancer.
Mom: Why?
Me: Thats the entertainment. It’s really common for them to have a belly dancer at the wedding. In fact, the in-laws gave us a lot of push-back when we didn’t have one for ours.
Mom: That’s inappropriate. You’re not going to allow THAT in your house are you?!

As much as I’ve tried explaining that this is a cultural norm and not a stripper party, she’s not getting it and seems to have gone and upset her equally prudish brother and sister who have also called me to say they don’t approve of the belly dancer in my home. “What about your children?!” Well, yes, our kids will be here just like they were at their great-uncle’s 80th birthday party where there was also a belly dancer and we all seemed to survive.

I kindly told them that this is simply what we are doing. We are hosting a wedding for the bride and groom not for ourselves. This isn’t my idea of a dream wedding reception, but it isn’t my wedding. More importantly, they may be pleasantly surprised when they see that a belly dancer provides lively entertainment. There will be no dollar bills passed around.

They’re not getting it. One has said he will not come (fine) but continues to badger me about the morality of allowing “such a thing” in my home. Personally, I’m more worried about the water pipe wafting in from the yard and stinking up the living room.

Do I just firmly tell them to cut it out? Come, don’t come, it’s up to them. Keep trying to explain the cultural differences to them and hope they come to an understanding? Getting batted over the head with threats of my children being exposed to immorality is, frankly, really annoying and rather insulting to my parenting so i’m inclined to snipe back at them but that will likely not be productive.

That’s what I would do, given that you’ve already tried to explain the cultural differences and they’re not getting it.

Part of the problem may be that belly dancing has become a kind of fashionable thing for young women to do in Western cultures, and in some cases it’s seen as a kind of “stripper lite” rather than having anything to do with the culture(s) it originated in. I have to admit I read “belly dancer” in your post and I had a moment of “Say wha?” My frame of reference for it is really, really different than your husband’s family.

But I like to think I’d give you the benefit of the doubt if you told me about it.

 

[Kelfa28]

I used to take belly dancing lessons.

Lots of fun and a great work out…really does wonders for the hips, stomach and thighs.
I’d love to get back into it if I had the time.

Yeah…if I were you, I’d just drop the subject every time it’s brought up. Just tell them they don’t have to come and you are perfectly comfortable with the decision you are making.

Then just politely remind them that you won’t be discussing this any further.

 

[PhiloMed]

That’s what I would do, given that you’ve already tried to explain the cultural differences and they’re not getting it.

Part of the problem may be that belly dancing has become a kind of fashionable thing for young women to do in Western cultures, and in some cases it’s seen as a kind of “stripper lite” rather than having anything to do with the culture(s) it originated in. I have to admit I read “belly dancer” in your post and I had a moment of “Say wha?” My frame of reference for it is really, really different than your husband’s family.

But I like to think I’d give you the benefit of the doubt if you told me about it.

Yeah I’m not going to say that those belly dancers are much more covered up because they surely aren’t. The music is 100% Arabic (they’re not pole dancing to Pour some Sugar on Me). The first time I saw it I thought it was really weird, but I’ve been to enough weddings and birthday parties that I have sort of gotten used to seeing someone wearing rhinestones dancing with grandma.

Their costume is bikini-like with additional material that is see-thru flowing around them.

I think I have just gotten so used it being the norm that it doesn’t register as being scandalous to me, but I also don’t want my family to be uncomfortable. I hope they can come to appreciate some of the cultural customs from my husband’s family. It is, after all, 50% of who my children are.

 

[PhiloMed]

Hey! Do any of you want to come to the party?

Kelfa can show off her moves. The belly dancers love audience participation.

I think it’s going to be a fantastic party and quite kid friendly despite what some of my family thinks. It looks like we might have a few seats available anyway.

 

[Regina7]

Hey! Do any of you want to come to the party?

Kelfa can show off her moves. The belly dancers love audience participation.

I think it’s going to be a fantastic party and quite kid friendly despite what some of my family thinks. It looks like we might have a few seats available anyway.

Great! What’s your address?

 

[Sophie_Lawrence]

A number of years ago I went to a Persian Jewish Bar Mitzvah, and there was a belly dancer.

I didn’t find it shocking or scandalizing.

 

[St_Francis]

Just out of curiosity, what goes in the hookah? Tobacco?

 

[PhiloMed]

Just out of curiosity, what goes in the hookah? Tobacco?

Yes, various flavored tobacco. Vanilla, Fruity ones, Mint, etc. It’s terribly unhealthy because you’re deeply inhaling the tobacco. Not my cup of tea, but it’s something they do maybe once a year at a party.

 

[pensmama87]

Hey! Do any of you want to come to the party?

Kelfa can show off her moves. The belly dancers love audience participation.

I think it’s going to be a fantastic party and quite kid friendly despite what some of my family thinks. It looks like we might have a few seats available anyway.

Yeah! I bet the food will be amazing.

(Sometimes I’m a bit envious that my ethnic heritage has very little to recommend it as far as food goes.)

 

[UbiCaritas]

Would a blog post by a conservative Catholic belly dancer help at all, do you think?

lifeofacatholiclibrarian.com/2013/06/a-catholicbelly-dancer-its-modesty-post.html

Tiffany is quite conservative on the Catholic “scale,” and belly dances for fun. She posts about it fairly frequently, but this is sort of her “main” one on the subject.

And I, for one, would LOVE to come!!! It sounds like an awesome party!

 

[St_Francis]

Yes, various flavored tobacco. Vanilla, Fruity ones, Mint, etc. It’s terribly unhealthy because you’re deeply inhaling the tobacco. Not my cup of tea, but it’s something they do maybe once a year at a party.

Thanks! And now I also know where the idea of flavored tobacco comes from!

 

[PhiloMed]

Would a blog post by a conservative Catholic belly dancer help at all, do you think?

lifeofacatholiclibrarian.com/2013/06/a-catholicbelly-dancer-its-modesty-post.html

Tiffany is quite conservative on the Catholic “scale,” and belly dances for fun. She posts about it fairly frequently, but this is sort of her “main” one on the subject.

And I, for one, would LOVE to come!!! It sounds like an awesome party!

Yes! Actually, it might help me to soften my mom a bit. I couldn’t find the right word for what the performance is, but Tiffany described it as “feminine”. That’s perfect.

It’s also about the intention of the performance. There’s taking clothes off for the purpose of arousal, and then there’s performing a centuries old folk dance at a celebration.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Yes! Actually, it might help me to soften my mom a bit. I couldn’t find the right word for what the performance is, but Tiffany described it as “feminine”. That’s perfect.

It’s also about the intention of the performance. There’s taking clothes off for the purpose of arousal, and then there’s performing a centuries old folk dance at a celebration.

Yay! Glad I may have been able to help. I can’t imagine ever belly dancing myself, but I always love reading Tiffany’s posts about it so I can live vicariously through her.

 

[edwest2]

Looking for a few opinions on how to tactfully handle my family.

My husband’s brother got married in another country a few months ago (his country of origin). My husband did not attend the wedding for safety reasons. Primarily, I didn’t want to see him in the next ISIS video sporting an orange jumpsuit. It isn’t his color. DH wasn’t particularly keen on going for a variety of reasons so it was ultimately his decision but he didn’t go. It didn’t cause tension, exactly, with his family but it did cause a few uncomfortable moments and we are trying to make up for this.

Fast forward to now. BIL’s new bride is still awaiting her paperwork to come to the US under a fiancee visa which was* finally *issued. Their religious marriage in that country is not recognized by the US so when she gets here they need to get civilly married so she can (presumably) stay.

We are planning a wedding reception of sorts for them in our home. Other than DH’s parents, no other family members went to the wedding. It will also be nice for BIL to be able to invite his friends to this as well as some of the bride’s family living in Canada who will be coming down. BIL and his bride are really looking forward to this.

So we have found the “right” ethnic caterers, are renting a hookah, and a belly dancer will be providing the entertainment.

My family has also been invited (at BIL’s request) because they know him and we occasionally share holidays together. This is where the conflict is coming from. The conversation with my mom went like this:
Mom: How are the wedding plans coming along?
Me: Great. We just need to finalize a menu and run it by (bride and groom) and get the tables and chairs rented. We found a belly dancer.
Mom: A what?
Me: a belly dancer.
Mom: Why?
Me: Thats the entertainment. It’s really common for them to have a belly dancer at the wedding. In fact, the in-laws gave us a lot of push-back when we didn’t have one for ours.
Mom: That’s inappropriate. You’re not going to allow THAT in your house are you?!

As much as I’ve tried explaining that this is a cultural norm and not a stripper party, she’s not getting it and seems to have gone and upset her equally prudish brother and sister who have also called me to say they don’t approve of the belly dancer in my home. “What about your children?!” Well, yes, our kids will be here just like they were at their great-uncle’s 80th birthday party where there was also a belly dancer and we all seemed to survive.

I kindly told them that this is simply what we are doing. We are hosting a wedding for the bride and groom not for ourselves. This isn’t my idea of a dream wedding reception, but it isn’t my wedding. More importantly, they may be pleasantly surprised when they see that a belly dancer provides lively entertainment. There will be no dollar bills passed around.

They’re not getting it. One has said he will not come (fine) but continues to badger me about the morality of allowing “such a thing” in my home. Personally, I’m more worried about the water pipe wafting in from the yard and stinking up the living room.

Do I just firmly tell them to cut it out? Come, don’t come, it’s up to them. Keep trying to explain the cultural differences to them and hope they come to an understanding? Getting batted over the head with threats of my children being exposed to immorality is, frankly, really annoying and rather insulting to my parenting so i’m inclined to snipe back at them but that will likely not be productive.

Belly dancing may be considered to be OK in another country/culture, but viewed as inappropriate by others, including the US. My parents both came from another country. My mother made it to the US because she had a few relatives here, but my father needed to get a Visa. Then they got married.

While the human body is not offensive, I consider the outfit worn to be a bit too revealing, and the movements, to be a bit too sexual. I don’t mind being called a prude, so I suggest the invitations go out and whoever doesn’t want to go to let you know. That way, you can plan the reception. No need to get into a sniping match, but I do understand where you’re coming from.

Ed

 

[Johnny_Local]

Yeah! I bet the food will be amazing.

(Sometimes I’m a bit envious that my ethnic heritage has very little to recommend it as far as food goes.)

I hear that. The cuisine typical of my heritage relies heavily on condensed mushroom soup.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I hear that. The cuisine typical of my heritage relies heavily on condensed mushroom soup.

Ah, but do they add the ever-tasty crushed potato chip topping to any casserole that can’t run away fast enough?

gags

Oh, Midwestern food. With few exceptions (a proper appreciation of bratwurst comes to mind), I do not miss you.

 

[Xantippe]

There’s an old Egyptian 1960s comedy called Mother of the Bride that you might want to share with your family (it’s sort of an Egyptian rip-off of the old American 1950s Father of the Bride).

imdb.com/title/tt0373921/

The couple has a very chaste courtship (dates chaperoned by multiple younger siblings) and then at the very end, there’s a wedding with a belly dancer.

That might or might not get the point across that 50 years ago, it was respectable entertainment for a middle class Middle Eastern family.

Looking for a few opinions on how to tactfully handle my family.

My husband’s brother got married in another country a few months ago (his country of origin). My husband did not attend the wedding for safety reasons. Primarily, I didn’t want to see him in the next ISIS video sporting an orange jumpsuit. It isn’t his color. DH wasn’t particularly keen on going for a variety of reasons so it was ultimately his decision but he didn’t go. It didn’t cause tension, exactly, with his family but it did cause a few uncomfortable moments and we are trying to make up for this.

Fast forward to now. BIL’s new bride is still awaiting her paperwork to come to the US under a fiancee visa which was* finally *issued. Their religious marriage in that country is not recognized by the US so when she gets here they need to get civilly married so she can (presumably) stay.

We are planning a wedding reception of sorts for them in our home. Other than DH’s parents, no other family members went to the wedding. It will also be nice for BIL to be able to invite his friends to this as well as some of the bride’s family living in Canada who will be coming down. BIL and his bride are really looking forward to this.

So we have found the “right” ethnic caterers, are renting a hookah, and a belly dancer will be providing the entertainment.

My family has also been invited (at BIL’s request) because they know him and we occasionally share holidays together. This is where the conflict is coming from. The conversation with my mom went like this:
Mom: How are the wedding plans coming along?
Me: Great. We just need to finalize a menu and run it by (bride and groom) and get the tables and chairs rented. We found a belly dancer.
Mom: A what?
Me: a belly dancer.
Mom: Why?
Me: Thats the entertainment. It’s really common for them to have a belly dancer at the wedding. In fact, the in-laws gave us a lot of push-back when we didn’t have one for ours.
Mom: That’s inappropriate. You’re not going to allow THAT in your house are you?!

As much as I’ve tried explaining that this is a cultural norm and not a stripper party, she’s not getting it and seems to have gone and upset her equally prudish brother and sister who have also called me to say they don’t approve of the belly dancer in my home. “What about your children?!” Well, yes, our kids will be here just like they were at their great-uncle’s 80th birthday party where there was also a belly dancer and we all seemed to survive.

I kindly told them that this is simply what we are doing. We are hosting a wedding for the bride and groom not for ourselves. This isn’t my idea of a dream wedding reception, but it isn’t my wedding. More importantly, they may be pleasantly surprised when they see that a belly dancer provides lively entertainment. There will be no dollar bills passed around.

They’re not getting it. One has said he will not come (fine) but continues to badger me about the morality of allowing “such a thing” in my home. Personally, I’m more worried about the water pipe wafting in from the yard and stinking up the living room.

Do I just firmly tell them to cut it out? Come, don’t come, it’s up to them. Keep trying to explain the cultural differences to them and hope they come to an understanding? Getting batted over the head with threats of my children being exposed to immorality is, frankly, really annoying and rather insulting to my parenting so i’m inclined to snipe back at them but that will likely not be productive.

 

[PhiloMed]

There’s an old Egyptian 1960s comedy called Mother of the Bride that you might want to share with your family (it’s sort of an Egyptian rip-off of the old American 1950s Father of the Bride).

imdb.com/title/tt0373921/

The couple has a very chaste courtship (dates chaperoned by multiple younger siblings) and then at the very end, there’s a wedding with a belly dancer.

That might or might not get the point across that 50 years ago, it was respectable entertainment for a middle class Middle Eastern family.

That’s fantastic! My BIL’s courtship was more or less like that. They weren’t constantly chaperoned but almost It was a whirlwind two weeks of face to face courtship followed by a month of phone/skype across oceans and then a proposal. Both BIL and the bride live with their parents and are in their mid 30’s so even the phone and Skype wasn’t completely private.