Currently struggling

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anon97089806

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Don’t use these forums very often anymore besides some lurking, so not sure if this is the right section… But, I don’t know.

I have been struggling for a bit now with my mind, not so much with what people have been saying anymore, but more with what I have been telling myself. So, for years now, I have been certain that I am transgender, however whenever it came time to come out, I would chicken out.

Now looking at it recently, after paying more attention to what people around me have said, I find that in some weird way, other people somehow knew more about me than myself. I no longer identify as transgender, and have gone back to what originally triggered these feelings, the discussion my old youth group had on the LGBTQ community.

At that point in time, I had noticed that I felt zero attraction to women, and some attraction to men. I was just starting to get comfortable with the idea, and knew that my parents would accept me. However, my youth group had noticed that one of the other guys in the class was “showing signs” of being gay, so they decided to have a random discussion with no warning, on a day when that guy was out of town.

I guess that is where the feelings got all confused for me, and I learned that being gay isn’t really okay in the world of Christianity, and coming out while trying to pursue Worship music as a career was probably a horrible idea. So in my head I came up with two options, try to conform, or leave Christianity behind.

I went with the former, which somehow lead to me eventually identifying as trans, and leaving Christianity behind anyways.

So now, after 3 years of struggling with my own thoughts(these last few months being the worst),

I have started to go back to my original “calling”. I have been struggling to just get out of bed on some days, and most of the time isolating myself from even my family. I think I would now be around that point that I probably should have been seeking help, since the suicidal thoughts have been coming and going for the last month, and… I don’t know. I have been kind of afraid of myself for a while now too, that I may just give up and go do some irreversible damage to myself(not that I haven’t already).

But, I guess after this weird post, I will try to tie it together a bit. Where I am now, after finally listening, and not thinking so much, I have come to terms with that fact that I am gay, and at least for me, that is okay. I currently don’t feel the need to come out as that, if I do have the chance again without causing a scene, I will(which is a likely chance since my brother’s girlfriend pretty much constantly asks if I am).

And now I am left with the career choice. Do I pursue the obvious love I have for cooking? Or do I go back to the one clear passion I have always had, Christian music? I am leaning toward the latter since I have ALWAYS wanted to pursue it, and where I am now, I actually have enough knowledge, equipment, and opportunities to actually do that.

I guess my reason for posting here, is to actually have this down somewhere so I can’t fall back into the “darkness” within my mind. Also so I can seek some advice on if I should even bother attempting to pursue worship music as what is very obviously not welcome in most of my local churches.

Also, for what I consider my religion nowadays, that is a hard one for me… I guess I believe in the Christian God, I just don’t really know how that relates to me anymore.

Thanks for reading this confusing mess of thoughts…
 
I can tell you are really struggling right now. First and foremost, I will keep you in my prayers during this difficult journey. I am sure you are going to get a lot of advice on here to seek professional help and speak to a priest. Both of those are good suggestions and I encourage you to consider them.

However, in your post you are still conflicted about your belief in God. In my opinion, I think all of the other things you are struggling with will become a lot more clear once you are able to work through your faith and determine what you truly believe in. To try and tackle all of your questions at one time would likely be overwhelming and very conflicting. Especially because our society sends us VERY conflicting messages about what is acceptable day after day.

My advice is to just start with determining your faith and what you find to be true. Read books, watch testimonials online, speak with religious leaders, and most importantly pray. Spend some time figuring out the history behind the Bible and what happened after Christ’s death.

Once you are able to get some solid footing on what you believe and why you believe it, you will be able to have a foundation on how to tackle your other struggles.

As I said at the beginning, I will pray for you friend!
 
anon97089806 said:
… I currently don’t feel the need to come out as that, if I do have the chance again without causing a scene, I will …
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  • “coming out gay” - I would try to provoke you to the thought of building up others’ thinking - do you for example want to call yourself a “chaste gay Christian” because that is a nice mind stretching concept for most of the public
(That is assuming the “coming out” concept really has enough going for it when you have considered it deeply.)
  • sexuality and attractions are private until or unless they threaten others’ mental and physical safety. It’s arguable that your brother’s current girlfriend should be tactfully steered toward losing interest in yours, especially if she’s not too clear what “gay” means
  • attractions are attractions. Sexualised attractions = ingrained lust.
In the discussion you referred to, and your ensuing time, conforming as you thought to the not-OK-ness of “being gay” led you to overreactions in all directions. To help you achieve your right balance, you could critique what in your mind is meant by “being gay”.

I’m not familiar with various specifically Lutheran schools of thought, but I hope this is of help! 2016 is no time to not be our own man.

Hoping your life will always be full of copious music and cooking, both!
 
anon97089806 said:
… I have been struggling for a bit now with my mind, not so much with what people have been saying anymore, but more with what I have been telling myself. … I have been struggling to just get out of bed on some days, and most of the time isolating myself from even my family. I think I would now be around that point that I probably should have been seeking help, since the suicidal thoughts have been coming and going for the last month, and… I don’t know. I have been kind of afraid of myself for a while now too, that I may just give up and go do some irreversible damage to myself(not that I haven’t already). …
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Something else struck me. I’ve been inspired by various reading materials about the following. Detaching from and becoming more individual from the image one’s family members and acquaintances - inside and outside the Church have for one.

I’ve been fortunate in that my family of origin largely tried hard to not be controlling (only sometimes slipping up a little). I’ve swung between controlling church groups and utterly indifferent, cold church groups. In my old age, I’m cottoning on!

Your first sentence says a great deal - it will be endlessly fruitful to mull over “what I have been telling myself” which indeed purports to draw on what others have told us, the way they told us, for the reason we assumed they told us. All well worth teasing apart and unpacking.

This will have its impact on your conception of “worship”. The worship of God is to not stunt the growth of the widows and orphans (paraphrasing) - those with spiritual gifts in the Church. Do your fellow congregation members have a thirst to all manifest the various spiritual gifts (I’m not much referring to tongues or “laying on of hands”)? Are you begging God that those be manifested in them? (Just muttering the Lord’s Prayer, may be a way of doing this.)

Take your time - your life’s ahead of you.
 
Vic_Taltrees_UK said:
…
  • attractions are attractions. Sexualised attractions = ingrained lust.
    …
Click to expand...
To add to the range of “attractions” (for readers in general, not knowing whether you are “there” or not) (writing as a single man myself):
  • crushes except the brief ones children sometimes have may involve non-appropriate romanticism and valueless sentimentality.
  • my old mate when he caught himself having an attack of the DDGs (“drop dead gorgeous”) used to chuckle at himself and reflect that it is a good thing there are so many beautiful people in the world!
In some forms of spirituality people would train themselves to keep their eyes down. Also, we have been told wisely it’s rude to stare for example.

As you’re into food, any “dish” you inadvertently catch sight of could form a reminder to reflect on your favourite dish - on a plate! 😉
 
Praying for you. You may want to contact Courage International, a support apostolate of the Catholic Church for those experiencing Same sex Attraction.
God bless you.
 
Hey man. I’m glad you’ve gotten this far. I mean it’s been a bit of a road for you for sure.

So now you’ve got a couple choices. You can take 1 of 2 angles.

What you do is up to you. But of course I can help if you want to stay in the Christian camp. Just let me know man. There’s a way forward you can follow.

Peace buddy.

-Trident
 
I think that, before you consider going into religious music, you should straighten out your own religious beliefs. Since you say you still believe in God, you should ask Him to give you faith and strengthen you in your struggles. If you are still having suicidal or harmful thoughts, get some medical help from psychologists or something lest you carry out those thoughts. I don’t see any good that will come out from “coming out”. Since it seems your church won’t look fondly on you if you come out, it might be best to just keep it a secret. May God console you.
 
anon97089806 said:
Don’t use these forums very often anymore besides some lurking, so not sure if this is the right section… But, I don’t know.

I have been struggling for a bit now with my mind, not so much with what people have been saying anymore, but more with what I have been telling myself. So, for years now, I have been certain that I am transgender, however whenever it came time to come out, I would chicken out.
Click to expand...
Oh my dear, I am sorry you are in so much pain. I am clinical psychologist and psychotherapist for 50 years before I retire, with specialisation in working with LGBT clients. I must first ask you to forgive my English, as I am quite short on practice these days. I speak to you not just as therapist, but also as Catholic, as practice of contemplative prayer, and as old lady who has seen much and lived through much in this life.

What I would convey to you first is to know is that there is nothing you must do or change in this moment to earn God’s love. God loves you just as you are, completely and unconditionally. God is with you always and not only known your pain, but shares your pain.

As you might guess, I would encourage you to seek the help of a professional therapist who specialises in LGBT issues. Secrets provide the darkness where toxic things may thrive. In all of my years of experience with therapy, I have never worked with an LGBT person who did not suffer from toxic shame. You see, there is shame that is healthy, that we feel when we have wronged, but toxic shame is shame that we feel just for existing, just for being who we are. And it is incredibly destructive. I think you will understand this.

A gifted therapist can help you to begin to address and release this shame. You have taken an important first step here and I encourage you to continue speaking your truth. It is not easy, but please know that it is possible to overcome and to accept yourself. I have seen many LGBT people not only overcome, but thrive and come to accept their orientation as a blessing. Many of your fellow Christians will not understand the debilitating effects of toxic shame and may not understand how religion often contributes and exacerbates it. Often LGBT people are shamed into not acknowledging the role that their religious beliefs have contributed to this shame. They will have the best of intentions, but will simply not understand. That is OK. Be patient with them. You are taking a journey that they cannot possibly know or understand, but put your trust in the Holy Spirit, who will guide you.

I ask you right now to try a very simple exercise, a meditation. You know, many people misunderstand that in Hebrew, speaking the name of God was not forbidden. This hides a deeper truth. Remember that in Hebrew, no vowels are written. An educated jew knows where and what vowels are inserted. But consider the name of God: YHWH. Try to pronounce the word without any vowels. These are what linguists would call aspirate consonants, meaning that without inserting vowels, one will simply breathe. Try this yourself. Breath out (YH), and breathe in (WH). The name of God is breath itself. The first utterance you ever made was the name of God and so will be the last. I ask you to try this and as your breath in and out, feel the presence of God, always with you, in your every breath.

As human beings, we cannot possibly understand the great wonder of God’s creation, especially why some experience such great suffering, but what we can understand if we open our hearts is that out of this suffering God creates things of such beauty we cannot possibly imagine. I feel only blessed by God for having quite accidentally fallen into this specialty many many years ago. I have learned from my clients how to love more deeply and take joy more deeply. I assure you not that it will be not easily accomplished or achieved without great difficulty, but that you have more strength than you know, and through your struggle the Holy Spirit can guide you to joy you never imagined you could experience.

God bless you my dear. I pray for you and for the great gifts you have to share. Remember, we are one in the Spirit. We are one in the Lord.
 
Whatever problem we have it is much easier to share it than to keep it in. One way you have of sharing is to have conversations with Jesus. Tell him whatever it is that plagues you at the moment … he wants you to tell him for he is interested in all that you feel and do in his loving way. Don’t hide anything from him for that is impossible anyway since he sustains us every moment of our life.

Sometimes it is difficult to explain ourselves to someone because the problem seems so complicated and explaining all the inuendoes and so laborious. But that is where Jesus understands it all and will never misunderstand. That is why it is so easy to speak with him … he already understands exactly what we miserably try to define and mess up. Just be honest and sincere and loving with him. It is the catharsus we most need with our creator.

I can’t give you a lot of advise but Jesus can if you open yourself up to him and listen to him carefully in silence. He can make things happen if we let him by our confidence and trust.

Always tell him of your trust and love and ask for the peace that he said he would provide.
 
Sorry for the late response, this weekend was pretty busy(or mostly Friday, the rest was just being very tired).

I did actually read the replies pretty early on(forgot when I posted this), so I have had time to sort of think more. I guess for me, I still really don’t see the point of dating, although I do now recognize I am attracted to men, one of the reasons I don’t feel the need to come out, is that I generally just don’t see myself ever actually dating and getting married. It is just something I have never felt the need to do.

I do admit, I would love to feel how it is to love someone enough that you would want to spend the rest of your life with them, but I don’t think that is something I will ever actually do. Not because I am selfish or anything(like some of my dad’s friends never got married purely because it allowed them to have more time for partying and stuff), but just because I don’t see the point.

I did have a tough time these 24 hours though, due to you know, finally feeling like maybe I could try converting to Catholicism again, but then discovering that one of the local Catholic families is being toxic again(last night was a racist rant, today it was a very anti-gay rant). Which for me, raises the question of if I really want to be associated with Christianity again.

But, having looked into other similar religions, there will always be those parts I guess, like for protestants it is say Westboro, or Islam it is ISIS…

Then I guess, the question of converting, leads me back to the fact that I did feel some kind of pull at one point. after reading and watching a lot of stories on the priesthood… Which in my mind is weird to think about converting and pursuing that at almost twenty years old(weird to think I have managed to avoid getting my drivers’ license for nearly 4 years).

I think at this point it does really come down to praying, and possibly finding someone to actually talk to… (My only issue with the local priest is that I really can’t understand him due to his accent)
 
Hi everyone,

I am new in this site and would also like to post my testimonials about my current situation. I am going through a lot of struggles my self. Financially or in debt, currently separated and jobless. i have started my novena to St Jude Thaddeus 2 weeks ago, asking for his intercession to help me pray to our lord Jesus Christ and Heavenly God the Father to help me get through what Im in right now. Everyday, i devoted myself to talk to Jesus to forgive my sins. Everyday crying when im praying…St Jude intercede for me just now, I felt so happy and even crying with happiness. One of my wishes and request was granted…I promised to published my dearest thank you to St Jude regarding his help.

jena
 
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