Cutting contact with father after years of no interest

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AdamP88

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So I’ve decided to avoid contact with my father from now on because he has disappointed me so often in the past. He was invited to my recent wedding and basically called up on the day to say “he had to be at work” so he couldn’t make it. He works as the manager of a fast food franchise so it’s not like he “had” to be there. I also know for a fact that he has an assistant manager that can take over in his absence. So this and many other similar incidents over the years have just led me to think it’s not worth bothering anymore. I’ve reached out on multiple occasions and asked him can we go to events together. But he just seems to be interested in his own schedule.
Fortunately I’ve got a very good stepfather who has always been there for me and my brother, so it’s not that bad in that sense.

That said, I do wish my father actually wanted a relationship with his kids.

Where I’m at now…I just feel like he’s let me down once too often. I don’t particularly want my future kids to feel this way…that they have a grandad that never calls or texts and has no interest in them. So I just plan to not contact him again. If he calls me someday, I’ll respond. But I’m not planning on reaching out any more. And I’d probably limit my kids contact with him while they’re young.

Am I justified in this course of action or am I being unforgiving/unchristian etc?
 
I am so sorry to hear this Adam. It must have put a slight damper on your recent wedding, but honestly, it was his loss.

Since he has been like this for years, it may be time to do as you say and stop trying. Leave it up to him. If you can forgive him though. It would be a help to you. A priest recently told me that it is okay to forgive someone, but not want to be in contact with them anymore. He said there are toxic people that you do not have to be around, family or not. And I know that your father is not around anyway, but it really is the same thing. So if you can forgive him, that would be for the best.

You would know better than I Adam, the bible reading about pruning the tree that bears no fruit. And how if after pruning and trying to bear fruit without success, it is cut down.

You are a thoughtful, intelligent young man with a beautiful, loving wife. Please feel free to put your past without your father behind you and begin this, your most special time in life. If he decides to come back into your life someday, you can decide then what to do. God bless you and your wife.
 
It is possible to have contact with someone while being very open that it isn’t reasonable to act as if you can rely on them to show up when they promise they will or to do what they promise they’ll do. If they don’t like that, then tell them, “well, be more reliable about coming to events you say you’re coming to, and that might change. Otherwise, let’s be reasonable. I can either treat you as unreliable or I can wring your neck when I expect you to do what you say and you don’t. I think not putting you in a position to get your neck wrung is the way to go.”

For instance, this is not someone you agree that you will meet somewhere on the way to a final destination. You go to the destination and you let them either get there on time or not on their own. This is not someone you rely on to bring a meal to a potluck. This is not someone you plan to sit with at a ballgame. You plan with them with the open recognition that you have learned you have to make contingency plans for the very real possibility that he won’t show up. If it is important that all parties at an occasion actually show up as promised and on time, you don’t invite him. You can, however, tell him that you are going to be at the family reunion in July and hope you’ll see him there. You can tell him you have a lunch date open, and if he’s interested on the day that’s available, he can call you, or that you and the kids will be home on such and so a day and he can come by, if he likes. You can invite him to your Super Bowl party; you don’t put him in charge of bringing anything important.

By the way, this teaches your children both that you make reasonable accommodations to the way people are rather than the way you wish they were without continuing to put someone in a position of trust they don’t deserve.

This will result in seeing your dad a lot less, but unless he offends you by treating you or your children in an unacceptable way when you are together, you may want to avoid cutting him off for being a self-centered oblivious flake rather than for being abusive.
 
EasterJoy said:
By the way, this teaches your children both that you make reasonable accommodations to the way people are rather than the way you wish they were without continuing to put someone in a position of trust they don’t deserve.

This will result in seeing your dad a lot less, but unless he offends you by treating you or your children in an unacceptable way when you are together, you may want to avoid cutting him off for being a self-centered oblivious flake rather than for being abusive.
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What this teaches your children is that dad can be treated with disrespect and he just takes it. After a while, your children will wonder why you put up with being treated so shabbily by your own father. In my opinion, Adam’s father is already being offensive to his own son, why would Adam want to subject his children to that someday? The way I see it, his father is already “treating him in an unacceptable way.”
 
Irishmom2 said:
I am so sorry to hear this Adam. It must have put a slight damper on your recent wedding, but honestly, it was his loss.

Since he has been like this for years, it may be time to do as you say and stop trying. Leave it up to him. If you can forgive him though. It would be a help to you. A priest recently told me that it is okay to forgive someone, but not want to be in contact with them anymore. He said there are toxic people that you do not have to be around, family or not. And I know that your father is not around anyway, but it really is the same thing. So if you can forgive him, that would be for the best.

You would know better than I Adam, the bible reading about pruning the tree that bears no fruit. And how if after pruning and trying to bear fruit without success, it is cut down.

You are a thoughtful, intelligent young man with a beautiful, loving wife. Please feel free to put your past without your father behind you and begin this, your most special time in life. If he decides to come back into your life someday, you can decide then what to do. God bless you and your wife.
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Generally speaking, it is better to impose an intermediate consequence before imposing the most extreme consequence. The father may take insult and cut off contact himself, but you have given the party an opening to make amends without continuing to give them a chance to add to their offenses.

I would introduce this new policy, with the example of the wedding being the last straw. Nobody misses their son’s wedding unless they can (and do) offer ample evidence of what came up to keep them from coming and all the things they did in vain to get around the difficulties. Otherwise, someone who just says, “oh, oops, can’t come to your wedding after all” to a family member ought to expect the bride and groom to be gravely offended.

There are flakes who think, “Oh, they’ll be OK. They know how life is with me.” There gets to be a point (early on, in the best case) where you say, “No, we are not OK. Your flakiness is not OK, This is not ‘how life is with you.’ It is the priority you choose to give to us. Until you start acting better–that is, the way the rest of us act as a matter of course, not just ‘better considering it is you’!–you’re going to take the consequences of your flakiness, not us.”
 
Irishmom2 said:
What this teaches your children is that dad can be treated with disrespect and he just takes it. After a while, your children will wonder why you put up with being treated so shabbily by your own father. In my opinion, Adam’s father is already being offensive to his own son, why would Adam want to subject his children to that someday? The way I see it, his father is already “treating him in an unacceptable way.”
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No, he should not just take it.

For instance, at a wedding, you don’t give this guy a place-card spot at the main table. You let him know he is welcome to come, but unfortunately you’re not holding a place of honor for him. You don’t hold up the start of an event for him the way you might for someone who is reliable. You don’t issue invitations–such as to sit with you at a ballgame–where his absence will be directly felt. He wants to show up like one of the birds, then he gets a place on the guest list like the birds do.

Ol’ Dad may be embarrassed by this and stop showing up. He may presume to get angry. Let him get angry, but that’s the spot he has earned for himself. He can take it or leave it. I would guess he’ll use this as an excuse to be even more flaky, but in that case you made your try and you just quit inviting him at all. Either he invites you and sets up the occasion, or you won’t be seeing him.

What is mostly important, though, is to let the father know that things can get worse and that if he does not start to make you a priority, you won’t even be inclined to accept his invitations for contact. He has been an unreliable self-centered jerk, and it is no offense to let him know that his flakiness has consequences.

I offer the middle ground as a third way, a way to let these offenses have their natural consequences without going all the way to cutting off contact as the first reaction to this ongoing problem. I am not saying the OP is overreacting or that he is wrong to quit socializing with a flake who treats his invitations so shabbily.
 
For the relatives in my life that I have ended contact with, i realized that maintaining a relationship was being an occasion of sin for them. I was giving them opportunities to hurt my family and myself so I stopped contact.

Hope this helps:)
 
mommy_k said:
For the relatives in my life that I have ended contact with, i realized that maintaining a relationship was being an occasion of sin for them. I was giving them opportunities to hurt my family and myself so I stopped contact.

Hope this helps:)
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I agree with this. Even putting people on a B list of contact involves “management” and it still enables them to act badly with the new rules that are in place.
 
mommy_k said:
For the relatives in my life that I have ended contact with, i realized that maintaining a relationship was being an occasion of sin for them. I was giving them opportunities to hurt my family and myself so I stopped contact.

Hope this helps:)
Click to expand...
Yup. Dad’s loss. Some people just don’t know how to “adult”, and that’s never a child’s fault, no matter how old a child becomes.
I’m astounded that some folks just don’t get that.
We teach people how to treat us sometimes, but other times, they’re just awkward people. Why give dad permission to be rude? Accountability. It’s a real thing. Consequences.

No, you’re fine Adam. You’re not disrespecting him, he’s abandoning you.
Big difference.

Praying to the Holy Family fro you, your new spouse, and your extended family.
Have a blessed Christmas and a lovely New Year.
Clare
 
EasterJoy said:
It is possible to have contact with someone while being very open that it isn’t reasonable to act as if you can rely on them to show up when they promise they will or to do what they promise they’ll do. If they don’t like that, then tell them, “well, be more reliable about coming to events you say you’re coming to, and that might change. Otherwise, let’s be reasonable. I can either treat you as unreliable or I can wring your neck when I expect you to do what you say and you don’t. I think not putting you in a position to get your neck wrung is the way to go.”

For instance, this is not someone you agree that you will meet somewhere on the way to a final destination. You go to the destination and you let them either get there on time or not on their own. This is not someone you rely on to bring a meal to a potluck. This is not someone you plan to sit with at a ballgame. You plan with them with the open recognition that you have learned you have to make contingency plans for the very real possibility that he won’t show up. If it is important that all parties at an occasion actually show up as promised and on time, you don’t invite him. You can, however, tell him that you are going to be at the family reunion in July and hope you’ll see him there. You can tell him you have a lunch date open, and if he’s interested on the day that’s available, he can call you, or that you and the kids will be home on such and so a day and he can come by, if he likes. You can invite him to your Super Bowl party; you don’t put him in charge of bringing anything important.

By the way, this teaches your children both that you make reasonable accommodations to the way people are rather than the way you wish they were without continuing to put someone in a position of trust they don’t deserve.

This will result in seeing your dad a lot less, but unless he offends you by treating you or your children in an unacceptable way when you are together, you may want to avoid cutting him off for being a self-centered oblivious flake rather than for being abusive.
Click to expand...
I think this teaches my kids that it’s ok to accept people’s bad behaviour an to be ok with it rather than to actually hope that the person might improve. The position I am in…I’m fairly sure my dad won’t improve after 28 years of being the same with no change. I already see my father rarely. I just have come to the point where I’m resigning myself to the fact that he actually doesn’t care to have a relationship with my brother and I. And to avoid future hurt, I’m not going to make an effort to contact him anymore because it all comes from my end. I have a loving and interested stepfather who has raised us like his own sons and I feel like he is more my father than my biological father.

Just to correct you…he’s not just a “flake”…he’s a bad father and hasn’t been around in our lives at all. He didn’t make the effort to attend my wedding and gave a lame excuse. For me, that was the last straw. He didn’t even bother to reply when I texted to ask why he wasn’t going to make it.
 
Yup. Dad’s loss. Some people just don’t know how to “adult”, and that’s never a child’s fault, no matter how old a child becomes.
I’m astounded that some folks just don’t get that.
We teach people how to treat us sometimes, but other times, they’re just awkward people. Why give dad permission to be rude? Accountability. It’s a real thing. Consequences.

No, you’re fine Adam. You’re not disrespecting him, he’s abandoning you.
Big difference.
Click to expand...
Praying to the Holy Family fro you, your new spouse, and your extended family.
Have a blessed Christmas and a lovely New Year.
Clare
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I am so sorry to hear this Adam. It must have put a slight damper on your recent wedding, but honestly, it was his loss.
Click to expand...
Since he has been like this for years, it may be time to do as you say and stop trying. Leave it up to him. If you can forgive him though. It would be a help to you. A priest recently told me that it is okay to forgive someone, but not want to be in contact with them anymore. He said there are toxic people that you do not have to be around, family or not. And I know that your father is not around anyway, but it really is the same thing. So if you can forgive him, that would be for the best.
Click to expand...
You would know better than I Adam, the bible reading about pruning the tree that bears no fruit. And how if after pruning and trying to bear fruit without success, it is cut down.
Click to expand...
You are a thoughtful, intelligent young man with a beautiful, loving wife. Please feel free to put your past without your father behind you and begin this, your most special time in life. If he decides to come back into your life someday, you can decide then what to do. God bless you and your wife.
Click to expand...
Thanks. Praying for you too.
 
I do forgive him. Though that is hard sometimes. I try to make a conscious effort to forgive and not hold on to resentment. I admit that is hard sometimes. Sometimes I just want to tell him he’s been a s**t father and why couldn’t he pick up the phone like a normal dad and ask how we’re getting on etc.

But sure…I can’t control his behaviour.
 
AdamPeter said:
So I’ve decided to avoid contact with my father from now on because he has disappointed me so often in the past. He was invited to my recent wedding and basically called up on the day to say “he had to be at work” so he couldn’t make it. He works as the manager of a fast food franchise so it’s not like he “had” to be there. I also know for a fact that he has an assistant manager that can take over in his absence. So this and many other similar incidents over the years have just led me to think it’s not worth bothering anymore. I’ve reached out on multiple occasions and asked him can we go to events together. But he just seems to be interested in his own schedule.
Fortunately I’ve got a very good stepfather who has always been there for me and my brother, so it’s not that bad in that sense.

That said, I do wish my father actually wanted a relationship with his kids.

Where I’m at now…I just feel like he’s let me down once too often. I don’t particularly want my future kids to feel this way…that they have a grandad that never calls or texts and has no interest in them. So I just plan to not contact him again. If he calls me someday, I’ll respond. But I’m not planning on reaching out any more. And I’d probably limit my kids contact with him while they’re young.

Am I justified in this course of action or am I being unforgiving/unchristian etc?
Click to expand...
I think that you’re totally justified in what you’re doing, and how you’re responding.

I understand how you feel, as I have some family members who despite my repeated attempts to reach out to them, keep refusing to respond.

I reached out for advice about it, and was told to just let go–that I had tried enough, and that the situation wasn’t going to change. It hasn’t.
 
AdamPeter said:
So I’ve decided to avoid contact with my father from now on because he has disappointed me so often in the past. He was invited to my recent wedding and basically called up on the day to say “he had to be at work” so he couldn’t make it. He works as the manager of a fast food franchise so it’s not like he “had” to be there. I also know for a fact that he has an assistant manager that can take over in his absence. So this and many other similar incidents over the years have just led me to think it’s not worth bothering anymore. I’ve reached out on multiple occasions and asked him can we go to events together. But he just seems to be interested in his own schedule.
Fortunately I’ve got a very good stepfather who has always been there for me and my brother, so it’s not that bad in that sense.

That said, I do wish my father actually wanted a relationship with his kids.

Where I’m at now…I just feel like he’s let me down once too often. I don’t particularly want my future kids to feel this way…that they have a grandad that never calls or texts and has no interest in them. So I just plan to not contact him again. If he calls me someday, I’ll respond. But I’m not planning on reaching out any more. And I’d probably limit my kids contact with him while they’re young.

Am I justified in this course of action or am I being unforgiving/unchristian etc?
Click to expand...
That’s really sad.

I wouldn’t worry about your future kids and your dad, because by the time they are sophisticated enough to keep their grandparents straight, a lot could have changed. They’re not really relevant at this point. And if/when they are sophisticated enough to care about particular grandparents, it’s not going to hurt them the way it does you, because he just isn’t going to loom as large for them as he does for you.

I wouldn’t cut him off at this point, but I also wouldn’t go out of my way for him. If you send him a yearly Christmas card and attempt to call him on his birthday, I think you’ll be going well beyond the call of duty. Other than that, I think your idea of just responding to contact is adequate.
 
Having read the thread, I think responding to contact from him is more than adequate.

That way you don’t have to think about him except when he’s actually contacting you.
 
Xantippe said:
Yeah, I was thinking about that–you’ll hear from him when he wants something from you.
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Sad, but true.

This is how it has been with some of my family. They’ll only call when they need something.

I’m very sorry about this, Adam. I know how much this hurts. It’s hard to not take it personally.

All that I can tell you is that your Dad has issues, and that it’s not you, or anything that you or your brother did. :console:
 
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