Cutting contact with father after years of no interest

[Rosebud77]

Adam,feeling for you believe me. And maybe now let HIM call the shots rather than taking any formal measures.No harm in eg a token card for Christmas etc

My father abandoned us when I was under ten ; shacked up with the scripture teacher at the school where he taught and started a second family with her.

The only “contact” was to come home from school and find eg the radiogram missing. Period.

When my brother was drowned, he arrived at the funeral, having only heard the news on the radio. Of course no one had even thought to tell him after years of silence.

After that many years of silence, then his woman left him and he tried to unscramble the eggs again… By then my illness had struck and he wanted nothing more to do with a daughter classed as mentally ill,

His choices all along and he is long dead now

His choice as your father is making also

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

It is not unchristian to stop running after him and trying to get him to behave like a father. It is actually wise to give up in such situations.

 

[AdamP88]

It is not unchristian to stop running after him and trying to get him to behave like a father. It is actually wise to give up in such situations.

Well yeah…that’s what I’m doing essentially. The only reason I say “cutting off contact” is because I know that he will rarely call me. (Probably only when he wants something as Xantippe says).

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m not going to be able to have a father-son relationship and I’m just going to stop trying to do that.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Well yeah…that’s what I’m doing essentially. The only reason I say “cutting off contact” is because I know that he will rarely call me. (Probably only when he wants something as Xantippe says).

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m not going to be able to have a father-son relationship and I’m just going to stop trying to do that.

It is great hat you have a good stepfather.

I gave up on my dad several years ago and very quickly after my realisation that he was never really a father to me I had a very strong experience of God being my Father. Of course, this is something I learned in my catechism class years before, but at that moment I knew it in my heart. It was a truly blessed moment and it helped me heal from the father wound.

Merry Christmas!

 

[Norseman82]

The only thing I would add is to give him one last chance when you and your wife start having children. If he won’t show interest even then, then the world should “have your back” in cutting contact.

 

[EasterJoy]

Well yeah…that’s what I’m doing essentially. The only reason I say “cutting off contact” is because I know that he will rarely call me. (Probably only when he wants something as Xantippe says).

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m not going to be able to have a father-son relationship and I’m just going to stop trying to do that.

If he calls to get something from you, there is no reason to be in a hurry to give it to him.

There is such a thing as becoming a near occasion of sin by maintaining contact in a way that is habitually used in the wrong way by the other party. It is possible that returning a call and then saying to the most recent request, “Call me back when you don’t want me to do something for you, next time. When that has happened a few times, we’ll talk about favors again” is the most charitable thing you could do for his soul. That is the main thing: Your sanity, your soul, and his soul. (Let his sanity be his business, until he doesn’t have enough to be the legal master of his own business.)

 

[AdamP88]

The only thing I would add is to give him one last chance when you and your wife start having children. If he won’t show interest even then, then the world should “have your back” in cutting contact.

I gave him plenty of chances over the years. The wedding was the final straw.

One of the frustrating things about him is that he always seems to think he’s doing his duty as a father. Whenever he’d meet me he’d go on about how he “always provides for his sons” etc. I always found it a frustrating aspect of his personality. But I think he actually believes this for whatever reason. But this makes me think even more that he won’t change his attitude. I mean, if he thinks he’s a good father, then why would he change?

 

[Xantippe]

I gave him plenty of chances over the years. The wedding was the final straw.

One of the frustrating things about him is that he always seems to think he’s doing his duty as a father. Whenever he’d meet me he’d go on about how he “always provides for his sons” etc. I always found it a frustrating aspect of his personality. But I think he actually believes this for whatever reason. But this makes me think even more that he won’t change his attitude. I mean, if he thinks he’s a good father, then why would he change?

Right.

That must be very frustrating to deal with. He’s either delusional or gaslighting you.

I’m sure you’ve figured this out already, but people who do actually consistently provide for and care for their children don’t go on and on about it. Whoa–you made breakfast for your kids and know their teachers’ names! Unbelievable!

 

[EasterJoy]

Right.

That must be very frustrating to deal with. He’s either delusional or gaslighting you.

I’m sure you’ve figured this out already, but people who do actually consistently provide for and care for their children don’t go on and on about it. Whoa–you made breakfast for your kids and know their teachers’ names! Unbelievable!

Yes, men who do their duty as fathers don’t go on and on about it. A father who acts as this one is described sounds as if he’s trying to get validation for a line he’s running on himself. It is as if he knows his children have reason for complaint, and he’s almost preemptively challenging them to complain, so he can defend himself valiantly.

Yeah, don’t go there.

 

[EasterJoy]

I gave him plenty of chances over the years. The wedding was the final straw.

Any man who actually was forced by a matter of life and death to miss his son’s wedding would still be sick to convince his son how sorry he was to allow any reason at all to keep him away from such an important day. Your dad has no reason to wonder why you’re done with making efforts to maintain a relationship with him. He ought to feel lucky if you are willing to let him go out of his way to show how sorry he is.

You know your dad, you know whether you want to take him as he is. If you want to let him call you, fine. There is no reason to feel guilty for not making any initiatives to contact him. Sometimes, doing too much of the work in a relationship for someone who habitually abuses it amounts to providing a near occasion of sin.

Yes, you may find the only reasonable way to let go of ill will over your dad’s offenses against you–to forgive as a Christian must forgive offenses–is to let go of the expectation that he’s likely to ever do the work required to maintain a mature relationship. That could amount to cutting off contact. That would be OK. You shouldn’t feel forced to do that, but if you want to, that is OK.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

One of the frustrating things about him is that he always seems to think he’s doing his duty as a father. Whenever he’d meet me he’d go on about how he “always provides for his sons” etc. I always found it a frustrating aspect of his personality. But I think he actually believes this for whatever reason. But this makes me think even more that he won’t change his attitude. I mean, if he thinks he’s a good father, then why would he change?

He is convincing himself because he doesn’t want to face reality. Typical. And you are right- no reason to expect a change if he is so delusional about it.

One commenter advised you to invite him in your life again when the kids arrive. I honestly believe the kids won’t make a difference given his behaviour towards you.

 

[AdamP88]

He is convincing himself because he doesn’t want to face reality. Typical. And you are right- no reason to expect a change if he is so delusional about it.

One commenter advised you to invite him in your life again when the kids arrive. I honestly believe the kids won’t make a difference given his behaviour towards you.

Well…I see how he shows no interest in.my.brother’s kids and I’m pretty sure he’s not going to he different with mine.

 

[AdamP88]

Adam,feeling for you believe me. And maybe now let HIM call the shots rather than taking any formal measures.No harm in eg a token card for Christmas etc

My father abandoned us when I was under ten ; shacked up with the scripture teacher at the school where he taught and started a second family with her.

The only “contact” was to come home from school and find eg the radiogram missing. Period.

When my brother was drowned, he arrived at the funeral, having only heard the news on the radio. Of course no one had even thought to tell him after years of silence.

After that many years of silence, then his woman left him and he tried to unscramble the eggs again… By then my illness had struck and he wanted nothing more to do with a daughter classed as mentally ill,

His choices all along and he is long dead now

His choice as your father is making also

Sorry to hear that. You’re right I guess. It is his choice at the end of the day. I’ve made various attempts over the years to try to have a relationship with him. It just ends up with me being disappointed.
I’m willing to leave the door open for future contact he may wish to make but I’m not getting my hopes up. That’s probably the best way to go.