Cutting it off with boyfriend?

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My boyfriend and I have been dating over a year and a half. We both attend the same college.

He is Catholic. Makes it to daily mass as his schedule allows, absolutely no premarital sexual activity, birth control never an option once married, reads the Bible in a year every year, loves Mary as his mother and Jesus as his best friend…he’s a good guy with great morals and strong faith! So there’s no problems in that department.

But tonight something just felt off. I just looked at him and felt so disconnected. We talk about the possibility of marriage all the time, but tonight was the first night where I honestly just wasn’t sure of myself anymore. Not just in the sense of marriage, but also just in dating.

I don’t know what to do from this point. Should I take some steps back from him? Tell him I need some time to think? Is this just a moment of hesitation? Am I crazy for starting to doubt the relationship of such a holy and supportive young man?

I feel sort of lame that this is another dating thread, but any advice or personal experience would be appreciated.

Thanks.
 
Firstly, relax.

Now, some people are lucky and never ever doubt the person they’re dating, and they get married and then live happily ever after. Good for them!

For most of us, we have doubts along the way. Doubting is good, since the decision to marry someone is a big one. If you don’t go over doubts regarding your potential future spouse, you’re not discerning your vocation properly.

Sometimes you work through these doubts and resolve them. Sometimes they build and become insurmountable. At the moment, your doubts are new to you and you should just work through them. No need to tell this man that you need to cool things off just yet, because that can be terminal in itself, needlessly. Just work through the doubts and see where they lead you. They may lead you to spend less time with him and eventually break it off, but you’re not there yet so don’t worry too much.
 
I agree with ubderacloud. You should relax. Also, you should try to understand why exactly you are having doubts. Was there something in particular that made you feel disconnected? Also, just because somebody reads Bible in a year or makes it to a daily mass does not mean that he would make a good husband for you, although all those traits are admirable. You need to figure out whether you have the same outlook on a number of different other things, like - do you see yourself at home with children or working, how many children you would like, what kind of things you like doing together - the list keeps going on.
 
Just because he is a good guy does not mean you two ought to be married. Marriage is tough in the best of circumstances. Not having an emotional bond is a major issue. The pressures of marriage won’t make it better.

It is fine to take some time to decide what you want to do. But once you decide it isn’t going to work, then break it off with him. And make it a definitive break. Half-keeping him around just in case you want to take him back later is selfish and cruel. You deserve someone right for you, and so does he.
 
Groo said:
Just because he is a good guy does not mean you two ought to be married. Marriage is tough in the best of circumstances. Not having an emotional bond is a major issue. The pressures of marriage won’t make it better.

It is fine to take some time to decide what you want to do. But once you decide it isn’t going to work, then break it off with him. And make it a definitive break. Half-keeping him around just in case you want to take him back later is selfish and cruel. You deserve someone right for you, and so does he.
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^ This. Don’t keep him in reserve if you really don’t feel it. I get the sense that you haven’t really felt a spark maybe from the beginning, but since he’s kind of “The Ideal Catholic Man,” you feel you ought to. Well, maybe you don’t feel a huge thrill but he’s the kind of dependable and gentle man you can count on to be there for you throughout your life. Maybe not the kind of roller-coaster love affair that is portrayed in the media - where the two people have eyes only for each other - but someone who would be a loving father and a good provider. It’s something you have to consider and pray about. It’s good to have a certain amount of chemistry, but then again, chemistry isn’t everything because it can fade out over time. Think about what drew you to date him in the first place. A year and a half is a fairly long time, depending on how often you’ve been together. What has kept you there so long? His good qualities? Are those enough? Are you looking for a fantasy man? None of us can answer those questions for you, you have to discern the answers yourself and in prayer.
 
Good advice so far, so I don’t really have anything to add, except for my prayers for your discernment in all of this.

I too am wondering if there was something specific that made you feel this way.
 
Hello there! Dating can be kind of complicated sometimes, so definitely don’t get discouraged. I don’t necessarily think you will get a perfect answer on this message board about what to do, but here goes my interjections. You have been dating for a year and a half. If you weren’t able to get along with him or if there was some kind of inherent flaw in the relationship, I’m guessing it probably wouldn’t have lasted this long, right? If there was never a spark, I’m guessing it wouldn’t have lasted long either. I have dated 1 or 2 women where there were LOTS of sparks. And I knew I could have probably dated them for a long time. But they wouldn’t have made good wives because they weren’t going to lead me closer to God. It’s very easy when you hit a bump in the road (like a feeling of not being connected to the person) to say “Wait a second, maybe this person isn’t for me, since after all I’m not feeling much of a connection.” I think maybe you should take it as an opportunity to pray about it more and ask God what to do. Sit quietly and ask God literally that exact question of what to do. I do think feelings can be very fleeting. I’m sure people in marriage have a lot of times they don’t have sparks too. Pray about it and also think about the gifts of the Holy Spirit…does the relationship make you feel joy? Peace? Self control, etc? Good luck to you!
 
I can put two wonderful people with the same values, hobbies, interests, etc who on paper would be very compatible together but if there’s nothing there there’s nothing there. You are not going to be a good match with every funny, reliable, kind, honest, Catholic man on the planet, and they won’t be a good match for you. Sometimes you have to dig.
 
Thank you all for your replies.

I guess my best description of what happened is everything was going great, then all of a sudden it felt like I got a punch to the stomach like someone had just taken their fingers and extinguished the flames.

We were talking last night and he said he felt that we just weren’t connecting at all. So at least we’re both feeling the same thing. I think overall it was just a fluke of the night. It certainly could mean plenty more, but I don’t think that specific moment was a make-it-or-break-it moment. Nothing in particular happened…just things felt off.

I have no doubt he would be a good husband and father so I think at this point it’s just determining if we have the connection to be a good match.

And Scoobyshme, I sometimes think about the religious life. I think right now this is where God wants me to be but I haven’t shut the door completely on the possibility of a different vocation.

I think overall I just need to pray and listen to God.
 
ballet_dancer said:
My boyfriend and I have been dating over a year and a half. We both attend the same college.

He is Catholic. Makes it to daily mass as his schedule allows, absolutely no premarital sexual activity, birth control never an option once married, reads the Bible in a year every year, loves Mary as his mother and Jesus as his best friend…he’s a good guy with great morals and strong faith! So there’s no problems in that department.

But tonight something just felt off. I just looked at him and felt so disconnected. We talk about the possibility of marriage all the time, but tonight was the first night where I honestly just wasn’t sure of myself anymore. Not just in the sense of marriage, but also just in dating.

I don’t know what to do from this point. Should I take some steps back from him? Tell him I need some time to think? Is this just a moment of hesitation? Am I crazy for starting to doubt the relationship of such a holy and supportive young man?

I feel sort of lame that this is another dating thread, but any advice or personal experience would be appreciated.

Thanks.
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If you’re having doubts I’d lay off talking about marriage. Maybe date each other a while longer and take the time to really enjoy your youth and freedom. If you’re young it may just be the stirrings of wanting to spread your wings or wanting to enjoy life just as it is.
 
Luvz2travel said:
If you’re having doubts I’d lay off talking about marriage. Maybe date each other a while longer and take the time to really enjoy your youth and freedom. If you’re young it may just be the stirrings of wanting to spread your wings or wanting to enjoy life just as it is.
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Wonderfully said.

Thank you again everyone for your thoughts. It really makes helps me see things from a new perspective. I appreciate it very much!
 
ballet_dancer said:
Thank you all for your replies.

I guess my best description of what happened is everything was going great, then all of a sudden it felt like I got a punch to the stomach like someone had just taken their fingers and extinguished the flames.

We were talking last night and he said he felt that we just weren’t connecting at all. So at least we’re both feeling the same thing. I think overall it was just a fluke of the night. It certainly could mean plenty more, but I don’t think that specific moment was a make-it-or-break-it moment. Nothing in particular happened…just things felt off.

I have no doubt he would be a good husband and father so I think at this point it’s just determining if we have the connection to be a good match.

And Scoobyshme, I sometimes think about the religious life. I think right now this is where God wants me to be but I haven’t shut the door completely on the possibility of a different vocation.

I think overall I just need to pray and listen to God.
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Good plan. Don’t expect every moment with anyone to be just like you are one person in two bodies. When you get married, there can be that tendency to sort of meld into one and then KAPOW, he will spout some opinion and you just look at him and think, “You WHAT?”

😉

And then he’ll do something particularly kind and it’s back to being connected again. It comes, it goes, love is a choice, and it has its own rhythm.
 
I think that you should not be making a decision based on feelings. Feelings and emotions are easily manipulated by our diet, stress, circumstances, even demons.

You would not want to throw out someone good just because your low on vitamin B or because you felt out of sorts would you?

You need to sit down and really analyze if you boyfriend is helping you obtain your final Goal which is Heaven and that he helps you get closer to God.

If you have 15 minutes listen to this talk on the virtue of prudence.

Make a prudent decision, not a hasty one. That way later you will have peace whether you end your relationship or not.
 
ballet_dancer said:
Thank you all for your replies.

I guess my best description of what happened is everything was going great, then all of a sudden it felt like I got a punch to the stomach like someone had just taken their fingers and extinguished the flames.

We were talking last night and he said he felt that we just weren’t connecting at all. So at least we’re both feeling the same thing. I think overall it was just a fluke of the night. It certainly could mean plenty more, but I don’t think that specific moment was a make-it-or-break-it moment. Nothing in particular happened…just things felt off.

I have no doubt he would be a good husband and father so I think at this point it’s just determining if we have the connection to be a good match.

And Scoobyshme, I sometimes think about the religious life. I think right now this is where God wants me to be but I haven’t shut the door completely on the possibility of a different vocation.

I think overall I just need to pray and listen to God.
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When you’re married there will be times when you don’t connect at all, then you get back on track, because you’re in a sacramental relationship and promiss to love each other.
 
On the other hand I think feelings tell us a lot. Of course you do not want to rely on them entirely; you need to check it with reason. Reason tells you he is the perfect guy! But I am sure you know that. But your feelings and his are telling you something else. It would be good to both make a point to pray about your feelings on the matter.

Some of the troubles I have head in my life I could have avoided had I taken my feeling seriously. God gave feelings to us for a reason.
 
Personally, I think even if you are young, to be with someone for over a year and a half and not getting married could start to make a Catholic antsy. Not so much secular people because they see nothing wrong with premarital sex. But that is my opinion.

I think that if there is good reason not to get married yet like wanting to finish school and establish a career, then you should not marry. Not sure how to word this… to me, it would feel like an uphill useless battle to continue dating after over a year and a half knowing marriage is SO far in the future.

My suggestion is to communicate with your BF. Do you perhaps want to spend less time together to allow both of you to enjoy different interests? Or perhaps even maybe spend more time with your friends of the same sex? Would a break be in order? Or was it exam stress and everything is fine? Too many variables to give a concrete suggestion
 
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