Cutting Off Family for Good

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Akiliane

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I have recently been posting things in regards to what is happening in my family. I feel deep in my heart that the best thing for me is to cut them out of my life for good… and deal with them from a distance, when I am ready.
My desire is to live a Holy life to the LORD of Prayer & study. But dealing with my family brings me down. The negative energy, the mess, the confusion… So I feel the best thing for me is just to cut them all off. They are back stabbers! And honestly speaking, my Mother is among them, and I would rather not deal with her either, as I have always been respectful to her but she does nothing but talk down on me and my desire to live for God. When I was 16 years old, she told my Grandmother to take my Bible away from me. And here recently my Grandmother has changed some what. I have no idea as to what is being said to her. But I feel like things are being said. So I just want them all away from me… Any thoughts? or advice?
 
Depends. If you are absolutely convinced this is too toxic to continue, then you can distance yourself.

If you want to try one more time, you could set up a truce where you wouldn’t talk about religion.

I’ve done things like take a rental car, rent a hotel room, have a plan B in case to sightsee, if everything above still didn’t work. In my case, I still never could feel belonging, but was spending all my energy not to get into disagreements.

I felt like my boundaries were being crossed. Outside of all that, I also greatly limit my visits. My “visits” now are all by Skype and very short, minutes. I watch their body language and can tell when it’s time to go.

I watch their eyes. Their eyes will go to the side when they’ve had enough and want to end the call.

It can also help to meet in neutral territory if possible…not their place.

I don’t know how old you are, but these are serious boundary problems and “triangulation”, probably…2 against one.

If you want to try one more time, then you can ask them to respect you, treat you as an equal and adult.

With my family, none of that really worked well, even so. Skype is actually my best option. I resist options to visit in person, because it causes problems.

Skype is one way of dealing with family. One can visit without as many problems. If there’s tension, one can find an excuse, say I should get going and simply sign off, that quickly.

If they don’t have Skype, e-mails and phone calls would be the next line before cutting off completely.

There’s the option of talking about this together, as a family, with a counselor, but I’ve never personally even tried that. Or, one can go to individual counseling, get further feedback.

I try to leave cutoff as a last resort, but actually, I do believe that some relationships are so dysfunctional, hurtful, and toxic that there are cases where cutoff is actually absolutely necessary to preserve one’s sanity and emotional (sometimes also even physical) health and happiness.

If you don’t feel comfortable with them, then don’t go, would actually be my final word. Do what you’re comfortable with.
 
First, move your brother and his girlfriend out (in the most polite and helpful way). Then, see if it’s possible to have a polite and appropriate relationship with your family. Increase distance as appropriate (limit contact, take longer to return calls, etc.).
 
I agree with Xantippe. First, just increase the distance. Less contact.

Also, surround yourself with positive people of like mind.
 
You may find that after setting appropriate boundaries and sticking to them, you are quite capable of having adult relationships with your family. “Cutting them off for good” may be a little over-kill. You’ve allowed people to manipulate you; don’t be surprised they did. Reestablish yourself as the adult in charge of your life, let the chips fall, and give them all time to get used to the idea.

And get your brother and his girlfriend out of YOUR home. Ash Wednesday is very generous; next week is not unreasonable “This is simply not working for me,” needs to be repeated often without raising your voice – and don’t provide excuses or explanations. Your home. Your life.
 
Scripture says that families would be torn apart because you want to follow Jesus
 
I have read your other thread and can see why you would want to cut them off. But maybe that term is too final. Maybe perhaps you will just take a leave of absence from them until that time when they can respect boundaries and not bully you. That day could come, or it may not, but don’t make any big announcement, just be unavailable.
 
I think if at all possible, distance yourself from a situation if it is too toxic but don’t cut people off for good. Circumstances could always change in the future and it is harder to re-establish a relationship if you’ve slammed the door shut.
 
Learn how to establish healthy boundaries; and if necessary, create some distance for a while. But don’t “cut off” your family for good. I think that’s wrong, except in the most extreme circumstances. Your circumstances, while difficult, don’t sound like they justify that kind of action.

Also, you say that you want to live a holy life of prayer and study, which is excellent. But I am not sure how how holy we can really be in isolation. Part of growing in holiness is learning to deal with and interact with others in a way that is pleasing to the Lord and that reflects His life in us. We can’t “hide our light under a bushel,” or it won’t do any good.
 
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