I grew up being abused as a child. At one point as a young adult, living in my parents home, I did not make eye contact with, or speak a single word to my father for two whole years. At age 25, unemployed, with no money, two months sober, and little in the way of very basic life skills, I confronted my parents about the wrongs they did to me when I was young (and the wrongs my mother was still doing to me). It upset the apple cart as I knew it would. I moved out and moved into a homeless shelter. The day before I did, my father, who I really never had a relationship with my whole life despite both he and my mother always being together (with a 4 month period he moved out at one point) took me for a ride in his car and showed me all the houses he grew up in, told me about his life as a child, and actually ‘introduced’ himself to me as “Bill, I’m your father” at the end of this day.
After moving out and before, I was extremely angry with my mother so cut off all ties with her. My father told me to feel free and call him if I choose to. I occasionally did. It took me a couple of years to develop some sense of self-esteem and to get some grounding. I also was fortunate enough to move into a privately funded recovery home and the man who ran it was like a father to me.
I think it’s healthy to have boundaries in all relationships. It sounds like your family (lke mine) didn’t have and doesn’t know how to have healthy boundaries. So it sounds appropriate for you to stop having contact with them as a way to establish boundaries (your not allowed to contact me and I am not going to contact you). With the separation, and time, and hopeuflly some connection to some type of support system to help you figure out how to have healthy relationships and practice having them without the influence of those who can most easily push your buttons, where your most likely to fall into negative behavior patterns without even realizing it. hopefully you can find some solid footing and begin to define yourself separate from your family of origin.
At some point you may wish to re-establish contact, if so, I suggest you do so hesitantly, and be upfront about the behavior you find acceptable and the behavior you don’t. And explain what you will do if the unhealthy behaviors emerge- and whatever you say you will do if that happens, you MUST do it. So be realistic if you choose to go down that path at some point in the future.
I am a believer in apologizing for whatever wrongs I do, even if the othe person started it or did most of the wrong. It’s something I struggle with in my relationship with my wife but in all other relationships I am slow to do wrong and quick to apologize. With my wife, her view is that everything she does that is wrong is my fault, and therefore I am to blame and she has nothing to apologize about (I’m helping her learn different). So I do expect her to apologize first if she starts an argument. Normally if someone starts and argument with me and I engage them in any way with even a snide comment or slight raised voice. I go to them and apologize for what I did. They can choose to apologize or not, this is not up to me.
I would suggest you consider explaining your choice to cut contact, be clear, and do your apologies before you cut contact.
I also believe in the long run that forgiveness is going to help your heart heal, and not forgiving, holding resentments, is going to hurt you. Something like 50% of all illness is stress related. Your in stress my friend.
I now have a great relationship with my father, he is my primary support person. I have a good relationship with my mother. But for years I was sickened and disgusted by her. I screamed in her face once at the top of my lungs when I was a teenager because of the abuse she did to me.
After you cut ties, I hope you learn and practice healthy relationships as your family impacted you and the way you perceive and relate to others (I assume but is almost always the case with child abuse). If you choose to re-establish contact in the future it can be a trial basis and you may find that you sort of informally have periods of contact and then non contact.
But by separating yourself you will get new perspective. Then if your at a family gathering a few years later and some nonsense breaks out, you’ll have the perspective to recognize it as an onlooker rather than one of the people who is sort of consumed by the tornato, where none are in control.
Of course it will be up to you, but you hear people talk about not talking to a family member for years and years and then the person dies and your filled with regret. Work with God to purify your heart and to forgive those who have done you wrong. It’s difficult, but your doing it for your own emotional and mental health. Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the person your angry at to drop dead.
Pray for the people your angry with, it’s hard to stay angry at people you pray for with pure intentions. After all, you want to heal yourself I assume and not just ‘avoid this one cluster of jerks’ who happen to be relatives.
God Bless
