I cut all ties with my parents about five years ago, in part on unanimous advice here at Catholic Forums.
My father is an alcoholic, albeit a high-functioning one, never falling down drunk. But if you read down the list of traits, of the roles inflicted on the children in the family, the traits of the adult children of alcoholics, it’s all there. I spent years listening to him find fault, criticize, tell me he didn’t like me, and threaten to kick me out of the house (in fact, I left on my own when I was 18, he threatened it so often). There has been physical violence against my mother, myself, and one sister that I know of. He bullies and threatens. Even as an adult I get letters and phone calls from him calling me vulgar names, telling me I’m a bad mother, etc.
My mother, honestly, is not much better. As nearly as I can figure out, she has believed–and told others–that I’m a liar since I was quite young, and to the best of my ability to piece together memories, I believe my father did something very inappropriate, I said so and wouldn’t back down, and hence got labeled a liar and ‘stubborn.’ To this day, no matter what anyone does, she’ll take their side, and tell me I deserved it.
I cut ties 5 years ago, and I have never felt better. One of the major changes I noticed immediately was that my entire view of God changed. I had spent a lifetime seeing Him as a capricious God who constantly changes the rules, who, no matter how hard I try, would look at me smugly, up at the Pearly Gates, and whip out the list of rules He kept hidden at the bottom of a file cabinet in a locked store room, and show me the 23 minor rules I stupidly, wantonly, idiotically, like a fool, broke. GOTCHA!
When I cut ties with my family, I realized it was my father’s gloating, angry face, nailing me for something I had no clue I was supposed to have done, that I had always seen for God. My view of Him very quickly changed. I literally felt Him come and sit down on my bed at my side one night, and felt His presence as a loving, caring God who sees good in me and WANTS me to succeed and be in Heaven with Him, rather than a God looking for ways to trip me up.
I also believe I’m a better mother and better able to love my own children without my parents breathing down my back about every single thing they do wrong. I’m dealing with two boys with ADHD and autism, and my parents were always on my back that I just needed to discipline them more. I was a stressed out wreck, any time I knew I’d be near my parents with my kids. And I can assure you, they DO know better than the doctors and know there’s nothing wrong with my kids but my lousy parenting.
As to honoring my parents, I think if I were an only child and they needed me, I could smile, do what they need, and leave, but I have the entire weight of the family believing what my parents say about me. My parents are fine, they don’t need me, and in the meantime, I pray for them continually. It’s the best I can do to ‘honor’ them. I hold my tongue when anyone says anything about them, rather than jump in with The Story, and
Oh, do you KNOW how awful they really are?
I figure, if I live my life well and with integrity, that’s honoring them, too, right?
Hopefully, that’s of some actual help and not merely me spewing.
It is pure hell dealing with these people. It was only recently that I started seeing things clearly - how insane his behaviour is. When you grow up with craziness, that is normal for you. I’m surprised I’m not more messed up.