Cutting ties with family that is destructive

[Serap]

Talk to a priest.

I had a year and a half when I had no contact with my parents, after a really bad couple of years and one huge fight when I left home literally in the middle of the night.

It really bothered me but I talked to a priest after I cooled down a little and it helped a lot.
He told me I was right to leave and stay away from them at the time.

After a while we all had some time to think and change some things and we got back in touch, they reconsidered some things when they realized there would be some very real consequences.

Good for you

 

[VivienneJ]

Sometimes, when I’m laying with my daughter in her bed and hugging her, I realize that I do not have one memory of my mother doing that with me…not one…it’s sad

Oh I can relate to this. The only time I remember my mom being and saying she was ‘proud’ of me was under such bizarre circumstances, when I was barely holding myself together, and it was only for the sake of my young daughters that I could do that. I remember just looking at her and thinking, “you still don’t get it, or me, at all”. And yet, to others both my parents were such sweetness and light, their god-daughters and many of my other friends adored them - and THAT really hurt too.

I know I have, and still do, heal myself through my mothering and grandmothering.

 

[Serap]

Oh I can relate to this. The only time I remember my mom being and saying she was ‘proud’ of me was under such bizarre circumstances, when I was barely holding myself together, and it was only for the sake of my young daughters that I could do that. I remember just looking at her and thinking, “you still don’t get it, or me, at all”. And yet, to others both my parents were such sweetness and light, their god-daughters and many of my other friends adored them - and THAT really hurt too.

I know I have, and still do, heal myself through my mothering and grandmothering.

Strong woman you are!

Luckily, my mother does now tell me that she loves me and admits she was not a very good mother. She always ends it with, “but I did my best and your father constantly abused me and made me unhappy.” I just accept that with a lot of appreciation that she acknowledges her struggles as a mother.

I don’t believe she did her best, but that’s another story Some people like to play the victim and that’s ok too. We all have our demons to face eventually; either alive or at death.

 

[DonaNobis_Pacem]

I have come from a severely dysfunctional family. My father exhibits traits of ASPD and OCPD (Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, not to be confused with OCD), my mother has traits of NPD and HPD; at least one sister has become, over the years, an extremely temperamental, brutally hateful narcissist. She and another sister have drifted away from the Catholic Church and practicing the Faith because of the lack of example set by our parents…lest you believe that I am judging them, it is, unfortunately, the truth I’ve discovered through doing my own psychological healing through prayer, fasting (though I need to increase this), and reading (www.chastitysf.com).

I’m not financially able to leave my parents at this point, although it’s my own fault for not actively pursuing a job with better pay. However, I don’t know where I plan on going as far as a career track, and I don’t believe I am exceptionally good at anything; I’ve believed that it hasn’t been very possible for me to discover who I am as a person and what I’m really good at doing. Given my upbringing, my father’s OCPD prevented me from learning how to do things on my own, as my efforts were never good enough for him, while my mother’s NPD caused her to see me as an extension of herself and therefore conform to what she and my father have expected me to do and be in my life. Thanks be to God I am finding healing in Him, although it is enormously painful at times and I still lack the deep faith I so desire to leave a life of reticence behind in order to truly follow where Christ is leading me.

 

[Demetra2]

I am another person who felt it necessary for my emotional health to cut ties with my toxic parents. By the way, independent adults should find a way to honor their parents but they are not required to obey them. It is a challenge to honor your parents in a toxic relationship, however. I think that it would be wise to consult a priest and a therapist to determine just what kind of relationship you can honestly have with your parents/family that is not harmful to you yet still fulfills the 4th commandment. I pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet for my parents. Nobody wants to be in a toxic situation with their parents and I feel your pain. Keep praying for guidance and talk to a priest.

 

[holyrood]

I know my parents are irregular people. They do not love me the way parents should, BUT I have the power to change ALL of that. I am showing my OWN children what mother/daughter and mother/son love is all about. I am putting everything I have into being a good mom. Every hurt is being turned into love.

Sometimes, when I’m laying with my daughter in her bed and hugging her, I realize that I do not have one memory of my mother doing that with me…not one…it’s sad

I can’t tell you how often I have the same thought as I’m getting my boys off to school in the morning. This week, it’s particularly…poignant?..difficult?..as I’ve just gotten another letter from my alcoholic father telling me all my faults, all he and my mother have done for me, how he’s really largely responsible for all my successes in life, and how they’re even better parents to my children than I am. (And he wonders why I don’t talk to them! At least he didn’t call me vulgar names in this one.

But the longer I’ve been raising children, the more I realized how many things were wrong. I got myself up in the morning and off to school from the time I was 6 all through high school. I don’t remember them ever helping me with homework–only yelling if I got less than As and Bs, and telling people years later how I ‘refused’ to learn (no, I was yanked between FOUR, count them FOUR school in twelve months and got absolutely no help from them catching up in math.) I’m not sure I have any memories of my mother hugging me, saying I love you, being cheerful…nothing.

And yet, to others both my parents were such sweetness and light, their god-daughters and many of my other friends adored them - and THAT really hurt too.

This is part of the family sickness. People have come to believe the things my mother says about me, because she doesn’t show that other side of herself to them, and because they’ve been hearing this stuff for years. My older children have come to believe some of it, because she’s always sweet and lightness to them. One of my children told me he’s sure I think these things happened…

For me, it doesn’t hurt so much that anyone likes my parents, but that my own relationships with people have unjustly suffered as a result of my parents’ words about me. (As I said, I just got another Letter this week, and it’s a bit raw right now, seeing the latest story they’re telling about me.)

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet for my parents.

I do the same for my father. I hope that this is enough in terms of the commandment to honour him. I genuinely wish him well but there is no way he will be in my life again. It is difficult to figure this out and have a clear conscience. I hope that the OP has found this thread helpful in some way. I don’t think there are easy, simple answers to this question.

 

[Serap]

I can’t tell you how often I have the same thought as I’m getting my boys off to school in the morning. This week, it’s particularly…poignant?..difficult?..as I’ve just gotten another letter from my alcoholic father telling me all my faults, all he and my mother have done for me, how he’s really largely responsible for all my successes in life, and how they’re even better parents to my children than I am. (And he wonders why I don’t talk to them! At least he didn’t call me vulgar names in this one.

But the longer I’ve been raising children, the more I realized how many things were wrong. I got myself up in the morning and off to school from the time I was 6 all through high school. I don’t remember them ever helping me with homework–only yelling if I got less than As and Bs, and telling people years later how I ‘refused’ to learn (no, I was yanked between FOUR, count them FOUR school in twelve months and got absolutely no help from them catching up in math.) I’m not sure I have any memories of my mother hugging me, saying I love you, being cheerful…nothing.

Keep at it. Listen to your heart and your gut. You know who you are and what is right for you and your babies. You are still in the stage of healing. I can tell by your post. You will get where you want to be…I promise.

Please stop opening your father’s letters. You open them in hopes that he will be positive, but for your own health and safety, stop opening them. It gives your father way too much power.

Burn them if you have to.

 

[holyrood]

Keep at it. Listen to your heart and your gut. You know who you are and what is right for you and your babies. You are still in the stage of healing. I can tell by your post. You will get where you want to be…I promise.

Please stop opening your father’s letters. You open them in hopes that he will be positive, but for your own health and safety, stop opening them. It gives your father way too much power.

Burn them if you have to.

Sigh…I feel like I’ve done SO much healing, and yet these things remind me it never ends. Extended family believes these things, my children believe some of it, and it continues to impact my relationship unjustly with other people. I’ve come to wonder if there is ever healing. The advice here years ago was that the only real answer is as much physical distance as possible. My game plan is to buy a house farther out to give my remaining children at home some separation from this stuff, hopefully.

I’ve begun to question the wisdom of even opening them. Actually, it was about what I expected, although I think you’re right that there’s always that small kernel of hope. It’s hard to not respond, because I know the things being said about me and want to defend myself; because I want to be willing to make peace if he finally offers it, to try to talk things out.

And yet, I know doing so will do absolutely no good, and, if anything, only result (as it did last time) in my mother telling people that I make things up.

I think sometimes the hardest thing to come to accept is that we’re really NOT dealing with rational people or rational behavior, and to stop behaving, ourselves, as if we are.

 

[Serap]

Sigh…I feel like I’ve done SO much healing, and yet these things remind me it never ends. Extended family believes these things, my children believe some of it, and it continues to impact my relationship unjustly with other people. I’ve come to wonder if there is ever healing. The advice here years ago was that the only real answer is as much physical distance as possible. My game plan is to buy a house farther out to give my remaining children at home some separation from this stuff, hopefully.

I’ve begun to question the wisdom of even opening them. Actually, it was about what I expected, although I think you’re right that there’s always that small kernel of hope. It’s hard to not respond, because I know the things being said about me and want to defend myself; because I want to be willing to make peace if he finally offers it, to try to talk things out.

And yet, I know doing so will do absolutely no good, and, if anything, only result (as it did last time) in my mother telling people that I make things up.

I think sometimes the hardest thing to come to accept is that we’re really NOT dealing with rational people or rational behavior, and to stop behaving, ourselves, as if we are.

Bolded part is the most important issue here. You are not dealing with rational, kind human beings. You are dealing with unlikeable people who happen to be your biological parents. You must move away, cut contact and do whatever you need to do to be happier.

I really feel for you b/c as much as my parents are dysfunctional, we are all polite to eachother and we all get along at a distance. It is amicable and livable.

It must be so hard for you to accept everything…what a load on your shoulders!!!

My father abused me sexually as a child. I will never allow my children to be alone with him as a result and we have a distant, but amicable relationship that I can tolerate. I have forgiven him and accepted his sickness for what it is. I cannot press charges b/c it happened in a different country, and so I moved on from that pain and need for “an eye for an eye” and learned forgiveness. Because my father is kind to me, I am able to have a relationship with him where I see him about once every 2 months.

It sounds messed up, but it’s working for me. I honestly feel no ill will towards him and when he mentions that he’d like to see more of my kids, I feel no guilt b/c he brought this on himself and lost that privilege when he violated my innocence.

Life can be so hard for some, but we have to always remember that life can be much harder for others. I thank my lucky stars I live in Canada where women have fundamental rights and freedoms that we don’t have in other countries. My story is a story of success and I cannot take all of the credit. My privileged birthplace helped me with my success.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Sigh…I feel like I’ve done SO much healing, and yet these things remind me it never ends. Extended family believes these things, my children believe some of it, and it continues to impact my relationship unjustly with other people. I’ve come to wonder if there is ever healing. The advice here years ago was that the only real answer is as much physical distance as possible. My game plan is to buy a house farther out to give my remaining children at home some separation from this stuff, hopefully.

I’ve begun to question the wisdom of even opening them. Actually, it was about what I expected, although I think you’re right that there’s always that small kernel of hope. It’s hard to not respond, because I know the things being said about me and want to defend myself; because I want to be willing to make peace if he finally offers it, to try to talk things out.

And yet, I know doing so will do absolutely no good, and, if anything, only result (as it did last time) in my mother telling people that I make things up.

I think sometimes the hardest thing to come to accept is that we’re really NOT dealing with rational people or rational behavior, and to stop behaving, ourselves, as if we are.

Honestly, if what you describe is his standard way of communicating (and I use the term loosely) in the printed word, I’d have the mail service return the letters to him unopened. Think of it as an example you’re setting for your kids: you are teaching them that no one is allowed to speak to you (whether verbally or in print) in a disrespectful and demeaning way, and, by extension, that they shouldn’t permit that sort of behavior, either.

I went through something similar with my mother, except that she kept “accidentally” sending me emails that were meant for someone else but were quite deliberately hurtful to me. I asked her three times to stop. She kept claiming it was “an accident” and saying that I shouldn’t be so critical. At the third time, I told her that a) I had asked her twice already to stop it, but she hadn’t so b) if I received one more such email I would take the next logical step by blocking her email address as a spam email address through my email provider. She was furious and complained bitterly about how critical and unkind I was being, but funny thing…that particular “accident” never happened again.

 

[holyrood]

Honestly, if what you describe is his standard way of communicating (and I use the term loosely) in the printed word, I’d have the mail service return the letters to him unopened. Think of it as an example you’re setting for your kids: you are teaching them that no one is allowed to speak to you (whether verbally or in print) in a disrespectful and demeaning way, and, by extension, that they shouldn’t permit that sort of behavior, either.

I went through something similar with my mother, except that she kept “accidentally” sending me emails that were meant for someone else but were quite deliberately hurtful to me. I asked her three times to stop. She kept claiming it was “an accident” and saying that I shouldn’t be so critical. At the third time, I told her that a) I had asked her twice already to stop it, but she hadn’t so b) if I received one more such email I would take the next logical step by blocking her email address as a spam email address through my email provider. She was furious and complained bitterly about how critical and unkind I was being, but funny thing…that particular “accident” never happened again.

I blocked his phone number on our home phone about three years ago when he left me a series of ugly voicemails.

The part that hurts is not having my parents and siblings out of my life. I don’t miss them. But that a couple of my older children have bought into the family story. Last May, my nephew (20 YO, no job, no drivers license, just back from a road trip on my dime) lit into me over the expectation (established before the trip) that he pitch in with gas money. I let the money go, but told him it was time to leave (over the disrespect, not over the money). He got quite ugly, swearing, calling me names, and more. My son and daughter in their early 20s have shrugged off the incident, with a deafening silence, and are on great terms with their cousin.

In short, they are not learning that no one is allowed to speak to me (or anyone) like that; they are learning from my family that I’m the one burning bridges and causing trouble for actually objecting to this sort of thing!

This is the sort of thing that’s irrational. There is no way my son or daughter would continue a relationship with someone who spoke to them that way. Nor would they ever dare do that to my aunts. But they have learned the family dynamics.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I blocked his phone number on our home phone about three years ago when he left me a series of ugly voicemails.

Good for you! I’d do the same thing with the letters since he can’t respect you through that medium of communication either.

The part that hurts is not having my parents and siblings out of my life. I don’t miss them. But that a couple of my older children have bought into the family story. Last May, my nephew (20 YO, no job, no drivers license, just back from a road trip on my dime) lit into me over the expectation (established before the trip) that he pitch in with gas money. I let the money go, but told him it was time to leave (over the disrespect, not over the money). He got quite ugly, swearing, calling me names, and more. My son and daughter in their early 20s have shrugged off the incident, with a deafening silence, and are on great terms with their cousin.

In short, they are not learning that no one is allowed to speak to me (or anyone) like that; they are learning from my family that I’m the one burning bridges and causing trouble for actually objecting to this sort of thing!

This is the sort of thing that’s irrational. There is no way my son or daughter would continue a relationship with someone who spoke to them that way. Nor would they ever dare do that to my aunts. But they have learned the family dynamics.

It’s unfortunate that your kids have decided to believe this story, but they may mature out of it.

I cut off communication with my father after he did his utmost to ruin our wedding. There were multiple witnesses to this, including my youngest sister. His behavior included, though wasn’t limited to, trashing a hotel room (seriously–he even smeared his own feces on the walls!), calling the reception venue and pretending to be the groom, and calling some of my friends and harassing them.

Everyone (with one exception, see next sentence) who saw what happened was, as you might imagine, horrified by his behavior. My youngest sister is a year or two younger than your kids. She is convinced to this day that I overreacted by cutting off communications and that he was justified in this behavior because people wouldn’t drop everything and drive across town to drive him *a tenth of a mile *so he wouldn’t have to call a cab or walk. I should add that when he said he’d come to the wedding, I made it perfectly clear three months in advance that he was responsible for his own transportation, so this was hardly sprung on him at the last moment.

I explained to her politely but firmly that I do not allow people to treat me or my family with such disrespect as he showed that day. She doesn’t understand because she grew up in a home in which respect, consideration, and courtesy were never shown to family members, so all these concepts are very foreign to her. (So did I, of course, but I’ve had a lot more years than she has had thus far to go through recovery and learn what reasonable expectations of behavior are for both myself and others). Someday, I hope she looks back on the whole incident with new eyes and sees why I did what I did, and learns for herself that she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this, either.

I am guessing here, but I doubt that your parents showed you much in the way of respect, consideration, or courtesy before you blocked their number. If you established a pattern for several years of your kids’ childhood of tolerating abuse, then they probably learned that speaking and behaving in a certain way towards you was acceptable when, of course, it wasn’t. I’m not blaming you for this, you understand; each of us goes through recovery at our own pace, and it sounds as though you’ve made great strides in setting boundaries! I just wanted to offer some insight on why they may think that behaving the way your nephew did was acceptable.

 

[holyrood]

It’s unfortunate that your kids have decided to believe this story, but they may mature out of it.

I hope and pray.

I am guessing here, but I doubt that your parents showed you much in the way of respect, consideration, or courtesy before you blocked their number. If you established a pattern for several years of your kids’ childhood of tolerating abuse, then they probably learned that speaking and behaving in a certain way towards you was acceptable when, of course, it wasn’t. I’m not blaming you for this, you understand; each of us goes through recovery at our own pace, and it sounds as though you’ve made great strides in setting boundaries! I just wanted to offer some insight on why they may think that behaving the way your nephew did was acceptable.

Your story of your father…wow!!! These stories from others are reassuring to me in a strange way…I guess as evidence people really ARE crazy.

We actually moved away for many years in the wake of my father’s physical violence when I was 23. We moved back here when the older kids were in early high school/junior high. I don’t think I let this stuff slide. I was willing to forgive one holiday meltdown from a sibling, but after the second one, batting a thousand, showing a clear pattern, I said we wouldn’t be going back. My kids were not happy about that decision, but I made it clear that was unacceptable. When another sibling took my daughter to babysit overnight and never brought her back, I called the sister on it (and got the not surprising response that I had a lot of nerve asking her to tell me where my kids are! ) Yes, my daughter saw me call her on it.

However, there’s the entire weight of the family telling them the opposite. They think my tattooed, pierced, keg-party throwing sisters are cool. My parents are cheerful and friendly around them and they’ve never seen my dad’s violence. (He has spent a night in jail for assault against my mother; and that’s only one incident.)

You mentioned (or someone in this thread did), sexual abuse. I have no idea if any actual abuse went on, but I have a very clear memory of being beside my father at a soft-core porn movie. (When I described the scene I remember, a friend of a friend was able to name the movie, in fact, that he thinks it came from, and the dates of production line up exactly to the time frame.) I believe that I spoke up, and it was easier for my mother to call me a liar than face the truth. I believe she’s been heavily invested for years in believing I’m a liar, and probably doesn’t even remember the source of her determination to believe it.

So what we have is decades of family members hearing that I’m a liar, and the weight of many people accepting this without knowing the whole story (after all, she’s my mother,, who would say that about their own kid if it wasn’t true?!), and this is what my kids are surrounded by.

I keep the younger ones away from them entirely.

 

[DonaNobis_Pacem]

I will keep you in my prayers for continued healing, holyrood. I hope you will do the same for me.

In both of our cases, we have parents and family members who are obviously not rational human beings, but who are wounded by the “sins of their fathers (and mothers)”…psychological disorders are passed down from generation to generation and perpetuated by those who were wounded by their parents when they were children. Healing from a disordered childhood is not at all easy; it’s a long, difficult road, yet if we unite our suffering to Christ’s suffering on the Cross we begin to learn that there are different responses to those who persecute, insult, and hate us (yes, even those in our own families).

I want to hopefully introduce my boyfriend to my family, as dysfunctional as they are, before we discern taking the next step in our relationship. I just hope that what I’ve told him, and how they behave, doesn’t scare him off. Even though I can see the vocation of married life clearly before me and have discerned it as carefully as possible, sometimes I wonder if the history of dysfunction and abuse in my family is God’s way of telling me that maybe I’m not supposed to be married after all. It is a disquieting and troubling thought, one that, I pray, is not really from God but is something that Satan is trying to make me believe.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I wonder if the history of dysfunction and abuse in my family is God’s way of telling me that maybe I’m not supposed to be married after all.

Don’t ever think this. You are not damaged goods. Even though you suffered in your family that does not mean that you will repeat the same. The cycle of abuse can end, and God willing, it will end with you and your children.

I have generations on both sides of my family of serious dysfunction, sin and abuse. We’ve had abortion (a lot of it), adultery, divorce, suicide. I wondered about the same thing as you: if I would carry on with the craziness. But when I was pregnant with my 1st child I had an unexplainable belief that my son would somehow make things right, that with him bad things that happen in the family would end. I’m not a perfect mother, but my family is nothing like the one I grew up in. Don’t be afraid, trust God and pray that He leads you every step of the way.

 

[Irishmom2]

There comes a time when a relationship is so dysfunctional that the most respectful way to honor the other person is to stay away from them so as not to cause more fighting. One also has the right to protect their own personal dignity and if a parent is abusive to them, they should remove themselves from the situation, temporarily or permanently.

This is a precise and well worded response.

 

[holyrood]

I will keep you in my prayers for continued healing, holyrood. I hope you will do the same for me.

In both of our cases, we have parents and family members who are obviously not rational human beings, but who are wounded by the “sins of their fathers (and mothers)”…psychological disorders are passed down from generation to generation and perpetuated by those who were wounded by their parents when they were children. Healing from a disordered childhood is not at all easy; it’s a long, difficult road, yet if we unite our suffering to Christ’s suffering on the Cross we begin to learn that there are different responses to those who persecute, insult, and hate us (yes, even those in our own families).

… Even though I can see the vocation of married life clearly before me and have discerned it as carefully as possible, sometimes I wonder if the history of dysfunction and abuse in my family is God’s way of telling me that maybe I’m not supposed to be married after all. It is a disquieting and troubling thought, one that, I pray, is not really from God but is something that Satan is trying to make me believe.

I will certainly be praying for you.

What is hard is the feeling of unreality, that nobody else seems to notice that these people are not rational. A side note on this: As I was growing up, my mother used to actually say to me (shocking as an adult to realize a parent would say this to a kid) that I must be behaving differently around others than I did around my family if I wasn’t having trouble outside my family. It’s slowly dawned on me that we believe others are just like us. She herself behaves very differently. I was shocked the first time I moved home and saw her at a party with my sister. A bank teller told me how bubbly and cheerful and happy this person with my last name is, and I said, “Oh, no, that’s not my mother.” Then she named the first name and I realized it was indeed. So I understand why others don’t see it. But…it gets to feel like living in a permanent psychotic-induced fantasy sometimes.

Your second paragraph is exactly what we need to focus on. I look back at my parents’ growing up, their marriage, generations back–I see clearly where it all came from. And I do pray that somehow, by some miracle, it stops with me.

I think if God wanted none of us to marry and have children, after such backgrounds, there’d be very few people left. Millions of people give their children something better. You will, too!

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

What is hard is the feeling of unreality, that nobody else seems to notice that these people are not rational.
But…it gets to feel like living in a permanent psychotic-induced fantasy sometimes.

I also find this very difficult. I suspect people don’t believe me. And my father is considered to be eccentric and a bit strange by most people, yet they still find it hard to believe that he really is not quite all right. I don’t get it

 

[DonaNobis_Pacem]

I also find this very difficult. I suspect people don’t believe me. And my father is considered to be eccentric and a bit strange by most people, yet they still find it hard to believe that he really is not quite all right. I don’t get it

It’s the same with my parents. Outside of the house, they seem to be sociable, generous, upstanding, pious people. If I were to tell another person who knew them what they’re really like at home, they’d be in for the shock of their life. I’m beginning to wonder if this is why my mom asked me a few times, while I’ve been courted by the young Catholic man I’m seeing, if I’ve told him anything about the family. She must have been trying to ensure that I don’t reveal anything “inappropriate”, so she stressed that I keep our conversations to topics about ourselves or “general” things; her unspoken rule was that if he asked anything about the family, I should either lie or remain very vague so that the family “secrets” are kept that way. But that’s not a very Christian or charitable thing to do to a man who is pursuing my heart, as it would definitely hurt him to find out the truth either before marriage (or worse, after) because I wasn’t honest with him in the first place. After all, when one marries their spouse, they “marry” the family as well.

To holyrood, the technique you describe your mother employing is commonly known as “gaslighting”. Your mother, being an irrational person and psychologically unbalanced, makes you believe in an “alternate” reality than the one you are actually experiencing, in order to get you to question your perceptions and start thinking that you are unstable while she is the normal one. In this case, she is also using others to help distort what is real and what is manufactured in her head. The only “alternate” reality that exists is that of the irrational, psychologically disordered person, which you see from the outside looking in as the rational one in the relationship with your mother. Even though she puts on a front for other people, convincing them of how cheerful and friendly she is, it’s enough to lull those unwary people who do not have your experience into a false sense of security. What I try to remember is that when others are convinced by what they see on the surface, even though I know something far more ugly lurks just below it, I don’t have to defend myself and my perceptions of reality with my own wits because Christ is my defense. As St. Paul said in this past Sunday’s epistle, “At my first defense no one appeared on my behalf, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them! But the Lord stood by me and gave me strength…The Lord will rescue me from every evil threat and will bring me safe to his heavenly kingdom.”

As for marriage and motherhood, I want to raise my children in a home where dysfunction has no place. Granted, no parent is perfect and I understand that mistakes will be made, but I always pray that I will do all for the family from a place of true love and true desire for their good, not from a place of using them and manipulating them for my own selfish whims. I pray constantly that, if the Lord wishes to bless me with a husband and children, I will be the Christian mother He intends and that the dysfunction that has been passed down through the generations will end with me. May the Lord continue His work of healing in our lives and the lives of all who have been broken by family dysfunction and abuse. Thanks for the encouragement.