Cutting ties with family that is destructive

[Kal2012]

I have heard from both sides in a general manner that family always comes first, regardless, or that if they are not being “family” then they aren’t family. Obviously one of the commandments is to honor thy mother and father, but if they absolutely detrimental to your mental health, then is it a sin to cut contact? At what point is it ok, or should you only rely on prayer and faith in God and constantly be “on the mend” from dealing with them? How far does that commandment go?

1. As others have said, talk to your priest or a counselor
2. If you believe that cutting off contact will make you a better person, then consider it. Relationships work both ways. Most people have relationships where their parents try to respect their kids and their boundaries and actually participate in their lives. Some parents just aren’t able to give that because of the issues in their own lives.

My husband has never wanted to be reconciled w/his father. His grandmother tried to force a reconciliation and that didn’t come off as well as she would have liked.

Because it’s up to the adults to be adults, I’m the one who sends his dad and step mom pictures of their grandchild and I’m “facebook” friends w/them as well, but we don’t really talk to each other. I think my husband prefers the time when he didn’t know his dad’s address. After I met his dad, I understood why he’s not allowed to be an active part of our family.

 

[DonaNobis_Pacem]

Don’t ever think this. You are not damaged goods. Even though you suffered in your family that does not mean that you will repeat the same. The cycle of abuse can end, and God willing, it will end with you and your children.

I have generations on both sides of my family of serious dysfunction, sin and abuse. We’ve had abortion (a lot of it), adultery, divorce, suicide. I wondered about the same thing as you: if I would carry on with the craziness. But when I was pregnant with my 1st child I had an unexplainable belief that my son would somehow make things right, that with him bad things that happen in the family would end. I’m not a perfect mother, but my family is nothing like the one I grew up in. Don’t be afraid, trust God and pray that He leads you every step of the way.

Contra Mundum, thank you for your kind and charitable words. I will do my best to keep all of what you have written in mind. I pray every day that the Lord will bless me with a family of my own in the future, and that my husband and I will raise a household of saints before God. I do want the cycle of abuse to end with me; with God’s help I will do all I can not to keep it going.

I will also keep your family in my prayers. It’s a very painful family history you have, from what I can tell, and their sins are many. Yet know that there is freedom in seeking the healing that Christ offers to all who ask for it. The saints were those who lived without illusion of who they were, but sought their true identity in Jesus Christ and recognized their complete dependency on Him. :getholy:

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I will also keep your family in my prayers. It’s a very painful family history you have, from what I can tell, and their sins are many. Yet know that there is freedom in seeking the healing that Christ offers to all who ask for it. The saints were those who lived without illusion of who they were, but sought their true identity in Jesus Christ and recognized their complete dependency on Him. :getholy:

Thank you so much.

I sometimes think it is a miracle that I found my way to the church and that I escaped the family dynamic on time. This shows that whatever our circumstances are we must never despair and remain down in the mud. There is a way out with God’s help.

 

[DonaNobis_Pacem]

Thank you so much.

I sometimes think it is a miracle that I found my way to the church and that I escaped the family dynamic on time. This shows that whatever our circumstances are we must never despair and remain down in the mud. There is a way out with God’s help.

It’s a miracle for both of us! The best way to show love for family members who are stuck in abuse is to pray for them to be enlightened by God, because we ourselves can’t convince them of their psychologically disordered behavior, and to hope for those who are still alive to repent of their sins before they die. One thing with which I have trouble, however, is setting and protecting boundaries; such boundaries have never existed between me and my parents or other siblings, since it was never allowed on my part. I had to be the one who had to submit myself to humiliation from everyone else, and if I tried to speak up to defend myself I was basically told I had no right to say that what they were doing was wrong. One of these days, with God’s help, I will have the strength to defend my “territory” from the rest of the family.

 

[acadiANNA]

It sounds like your father and your mother are living in their own reality. A reality they have perceived but in truth not really how things are. I understand what you are saying, that sitting down and talking to them would not work. They have one idea and no matter what you say to contradict that or show otherwise, they will not consider a differing view. They are stuck in their own reality. Until they are really ready to “hear” you and listen with an understanding mind and heart, you will get nowhere. Other family members do not know the psychological and emotional part of the situation. They see one thing clearly…that you should have a congenial relationship with your parents. Your parents cannot accept the fact that you can’t be a part of their life. Take a break from the stress. Let your father know that you are not going to read any more of his letters, they will be returned unopened. Pray for them always. This is a loving thing to do. If one of them became terminally ill, would you go to them then? But be at peace. Speaking regularly to a Priest will give you strength and courage and wisdom. Give it to God. He knows your struggles and is with you through it.

 

[usera1553]

WARNING TO ALL! They can cut you out of a Will and inheritance if you cut ties. It happened to me. They were too violent and destructive to have a relationship. There are no laws protecting adult children’s inheritance.

 

[agoodsinner]

I don’t believe inheritance is something you should ever count on just like any gift. I also don’t think it’s important at all. If all you want by sticking with your family is money and items than maybe you should take a look at how you view things.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I’ve seen some horribly nasty fights over inheritances and perceived inheritances. What things or money a person leaves me has never been a concern. The few times my wife and I have been able to request something we picked virtually worthless items that held sentimental value while some or all of the others fought over what was, in their minds, the most valuable things. In the end, when several of them saw the monetarily worthless trinkets we got, they weren’t satisfied with the expensive things they’d fought over and decided they wanted what we had as well. Each time the entire experience disgusted me.

 

[usera1553]

I think there should be a right to inheritance but that is not the case. Nowadays with litigation costs there has to be a lot of money involved to be worth pursuing. The probate produces tension and conflict in and of itself.

 

[Serap]

I think there should be a right to inheritance but that is not the case. Nowadays with litigation costs there has to be a lot of money involved to be worth pursuing. The probate produces tension and conflict in and of itself.

I honestly couldn’t care less what my parents leave me.

 

[Xantippe]

Serap said:

“I honestly couldn’t care less what my parents leave me.”

Ditto. As long as they don’t leave a big financial or literal mess to clean up, I would be OK if all their assets went to the sibling or siblings who wanted to farm.

(I do kinda want my great-grandma’s hand-painted china, but it wouldn’t kill me not to get it.)

 

[Serap]

Serap said:

“I honestly couldn’t care less what my parents leave me.”

Ditto. As long as they don’t leave a big financial or literal mess to clean up, I would be OK if all their assets went to the sibling or siblings who wanted to farm.

(I do kinda want my great-grandma’s hand-painted china, but it wouldn’t kill me not to get it.)

Good for you. It is not wise to get caught up in such things. It’s just better to expect nothing and be happy with whatever it is.

 

[holyrood]

WARNING TO ALL! They can cut you out of a Will and inheritance if you cut ties. It happened to me. They were too violent and destructive to have a relationship. There are no laws protecting adult children’s inheritance.

They can cut you out if you don’t cut ties, too.

I agree with others, I have no concern for what they do or don’t leave me. I’ve already given up $4,000 of what my dad would have given me over the last few Christmases, by not going. Plus, he would have done free home repairs for me. But the first time I paid someone several hundred dollars to do what he would have done for free, I was just overjoyed to have the work done without anyone yelling at me or my kids.

Honestly, if I kept spending time with them, one of two things would happen. Either I’d be such an emotional wreck, and hate myself so much, I’d probably commit suicide before I got any inheritance, or, barring that, I’d probably have to spend it all on therapy, anyway.

 

[Serap]

They can cut you out if you don’t cut ties, too.

I agree with others, I have no concern for what they do or don’t leave me. I’ve already given up $4,000 of what my dad would have given me over the last few Christmases, by not going. Plus, he would have done free home repairs for me. But the first time I paid someone several hundred dollars to do what he would have done for free, I was just overjoyed to have the work done without anyone yelling at me or my kids.

Honestly, if I kept spending time with them, one of two things would happen. Either I’d be such an emotional wreck, and hate myself so much, I’d probably commit suicide before I got any inheritance, or, barring that, I’d probably have to spend it all on therapy, anyway.

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[Ms_Manners]

WARNING TO ALL! They can cut you out of a Will and inheritance if you cut ties. It happened to me. They were too violent and destructive to have a relationship. There are no laws protecting adult children’s inheritance.

I hope I will be independent enough not to be forced to rely on what my parents leave me.

And I hope to raise my children not to think too much of the goodies they will get when I die.

 

[90Domer]

This is a precise and well worded response.

I would also agree with these quotes. I had several priests who felt my relative had fallen so far away from the Church as to act like a demon towards me. He told me to pray for her at a distance.

 

[90Domer]

I hope I will be independent enough not to be forced to rely on what my parents leave me.

And I hope to raise my children not to think too much of the goodies they will get when I die.

We plan on getting nothing from MIL (FIL is dead). If we do, it ALL gets donated.