Cybersex sinful?

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2pVcGMet

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from what i understand from what i’ve read on the subject the trouble enters when one of the participants is masturbating or the general sexual fulfillment without commitment et ceteria et ceteria. however, what is to be said about married or engaged couples not masturbating but engaging in sexual banter over text messages? my fiancee and i are currently in a long distance relationship because of his job and my school. we get the no sex before we’re married and no masturbation etc but what is wrong with communicating desires for sexual contact, aka kissing and cuddling and sex? is there a line that has to be drawn? if so, what? clarification please?
 
In my opinion, if you feel “hot and bothered” and are continuing to purposefully feed it, you’ve crossed the line. We don’t want to place our beloved in a near occasion of sin either.
 
You don’t have to be with anyone to experience the sin of lust. Expressing a desire to be with a fiance isn’t sinful, but graphic descriptions of it would be. And it also can lead near occasions of sin because putting yourself in a certain frame of mind might make it easier to “fall off the wagon” in regards to when you do get together.

Long story short, it just really isn’t a good idea at all. Once you’re married you will have your whole lifetimes to be able to be with one another in a very real way. Don’t cheapen that with something fake beforehand. It will be more special that way.
 
After you are married, would you want your fiancee to text these things to someone else? You are NOT married to this person, why would you think it is okay to talk dirty to them?

And just think about all the people who are reading what you text to your fiancee… (text messages can be read by dozens of people at the phone company).
 
I’m long distance with my boyfriend so I know how it is.

I wouldn’t say hug and kisses are off limit, those are quite basic and can show the wish to be with them without inciting anything lustful, usually. And being engaged, a discussion about sex here and there might be helpful. But texting sexual things could quickly turn into fantasizing and taking it too far.

There’s a difference in “I wish I could be holding you” and “I wish we could be doing things reserved for married couples. In detail.”
 
kage_ar said:
After you are married, would you want your fiancee to text these things to someone else? You are NOT married to this person, why would you think it is okay to talk dirty to them?

And just think about all the people who are reading what you text to your fiancee… (text messages can be read by dozens of people at the phone company).
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i dont think you understand. my fiancee and i would never cheat on each other, we’ve both been hurt by that in the past and we understand how horrible it is. neither of us would text things like that if we werent committed to each other. and that was my question. why isnt it alright if we’re serious? we’re not literally having sex, but what is so immoral about telling them what we want to do? we Are engaged and we are going to have a wedding night, what’s wrong with telling the other about one’s anticipations for that time?
 
Chronister4673 said:
You don’t have to be with anyone to experience the sin of lust. Expressing a desire to be with a fiance isn’t sinful, but graphic descriptions of it would be. And it also can lead near occasions of sin because putting yourself in a certain frame of mind might make it easier to “fall off the wagon” in regards to when you do get together.

Long story short, it just really isn’t a good idea at all. Once you’re married you will have your whole lifetimes to be able to be with one another in a very real way. Don’t cheapen that with something fake beforehand. It will be more special that way.
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expressing a desire… does that include sexual desires? a vague i want to hold your hand is all thats acceptable? when does it become too graphic… just no sexual thoughts at all? or if one has them one cant tell the other one about them at all? why is it wrong to want to have sex with my fiancee and tell him? we’re not doing anything until the wedding. And it almost sounds like you’re saying its an occasion of sin but not necessarily a sin.

im confused
 
Well Met I understand where ya coming from.

We had massive power struggle from Day 1. We were extremely attracted to each other, and deeply in love. A powerful combination. She was/is very attractive, and all she had to do was walk in the room and my pusle shot up, and I told her that. If that got me in trouble, well I was just in trouble.

During our engagement there was so much sexual tension, I thought we might not make it. Either we were gonna mess up, and be mad at ourselves, or the bickering brought on by the pent up frustration was gonna cause us to cancel the wedding, whatever came first. The last few months we made it a point NOT to be alone together. In the end Mother Mary had to drag me across the finish line. She had me by the collar, “C’mon Guy, just a few more days, you can make it.”

And it was worth it. I can’t tell y’all how much I learned from that experience, because being a young man back in the free spirit of the 70s, NOT something I was use to.

Being able to talk about it did act as a relief valve sometimes.

Now I dunno if sexy text messages between man and wife is wrong or not, not a theology major. I hope not, cause we’d be in trouble. Cause I like it when she sends one to me :blushing:
 
2pVcGMet said:
expressing a desire… does that include sexual desires? a vague i want to hold your hand is all thats acceptable? when does it become too graphic… just no sexual thoughts at all? or if one has them one cant tell the other one about them at all? why is it wrong to want to have sex with my fiancee and tell him? we’re not doing anything until the wedding. And it almost sounds like you’re saying its an occasion of sin but not necessarily a sin.

im confused
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I’m not the porn police. I can’t tell you what would be too graphic. The point that many people are trying to make is that he’s not your husband yet. What if he breaks off the engagement? What if you do?

It isn’t wrong to want to have sex. It’s part of being human. And telling him is normal. It’s good communication. But talking about doing it and fantasizing about it could be sinful. I can’t tell at what point the crossover would be for you. And big surprise, a wedding doesn’t stop you from being able to lust after the person.

Basically, what I’m saying is that it could be a sin. If you’re texting something that you wouldn’t want other folks to read, then you’re heading down the wrong path. Imagine what would happen if he lost the phone. Would what you texted cause some stranger to get all hot and bothered?

My DH and I are long distance from each other right now due to his military service. I follow these same rules for him. I miss him and want to tell him that. Do I talk to him about ba-jingos and hoo-hahs (yeah I watch that show)? No. I say things like, “I can’t wait to see you again” or “I miss making love with you.” Those get the point across without being graphic. If his emails get read by the IT crew I won’t be ashamed of anything I’ve written. Don’t say anything you wouldn’t say in front of Jesus and you’ll be okay.
 
so… what you all seem to concur is that it’s an occasion of sin? but not necessarily one and up to the individual to determine? :confused:
 
2pVcGMet said:
so… what you all seem to concur is that it’s an occasion of sin? but not necessarily one and up to the individual to determine? :confused:
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Would you be okay with your Priest sitting by your boyfriend and reading the text message? If not, then, don’t send it.
 
The basic idea is that you shouldn’t “do” anything over the phone or the 'net that you wouldn’t do in person. Here’s a way to think about it that might help.

If what you’re saying to him seems like flirting, then I would say that’s pretty much OK. But if it crosses the line to details that would be like foreplay, then you shouldn’t do it, just like you shouldn’t do it if you’re together.

Does that help?

And read Guy’s post again. (BamaRider) He is a wise man!

God bless you,

Ruthie
 
My DH and I are long distance from each other right now due to his military service. I follow these same rules for him. I miss him and want to tell him that. Do I talk to him about ba-jingos and hoo-hahs (yeah I watch that show)? No. I say things like, “I can’t wait to see you again” or “I miss making love with you.” Those get the point across without being graphic. If his emails get read by the IT crew I won’t be ashamed of anything I’ve written. Don’t say anything you wouldn’t say in front of Jesus and you’ll be okay.
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Excellent advice! It’s hard enough to remain chaste. Why purposely engage in a conversation that you know is going to tempt you to impure thoughts and deeds? Keep it PG-rated and you know you won’t go wrong.

In the Act of Contrition we promise to avoid whatever leads us to sin. Engaging in cybersex would definitely not be avoiding something that leads you to sin, and I think the fact that you’re asking the question says that your conscience is nagging you about it. Saying something like, “I can’t wait to be with you, it’s going to be so special” wouldn’t be wrong, but cybersex implies a much, much more detailed discussion.

I second the recommendation of The Good News about Sex and Marriage.
 
Matthew 5:28?
But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
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I think we can add, with “looks”, “thoughts.”
 
I honestly think this is a matter of your perception. When my husband and I were dating, and engaged, we sent suggestive texts as a manner of “flirting”. Yes, sometimes it was inappropriate, and we’ve made ammends for that, but it also helped us “find the lines”. we were long distance, so any text message (or sexual banter on the phone) that made us “hot and heavy” for each other was wrong because not only did it cause us to be aroused beyond what we should have been, it made it easier for us to “cross lines” when we DID see each other.

When we were engaged, a lot of it was discussing what we were looking forward to when we WERE married, which is different. Basically, if you are flirting, or even “scintillating” that’s fine. It’s normal to be attracted to one another, and as a woman it’s okay to seduce him in a way that doesn’t mean sex. (Being feminine, to arouse his manly side. Read: “Captivating” it’s a great book that talks about this).

My advice is if you have to ask if it’s wrong, you know you probably crossed a line. I can tell you thought that you want to save it ALL for marriage. Seriously. Take my word for it, it’s WORTH it 😃
 
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