Dad cheating..please help

[EasterJoy]

Talk to your priest, set up meeting with dad and priest or dad, priest and you.

I would definitely enlist the help of a priest, because he can be depended upon to be discrete. If a priest is not available, there might be other older adults who are appropriate, but I would be very hesitant to go to someone else in the family. In that case, I’d just go to my father and confront him myself.

I do not think that doing nothing is an option for a 21 year old whose mother is being cheated on. I do not see how he can keep this secret for his father without betraying the trust of his mother. His dad needs to hear that, but it would be best if the 21 year old at least had wise help in preparing for that conversation.

Again, I’d get guidance, but in the end this issue must be confronted. What a couple decides to do within their own marriage is one thing, but children can’t keep the infidelities of one parent from the other. What the child knows, the other parent has to know.

If the priest tells the young person that he will take care of it, that is different. The priest may want to talk to the father privately and have the father tell the mother without disclosing to the mother that any of the children know. In other words: the mother ought to know what the father is up to if the son or daughter knows, even if it is thought that the mother would rather not know. The mother can be spared the knowledge that the children know, however, unless she is considering tolerating the situation. Then the father ought to tell her she is not the only one who knows what he’s being doing.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I would NOT tell the mom because it could put her in the embarrassing situation of having to admit she already knows. After all, if the oldest kid found out, I can’t help but think there is a strong possibility mom already knows.

I think I would do some serious praying and talk to a priest before confronting dad

Angie

 

[EasterJoy]

I would NOT tell the mom because it could put her in the embarrassing situation of having to admit she already knows. After all, if the oldest kid found out, I can’t help but think there is a strong possibility mom already knows.

I think I would do some serious praying and talk to a priest before confronting dad

Angie

What about when she finds out that her son knew, but said nothing?

If he tells her and she says she knew but did not know what to do about it, or that she decided to try to ride it out for the sake of the family, why would that be a shame on her?

You have a point, though. I would definitely talk to someone bound to be discrete and explore all these possibilities. His pastor can ask him particular questions that the OP could never disclose here, as well. He can explain what is the OP’s to do and what is his to accept and endure.

It is very important that the OP not try to go through this alone.

 

[CallMeDad]

What I would do:

1. Confront Dad with the evidence. I can’t even count the times I convinced myself of someone else’s guilt, but it turned out I was reading things all wrong. OP has given no specifics as to his evidence. If the evidence against Dad is irrefutable, it will make Step 2 easier.
2. Tell Dad to tell Mom, and let him know that if he doesn’t, then I will. And I would also tell him to leave me out of it; she does not need to know that I was the one who caused him to come clean.

As far as not jeopardizing the family by confronting him, I believe more jeopardy exists at this point if you do not confront him. I am sorry you have been forced into this situation. God bless.

 

[mommy_k]

I would keep it in the family, and do what I said up post first. Mention it to dad and see the reaction, and if he stops. If this does not work or if it is a physical not just online relationship, then it’s on to step 2.

I would tell my older sibling and go to a priest with my sibling. It will have more of an impact and the op will have support within the family. I would not mention this to any person outside the family besides the priest.

The fall out of telling mom without wise counsel is not a smart thing to do. Even if he is having physical realtions, a day is not going to matter.

 

[Anglewannabe]

What about when she finds out that her son knew, but said nothing?

Because at the end of the day, when the mom comes to her senses (if she comes to her senses) she will realize no matter how old a child is, it is NOT right to put them between the parent’s disagreements and expect kids to be their spy

If he tells her and she says she knew but did not know what to do about it, or that she decided to try to ride it out for the sake of the family, why would that be a shame on her?

There is NO shame on mom regardless of what happens. However, she doesn’t need the added humiliation of finding out her kids know.

 

[EasterJoy]

Because at the end of the day, when the mom comes to her senses (if she comes to her senses) she will realize no matter how old a child is, it is NOT right to put them between the parent’s disagreements and expect kids to be their spy

There is NO shame on mom regardless of what happens. However, she doesn’t need the added humiliation of finding out her kids know.

Some women would definitely feel that way. Some women would feel betrayed by any adult friend or relative who did *not *tell her. You are right: we can’t know which group his mother is in, and maybe he can’t know, either. He’s going to have to make his best guess.

I think the OP would do well to seek the counsel of his pastor or another priest who knows the family or at least who can get to know him, and talk in a totally safe and confidential context about what his situation is. He will be able to tell his pastor things that he cannot say here. His pastor can ask questions we can’t ask and might not know to ask. He might also have a professional in family counselling he can talk to, but that may be more difficult for him to find. (School counselors that can be had as part of the price of tuition usually don’t specialize in this sort of thing.)

If nothing else, the son should not try to bear this alone. This is extremely stressful for him, and he could use an ally he can trust as he goes through this. He should know going in, though, that no one can say with 100% certainty what his mother would want. He can’t blame himself or anyone else if he guesses incorrectly. He’s just going to have to pray, do his best, and rely on grace to get through whatever comes.

 

[pianistclare]

How did you find out?

I think if it were me I’d probably tell him that I know about it and not say anything more. I’d just let it percolate in his mind and hope that it was a wake-up call.

This^^^^ although I think Mommy K has good advice as well.
This woman may be in danger of contracting a deadly disease.

Letting it pass with nothing said is horrible advice. Not to mention that this man’s soul in is grave danger.