Dad hit mom! HELP!

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Going to the police does not equal charges. Charges are file by the DA if they police feel there is a basis for charges. Even if there are restraining orders filed there are not necessarily charges. And by the way there can be no victims advocacy without an initial report so it is necessary. And even if the DA files charges these matters still may not become a matter of public record depending on what type of charges. I know this because I went to the police and so did two ex-wives of my soon to be ex-husband and his record stll reads clean as a whistle so before you defend this man please know what you are talking about. These steps are in the legal system to protect perpetrators not the victims. And before you say anything he abused women and children in two different states.
 
joandarc2008 said:
Going to the police does not equal charges. Charges are file by the DA if they police feel there is a basis for charges. Even if there are restraining orders filed there are not necessarily charges. And by the way there can be no victims advocacy without an initial report so it is necessary. And even if the DA files charges these matters still may not become a matter of public record depending on what type of charges. I know this because I went to the police and so did two ex-wives of my soon to be ex-husband and his record stll reads clean as a whistle so before you defend this man please know what you are talkingthe about. These steps are in the legal system to protect perpetrators not the victims. And before you say anything he abused women and children in two different states.
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I am not out to defend the husband. I just think sometimes cooler heads prevail. If this man is obstinate in his abuse, then certainly more extensive measures must be undertaken to protect the Mom. I just wonder how many marriages were destroyed by impulsive reactions.

By the way, just so we are clear…no man should ever, ever hit a woman for any reason. I am not in any way supporting his behavior. I am simply suggesting that, in view of the behavior, that we consider the most sensible reaction that ultimately provides for the greatest stability and happiness for everyone involved…
 
FirstCalled said:
First of all, it does not appear that your mom is in danger of continual abuse correct? And we do not know the extent or damage of this physical attack. Actually, neither do you being away from home, am I correct?
The posters stating to immediately call the police I think are jumping the gun [expression] so to speak.
What we’re looking at is at least a verbally abusive relationship. What are the consequences of her leaving your father. It will break the family up. Reporting it to the police will cause potentially more harm to the situation as they may stay together anyway, and if they break up as a result that is tragic as the family will be broken up as well.
This is your moms problem. Leave her to deal with it, she is an adult and can make her decisions as she chooses, it is not your role/responsibility to report this. I would strongly advise being a shoulder to cry on but this is not under your jurisdiction. Pray for her and him that they can grow closer together and show their love to each other.
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Great advice, it is not polish girls place to call the police that is up to her mother, her mother could even deny the abuse if the police come. As someone else pointed out even if she did call the police they will not do anything, she was not there, her mother needs to do it.
Calling her Priest is also not up to her ( unless she herself wants to talk about how it affects her)
 
cargau said:
I am not out to defend the husband. I just think sometimes cooler heads prevail. If this man is obstinate in his abuse, then certainly more extensive measures must be undertaken to protect the Mom. I just wonder how many marriages were destroyed by impulsive reactions.

By the way, just so we are clear…no man should ever, ever hit a woman for any reason. I am not in any way supporting his behavior. I am simply suggesting that, in view of the behavior, that we consider the most sensible reaction that ultimately provides for the greatest stability and happiness for everyone involved…
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You might start with your college/university’s counseling center, to see if they have information on domestic violence. Maybe seeing a counselor for one session would help, especially someone with expertise in that area. I don’t know what the laws are and I know you need to take care of yourself too - this sounds really scary and the relapse with anorexia could be painful. This is a difficult situation for both you and your mother and I think talking to someone with expertise in domestic violence will help. You are also being strongly affected by this and need to take care of yourself.

Developing a prayer schedule might help too, but I think you need both religious and secular help at this point.

Regarding the above quote, if he’s choking her and throwing her down the stairs then I think it’s unlikely that reporting abuse is an impulsive reaction. Choking someone can cause brain injury and so can throwing them down the stairs. These are actions with potentially serious consequences, and I wish that polishgirl did not have the burden of dealing with this but instead her parents were in a happy, stable relationship. But since she does, I think adult help is needed. Someone with experience in domestic violence can listen to the particulars of this situation and give advice about calling the police.

Your father being suicidal is another warning sign. I think if he won’t go for a therapy appointment, you and/or your mother might want to go and discuss his behavior. One of the first questions you will be asked if the doctor is like mine (when I was suicidal) is: are there any firearms in the home? That is a major risk factor for suicide by itself. I would suggest consulting with a psychologist/psychiatrist.
take care.
 
This is not legal advice, but to inform you that if this happened, what your father did is illegal and it is abuse. It doesn’t matter that your parents are married, that he was angry, it wouldn’t even matter if she “started it”–it’s abuse and it’s illegal.
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I agree completely with ForAll. If the OP’s father had done this to anyone else (say, a friend or co-worker), he would likely be sitting in jail right now, and I don’t think anyone here would judge the victim as having reacted impulsively.
Choking someone can cause brain injury and so can throwing them down the stairs. These are actions with potentially serious consequences, and I wish that polishgirl did not have the burden of dealing with this but instead her parents were in a happy, stable relationship. But since she does, I think adult help is needed. Someone with experience in domestic violence can listen to the particulars of this situation and give advice about calling the police.
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I agree with silentstar as well. I second the advice to speak to someone who knows about domestic violence.

That being said, polishgirl, I really don’t think you should feel guilty about this. It is not your job to keep your mother safe. It is not your job to fix any mental health problems your father is having. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pray for your parents, or try to get your mother help. However, it’s not healthy for you to carry this burden by yourself, especially as you have anorexia. I do hope that you are seeing a mental health provider yourself and recommend discussing this situation with that person as well.
 
Polishgirl,
I am praying for you. This is so difficult and confusing for you.
 
polishgirl said:
Thank you all soo much for all your advice.🙂
I already talked with a Priest, and he helped me somewhat.
Yes it was physical abuse not verbal. My dad chocked my mom, and threw her down the stairs.
Yes we are in the USA, and yes I am Polish.
No there was no alcohol or drugs involved. My dad doesn’t drink or do drugs but he has a temper. I know that I cant protect my mom every time, but I feel so guilty because when I was with her this didn’t happen and when I’m away, this incident shocked me so much. Yes I am definitely praying for them and for myself. I am not calling the police just yet. I am going this weekend to visit my mom as she needs me and I need to see her so that I can have some comfort. Im not scared of my dad, and I know he wouldn’t touch me. He might try to leave our family as he sometimes does say that he wants to die, and one day he won’t come back to us, but then he turns it around and says but who will then support you guys? I dont understand the logic of his thoughts. I am more and more thinking that maybe he is depressed. When I tell him to see a therapist he says hes not crazy. My dad doesnt understand that seeing a therapist doesnt mean you have a mental illness.
I suffer from anorexia as well. I have relapsed but I’m not doing as bad as I was. I have to say that my anorexia is partly because of my dad but not 100% of course.
Anyway thank you for all the prayers once again!!

GOD BLESS
Thank you for
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During my first semester of college, on the night before my finals, my father came home drunk, argued with my mom and wound up physically abusing her. I don’t remember him every physically tangling with her ever before that, though he was verbally and emotionally abusive towards us all. But, first time or not, I wound up getting between them to stop the abuse. When I got away from him, I called the police and had him removed from the house. The next day, I went to my exams, while my brother took my mom to court to get an order of protection, which ordered my father to stay a certain distance away from our home, mom’s work, and my college. Soon after that, mom got a divorce and she got an annulment some time after that. My father never set foot in our house again since that night he was removed, and that call I made way back then changed my life for the better forever. I can’t imagine living in a house with that kind of turmoil again.

I hope you have a good visit at home, and that your mom is well and safe. I understand that she reached out to you because she felt that you were the one to turn to. Since your father has abused her in the past, it’s not that far fetched that he started up again as soon as he was alone with her. It’s not really that difficult to understand: you aren’t around anymore to interfere or protect her. Yes, it’s probably prudent for an adult woman to turn to another adult, but that’s not always how it works out. Sometimes, your daughter is the one you trust the most. I’m glad you’re going home to check on her.

I will pray for you, that things get resolved in your home and that everyone in it remains safe and free from harm.
 
polishgirl said:
Hello,
I am a college student currently away from my family. Yesterday I spoke with my mom and she told me that her and my dad had an argument about finances, and my dad is an aggressive men physical abused my mom during the argument. My dad didnt hit my mom since I was very little. I am soo upset and very depressed over this. I feel very guilty that Im not there to protect my mom as we have a special relationship. I love my dad as well and I dont understand how he can do that to her. I know he can get arrested but who else will support us? What should I do? I feel like my whole world is coming to an end because I was happy that Im in school studying and now Im soo worried sick about my mom and what is happening back home. THank God that she is ok though. I have so many bad thoughts in my head. I spoke to him about it and hes denying it every happened that supposedly my mom attacked him first. Which I DO NOT BELIEVE because I know how aggresive my dad gets. He has hit us when we were little before and hes a man where everyone is scared of him in our home. I do believe that he made use of the situation that me and my brother is not there and so he did that. I HATE HIM SOO MUCH RIGHT NOW. I am catholic and I know its wrong but I feel so much hate. How can I ever forgive him??
help please
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i haven’t read the entire thread. stopped after reading this post and a few of the responses. in the first five responses, the OP is told to call the cops, the mom should immediately get a divorce, and the dad should go to jail and the key shoud be thrown away. it’s amazing that people jump to such conclusions without knowing any of the details. in one sentence, the OP says that her dad “physically abused mom in an argument.”

what exactly does that mean??? i would want to know a ton more details before i started advising anyone on what to do.
 
captainmike said:
i haven’t read the entire thread. stopped after reading this post and a few of the responses. in the first five responses, the OP is told to call the cops, the mom should immediately get a divorce, and the dad should go to jail and the key shoud be thrown away. it’s amazing that people jump to such conclusions without knowing any of the details. in one sentence, the OP says that her dad “physically abused mom in an argument.”

what exactly does that mean??? i would want to know a ton more details before i started advising anyone on what to do.
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You didn’t read the thread, as you stated. Polishgirl provided more details. He choked her and threw her down the stairs. Either of those can produce serious and possibly fatal injuries, as well as permanent disability such as paralysis or brain injury similar to mild stroke. I am sorry for the difficult situation polishgirl is in. It may sound extreme, but I have heard of more than one situation in which a domestic violence victim gave her boyfriend/husband another chance and ended up in one case paralyzed, and in another case, with permanent hearing loss. Injuries cannot always be fixed, unfortunately.

I understand what you seem to be saying about not jumping to firm conclusions b/c this is the Internet but I have seen too many cases where a woman was being seriously abused and did not think about the chance of permanent disability until it happened, which was tragic.

What I said was that polishgirl might want to talk to an expert in domestic violence. Often this is not an easy situation for an adult child to intervene in, and I think polishgirl needs to care for herself while also doing what she can to help, since she is very concerned.
 
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