Dad talking about Mom behind her back?

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Backstory: So my Dad doesn’t seem to have many friends to talk about his marital complaints too?? He is a devout catholic and goes to Traditional mass. He also is disabled and very poor. He goes to prayer groups at church and that’s about it right now.

When we go on car rides together to places lately he has been complaining about my mother to me. He never seems to say anything positive about her. I realized I started ‘liking’ her less after knowing these things she was asking him to do! Things like bossing him around, telling him to stop saying things like ‘oink’ when he greets people, stuff like that. However, it makes me a little uncomfortable and weird knowing things about her that were told to me behind her back. How should I handle it the next time he does it? Is it normal for a Dad to complain about a Mom to their kid?? I’m 22, homeschooled, and I’ve been in community college since I was 19. My mom moved back in to our home a couple years ago after years of separation (after attempting an Annulment) and her living at another man’s apartment. We aren’t close, and I am still trying to my best to trust her again.
 
chocolatelock said:
Backstory: So my Dad doesn’t seem to have many friends to talk about his marital complaints too?? He is a devout catholic and goes to Traditional mass. He also is disabled and very poor. He goes to prayer groups at church and that’s about it right now.

When we go on car rides together to places lately he has been complaining about my mother to me. He never seems to say anything positive about her. I realized I started ‘liking’ her less after knowing these things she was asking him to do! Things like bossing him around, telling him to stop saying things like ‘oink’ when he greets people, stuff like that. However, it makes me a little uncomfortable and weird knowing things about her that were told to me behind her back. How should I handle it the next time he does it? Is it normal for a Dad to complain about a Mom to their kid?? I’m 22, homeschooled, and I’ve been in community college since I was 19. My mom moved back in to our home a couple years ago after years of separation and her living at another man’s apartment. We aren’t close, and I am still trying to my best to trust her again.
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“Dad, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to talk to me about mom.”

“Dad, I think you need to find other people to talk to about mom.”
 
chocolatelock said:
Backstory: So my Dad doesn’t seem to have many friends to talk about his marital complaints too?? He is a devout catholic and goes to Traditional mass. He also is disabled and very poor. He goes to prayer groups at church and that’s about it right now.

When we go on car rides together to places lately he has been complaining about my mother to me. He never seems to say anything positive about her. I realized I started ‘liking’ her less after knowing these things she was asking him to do! Things like bossing him around, telling him to stop saying things like ‘oink’ when he greets people, stuff like that.
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He says “Oink” to people when he greets them? I’m on Mom’s side with that one. 🤷

I would just say to him, “Dad, you’re going to have to solve your own problems. You can’t speak to me about my mother like that.”
 
jmcrae said:
He says “Oink” to people when he greets them? I’m on Mom’s side with that one. 🤷
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👍 Unless it is an inside joke that everyone is familiar with I find that really odd to just say ‘oink’
jmcrae said:
I would just say to him, “Dad, you’re going to have to solve your own problems. You can’t speak to me about my mother like that.”
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Here my opinion differs slightly. If your dad is disabled perhaps a bit of a softer approach such as ‘Dad, I am not comfortable with this, perhaps the priest would be a good person to talk to’

My heart bleeds for you. I too would have trouble trusting my mom again after what you have been through
 
chocolatelock said:
Things like bossing him around, telling him to stop saying things like ‘oink’ when he greets people, stuff like that…
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What the heck? That’s not “bossing him around”, that’s trying to help him not get punched in the face.
 
my mother used to do that to me from a very young age about my father, sister and brother and vice versa. I thought if was normal at the time until I grew up and learned a lot about abusive relationships and that is something call triangulation. It causes resentments and divides the family from one another.

You really need to be firm and let your dad know that you are not comfortable with this, end of story. It is not your place to find him somebody else to talk to. If he has a problem with her, he needs to talk to her.

I am sorry about their situation, best of luck to you.
 
Xantippe said:
“Dad, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to talk to me about mom.”

“Dad, I think you need to find other people to talk to about mom.”
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👍 Hopefully a little nudge like this to dad will help the situation out.
My prayers are with you for your intentions.

Mary.
 
Xantippe said:
“Dad, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to talk to me about mom.”

“Dad, I think you need to find other people to talk to about mom.”
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While I agree that it is certainly not appropriate for the OP’s father to use his child as an emotional crutch, I wonder if the OP would be comfortable using such direct language, even if prefaced by “I think”, that consists of the OP telling a parent what to do. Even though the OP is technically an adult.

I think a statement such as “Dad, I don’t feel comfortable when you talk to me about Mom, I feel like I’m in the middle” might be easier for the OP to say.

Also, regarding the OP’s question about whether it is “normal” for parents to talk about each other to their children this way; it is unfortunately quite common, my own parents have done this on occasion, though certainly not as frequently as the OP’s father.

However, it is not considered “normal” in the sense of is, is this appropriate behavior for a parent. My parents actually have apologized to me after such incidents and said they shouldn’t have done it.
 
jmcrae said:
He says “Oink” to people when he greets them? I’m on Mom’s side with that one. 🤷

I would just say to him, “Dad, you’re going to have to solve your own problems. You can’t speak to me about my mother like that.”
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👍:sad_yes:

I would be “bossy” too, because I would tell him to stop greeting people with animal noises. That’s just weird.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
While I agree that it is certainly not appropriate for the OP’s father to use his child as an emotional crutch, I wonder if the OP would be comfortable using such direct language, even if prefaced by “I think”, that consists of the OP telling a parent what to do. Even though the OP is technically an adult.

I think a statement such as “Dad, I don’t feel comfortable when you talk to me about Mom, I feel like I’m in the middle” might be easier for the OP to say.

Also, regarding the OP’s question about whether it is “normal” for parents to talk about each other to their children this way; it is unfortunately quite common, my own parents have done this on occasion, though certainly not as frequently as the OP’s father.

However, it is not considered “normal” in the sense of is, is this appropriate behavior for a parent. My parents actually have apologized to me after such incidents and said they shouldn’t have done it.
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I’m not sure dad is going to get subtle or that he is good at being empathetic. Remember, he’s the guy oinking at people.

If he were good at picking up cues, he’d have already noticed that the OP is uncomfortable talking to him about mom and stopped.
 
Xantippe said:
I’m not sure dad is going to get subtle or that he is good at being empathetic. Remember, he’s the guy oinking at people.

If he were good at picking up cues, he’d have already noticed that the OP is uncomfortable talking to him about mom and stopped.
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A fair point. Not much social skills can be assumed from someone who finds “oink” to be an appropriate salutation.
 
Thank you all so much for your reply’s on how to handle my problem! 🙂

@angelwannabe, yes it (saying ‘oink’ in greeting) is more of an endearing term that he uses on family members (my siblings and I for all I know) for as long as I can remember.
However, I do think my mom is a bit insecure about the term as she is a somewhat overweight herself, and also, she moved back into the family home a couple of years ago so is still getting into the swing of things. But to someone outside the family I think you’re right, Allegra, saying something like that could well get you punched in the face.
 
Xantippe said:
“Dad, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to talk to me about mom.”

“Dad, I think you need to find other people to talk to about mom.”
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The dad should find a counselor or priest if he can’t afford a counselor.

What he is doing is called alienation.
 
Yup, honey, it’s a boundary issue. Find a sweet and direct way of saying you’re not comfortable and suggest maybe he talk to his priest or a deacon. 👍

Prayers for you guys. :hug1:
 
I would recommend the excellent book *Divorce Poison *by Dr. Richard Warshak. Among the questions it asks and addresses are:

A. If I [the parent] wish to say something disparaging about a spouse or other non-custodial relative, how would the information help the child?

B. How would the child be harmed if I withhold the information?

(This isn’t the same as “A”, because they may claim that it helps the child “to know the truth” but they draw a blank when asked how silence is harmful.)

C. If I were still getting along well with the disparaged person and wished to protect my child’s relationship with them, how would I speak/handle the situation?

Seriously, this is a solid book, although sad because so necessary so often.
 
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