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sirius25

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Hi,

First of all, let me give an introduction of my situation. I’m 25 years old. My mom and dad are separated. I’m living with my dad. My dad is goes with me wherever I go. He makes me go wherever he goes too. Recently, I wanted to grow spiritually, so I’ve been searching on organizations/communities that I could join where I can grow with. I told him about it and he got angry, telling me I’ll be spending less time at home. He wants me to be at home most of the time. Anyway, I did went to a prayer meeting today. And although he isn’t very religious and sometimes hate religion, he went with me (Like I said, he always go with me wherever). We met a counsellor there who told me to move out and not be so attached to my dad. “You will never get a boyfriend. Besides, it is unhealthy.” She told me to go live with my mom if I don’t plan on moving out. I told her “tell that to him”. Coz the truth is, i really want to move out and have freedom. Not get monitored all the time and being told what to do. But I know that if I do, my dad will be deeply offended. I have had a lot of discussions with him about giving me a bit of freedom and he is still convinced he is doing the right thing. That we are “Asian” and not Westerners so I shouldn’t follow Westerners traditions of moving out when they are adults. I told him my friends in the country where I came from are all Asians and yet they were never that controlled by their parents.

Can anyone advice me on what to do? I value my relationship with my dad and I feel like he’ll be so bitter with me if I move out, like how bitter he is with my mom when my mom separated. He can’t forgive her. But on the other hand, I want some freedom. I want to be able to live my life. I don’t get to socialize a lot. The people that I socialize with are his friends. And I’m already 25 and never had a boyfriend. I don’t think it’s possible for me to find my soulmate in my situation.
 
In your other post, you said you are not *allowed *to see your mother and your father gets angry if you communicate with her.

You are 25 years old. You are not a child.

Move out and set boundaries with this man. He is beyond a loving, caring father who wants what is best for his child. He sounds like an abusive, controlling bully.

Talk to your mother. Make a plan. Move out and move on with your life. What he does is **his **choice-- he can accept you as an adult, treat you with respect, or not. You do not have to live like that.
 
Thanks 1ke! After reading your reply, I immediately contacted mom. I did have lots of thoughts of moving out before but aside from the fear of offending my dad, I’m also scared I might be causing him harm emotionally and psychologically. I feel like I’m the only person he could run to. He told me before that there are only 2 people he is sure who love him: me and his brother. And if I leave, he might feel unloved.
 
I agree that you need to move out and move on with your life. If possible, you should be out on your own and living with neither parent so that you will no longer be in the middle. You are too old for your father to be telling you who you can and cannot talk to–especially when it is your own mother. If you cannot afford to live on your own, perhaps you could live with a friend and share costs. If your father feels unloved, that is really his own issue and not yours to shoulder. From what you describe, it is his own doing from the way he relates to his family. May God bless you and guide you.
 
1ke said:
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You are 25 years old. You are not a child.
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👍👍👍

My parents wouldn’t even think of saying, “I’m not allowed” to do something. When I turned 18, I became a grown up, and was able to make my own choices.

If my old man told me I wasn’t allowed to speak anyone, I’d honestly laugh. I simply can’t fathom him saying that to me.
 
Don’t take slimy bologna as the status quo. You never have to accept garbage as long as you are able to work and get a job. You have God-given dignity.
 
Apparently you care deeply for both your parents, you don’t want to hurt your Dad and want to see your Mom. I do feel you need to be honest and talk to you Dad and tell him how you feel. You are 25 and really should be working and self supporting if at all possible.

When you do move out visit your Dad often, he sounds lonely and hurt. Sorry your in this situation, but you need to be able to grow up and be independent.🙂
 
Thanks! I do have a job and could very well support myself. It’s in our culture that we live with our family no matter how old we are until the day we get married. I can handle that. What I’m struggling with is not having the freedom to make my own choices.

I did talk to him a lot of times about him making choices for me, even the littlest ones like what I have to bring when I travel. And when I do, he does make an effort to get his hands off but it’s not enough. He still has the tendency to be controlling. Like today I had a discussion with him about that and he would end up saying that I’m too immature that’s why he’s like that. I tell him I’ll never mature because of what he’s doing. He tells me I’m so irresponsible and can’t even take care of myself. I told him, when I travel for work (which I usually do), who takes care of me? He’s doesn’t travel with me. I take care of my own self. How did I survive if I can’t take care of myself? Then he would say, it’s just that he’s too protective coz he loves me. Sigh! We have similar conversations like this a number of times already.
 
sirius25 said:
Thanks! I do have a job and could very well support myself. It’s in our culture that we live with our family no matter how old we are until the day we get married. I can handle that. What I’m struggling with is not having the freedom to make my own choices.
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Maybe try for a job that’s too far away to commute so you have to get an apartment?

Regardless, you just have to break free. If he’s not letting you be an adult, you have to assert your ability of being an adult. Even if it hurts him, he’s not being very open to letting you free. He’s clinging. Sometimes you just have to resolve to make arrangements, pack your bags and tell him the day you’re moving. Don’t give him the address.
 
sirius25 said:
Thanks 1ke! After reading your reply, I immediately contacted mom. I did have lots of thoughts of moving out before but aside from the fear of offending my dad, I’m also scared I might be causing him harm emotionally and psychologically. I feel like I’m the only person he could run to. He told me before that there are only 2 people he is sure who love him: me and his brother. And if I leave, he might feel unloved.
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His emotional and psychological health aren’t your responsibility. It is admirable you don’t want to detract from them, however, you’re not talking about doing anything unreasonable or spiteful. It’s his problem in how he’s dealing with this.

What are your Dad’s hobbies and interests? I suspect he doesn’t have much of a life himself if he has the time to go everywhere with you. He needs to get involved in some groups and develop a social life of his own. Push him towards signing up for/pursuing things he’s interested in. Classes in dancing or cooking or SCUBA. . Whatever. Are there things he never got involved in because of being married, things your mom wouldn’t have supported? Say, riding motorcycles and getting in a riding group? Point out to him he now has the freedom to do whatever interests him. He needs to get into something he enjoys, find people who enjoy it as well, become too busy to shadow you.
 
Just wondering if you perform all the traditional female tasks: cooking, cleaning, laundry, for your dad. And does he control your money?
 
1ke said:
In your other post, you said you are not *allowed *to see your mother and your father gets angry if you communicate with her.

You are 25 years old. You are not a child.

Move out and set boundaries with this man. He is beyond a loving, caring father who wants what is best for his child. He sounds like an abusive, controlling bully.

Talk to your mother. Make a plan. Move out and move on with your life. What he does is **his **choice-- he can accept you as an adult, treat you with respect, or not. You do not have to live like that.
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Agree. At 25 it’s time. Neither parent can control where you live, legally. It’s time to go. It’s probably time to live on your own, but if that’s not possible move in with your mother and make the effort to be self-supporting and self-sufficient so that you can take the full step towards independence.

I would suspect that the reason your mother separated from your father has a bit to do with his behavior. You are no longer a child.
 
sirius25 said:
Thanks 1ke! After reading your reply, I immediately contacted mom. I did have lots of thoughts of moving out before but aside from the fear of offending my dad, I’m also scared I might be causing him harm emotionally and psychologically. I feel like I’m the only person he could run to. He told me before that there are only 2 people he is sure who love him: me and his brother. And if I leave, he might feel unloved.
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You are not responsible for your father’s emotional health. In any case, it sounds like he may have more issues than you can deal with in any case, while you never live your own life – just his. Staying will not help him. It’s emotional blackmail to place love as a condition for controlling a person.

I urge you to make some kind of move. Since you say you can live alone, I would recommend it. But if you feel you don’t want to do that, then go live with your mother. But always with the mind that it is temporary.

And at 25 your father cannot keep you from being in contact with your mother.
 
move out. There is nothing wrong with living with your parents/mom/dad until you are married but like many other posters have said your dad is very controlling and you are an adult. 25 is too old to have a parent control them.

I believe if a child (no matter the age) who lives with their parents should respect their parents in the fact they don’t bring a guy/girl home to fornicate, (I did-I was a non Christian and wasn’t raised better) or take the car (if the child doesn’t have one of their own) without asking etc. But your dad is BEYOND that. Leave…move on with your life and if your mom treats you like an adult and you’d rather live with her to save money etc. go for it.
 
I would ask what culture does this because it would be much more helpful to know?

I would have asked if she’s bi-cultural? Is the father of this one culture and the mother of a different background, which is why the father is so controlling over the daughter and the parents wound up apart? He’s not protecting her – I think he thinks he needs her.
 
Phaedra777 said:
Just wondering if you perform all the traditional female tasks: cooking, cleaning, laundry, for your dad. And does he control your money?
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We share the housework at home. We take turns in cooking, cleaning, laundry. No, he doesn’t control my money. But he does have an issue with me donating my money to charities. He gets angry with that. But other than that, he doesn’t care about my money. But we do share in household expenses. I have a brother too but he’s not as controlling/clingy to my brother than to me. I talked to my mom today and she said it’s coz I make him control me. That’s why he hates her in the first place coz she doesn’t do the things he wants her to do even if he gets angry.
 
Leegal said:
I would ask what culture does this because it would be much more helpful to know?

I would have asked if she’s bi-cultural? Is the father of this one culture and the mother of a different background, which is why the father is so controlling over the daughter and the parents wound up apart? He’s not protecting her – I think he thinks he needs her.
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We are of the same culture. We’re from the Philippines. Mom is a Filipino, dad was born and raised in the Phils but isn’t a Filipino. Yes, actually when mom left, she told me to stay with dad coz he needs me. But now, after having a discussion with her about my situation, she agrees I have to move out.
 
styrgwillidar said:
His emotional and psychological health aren’t your responsibility. It is admirable you don’t want to detract from them, however, you’re not talking about doing anything unreasonable or spiteful. It’s his problem in how he’s dealing with this.

What are your Dad’s hobbies and interests? I suspect he doesn’t have much of a life himself if he has the time to go everywhere with you. He needs to get involved in some groups and develop a social life of his own. Push him towards signing up for/pursuing things he’s interested in. Classes in dancing or cooking or SCUBA. . Whatever. Are there things he never got involved in because of being married, things your mom wouldn’t have supported? Say, riding motorcycles and getting in a riding group? Point out to him he now has the freedom to do whatever interests him. He needs to get into something he enjoys, find people who enjoy it as well, become too busy to shadow you.
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Oh he does have a hobby on his own, if you can call drinking a hobby? He’s an alcoholic. He is trying to change at the moment but I’m not very positive coz he’s tried to change a million times before.
 
sirius25 said:
Oh he does have a hobby on his own, if you can call drinking a hobby? He’s an alcoholic. He is trying to change at the moment but I’m not very positive coz he’s tried to change a million times before.
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Ahhhh… more of a reason to fear the affect of your leaving? Still not a reason for you to stay. And he needs a non-destructive hobby. I had to give up my hobbies when my wife left me She only moved a few miles away but the kids (11, 13 and 18) stayed with me.

But I feel kind of isolated because I’m so busy with the kids and know I need to build a social circle as they get older and leave. (most of our friends were through the ex) Its why I suspect your dad may be in the same position- it will be hard to get off alcohol because its a center in his life. Nice if he could replace it with something he enjoys that’s not compatible with drinking- like SCUBA or skydiving. And friends he can relate to and talk to…
 
If he is an alcoholic and he makes you go everywhere with him, I certainly hope you are the one who is driving - NEVER get in his car if he is drinking and driving!!

You must move out.
 
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