Dark night of the soul

[1990Domer]

If anyone can give me spiritual advice, I would love to have it.

My son is having a replay of the horrible brick & mortar schools he attended. He has been in cyber school for about 1.5 months, but he still relives the bullying from both the kids and his teachers. They never read or met with us prior to school about the neuropsych report we had done. In all honestly, they were clueless.

My son truly has no friends except his parents and grandparents, who are 88 and 84. Since he is in cyber school–the best option to keep him from bullying–he has been doing well. He’s starting to feel the students and teachers there are truly exceptional. However, he often talks about suicide because she he was in the b&m school, the some of the staff and kids were mean, especially at the Catholic school he was most recently at.

This has thrown me into a deep depression because many ASD get a bad wrap (not all are mean, violent, insonsistent, rude, etc.). DS is smart and quirky. It does not help that he has little in common with the kids, despite loads of social skill training. Kids like him are hard to find. Add on the piousness, and forget it.

In any respect, he prays often for God to take him in order to leave him from his suffering. I admit I pray for the same…but only after DS would be relieved.

Thank you for reading this. It was horribly hard to write.

God bless,

90Domer/1990domer

 

[Xantippe]

If anyone can give me spiritual advice, I would love to have it.

My son is having a replay of the horrible brick & mortar schools he attended. He has been in cyber school for about 1.5 months, but he still relives the bullying from both the kids and his teachers. They never read or met with us prior to school about the neuropsych report we had done. In all honestly, they were clueless.

My son truly has no friends except his parents and grandparents, who are 88 and 84. Since he is in cyber school–the best option to keep him from bullying–he has been doing well. He’s starting to feel the students and teachers there are truly exceptional. However, he often talks about suicide because she he was in the b&m school, the some of the staff and kids were mean, especially at the Catholic school he was most recently at.

This has thrown me into a deep depression because many ASD get a bad wrap (not all are mean, violent, insonsistent, rude, etc.). DS is smart and quirky. It does not help that he has little in common with the kids, despite loads of social skill training. Kids like him are hard to find. Add on the piousness, and forget it.

In any respect, he prays often for God to take him in order to leave him from his suffering. I admit I pray for the same…but only after DS would be relieved.

Thank you for reading this. It was horribly hard to write.

God bless,

90Domer/1990domer

I would be very aggressive about dealing with this with a psychologist or therapist, as you know how obsessive and one-track autism spectrum children can be about stuff. His mind is running on some bad tracks, and he needs to be put on new tracks. It might even be necessary to consider medication if he isn’t on something already.

Aside from the medical route, do you have something else that you could fill his mind with as a temporary safety measure? (Kids that age do occasionally commit suicide.) Give him something big to look forward to in the next month or so (perhaps associated with his special interests) and then keep making sure there’s something to look forward to.

Long-term, he needs a better social situation. Do you have a local autism support group where he could find kindred spirits? Our local autism support group does a teen dinner. Camps that are very specific in focus on things he is interested in will also be a good source of companionship and perhaps friendship.

I would treat this as an emergency.

Sorry that there wasn’t any specifically spiritual advice there, but it does sound like a very urgent situation, so all avenues should be explored.

Best wishes!

 

[Catholic1954]

Please get your child professional help ASAP. Thoughts, feelings and talking about suicide needs to be addressed immediately by a trained professional who knows how to deal with it. You should go too. Praying for your child’s death to relieve his pain is not a solution. This problem is solvable, but you must get help and do the work. It will be ok. :console:

 

[LongingSoul]

Ring around first thing Monday morning for a child psychologist or psychiatrist. Please don’t delay this task. There is light at the end of this tunnel for him because we have been there and have come out the other side.

You said ‘piousness’ and I was wondering what you meant by that? Does he speak about God to other people a lot or do you mean he acts piously in general public? Could you talk to your priest about that issue to be sure he is really understanding what God is about. He may be submitting himself to an unhealthy scrupulosity.

God bless. I hope you get him the right help soon. Yourself too!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

If anyone can give me spiritual advice, I would love to have it.

My son is having a replay of the horrible brick & mortar schools he attended. He has been in cyber school for about 1.5 months, but he still relives the bullying from both the kids and his teachers. They never read or met with us prior to school about the neuropsych report we had done. In all honestly, they were clueless.

My son truly has no friends except his parents and grandparents, who are 88 and 84. Since he is in cyber school–the best option to keep him from bullying–he has been doing well. He’s starting to feel the students and teachers there are truly exceptional. However, he often talks about suicide because she he was in the b&m school, the some of the staff and kids were mean, especially at the Catholic school he was most recently at.

This has thrown me into a deep depression because many ASD get a bad wrap (not all are mean, violent, insonsistent, rude, etc.). DS is smart and quirky. It does not help that he has little in common with the kids, despite loads of social skill training. Kids like him are hard to find. Add on the piousness, and forget it.

In any respect, he prays often for God to take him in order to leave him from his suffering. I admit I pray for the same…but only after DS would be relieved.

Thank you for reading this. It was horribly hard to write.

God bless,

90Domer/1990domer

From what I gather you are been patient enough with the several schools and ways of schooling. Perhaps it is time to school him yourself. Look into some programs and just make it happen. Since his only friends are you guys and grandparents perhaps it is only those that love and understand him enough to help him and not bully him. I am sure therapy has been tried many times but it may be time to re asses and start anew with this with extra vigor. Trust your self and do what is needed for your son. I will pray for you. Your post touched me.

 

[pianistclare]

Stop what you are doing and make 2 phone calls:

One to the Suicide Crisis center. Just having someone to talk to and assess the urgency of the situation will be helpful.
One to the priest. Perhaps even the one who had you give a talk to all the parents about Invisible Disabilities since he seems to be sensitive to this issue.

On Monday, call your Diocese and ask who are the best Psychiatrists and Family Mental Health professionals on their list. Ask what resources are there for you in terms of Spiritual Directors who specialize in these matters.

Do not delay. There IS help available.
Be assured of our prayers.

Check in often. Many here care about you both very much.

 

[Exiled_Child]

If anyone can give me spiritual advice, I would love to have it.

My son is having a replay of the horrible brick & mortar schools he attended. He has been in cyber school for about 1.5 months, but he still relives the bullying from both the kids and his teachers. They never read or met with us prior to school about the neuropsych report we had done. In all honestly, they were clueless.

My son truly has no friends except his parents and grandparents, who are 88 and 84. Since he is in cyber school–the best option to keep him from bullying–he has been doing well. He’s starting to feel the students and teachers there are truly exceptional. However, he often talks about suicide because she he was in the b&m school, the some of the staff and kids were mean, especially at the Catholic school he was most recently at.

This has thrown me into a deep depression because many ASD get a bad wrap (not all are mean, violent, insonsistent, rude, etc.). DS is smart and quirky. It does not help that he has little in common with the kids, despite loads of social skill training. Kids like him are hard to find. Add on the piousness, and forget it.

In any respect, he prays often for God to take him in order to leave him from his suffering. I admit I pray for the same…but only after DS would be relieved.

Thank you for reading this. It was horribly hard to write.

God bless,

90Domer/1990domer

God bless you, 1990Domer.:hug3: I don’t fully understand how ASD is expressed or manifests itself, but I do strongly sense the pain and difficulty you had writing your post. You expressed yourself well:sad_yes:, by the way; it just sounds like a very difficult situation that you’re in. I sense that your heart is really wrestling with this, but may I ask you a question or two about DS? Would you say he is interested in any particular youth sub-culture? It would help me to know, because then I might be able to recommend a way for him to make some friends, which it sounds like he needs for all the world. What sort of music is he interested in, for instance? What about films? Does he have fun with any particular sports? Does he show an interest in any hobbies? I’m just trying to get a feel for what sort of kid he is…

And have no fear! There are ways to help him, and that’s the truth, so please be assured. Even outsiders can find good friends and a peer group, and the way to help him is to first find out a little bit more about him. Please don’t fret about how you describe or express yourself, by the way. Just take your time - I’ve bookmarked this thread. We can find ideas and ways to help him become a happy person.

 

[Xantippe]

From what I gather you are been patient enough with the several schools and ways of schooling. Perhaps it is time to school him yourself. Look into some programs and just make it happen. Since his only friends are you guys and grandparents perhaps it is only those that love and understand him enough to help him and not bully him. I am sure therapy has been tried many times but it may be time to re asses and start anew with this with extra vigor. Trust your self and do what is needed for your son. I will pray for you. Your post touched me.

1990Domer’s child is being cyberschooled/homeschooled–so he is out of the situation.

The problem is that he is obsessing over the last school situation–not an unusual thing for an autistic child to do.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

1990Domer’s child is being cyberschooled/homeschooled–so he is out of the situation.

The problem is that he is obsessing over the last school situation–not an unusual thing for an autistic child to do.

OH, yes I see that now. thanks for clearing that up.

 

[LongingSoul]

Both my oldest and youngest were diagnosed autistic spectrum but have transitioned really well into the mainstream now in their 20s. We were very lucky to have had a learning support administrator who was a Tony Attwood groupie and she gave us enormous help and guidance even with our daughter who was at a different school to my son.

Just as an aside to the current urgent issue, make sure not to demonise the world to your son. Sure there is a lot of bad, but there is also so much that is good out there. You have to develop a thick enough skin not to be knocked over by the waves, but also have belief in the goodness of people as well. Make sure to keep reassuring him that things will get better as he gets more familiar with life and learns his own unique gift for fitting in.

Also make use of all the programs that the autistic association have to offer. They were a brilliant help for my son especially. He started going to the associations computer club as a teen and they had loads of fun.

Today neither my son or daughter need any interventions and the ASD is irrelevant. They are both in fuultime work and university.

Keep up your hopes. It really does get better.

 

[Xantippe]

Short term, the suicidal ideation is an emergency and needs to be treated as an emergency.

Long term, I wonder if he wouldn’t be well-served by going to a non-standard school?

Reading Temple Grandin’s Emergence (a memoir of her early years), it’s very striking what a difference different kind of schools made for young Temple. Her best academic experiences were in high school at a small (and no doubt VERY expensive) alternative boarding school with lots of hands on activities and horses. As I recall, she did a lot of carpentry and set design and loved the horses.

I’ve also heard about autism specialty schools. I can’t seem to find the article right now, but I saw a very good piece about one in Colorado (?) that specialized in higher-functioning older children. I don’t know about academics, but it seemed like it would be a very easy place to make friends for somebody like your son, although as he gets into a bigger and bigger pond, it will be easier and easier to find fish of the same species to hang out with.

There’s an infertility blogger I followed through her discovery that her older child was a little “different.” After a false start in public school, they eventually put him in what they call “Hippie Do As You Please” School, where he has flourished socially.

alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2014/01/short_list_long_post.html

alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2014/10/microhippie.html

It sounds like some of the good features of that school for her Charlie are 1) it’s not a huge school 2) there’s an emphasis on encouraging mutual respect and communication and 3) a lot of interesting hands-on projects (for instance the welding (!) days in the second link).

Best wishes!

 

[pianistclare]

Both my oldest and youngest were diagnosed autistic spectrum but have transitioned really well into the mainstream now in their 20s. We were very lucky to have had a learning support administrator who was a Tony Attwood groupie and she gave us enormous help and guidance even with our daughter who was at a different school to my son.

Just as an aside to the current urgent issue, make sure not to demonise the world to your son. Sure there is a lot of bad, but there is also so much that is good out there. You have to develop a thick enough skin not to be knocked over by the waves, but also have belief in the goodness of people as well. Make sure to keep reassuring him that things will get better as he gets more familiar with life and learns his own unique gift for fitting in.

Also make use of all the programs that the autistic association have to offer. They were a brilliant help for my son especially. He started going to the associations computer club as a teen and they had loads of fun.

Today neither my son or daughter need any interventions and the ASD is irrelevant. They are both in fuultime work and university.

Keep up your hopes. It really does get better.

Yes yes yes.

 

[pianistclare]

Short term, the suicidal ideation is an emergency and needs to be treated as an emergency.

Yes. Be assured of our prayers.

 

[1990Domer]

I would be very aggressive about dealing with this with a psychologist or therapist, as you know how obsessive and one-track autism spectrum children can be about stuff. His mind is running on some bad tracks, and he needs to be put on new tracks. It might even be necessary to consider medication if he isn’t on something already.

Aside from the medical route, do you have something else that you could fill his mind with as a temporary safety measure? (Kids that age do occasionally commit suicide.) Give him something big to look forward to in the next month or so (perhaps associated with his special interests) and then keep making sure there’s something to look forward to.

Long-term, he needs a better social situation. Do you have a local autism support group where he could find kindred spirits? Our local autism support group does a teen dinner. Camps that are very specific in focus on things he is interested in will also be a good source of companionship and perhaps friendship.

I would treat this as an emergency.

Sorry that there wasn’t any specifically spiritual advice there, but it does sound like a very urgent situation, so all avenues should be explored.

Best wishes!

I was shocked when he finally told me Thursday…he had this in his all for all of sixth grade. We had a therapy appt the next day. Thankfully, his therapist and psych has been monitoring this. Great suggestion about filling his mind with something he likes. We found out recently my dad’s brother, who was MIA from Korea, was a war hero and is being honored in Korea. We are going as guests and living blood relatives. My son is going nuts because he gets to fly the biggest passenger plane.

I am hoping that meeting some of his cyber school classmates on Wednesday helps a little.

 

[Xantippe]

I was shocked when he finally told me Thursday…he had this in his all for all of sixth grade. We had a therapy appt the next day. Thankfully, his therapist and psych has been monitoring this. Great suggestion about filling his mind with something he likes. We found out recently my dad’s brother, who was MIA from Korea, was a war hero and is being honored in Korea. We are going as guests and living blood relatives. My son is going nuts because he gets to fly the biggest passenger plane.

I am hoping that meeting some of his cyber school classmates on Wednesday helps a little.

Very good.

Aside from doing what the therapist and psych suggest–distract, distract, distract.

 

[1990Domer]

Please get your child professional help ASAP. Thoughts, feelings and talking about suicide needs to be addressed immediately by a trained professional who knows how to deal with it. You should go too. Praying for your child’s death to relieve his pain is not a solution. This problem is solvable, but you must get help and do the work. It will be ok. :console:

He was at the doc’s the next day…psych is next Saturday. There are too few in our area, but his Ph.D. therapist checks in daily. Yes, DH and I were horrified!

 

[1990Domer]

Ring around first thing Monday morning for a child psychologist or psychiatrist. Please don’t delay this task. There is light at the end of this tunnel for him because we have been there and have come out the other side.

You said ‘piousness’ and I was wondering what you meant by that? Does he speak about God to other people a lot or do you mean he acts piously in general public? Could you talk to your priest about that issue to be sure he is really understanding what God is about. He may be submitting himself to an unhealthy scrupulosity.

God bless. I hope you get him the right help soon. Yourself too!

This has been verified. He prays a lot to himself for God to have mercy on those that hurt him. He goes to confession often and his therapist talked to our pastor on working on what we thought may be unhealthy scrupulosity.

 

[1990Domer]

From what I gather you are been patient enough with the several schools and ways of schooling. Perhaps it is time to school him yourself. Look into some programs and just make it happen. Since his only friends are you guys and grandparents perhaps it is only those that love and understand him enough to help him and not bully him. I am sure therapy has been tried many times but it may be time to re asses and start anew with this with extra vigor. Trust your self and do what is needed for your son. I will pray for you. Your post touched me.

We are…cyber school. Straight A’s first quarter. I will elaborate why we chose this one! Nobody supported our decision. Report card came in yesterday…

 

[1990Domer]

Stop what you are doing and make 2 phone calls:

One to the Suicide Crisis center. Just having someone to talk to and assess the urgency of the situation will be helpful.
One to the priest. Perhaps even the one who had you give a talk to all the parents about Invisible Disabilities since he seems to be sensitive to this issue.

On Monday, call your Diocese and ask who are the best Psychiatrists and Family Mental Health professionals on their list. Ask what resources are there for you in terms of Spiritual Directors who specialize in these matters.

Do not delay. There IS help available.
Be assured of our prayers.

Check in often. Many here care about you both very much.

Amen…all accomplished this morning…after not sleeping. Funny how people care when the stakes go up. So sad.

 

[1990Domer]

Short term, the suicidal ideation is an emergency and needs to be treated as an emergency.

Long term, I wonder if he wouldn’t be well-served by going to a non-standard school?

Reading Temple Grandin’s Emergence (a memoir of her early years), it’s very striking what a difference different kind of schools made for young Temple. Her best academic experiences were in high school at a small (and no doubt VERY expensive) alternative boarding school with lots of hands on activities and horses. As I recall, she did a lot of carpentry and set design and loved the horses.

I’ve also heard about autism specialty schools. I can’t seem to find the article right now, but I saw a very good piece about one in Colorado (?) that specialized in higher-functioning older children. I don’t know about academics, but it seemed like it would be a very easy place to make friends for somebody like your son, although as he gets into a bigger and bigger pond, it will be easier and easier to find fish of the same species to hang out with.

There’s an infertility blogger I followed through her discovery that her older child was a little “different.” After a false start in public school, they eventually put him in what they call “Hippie Do As You Please” School, where he has flourished socially.

alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2014/01/short_list_long_post.html

alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2014/10/microhippie.html

It sounds like some of the good features of that school for her Charlie are 1) it’s not a huge school 2) there’s an emphasis on encouraging mutual respect and communication and 3) a lot of interesting hands-on projects (for instance the welding (!) days in the second link).

Best wishes!

Sadly, the alternative school failed because they lost district funding and the trend here is to now mix different diagnoses into one classroom…let alone one school. When the SCOTUS ruled that parents had to prove districts were not providing a free and appropriate education (FAPE), parents have been losing lawsuits left and right. Our son has a foot in the typical world and a foot in the ASD world. Thus, our near bankrupt district has no services to offer him…he’s too high function. Thank God for granny’s trust fund. Honestly, the money she denied him for services in life are coming in handy now.