… I feel abandoned by God, that He has let me suffer through this pain for years, and that there is no real end to this pain. I’ve had thoughts of suicide to even get away from it. I used to be so happy before this, and now I feel that God has left me here to suffer, and wither away in misery…
I’m confused, and not to pick, but you said God has let you suffer ‘through this pain for years’, and then you said, 'I used to be so happy before this"… was there something recent that happened? Or were you never happy with your work? How many years have you been suffering now? What things were different before the misery started? Like when you were ‘so happy’ … what was different from what it is like now? Are you sure its your work, or an aspect of your work- work place, people you work with, aspect of work time… etc? Could it be you are low on a much needed vitamin?
Either way, what the others have said here is excellent advice. I want to second talking with your priest- confessional is a great place, just make sure there aren’t a whole bunch of people in line behind you just because some people get upset when someone needs the time to talk to a priest, and you definitely need to. (Suicidal thoughts and feelings are top on the list of needing to talk with a priest! Like a “soul” heart attack- gets first dibs on emergency care-pronto!)
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I'm not sure if this is dark night of the soul- that pertains mostly to spiritual things (from what I've read). It could be but there isn't enough information in your post to know- but that's personal, so don't feel pressured to write about it here. A priest should know more about it and help guide you through.
I've learned that a suicidal thought/feeling means something there in your heart, in your soul needs to be addressed. Like if you broke your foot- that pain you feel... that means 'hey body, there was some damage here.. this needs to be addressed to mend it, so that the damage doesn't get worse". Funny how people will ignore soul pain, but not bodily pain.. as if one is real and the other is not! Sometimes the reason for the pain is often hidden to us (which we can try to discover through meditation and prayer) , or sometimes the pressure is leading to a necessary change is difficult to feel, acknowledge that need for change... lots of fear in changing too sometimes- we are creatures of habit and like security! Sometimes we are stuck in it- as in there is nothing to do but to offer it up which God teaches us virtue through that suffering.---> Think of Moses in the desert for years before he lead the Israelites.. Or Joseph being a slave of Egyptians, a prisoner..etc.
Certainly though, it is important to come up for air (let off steam-in a good way) if pressured so much you are thinking of ending it. I can’t say take off time from your work because you might have the type of job you can’t do that… however, maybe you can find some sort of compromise- something in the meantime that will help put some life back into your heart. Example- wake up a bit early and take the long scenic route to work… or go out and photograph how things look in the early morning sun. Sometimes we are so busy giving to others we forget to take in a bit for ourselves- or sometimes maybe we do need to address the suffering of others to put own on into good perspective!
This refilling of life in our souls is actually what Sunday is supposed to be about. We receive what God gives and set aside special day for that so that we can be filled… God says, at least one day set aside to come to me so that I can refresh you! Don’t be fooled… God made Sabbath for man, not man for the Sabbath. Sunday is often kind of taken for granted and even some persons will see to it that their free time of that day is spent with their nose still to the grindstone by their own doing.
Mark 2:27
The Lord of the Sabbath
…26During the high priesthood of Abiathar, he entered the house of God and ate the consecrated bread, which was lawful only for the priests. And he gave some to his companions as well.” 27Then Jesus told them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. 28Therefore, the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath.”…
Exodus 23:12
"Six days you are to do your work, but on the seventh day you shall cease from labor so that your ox and your donkey may rest, and the son of your female slave, as well as your stranger, may refresh themselves.
Deuteronomy 5:12
'Observe the sabbath day to keep it holy, as the LORD your God commanded you.
Deuteronomy 5:14
but the seventh day is a sabbath of the LORD your God; in it you shall not do any work, you or your son or your daughter or your male servant or your female servant or your ox or your donkey or any of your cattle or your sojourner who stays with you, so that your male servant and your female servant may rest as well as you.
Mark 2:28
Therefore, the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath."
Colossians 2:16
Therefore let no one judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a festival, a New Moon, or a Sabbath.
I don’t’ know if any of this is of help, but if not then just ignore it. I mean my writing, not the Scriptures, of course. You may even want to look into taking a retreat at a monastery somewhere. It depends on what you need. (It may sound awful to say this on a Catholic board, but sometimes one does need time to themselves- I believe God honors that too)
May God bless you and heal you. Times of trial are what gems are made of. Remember that. Don’t forfeit, even if it looks or seems like you are losing.
