Dating a divorced women with 2 kids

[bolsheviks]

Very sobering… I guess she’s a “pretty good” fit but not a “really good” fit and maybe I’ve been deluding myself into thinking she could be. That, plus not wanting to go back into the abyss of singleness.

I confirmed she wasn’t married by a priest or a church ceremony. If an annulment was still necessary, she’d get it. With that said, my experience last night was: I went over to see her after her kids were in bed. The older one gets out of bed crying because she misses her dad. She falls asleep on the couch and I try to carry her into bed (I guess like her dad does?) and of course don’t do it right and she wakes up and starts crying again. I really, really want to be in this person’s life and help her but I’m probably not equipped to and I’m starting to realize that. At this point there’d be a lot of guilt to deal with and fears to confront if I leave her, since our lives are pretty intertwined, but if it’s the right thing to do, I know I have to buck up and do it.

Edit: Also wanted to add… as I left last night she texts me “X be strong for me… I need you to stay in my life.” And then this morning says her kids asked for me… I feel like she might be trying to push my emotional buttons, thoughts?

 

[schaubj57]

Edit: Also wanted to add… as I left last night she texts me “X be strong for me… I need you to stay in my life.” And then this morning says her kids asked for me… I feel like she might be trying to push my emotional buttons, thoughts?

She might be pushing your buttons. You can still be in her life as a friend and a dear friend at that. In fact, if you are a good natured person and have her best interests at heart, you should be in her life to help her if she does indeed want to change and better her life. That said, it will be difficult for you and possibly for her to keep things on a friend basis until the annulment process has run it’s course. During this time, really look at the entire situation because you’ll be free of the emotional tie that often clouds our judgment. If the process yields an annulment, then you can make a better decision of how to proceed with either a friendship or a relationship. Also, during this annulment process time, seek help for yourself as well so that when the time comes you are fully ready for a healthy, loving and fulfilling relationship.

 

[Peebo]

If you’re not Catholic and you have no intentions of becoming Catholic and if you both have no intention of marrying in a Catholic Church then it’s up to the both of you to decide if you want to marry…Protestant churches allow divorce and remarriage albeit most still consider it a serious sin…but forgivable…unlike the Catholic Church which would require the woman to seek an annulment first…so…answers on this Catholic forum will always be from a Catholic perspective…on a Protestant forum you will get a Protestant perspective…you both have to decide…

 

[Tigg]

I’m 26 years old. About half a year ago, I met a 34 year old woman who’s divorced and has 2 children who very much fell in love with me and I with her (she’s really been the only woman who I’ve had a serious relationship with my entire life). I love and care for her a great deal. She was raised as a Catholic but isn’t much a believer currently, although I’d describe her as a genuinely sweet person who’s very open to returning. I’ve struggled tremendously with the thought of a future with her, because having no kids of my own or experience with kids, I’m finding myself thrust into this situation where I feel completely overwhelmed, having to deal with kids and her ex-husband and their relationship with one another, and having to fight against jealousy and all these other fears. I’ve seen 2 (secular) therapists about this who, although helpful, haven’t ultimately given me peace.

I believe this person came into my life directly as a result of my prayers (I suffer from anxiety/depression and started praying to God for a partner a few months prior). However, I know Christ’s words in the gospel about marrying a divorced woman, and I also have this deep internal aversion and fear to her situation (a very involved ex-husband and 2 children who aren’t mine). I’ve been praying to God with great perseverance over this time to ask for guidance, and though I believe He’s been watching over me, I still feel so unsure of what to do. I wanted to put this out there and see what I might be able to figure out.

I’m not sure what your “Mixed Catholic-Protestant beliefs” disclosure actually means and obviously you yourself are conflicted by your bolded words above. To Catholics, she is a married woman and any “love” relationship or pursuit of marriage would constitute adultery. It seems to me this is the first thing you need to figure out especially since your prudential judgement is colored by anxiety and depression. What are your beliefs and do you desire an honest faith life? In addition, remember she too is a Catholic. Please know there are a plethora of Catholics involved in irregular marriages that have caused untold pain and hardships down the road and the most fundamental thing in a person’s life is to know they are on the right page with God. In order to be blessed by God, one must be obedient to God. You said, “I also have this deep internal aversion and fear to her situation.” This is huge and I hope you listen to your own words as they just might be the most important clue to your internal conflict. May God’s guidance be upon you (and I’d be very careful in discerning that this woman is a direct result of prayer to God.) Whatever feelings you have for her may not last the other disengaging problems as others have already rightly pointed out.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

If you’re not Catholic and you have no intentions of becoming Catholic and if you both have no intention of marrying in a Catholic Church then it’s up to the both of you to decide if you want to marry…Protestant churches allow divorce and remarriage albeit most still consider it a serious sin…but forgivable…unlike the Catholic Church which would require the woman to seek an annulment first…so…answers on this Catholic forum will always be from a Catholic perspective…on a Protestant forum you will get a Protestant perspective…you both have to decide…

Sorry, but your view of marriage and the difference between Catholics and Protestants is not quite correct. Just going to a Church that allows something does not mean it is ok!

 

[pianistclare]

Very sobering… I guess she’s a “pretty good” fit but not a “really good” fit and maybe I’ve been deluding myself into thinking she could be. That, plus not wanting to go back into the abyss of singleness.

I confirmed she wasn’t married by a priest or a church ceremony. If an annulment was still necessary, she’d get it. With that said, my experience last night was: I went over to see her after her kids were in bed. The older one gets out of bed crying because she misses her dad. She falls asleep on the couch and I try to carry her into bed (I guess like her dad does?) and of course don’t do it right and she wakes up and starts crying again. I really, really want to be in this person’s life and help her but I’m probably not equipped to and I’m starting to realize that. At this point there’d be a lot of guilt to deal with and fears to confront if I leave her, since our lives are pretty intertwined, but if it’s the right thing to do, I know I have to buck up and do it.

Edit: Also wanted to add… as I left last night she texts me “X be strong for me… I need you to stay in my life.” And then this morning says her kids asked for me… I feel like she might be trying to push my emotional buttons, thoughts?

:doh2:

Go back and read what you just said:
You said that having you there freaked the child out. Next morning, after you’ve alluded that maybe this isn’t going to work…suddenly the children want you, need you, care for you.
Kids do not do this. This child wants their father back. Not a sub, not a next in line.
These are real people, and your are playing fast and loose with their hearts and their needy mother.
She’s not a fit. Yes, being alone is a drag if you are set on being married one day. But you don’t settle for someone who is manipulative, likely inappropriate as a match, and that has children that clearly you are not equipped to handle that are not your children.
Step back and look clearly! Sobering? Absolutely. The fantasy is over.
Get out more, exercise, look around church for a suitable mate, tell your friends you’re available, whatever you have to do to move on.
This is an unhealthy relationship.
Walk away. As Xantippe said, there’s lots of available Catholic women out there.

 

[Peebo]

Sorry, but your view of marriage and the difference between Catholics and Protestants is not quite correct. Just going to a Church that allows something does not mean it is ok!

I never said it was ok…I said Protestant churches do allow divorce and remarriage…as does the Orthodox church…the Catholic church doesn’t until one or both receive an annulment…and in the end it is up to them what ever they decide…whether from a Catholic perspective or not.

 

[Xantippe]

:doh2:

Go back and read what you just said:
You said that having you there freaked the child out. Next morning, after you’ve alluded that maybe this isn’t going to work…suddenly the children want you, need you, care for you.
Kids do not do this. This child wants their father back. Not a sub, not a next in line.
These are real people, and your are playing fast and loose with their hearts and their needy mother.
She’s not a fit. Yes, being alone is a drag if you are set on being married one day. But you don’t settle for someone who is manipulative, likely inappropriate as a match, and that has children that clearly you are not equipped to handle that are not your children.
Step back and look clearly! Sobering? Absolutely. The fantasy is over.
Get out more, exercise, look around church for a suitable mate, tell your friends you’re available, whatever you have to do to move on.
This is an unhealthy relationship.
Walk away. As Xantippe said, there’s lots of available Catholic women out there.

Yes, and for your next relationship, look for more mutuality and reciprocity. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like in this relationship it’s 80% her chasing you, with you being very flattered by that, and that in your previous relationships, you also did 80% of the chasing.

Next time around, look for something more 50/50 or 55/45 or 60/40 at the very outside–beyond the first few dates, the relationship should be more equitable with regard to interest and initiative. It shouldn’t be either of you alone powering the relationship through sheer power of will.

 

[PolarGuy]

Pianistclare has given her usual good, sound advice.

OP, you will never be these kids’ real father. You shouldn’t do anything to seem like you are, because you will never be. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but life can be harsh. The fact that you might do something that child X likes at a particular moment should not cloud your judgment into thinking you are more than you are, or more than you should be. You are not the replacement for this woman’s ex, and you shouldn’t try to be.

The text she sent is another red flag. She’s emotionally needy and you’re making yourself waaaay too available - not the least because you’re paying her phone bill. I continue to wonder when she will ask you to pay something else.

Please: Move on. Please.

 

[Edmundus1581]

I won’t add to the comments on this particular relationship, but this hit me hard…

Next time around, look for something more 50/50 or 55/45 or 60/40 at the very outside–beyond the first few dates, the relationship should be more equitable with regard to interest and initiative. It shouldn’t be either of you alone powering the relationship through sheer power of will.

That is a fascinating insight I’ve never seen before, and it makes a lot of sense.

In my own life I have had two serious relationships. In the first the woman pursued me 80/20, and I eventually gave in - and she would (after ten years of marriage) leave me. In the second I pursued her 80/20, and she eventually gave in - and it was me who (after a year of engagement) broke it off.

Once the man or woman starts pursuing too hard there can come an imbalance in the relationship and emotions become distorted. The pursuer can get “target fixation” where they are pursuing for its own sake, and the target becomes the subject of all sorts of fantastic expectations and, once it is achieved, the pursuer may be disappointed by reality and lose interest.

 

[Xantippe]

I won’t add to the comments on this particular relationship, but this hit me hard…

That is a fascinating insight I’ve never seen before, and it makes a lot of sense.

In my own life I have had two serious relationships. In the first the woman pursued me 80/20, and I eventually gave in - and she would (after ten years of marriage) leave me. In the second I pursued her 80/20, and she eventually gave in - and it was me who (after a year of engagement) broke it off.

Once the man or woman starts pursuing too hard there can come an imbalance in the relationship and emotions become distorted. The pursuer can get “target fixation” where they are pursuing for its own sake, and the target becomes the subject of all sorts of fantastic expectations and, once it is achieved, the pursuer may be disappointed by reality and lose interest.

That’s interesting.

Or, alternately, the object of desire may give in to all that frenzied flattery and pursuit, and then, say after 10 years of marriage (and in all honesty), “I never loved you.”

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

OP, you will never be these kids’ real father. You shouldn’t do anything to seem like you are, because you will never be. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but life can be harsh. The fact that you might do something that child X likes at a particular moment should not cloud your judgment into thinking you are more than you are, or more than you should be. You are not the replacement for this woman’s ex, and you shouldn’t try to be.

OP needs to reread this often. Especially the bolded.

 

[smallgirl01]

kind of the same situation am in but with a different background, and am the woman.
she must have her own fears about the relationship and you.
maybe it could help you make a decision if you talked to her about your worries.

 

[schaeffer]

Not sure if this applies to you, but sometimes good hearted people think they “should” be able to get past things and do something that appears kind hearted, helpful etc.

The idea of marrying this woman who has been through so much and giving some stability to her and her children may seem like a very loving thing, and something you (or any good person) should be ready and equipped to do. But in reality that might not be the case.

Others have shared the spiritual/moral implications, I will share this.

I raised three children. Best thing I ever did. I will never date a man with kids that are not off and on their own. I have no interest in and would not be good in such a relationship.

I like kids. I taught for 16 years. I live with and help raise my grandson, but I truly don’t think I could raise children that were not my own, and don’t want to deal with someone’s ex, custody, and all that.

There are wonderful people who can and do fill those roles.

If you have serious reservations about that aspect of things, listen to it.

Not all of us are called to that type of relationship.

 

[Edmundus1581]

kind of the same situation am in but with a different background, and am the woman.
she must have her own fears about the relationship and you.
maybe it could help you make a decision if you talked to her about your worries.

Helpful!

I raised three children. Best thing I ever did. I will never date a man with kids that are not off and on their own. I have no interest in and would not be good in such a relationship.

Another very helpful post! Unfortunately the strongest and, potentially, clearest part seems to have become confused in the delivery.

What exactly do you mean by *I will never date a man with kids that are not off and on their own. *

You will never date a man with kids that are not his own?

You will never date a man with kids that are off-and-on his own?

I’d like to get this clear, because your “never” is very strong.

 

[pianistclare]

Helpful!

Another very helpful post! Unfortunately the strongest and, potentially, clearest part seems to have become confused in the delivery.

What exactly do you mean by *I will never date a man with kids that are not off and on their own. *

You will never date a man with kids that are not his own?

You will never date a man with kids that are off-and-on his own?

I’d like to get this clear, because your “never” is very strong.

I think she means those children of his should be grown up and living on their own, in other words, don’t need a mama. Independent.

 

[Edmundus1581]

I think she means those children of his should be grown up and living on their own, in other words, don’t need a mama. Independent.

Thankyou! Got it.

I can give some (name removed by moderator)ut as a former child in this situation.

My mother was a widow with three children, and she married a man who loved ***her ***very much, but was divorced with three children of his own and who were his own priority. We three children naturally took to him as to a father, but he didn’t reciprocate but it took us years to accept this and it caused significant lifelong problems, even for our own children (by bad marriages on our part).

It didn’t have to be like that however - I think that it could have worked better, so long as expectations were made clearer at the beginning, and without my mother trying to pretend all along that we and him were “a family”. Us calling him “Harry”*, rather than “Dad”, would have been a good start.

• Not his real name, of course.

 

[MadetoLove]

OP, I think you already received a wealth of solid advice. I think you already know deep down what you ought to do.

If you don’t mind me adding, I would strongly advise you to focus on your relationship with God. He has a plan for each and every one of us. He wants to bless us. But we have to get to know Him better to understand what He wants for us. We have to seek him out and ask him to help us to see in the midst of this blurry, foggy world.

“Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all else will be given to you.” Matthew 6:33

If you want to find a good woman who won’t keep you guessing or wondering if you are where you need to be, tell God that. He wants to hear what you have to say. He wants to bless you with exactly what you need. He doesn’t want you to be confused. Confusion comes from the evil one.

I am a single mom of two, 10 years younger than your girlfriend. I think it is imperative for single parents (fathers or mothers), for those that are even free to date, to make sure they’ve got a good head on their shoulders before they even consider dating. We have a very difficult job on our hands. Dating certainly could be God’s Will, but it can also easily complicate things. One must be quite alert and self-aware.

If you, deep down, don’t want to date single mothers, then that’s okay. It’s not for everyone.

If you come across a single mother in the future however, and think you might want to date her, you better make sure she is mentally strong. You better make sure she is the kind of mother you would want for your own kids if you were to have any. Make sure that she puts her kids first before you because as long as you two are not married, it is her God-given duty to meet her children’s needs before anyone else’s.

I will say a prayer for you tonight. May God bless you and lead you to where you need to be

 

[Edmundus1581]

Awesome, MadeToLove… I feel humbled by someone 30 years my junior. I’m a convert too, and I’ve been in the Church since before you were born!

 

[AnnArbor]

Just being conservative with regard to length of annulment process.

Lack of form usually takes closer to two weeks to a month.