Dating a non-Catholic

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JessMarie

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I’m currently dating a non-Catholic who hasn’t shown any interest in my faith at all. We’ve been dating about a year, and it’s getting pretty serious for both of us. He’s not at all opposed to my being a faithful Catholic, he just doesn’t like me talking about it to him, or trying to evangelize at all.

He respects my decision not to have sex until marriage, but he has had sex with previous girlfriends, and although he tries not to show it I know it bugs him that I won’t sleep with him. We’ve talked about getting engaged before, but as much as I would love to, I don’t know if I can move forward without him at least being open to the idea of becoming Catholic.

My question is this: do any of you have any suggestions of how to act or what to say to him? Whenever I try to talk with him about it, he immediately changes the subject. Are there any helpful books that I should suggest he read?
 
Sounds like a difficult situation. I’ll keep you in my prayers. Here’s a little bit of advice coming from someone that is married. If you can’t talk openly about various “touchy” subjects now than you should consider delaying any decision to get engaged. You need to be able to discuss openly topics such as religion, finances, politics, children, and child rearing to have a happy and smooth marriage. Because those conversations get so much harder to have for the first time after you’re married. There are so many posts on CAF of people in hard marriages because they assumed their spouse’s opinion on various subjects only to discover something different.

It sounds like he’s not ready to really open up and honestly discuss the topic of religion. You may need to give him more time. After all, a year of dating isn’t all that much for some couples (my wife and I dated for three years and didn’t get into the “deep” topics for the first year). Every couple moves at their own pace so this is just something to consider.
 
When my wife and I got married I was very ANTIcatholic. It was because of half truths that I was tought. But after I was around catholicism for a while I learned that it still about Jesus and God. So my advice would be to be a good witnesses to the faith and pray for him. Eventually he will ask more and more questions and realize the church founded by Christ himself is the one true church.
 
cessnawag said:
When my wife and I got married I was very ANTIcatholic. It was because of half truths that I was tought. But after I was around catholicism for a while I learned that it still about Jesus and God. So my advice would be to be a good witness to the faith and pray for him. Eventually he will ask more and more questions and realize the church founded by Christ himself is the one true church.
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Have you spoken to a priest about this? Do you know the steps for marriage with someone who is not Catholic? Do you know that it is your duty that your kids be formed in the Church? Will he agree on these things? These relationships are very peculiar in this sense, and you should really be careful before it turns into something really serious.
 
PrayHarder said:
Sounds like a difficult situation. I’ll keep you in my prayers. Here’s a little bit of advice coming from someone that is married. If you can’t talk openly about various “touchy” subjects now than you should consider delaying any decision to get engaged. You need to be able to discuss openly topics such as religion, finances, politics, children, and child rearing to have a happy and smooth marriage. Because those conversations get so much harder to have for the first time after you’re married. There are so many posts on CAF of people in hard marriages because they assumed their spouse’s opinion on various subjects only to discover something different.

It sounds like he’s not ready to really open up and honestly discuss the topic of religion. You may need to give him more time. After all, a year of dating isn’t all that much for some couples (my wife and I dated for three years and didn’t get into the “deep” topics for the first year). Every couple moves at their own pace so this is just something to consider.
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We were good friends for over 2 years before we started dating, guess I should’ve mentioned that. 🙂 In all that time, he hasn’t once let me talk to him about religion.

He is far more ready than I am to get engaged. I just can’t move forward until we get some of our issues worked out. Another big one is politics. I’m VERY involved in pro-life, anti-Obama organizations and groups. He’s a liberal, loves Obama, and openly and strongly supports gay marriage. Another big stumbling block.
 
If you cannot see yourself moving forward with this man, it’s probably time to find a tactful way to end it. Maybe something like, “I need to have someone whom I can share my faith with, someone that I can grow in my faith with,” etc. I, too, have dated non-Catholics (and some lapsed Catholics, too, who acted the same way!) and it was difficult at best. It’s always great to find someone you can move in the same direction (spiritually) with. I have learned not to put forth too much effort into a relationship with a non-Catholic because in the end, it’s just not worth it if I cannot see myself marrying and possibly raising children with this person and having the same ideas about faith. Praying for God to guide you in the best way to handle the situation. 🙂
 
JessMarie said:
We were good friends for over 2 years before we started dating, guess I should’ve mentioned that. 🙂 In all that time, he hasn’t once let me talk to him about religion.

He is far more ready than I am to get engaged. I just can’t move forward until we get some of our issues worked out. Another big one is politics. I’m VERY involved in pro-life, anti-Obama organizations and groups. He’s a liberal, loves Obama, and openly and strongly supports gay marriage. Another big stumbling block.
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I would be concerned that he does not want to talk about these issues. They are huge. The time to work these sorts of things out is before then wedding, not after. I know this may be a hard decision to make, but I would insist on more openness from him before I went further. If you are this dis-connected in politics, churches, etc., now, it will only become a further rift as you go on into marriage. I will pray for you.
 
I second everything PrayHarder mentioned. I would also stop evangelizing to him *verbally *for the time being. It seems that it’s only serving to annoy him and blocking some very important talk from taking place. Let your behavior do the talking and the conversation may follow.

I can understand being turned off by evangelization. But like it or not you are going to have to have the difficult conversations with him because you two will not be able to completely keep your faith to yourself. He has to learn how your religion is going to affect his life even if he never converts. It’s not as simple as you going to Mass alone or not having sex before marriage.
We’ve talked about getting engaged before, but as much as I would love to, I don’t know if I can move forward without him at least being open to the idea of becoming Catholic.
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Even if he is open…he can at any time decide not to be open any more. Then what?

Never get married in the hope that he will someday change. People do change but we can’t predict when those changes or if they will even be for the better. So if you can’t marry him for the non-Catholic he currently is, then don’t.
 
Kit15 said:
Even if he is open…he can at any time decide not to be open any more. Then what?

Never get married in the hope that he will someday change. People do change but we can’t predict when those changes or if they will even be for the better. So if you can’t marry him for the non-Catholic he currently is, then don’t.
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That is a very good point. I’ve just seen too many marriages fall apart because the couple didn’t agree on religion and/or politics, and I never want that to happen to me and my future husband.

BUT, today we were talking and he mentioned to me that he would like a book about the basics of Catholicism, what we believe, etc. You have no idea how happy this made me!! 😃

Does anyone have any good reccomendations? I’ve been Catholic my entire life, I don’t have a good idea of what the best beginning book is for non-Catholic adults.
 
Differences of religion between spouses are not something you can afford to just not talk about. If he refuses to, then I think you should really reconsider marriage until he does. The issue will come up, especially if you have kids.

edit: Just saw your most recent post. Glad to hear he’s interested in looking at it further.
 
JessMarie said:
Does anyone have any good reccomendations? I’ve been Catholic my entire life, I don’t have a good idea of what the best beginning book is for non-Catholic adults.
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I’ve never read anything on this topic either. However, after doing a few searches, I found some things that may be promising:
ignatius.com/Products/CategoryCenter/149/Conversion.aspx

In that search, here are a few that stuck out at me:
ignatius.com/Products/WCRB-P/what-catholics-really-believe.aspx
ignatius.com/Products/WIBC-P/why-i-became-a-catholic.aspx
ignatius.com/Products/BOC-P/the-belief-of-catholics.aspx
ignatius.com/Products/HCATA-P/handbook-of-catholic-apologetics.aspx

They all look like pretty substantial readings. I’m not sure whether you want to find something a little more like a quick guide to Catholicism. There’s always this:
dummies.com/store/product/Catholicism-For-Dummies-2nd-Edition.productCd-1118077784.html
But I think that’s more about Catholic basics (prayers, sacraments, etc.) rather than a deep look at Catholic beliefs.

There is also that “Shop” tab at the top of CAF. I found this book which might be interesting: shop.catholic.com/the-essential-catholic-survival-guide.html
 
PrayHarder said:
I’ve never read anything on this topic either. However, after doing a few searches, I found some things that may be promising:
ignatius.com/Products/CategoryCenter/149/Conversion.aspx

In that search, here are a few that stuck out at me:
ignatius.com/Products/WCRB-P/what-catholics-really-believe.aspx
ignatius.com/Products/WIBC-P/why-i-became-a-catholic.aspx
ignatius.com/Products/BOC-P/the-belief-of-catholics.aspx
ignatius.com/Products/HCATA-P/handbook-of-catholic-apologetics.aspx

They all look like pretty substantial readings. I’m not sure whether you want to find something a little more like a quick guide to Catholicism. There’s always this:
dummies.com/store/product/Catholicism-For-Dummies-2nd-Edition.productCd-1118077784.html
But I think that’s more about Catholic basics (prayers, sacraments, etc.) rather than a deep look at Catholic beliefs.

There is also that “Shop” tab at the top of CAF. I found this book which might be interesting: shop.catholic.com/the-essential-catholic-survival-guide.html
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I will definitely check these out! Thanks so much!
 
You two being on the opposite end of religion and politics should be a big red flag for a future happy marriage. His recent interest in reading about the Church is a positve sign, however, and maybe you can work it out in time. I like, “Catholicism for Dummies”. It is a good book for explaining the faith to non-Catholics and hopefully it will open some doors for you to have honest discussions about religion and marriage. Pray to the Holy Spirit, it really is in His hands.
 
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