I sympathize, but this only reinforces what I’ve said. No, this is a very bad idea, and this relationship should end.
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steve-b
Guest
My answer depends on your answer to
Are you a widow, or are you divorced and your previous marriage was annulled?
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PennyinCanada
Guest
I think both of you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
His family isn’t ‘sometimes’ anti-Catholic. They ARE anti-Catholic.
Jesus is the Bread of Life that comes down from heaven. There is no compromising on this. On this issue, he is an unbeliever.
Jesus established his church and the papacy to guide the faithful through the centuries. Because we need this so much! and your friend does not believe this.
We have the wonderful amazing gift of going to confession, to be reconciled with God through the blood of Jesus. Our friendship with God can be restored! He does not believe this.
Our Blessed Mother is our wonderful mother. A powerful intercessor. The history of mankind has been changed through her intercession. He does not believe this.
You see my point.
He is anti-Catholic because he’s not in the group who maybe isn’t sure. He is in the position of a pastor who teaches that these elements of our faith are wrong. Otherwise, he would be sitting in a Catholic church, receiving the Eucharist.
You know all of these things.
You knew him before, he turned his life around. I would have certainly been curious to meet with him, find out his story, how things evolved in his life. That said, I would never have dated him.
I would want my daughters to see a faithful man, who kneels in a Catholic church, who waits in line for confession. Who comes up to receive Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament prayerfully, humbly. This is the kind of man that I would wish as a life partner. Why did you become ok with a man that won’t do these things? That has a strong opinion against these elements of our faith that give us life? Hope for more! Ask God for more!
May God bless and guide you today.
His family isn’t ‘sometimes’ anti-Catholic. They ARE anti-Catholic.
Jesus is the Bread of Life that comes down from heaven. There is no compromising on this. On this issue, he is an unbeliever.
Jesus established his church and the papacy to guide the faithful through the centuries. Because we need this so much! and your friend does not believe this.
We have the wonderful amazing gift of going to confession, to be reconciled with God through the blood of Jesus. Our friendship with God can be restored! He does not believe this.
Our Blessed Mother is our wonderful mother. A powerful intercessor. The history of mankind has been changed through her intercession. He does not believe this.
You see my point.
He is anti-Catholic because he’s not in the group who maybe isn’t sure. He is in the position of a pastor who teaches that these elements of our faith are wrong. Otherwise, he would be sitting in a Catholic church, receiving the Eucharist.
You know all of these things.
You knew him before, he turned his life around. I would have certainly been curious to meet with him, find out his story, how things evolved in his life. That said, I would never have dated him.
I would want my daughters to see a faithful man, who kneels in a Catholic church, who waits in line for confession. Who comes up to receive Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament prayerfully, humbly. This is the kind of man that I would wish as a life partner. Why did you become ok with a man that won’t do these things? That has a strong opinion against these elements of our faith that give us life? Hope for more! Ask God for more!
May God bless and guide you today.
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TheLittleLady
Guest
Congregations do not like to have single ministers. It can be too “sticky” when Pastor Joe is dating.
They will pressure him to marry, and they will not be happy when his wife and stepchildren are practicing Catholics. He could be fired over that!
Oh, and did you say you are free to marry? If not, please, put this on hold until you know for sure.
They will pressure him to marry, and they will not be happy when his wife and stepchildren are practicing Catholics. He could be fired over that!
Oh, and did you say you are free to marry? If not, please, put this on hold until you know for sure.
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Peeps
Guest
This is absolutely correct.
I’m going to tell you some hard facts here, truths that are going to be hard for you to hear. I’m sorry to have to say these things, but I hope that in the long run, they will save you many tears.
My husband and I were Evangelical Protestants for the first 47 years of our lives, and he was raised in Pentecostal churches.
Many of these denominations take the following Bible passages very seriously:
I Timothy 3 : 1-7, especially verse 4–"He must manage his own household well, keeping his children submissive and respectful in every way.
Titus 1: 5-9, especially vs. 6–“whose children are believers…and not rebellious.”
II Corinthians 6: 14-15. Please keep in mind that even though your boyfriend believes that Catholics are Christians, many non-denominational/Evangelical Protestants do NOT believe that Catholics are Christians, and many believe that Catholics are idol worshipers who practice necromancy, goddess worship, and rituals that have their roots in…well, I won’t say it. Pick up some of your husband’s apologetics books and you’ll see what I mean.
I am telling the truth. You’ve already described one incident in which your daughter was asked if she had converted to Christianity. Take that as a warning.
What these Bible passages mean is that your boyfriend may not be able to get a job as a pastor or teacher in these churches. Many of these churches VOTE to call or not call a pastor/teacher, and I think it’s very likely that your boyfriend would not receive enough “yes” votes because th people would be thinking about these passages above.
Many Protestant churches, for all of their appearances of vibrancy, are bleeding members, and the members who are left want a pastor with a wife who will be part of the leadership team of the church (in the areas in which she is allowed to hold leadership, but definitely in women’s and children’s ministries, and if she plays the piano, that’s ideal).
They DON’T want a pastor whose wife doesn’t get enthusiastically involved in church ministry, and they certainly don’t want pastor’s Catholic children to be around their children because it is confusing to their children.
It’s not fun to be married to a pastor who can’t get a job pastoring. Actually, it’s miserable, and he will inevitably blame you and your Catholicism.
Being unequally yoked is a difficult way to live, as other posters in this thread have told you. It’s especially hard on the children, and there’s a really good chance that they will reject all religion once they are old enough to make that decision because of the misery of all the conflict that they experienced in a divided house.
Let the man go. He will have no problem attracting a bride from his own church population, and he will be happy. Tell him you will pray for him regularly, but that it’s not fair to him to hold him back from advancement in his calling to the Protestant pastorate.
And you will be happier, too.
I’m going to tell you some hard facts here, truths that are going to be hard for you to hear. I’m sorry to have to say these things, but I hope that in the long run, they will save you many tears.
My husband and I were Evangelical Protestants for the first 47 years of our lives, and he was raised in Pentecostal churches.
Many of these denominations take the following Bible passages very seriously:
I Timothy 3 : 1-7, especially verse 4–"He must manage his own household well, keeping his children submissive and respectful in every way.
Titus 1: 5-9, especially vs. 6–“whose children are believers…and not rebellious.”
II Corinthians 6: 14-15. Please keep in mind that even though your boyfriend believes that Catholics are Christians, many non-denominational/Evangelical Protestants do NOT believe that Catholics are Christians, and many believe that Catholics are idol worshipers who practice necromancy, goddess worship, and rituals that have their roots in…well, I won’t say it. Pick up some of your husband’s apologetics books and you’ll see what I mean.
I am telling the truth. You’ve already described one incident in which your daughter was asked if she had converted to Christianity. Take that as a warning.
What these Bible passages mean is that your boyfriend may not be able to get a job as a pastor or teacher in these churches. Many of these churches VOTE to call or not call a pastor/teacher, and I think it’s very likely that your boyfriend would not receive enough “yes” votes because th people would be thinking about these passages above.
Many Protestant churches, for all of their appearances of vibrancy, are bleeding members, and the members who are left want a pastor with a wife who will be part of the leadership team of the church (in the areas in which she is allowed to hold leadership, but definitely in women’s and children’s ministries, and if she plays the piano, that’s ideal).
They DON’T want a pastor whose wife doesn’t get enthusiastically involved in church ministry, and they certainly don’t want pastor’s Catholic children to be around their children because it is confusing to their children.
It’s not fun to be married to a pastor who can’t get a job pastoring. Actually, it’s miserable, and he will inevitably blame you and your Catholicism.
Being unequally yoked is a difficult way to live, as other posters in this thread have told you. It’s especially hard on the children, and there’s a really good chance that they will reject all religion once they are old enough to make that decision because of the misery of all the conflict that they experienced in a divided house.
Let the man go. He will have no problem attracting a bride from his own church population, and he will be happy. Tell him you will pray for him regularly, but that it’s not fair to him to hold him back from advancement in his calling to the Protestant pastorate.
And you will be happier, too.
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twf
Guest
I second this. I am 4 years into my marriage with a Protestant woman. In some ways it has been agonizing. Fights over contraception and baptism of children. Fights over why I feel I should go to Mass on important feast days or confession in addition to Sunday Mass. I love my wife… but it is HARD with a capital H spiritually speaking.
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Loud-living-dogma
Guest
Not sure how long the OP has been dating this other man. Is it necessary for your children to be mixing and mingling so much? If these kids don’t have basic respect for my children, I would not be very interested in their father. Sorry to be so blunt. Just my opinion.
It’s tough in a small town, I’m sure. Tell him you want to find someone Catholic. Can you find someone on a catholic dating website? I don’t know if those are any good.
It’s tough in a small town, I’m sure. Tell him you want to find someone Catholic. Can you find someone on a catholic dating website? I don’t know if those are any good.
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Lara
Guest
I would let this guy go. I would then move to a city. If he becomes a Catholic and follows you to that city, leaving his ministry behind, then you have a chance. Otherwise, the combination of his family and his church community talking in a small town about you and your kids being Catholic will wear you down.
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SeriousQuestion
Guest
If you have been married before then you have to make sure that it has been sorted out first.
Seriously, why are people asking about the OP’s freedom to marry? So she has kids, but she has not mentioned anything about it, and so neither should we. She could be a single mom; she could be widowed; she could be invalidly married then divorced; she could have been putatively married and annulled. There are many, many possibilities before settling on that she is not free to marry. Our presumption should be that both she and the guy are free to marry. If not, I presume she would mention it as a material factor but since she hasn’t, the presume, in charity, that she is free to marry and not assume otherwise.
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twf
Guest
Yes, the issue here is whether it’s prudent to marry a Protestant pastor. The assumptions of “you may not be free to marry” don’t add much. It’s almost like there’s an underlying current that a previous invalid marriage would be less shameful than a single woman getting pregnant, the latter being beyond the thinkable…
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ShowersofRoses
Guest
I can only echo what others have already said. You say he’s a good man, and those are hard to find. I can understand you wanting to stay with him if he treats you well and you care for him. It’s a very tricky and personal situation.
It’s possible that in another situation, the two of you might be able to make a marriage work, even though it would be very hard with his anti-Catholic family and small town busybodies.
HOWEVER, since he is actually a Protestant pastor, I just don’t think it’s the smart or prudent thing to be continuing this relationship. Protestants, especially in a non-denominational, small town church like this, have big expectations for the pastor’s wives. Really, I’d be surprised if he was allowed to stay there with a Catholic wife. I’d also be rather surprised if he wasn’t getting pressure on the side to end things with you from his congregation.
I really think the two of you should sit and get some pre-marriage counseling from your priest and talk out all the possibilities, and have him talk to your priest as well. Discuss the expectations on both sides.
I find it troubling that you are supporting him by attending his service, but he doesn’t come and attend Mass with you, even daily masses during the week. How would his congregation feel if he were to attend a mass?
Protestant pastor’s wives are expected to be a shining role model for the women in the congregation. Will you be comfortable with that pressure, since they are antagonistic to your beliefs? Honestly, they all think you’re idolatrous pagans anyway, so you’re going to feel that undercurrent of tension when you are at any church function. Are you comfortable living with that tension for years on end? What about your daughters feeling that tension?
How do your daughters feel about him? Do they like him? Trust him? Already see him as a father figure? All of these are important questions, too, since whatever you decide affects them as well.
No need to answer the questions here…it’s just thoughts for you to chew on. You know the situation and this man best. But, really, sit down and talk it out with him. Talk it out with the priest. But this has got to come to an end at some point…you either marry this man or not, and it’s better to be clear now instead of getting some very unpleasant surprises later.
If you did decide to leave him, and he leaves it all behind to follow you instead, well, then that would be a man worth keeping. But it’s very unlikely. Neither of you should get married expecting the other person to convert. I hope you can get a real honest answer from him about this, because he might have secret hopes of converting you.
It’s possible that in another situation, the two of you might be able to make a marriage work, even though it would be very hard with his anti-Catholic family and small town busybodies.
HOWEVER, since he is actually a Protestant pastor, I just don’t think it’s the smart or prudent thing to be continuing this relationship. Protestants, especially in a non-denominational, small town church like this, have big expectations for the pastor’s wives. Really, I’d be surprised if he was allowed to stay there with a Catholic wife. I’d also be rather surprised if he wasn’t getting pressure on the side to end things with you from his congregation.
I really think the two of you should sit and get some pre-marriage counseling from your priest and talk out all the possibilities, and have him talk to your priest as well. Discuss the expectations on both sides.
I find it troubling that you are supporting him by attending his service, but he doesn’t come and attend Mass with you, even daily masses during the week. How would his congregation feel if he were to attend a mass?
Protestant pastor’s wives are expected to be a shining role model for the women in the congregation. Will you be comfortable with that pressure, since they are antagonistic to your beliefs? Honestly, they all think you’re idolatrous pagans anyway, so you’re going to feel that undercurrent of tension when you are at any church function. Are you comfortable living with that tension for years on end? What about your daughters feeling that tension?
How do your daughters feel about him? Do they like him? Trust him? Already see him as a father figure? All of these are important questions, too, since whatever you decide affects them as well.
No need to answer the questions here…it’s just thoughts for you to chew on. You know the situation and this man best. But, really, sit down and talk it out with him. Talk it out with the priest. But this has got to come to an end at some point…you either marry this man or not, and it’s better to be clear now instead of getting some very unpleasant surprises later.
If you did decide to leave him, and he leaves it all behind to follow you instead, well, then that would be a man worth keeping. But it’s very unlikely. Neither of you should get married expecting the other person to convert. I hope you can get a real honest answer from him about this, because he might have secret hopes of converting you.
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midori
Guest
I dated someone for a few years. He wanted to be a Baptist preacher.
I thought we could make it work. After all, I was pretty strong in my faith; he was cool with his; we went to each other’s services; and though we had intellectual/theological differences, they were easy to ignore.
We ended up breaking up for other reasons. I would have been content to keep at it; we were best friends. But I knew, deep down inside, that he needed someone who could support him in his ministry, and that wasn’t me. So, in the big scheme of things, it was a good thing that he ended up being dissatisfied with “us” and wanted to find someone else.
I ended up marrying a nonpracticing secular Methodist. It’s still difficult, because Catholicism isn’t just something you do for an hour on Sunday; it’s a total worldview. You take certain things for granted, you look at the big picture in a unique way, and so on. Things that he understood intellectually are very difficult for him to cooperate with when they bump up against what he wants. I’ve been fortunate that I’ve been allowed to raise the kids Catholic… but I know, as they get older, and things get more complicated, we’re going to have very conflicting advice on how to perceive the world around them, make decisions that affect their bodies and their souls, and just the big picture in general.
His ministry isn’t just a philosophy; it’s his livelihood. And it doesn’t exist in a vacuum: the pastor’s wife is a critical part of keeping things running, especially in a social/organizational way. Your not being on board 100%, and him being okay with you not being on board 100%, might be good today, and tomorrow, and maybe the next day… but looking at things long-term, you’ll both likely end up feeling unfulfilled about marrying someone who was incompatible on a major issue.
I thought we could make it work. After all, I was pretty strong in my faith; he was cool with his; we went to each other’s services; and though we had intellectual/theological differences, they were easy to ignore.
We ended up breaking up for other reasons. I would have been content to keep at it; we were best friends. But I knew, deep down inside, that he needed someone who could support him in his ministry, and that wasn’t me. So, in the big scheme of things, it was a good thing that he ended up being dissatisfied with “us” and wanted to find someone else.
I ended up marrying a nonpracticing secular Methodist. It’s still difficult, because Catholicism isn’t just something you do for an hour on Sunday; it’s a total worldview. You take certain things for granted, you look at the big picture in a unique way, and so on. Things that he understood intellectually are very difficult for him to cooperate with when they bump up against what he wants. I’ve been fortunate that I’ve been allowed to raise the kids Catholic… but I know, as they get older, and things get more complicated, we’re going to have very conflicting advice on how to perceive the world around them, make decisions that affect their bodies and their souls, and just the big picture in general.
His ministry isn’t just a philosophy; it’s his livelihood. And it doesn’t exist in a vacuum: the pastor’s wife is a critical part of keeping things running, especially in a social/organizational way. Your not being on board 100%, and him being okay with you not being on board 100%, might be good today, and tomorrow, and maybe the next day… but looking at things long-term, you’ll both likely end up feeling unfulfilled about marrying someone who was incompatible on a major issue.
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Roseeurekacross
Guest
here is my first thought, do you have an annulment? If you don’t, or you are not widowed, you cannot date
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TC3033
Guest
Eh…I’m glad my wife “settled” with me, a non-Catholic. If not, we may have missed out on 15 years of marriage (and counting) and 3 great kids.
Hasn’t really been that difficult on us, or the kids TBH. The only thing that has been difficult on our marriage (as religion goes) is how I can be treated at her parish and some of the things that have been said about non-Catholics has made for some awkward moments.
We’re really in sync, so don’t really have many (if any) problems as far as religion goes, and we’re in sync that some of the treatment and words that come out of her parish shouldn’t be.
I just find it strange that so many speak in absolutes that mixed-marriages are darn near impossible…¯_(ツ)_/¯
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somecanadian
Guest
When they say this they’re generally speaking about immature people who cannot and will not bend, compromise and respect each other.
Dated my fellow two years. He’s also non-Catholic. We married a few months ago. He attends Mass with me when I ask, takes me to confession, when he’s not attending Mass he reminds me to go, he’s agreed to embrace Catholic sexuality, he has the same morality I have (despite not being Catholic)… all around he’s perfect even if we don’t agree on God.
But I’ve seen many, many people who will not bend, who cannot compromise, who continually have to dig and prod and attempt to ‘convert’ their partner. Those sort of people are not good for a mixed marriage. The trouble is, sometimes those warning signs don’t show up during courting because people hide that side of themselves.
The key is you must NEVER go into the relationship with the caveat that they’ll be perfect ONCE THEY CHANGE their beliefs. That is a red flag of doom that is guaranteed to doom the relationship. If you are not happy with your partner as they are, exactly where they are… if you cannot be happy with them if they NEVER convert… then you need to walk away.
So, so, so many people in mixed marriages cannot do that (be happy with their partner never converting).
Dated my fellow two years. He’s also non-Catholic. We married a few months ago. He attends Mass with me when I ask, takes me to confession, when he’s not attending Mass he reminds me to go, he’s agreed to embrace Catholic sexuality, he has the same morality I have (despite not being Catholic)… all around he’s perfect even if we don’t agree on God.
But I’ve seen many, many people who will not bend, who cannot compromise, who continually have to dig and prod and attempt to ‘convert’ their partner. Those sort of people are not good for a mixed marriage. The trouble is, sometimes those warning signs don’t show up during courting because people hide that side of themselves.
The key is you must NEVER go into the relationship with the caveat that they’ll be perfect ONCE THEY CHANGE their beliefs. That is a red flag of doom that is guaranteed to doom the relationship. If you are not happy with your partner as they are, exactly where they are… if you cannot be happy with them if they NEVER convert… then you need to walk away.
So, so, so many people in mixed marriages cannot do that (be happy with their partner never converting).
Two things.PennyinCanada:
Eh…I’m glad my wife “settled” with me, a non-Catholic. If not, we may have missed out on 15 years of marriage (and counting) and 3 great kids.
Hasn’t really been that difficult on us, or the kids TBH. The only thing that has been difficult on our marriage (as religion goes) is how I can be treated at her parish and some of the things that have been said about non-Catholics has made for some awkward moments.
We’re really in sync, so don’t really have many (if any) problems as far as religion goes, and we’re in sync that some of the treatment and words that come out of her parish shouldn’t be.
I just find it strange that so many speak in absolutes that mixed-marriages are darn near impossible…¯_(ツ)_/¯
- You’re probably not a pastor of an anti-Catholic Protestant church; and
- What faith do your children practice?
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thistle
Guest
I fully agree with this.
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TheLittleLady
Guest
Your marriage is the exception to most. You come across as very accommodating and I doubt you will intentionally try to convert your Catholic kids away, not try to make them doubt. You seem to be intentional, not just “throwing it against the wall and hoping it sticks” sort of man.
In real life, I am really good friends with 5 couples in mixed marriages who have children that have stood the test of time (30 years + married, have adult children). 4 are Catholic wife, 1 is Catholic husband.
Sadly, in all but one of them, the children practice no faith at all. In one of them the Catholic spouse has fallen away. The one example where the adult children practice, they fell away for their early adult lives, non-catholic dad became Catholic late in life, the adult kids came back to the Faith with him (and now those adults are UUUBBBEEERRR Catholic
)
Playing the odds, when a Catholic woman marries a non-Catholic man, the kids will follow dad. Not meant as an insult to good non-Catholic men, it is simply a statistic.
The Swiss study cited in this article has been cited in countless articles.
In real life, I am really good friends with 5 couples in mixed marriages who have children that have stood the test of time (30 years + married, have adult children). 4 are Catholic wife, 1 is Catholic husband.
Sadly, in all but one of them, the children practice no faith at all. In one of them the Catholic spouse has fallen away. The one example where the adult children practice, they fell away for their early adult lives, non-catholic dad became Catholic late in life, the adult kids came back to the Faith with him (and now those adults are UUUBBBEEERRR Catholic
)Playing the odds, when a Catholic woman marries a non-Catholic man, the kids will follow dad. Not meant as an insult to good non-Catholic men, it is simply a statistic.
The Swiss study cited in this article has been cited in countless articles.
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