Dating a Protestant

[wk11]

There’s a girl I’m interested in, a Protestant involved with the same (nondenominational) campus ministry as me. She’s very strong in her faith, has a good character, and I’m fairly certain there’s mutual interest . As for myself, I’m thoroughly orthodox, committed to my faith, and have a solid grasp on Catholic apologetics. I’m planning on asking her out at the start of next semester, but want to process the situation. We’ve talked some, not a lot, about our differing beliefs; she has relatively little exposure to Catholics, and is quite open to discussing points of contention, but does firmly disagree with some major Catholic doctrine.

If we do enter a serious relationship, this raises questions. How can I go about trying to bring her around to Catholicism without turning the relationship “date evangelism?” Is it even healthy for me to enter a relationship with the hope that she accepts Catholicism, or would that be building on a faulty foundation? If she doesn’t convert, would it be unwise to get married, considering the impact on our future and that of our children? (On one hand, she’s a very faithful Christian who would bring God into marriage and motherhood, on the other hand, if she didn’t convert that would likely mean she actively disagreed with the truth of the Church).

Any answers to the above questions or general advice? Particularly appreciated would be from anyone who has been in a similar spot, is dating/married to a non-Catholic, or converted from Protestantism to Catholicism.

Bonus conundrum: This is a secondary concern, but if anyone has particular insight on it, share away. I’ve been dealing with VERY strong feelings for another girl, probably my closest female friend (also a good friend of the girl I want to ask out), who is already in a relationship. These feelings has been present for several months, and while I’ve come a long way in offering them to God and letting go of it, occasionally the desire to pursue a relationship if she becomes single comes to mind. If anyone has been in a similar situation or has advice, please share.

 

[Xantippe]

There’s a girl I’m interested in, a Protestant involved with the same (nondenominational) campus ministry as me. She’s very strong in her faith, has a good character, and I’m fairly certain there’s mutual interest . As for myself, I’m thoroughly orthodox, committed to my faith, and have a solid grasp on Catholic apologetics. I’m planning on asking her out at the start of next semester, but want to process the situation. We’ve talked some, not a lot, about our differing beliefs; she has relatively little exposure to Catholics, and is quite open to discussing points of contention, but does firmly disagree with some major Catholic doctrine.

If we do enter a serious relationship, this raises questions. How can I go about trying to bring her around to Catholicism without turning the relationship “date evangelism?” Is it even healthy for me to enter a relationship with the hope that she accepts Catholicism, or would that be building on a faulty foundation? If she doesn’t convert, would it be unwise to get married, considering the impact on our future and that of our children? (On one hand, she’s a very faithful Christian who would bring God into marriage and motherhood, on the other hand, if she didn’t convert that would likely mean she actively disagreed with the truth of the Church).

Any answers to the above questions or general advice? Particularly appreciated would be from anyone who has been in a similar spot, is dating/married to a non-Catholic, or converted from Protestantism to Catholicism.

Bonus conundrum: This is a secondary concern, but if anyone has particular insight on it, share away. I’ve been dealing with VERY strong feelings for another girl, probably my closest female friend (also a good friend of the girl I want to ask out), who is already in a relationship. These feelings has been present for several months, and while I’ve come a long way in offering them to God and letting go of it, occasionally the desire to pursue a relationship if she becomes single comes to mind. If anyone has been in a similar situation or has advice, please share.

I feel like there are a lot of red flags in your situation. What you’re talking about totally IS missionary dating. There are a lot of nice orthodox Catholic girls pining for a nice orthodox Catholic guy–give yourself more of a chance to meet them. It may take a while, but they are out there. There are also a lot of nice Catholic-curious girls out there pining for a nice orthodox Catholic guy.

I grew up in an Evangelical Protestant family but was increasingly interested in Catholicism as a teenager and young adult (I had a Catholic teacher in my public high school who was very influential on me). However, one thing that held me back was while Catholics seemed to have great IDEAS, as an undergraduate I never met well-informed practicing Catholics my age. But I was still interested. The way that I met my husband was I walked into our college Newman center during my first few weeks of graduate school into a graduate/young professional reading group, and there he was! (He was, not coincidentally, the first well-informed, devout Catholic young man I had ever spoken to.) I did RCIA concurrently with getting to know my future husband, we got engaged very quickly, I was received at the Easter Vigil, and we got married very soon after that–it took well under a year. That was 17 years ago.

My future husband was able to clear up a lot of intellectual issues for me and to give me some reassurance about practical issues. For instance, before I talked to my husband, I had no idea that there was something called NFP that was distinct from classic calendar rhythm and more accurate.

Here are some likely problem areas for a marriage between you and somebody like your serious Protestant friend:

–NFP/birth control/sterilization
–family size
–days of obligations.
–Catholic home decor
–going to church by yourself with children (very hard and sad)
–having to be 100% responsible for the Catholic part of your future children’s religious education

Logistically speaking, marrying a solid Catholic is easier. There’s also the problem that while the non-Catholic may be enchanted by Catholicism during courtship (when there’s fairy dust over everything) and may convert, as time goes on, and they have to deal with it day to day, they may grow progressively less enchanted, both by Catholicism and you. So, I would encourage a little air space between your future wife’s faith and her relationship with you.

Also, back to your situation, the more serious your friend is about her Protestantism, the more likely that she will feel bound by conscience to teach your children HER beliefs.

Best wishes!

 

[1ke]

How can I go about trying to bring her around to Catholicism without turning the relationship “date evangelism?”

You can’t.

Is it even healthy for me to enter a relationship with the hope that she accepts Catholicism,

No. In fact it is extremely unwise.

or would that be building on a faulty foundation?

Absolutely. Moreover it is disrespectful of her-- I like you but you need fixing.

If she doesn’t convert, would it be unwise to get married, considering the impact on our future and that of our children?

Yes, and this is why it is unwise to date non-Catholics.

Any answers to the above questions or general advice?

My advice is don’t go there.

Particularly appreciated would be from anyone who has been in a similar spot, is dating/married to a non-Catholic, or converted from Protestantism to Catholicism.

You can read the thousands of heartbreaking posts on CAF that discuss this situation.

 

[Blessedwithfive]

There are also thousands of Protestant/Catholic marriages which work out quite well. Some of the most active parish families have mixed religion marriages. It has worked for me for over 25 years and five kids. My husband is Protestant and active in our Catholic parish. He attends Mass each week, sings in choir and defends the Catholic faith. It can work.

 

[angelic06]

There are already several threads in the Family Life forum and elsewhere which treat this sort of matter in one way or another.

They almost always devolve into something like “don’t be judgmental, give a non-Catholic a chance”, “you might be the reason s/he converts”. I do not and have never bought into that kind of thinking. In the vast majority of cases I have seen, a Catholic who marries a non-Catholic falls away from the faith, and naturally, their children are not brought into the Holy Catholic Faith. Does that mean that conversion occasionally happens? Sure. But these times are few and far between, at least in my own experience.

I urge the OP to carefully deal with your feelings now and spare yourself some woes later.

 

[Dorothy]

I feel like there are a lot of red flags in your situation. What you’re talking about totally IS missionary dating. There are a lot of nice orthodox Catholic girls pining for a nice orthodox Catholic guy–give yourself more of a chance to meet them. It may take a while, but they are out there. There are also a lot of nice Catholic-curious girls out there pining for a nice orthodox Catholic guy.

I grew up in an Evangelical Protestant family but was increasingly interested in Catholicism as a teenager and young adult (I had a Catholic teacher in my public high school who was very influential on me). However, one thing that held me back was while Catholics seemed to have great IDEAS, as an undergraduate I never met well-informed practicing Catholics my age. But I was still interested. The way that I met my husband was I walked into our college Newman center during my first few weeks of graduate school into a graduate/young professional reading group, and there he was! (He was, not coincidentally, the first well-informed, devout Catholic young man I had ever spoken to.) I did RCIA concurrently with getting to know my future husband, we got engaged very quickly, I was received at the Easter Vigil, and we got married very soon after that–it took well under a year. That was 17 years ago.

My future husband was able to clear up a lot of intellectual issues for me and to give me some reassurance about practical issues. For instance, before I talked to my husband, I had no idea that there was something called NFP that was distinct from classic calendar rhythm and more accurate.

Here are some likely problem areas for a marriage between you and somebody like your serious Protestant friend:

–NFP/birth control/sterilization
–family size
–days of obligations.
–Catholic home decor
–going to church by yourself with children (very hard and sad)
–having to be 100% responsible for the Catholic part of your future children’s religious education

Logistically speaking, marrying a solid Catholic is easier. There’s also the problem that while the non-Catholic may be enchanted by Catholicism during courtship (when there’s fairy dust over everything) and may convert, as time goes on, and they have to deal with it day to day, they may grow progressively less enchanted, both by Catholicism and you. So, I would encourage a little air space between your future wife’s faith and her relationship with you.

Also, back to your situation, the more serious your friend is about her Protestantism, the more likely that she will feel bound by conscience to teach your children HER beliefs.

Best wishes!

Excellent post!

 

[1ke]

There are also thousands of Protestant/Catholic marriages which work out quite well. Some of the most active parish families have mixed religion marriages. It has worked for me for over 25 years and five kids. My husband is Protestant and active in our Catholic parish. He attends Mass each week, sings in choir and defends the Catholic faith. It can work.

It “works” when one of the parties is non practicing in their own faith. Your marriage is a good example of that and I am glad it has worked out that way for you. The OP describes a very different scenario-- a woman active and strong in her own faith tradition.

 

[Xantippe]

It “works” when one of the parties is non practicing in their own faith. Your marriage is a good example of that and I am glad it has worked out that way for you. The OP describes a very different scenario-- a woman active and strong in her own faith tradition.

Yes–that makes a big difference.

Also, OP, bear in mind that you are not the only person in this scenario who wants to make a convert.

 

[jmcrae]

There’s a girl I’m interested in, a Protestant involved with the same (nondenominational) campus ministry as me.

Okay. Let’s stop right there. We’re already into a scenario where “it doesn’t matter what religion you are, as long as you mean well” when you’re supporting non-Catholic ministries.

(I’m betting that this “non-denominational” ministry has denominational support somewhere in the background, and I’m also probably pretty safe in thinking it isn’t your local Catholic Diocese.)

This isn’t politically correct, but being Catholic matters. Catholics need to marry Catholics, in order to raise strong Catholic children. Marriage is difficult enough when you have everything in common, so don’t set up unnecessary road-blocks for yourself by introducing differences that go to the core of who you are as a person.

What’s a stimulating conversation today is going to be the same boring old argument when you’re seventy-five or eighty years old. And it’s going to be cause for tears and pain when it comes to discussions about how to raise your children - whether to have them baptized, and what schools they should attend, etc.

 

[Lou2U]

Yes–that makes a big difference.

Also, OP, bear in mind that you are not the only person in this scenario who wants to make a convert.

Yes. You would love this girl to be devout Catholic, and she most likely wants you to convert to her faith.

If you are already seeing potential problems that could arise in your relationship, and even more if you get married, why would you want to spend time living them? I suggest you move on.

Also, if you’re having feelings for another girl, you should really “sort it” before entering any relationship. It isn’t fair to date someone and hope for another to become available.

Lou

 

[OraLabora]

It “works” when one of the parties is non practicing in their own faith. Your marriage is a good example of that and I am glad it has worked out that way for you. The OP describes a very different scenario-- a woman active and strong in her own faith tradition.

Not necessarily true, and I offer my own marriage as a case in point. I am married to an evangelical “low church” Anglican. We’ve been married 27 years. Has it always been easy? No, no marriage is always easy. There is plenty to disagree about besides religion. Do I actively try to convert my wife? Only if you consider prayer to be active attempts at conversion. What I have actively worked at is getting her to recognize and respect the seriousness and depth of my faith which helped her realize Catholicism isn’t some sort of three headed monster, and in fact has more in common with hers than she imagined.

Instead we focus on our common love of Christ. Believe me there is actually a lot of common ground. After all we are both Christian. She loves Benedictines and oblates and is absolutely enamoured with Pope Francis, and I love her church community and her pastor. I have friends in her community as well. Interestingly, I suggested to her pastor that he visit our local Abbey and set up a meeting with him and an anglophone monk. He is now far more open to Catholicism and even occasionally preaches about Mary. I doubt he’ll covert, but it has helped reduce misunderstandings between our two faiths.

I also want to say that my wife’s quiet example of her simple faith has helped make me a better and more charitable Catholic; she is a woman of action and faith for her means helping those in need, hence her love of Pope Francis. When I get too caught up in liturgical finery or when my contemplative nature has me fall too far into navel gazing, she gently brings me back around. I would be a much poorer Catholic without her! On the other hand from me, she has learned the value of contemplative prayer for battery recharging, and the value of monasticism and monks’ quiet support and prayer for when things went south for us in a difficult period in our marriage.

So yes it is possible for two Christians of different tradition to make it work together. It requires love, patience and above all the humility to recognize that beyond doctrinal differences, sometimes the non-Catholic spouse can get it very very right, and the Catholic one can be very very wrong (speaking strictly from my perspective; I’m sure she’d say the same).

Getting back to the OP, no, your way of approaching this girl is very wrong and will only lead to heartache. You need to mature more in your faith and develop enough self-assurance in it so that you focus more on your ongoing conversion and trust God through prayer to lead your partner down the right path. We are all undergoing conversion till we die. One has to accept with humility that perhaps God wants this girl to stay and witness within her own community, or that her rate of conversion is different. It really is an intimate issue between God and her, which you can support through prayer and being steadfast in your own faith without being in your face about it.

 

[kptrs]

Bonus conundrum: This is a secondary concern, but if anyone has particular insight on it, share away. I’ve been dealing with VERY strong feelings for another girl, probably my closest female friend (also a good friend of the girl I want to ask out), who is already in a relationship. These feelings has been present for several months, and while I’ve come a long way in offering them to God and letting go of it, occasionally the desire to pursue a relationship if she becomes single comes to mind. If anyone has been in a similar situation or has advice, please share.

You’ve received good advice, but I’m surprised more posters haven’t touched on this aspect of your situation. Religion put aside, beginning a relationship with one person while hoping another person becomes available is a recipe for disaster. It sounds like your Protestant friend is the “second choice” who will likely get dumped if the person you still have feelings for wants to begin a relationship with you at some point in the future. That’s not fair to her. And if she’s good friends with your “first choice”…there’s a lot that could go wrong.

I’ve had plenty of relationships with red flags galore which I was tempted to settle for because I wanted to be married. But in the end, I waited it out and trusted in God to send me the right one, and now I am happy and blessed beyond imagination. Remember there are “lots of fish in the sea” and there is most likely someone out there who shares your beliefs. Give yourself the chance to find her.

 

[kptrs]

Yes. You would love this girl to be devout Catholic, and she most likely wants you to convert to her faith.

If you are already seeing potential problems that could arise in your relationship, and even more if you get married, why would you want to spend time living them? I suggest you move on.

Also, if you’re having feelings for another girl, you should really “sort it” before entering any relationship. It isn’t fair to date someone and hope for another to become available.

Lou

 

[Anglewannabe]

So yes it is possible for two Christians of different tradition to make it work together. It requires love, patience and above all the humility to recognize that beyond doctrinal differences, sometimes the non-Catholic spouse can get it very very right, and the Catholic one can be very very wrong (speaking strictly from my perspective; I’m sure she’d say the same).

With all due respect, I think you are missing a key point. You and your wife are more than happy to accept the other ones beliefs without converting them. The OP is NOT looking for a protestant girl he can accept he is looking for a Catholic who sees things his way

Getting back to the OP, no, your way of approaching this girl is very wrong and will only lead to heartache. You need to mature more in your faith and develop enough self-assurance in it so that you focus more on your ongoing conversion and trust God through prayer to lead your partner down the right path.

Again, the key point is being overlooked. As much as the OP needs to trust God is taking care of his wife, he is still looking for a Catholic

 

[Anglewannabe]

Okay. Let’s stop right there. We’re already into a scenario where “it doesn’t matter what religion you are, as long as you mean well” when you’re supporting non-Catholic ministries.

(I’m betting that this “non-denominational” ministry has denominational support somewhere in the background, and I’m also probably pretty safe in thinking it isn’t your local Catholic Diocese.)

.

I learnt the hard way, non-denominational functions are not a good place for a Catholic

 

[OraLabora]

With all due respect, I think you are missing a key point. You and your wife are more than happy to accept the other ones beliefs without converting them. The OP is NOT looking for a protestant girl he can accept he is looking for a Catholic who sees things his way

I wasn’t responding to the OP but to 1ke’s comment about the suitability of a Protestant as a spouse, that required that the other party be non-practicing. This is manifestly not true.

Again, the key point is being overlooked. As much as the OP needs to trust God is taking care of his wife, he is still looking for a Catholic

I don’t think I missed the point. I suggested that his approach is wrong if his interest is this particular person. I agree if he wants a Catholic he should look for a Catholic, and not hope to convert a non-Catholic. If it’s truly this particular person he wants, he needs to accept her as she is.

 

[EasterJoy]

You can’t.

No. In fact it is extremely unwise.

Absolutely. Moreover it is disrespectful of her-- I like you but you need fixing.

Yes, and this is why it is unwise to date non-Catholics.

My advice is don’t go there.

You can read the thousands of heartbreaking posts on CAF that discuss this situation.

I concur, and I am married to a prince of a non-Catholic. I’d marry him all over again, but there have been trials for both of us that most of us would rather be spared. Don’t go out looking for that!

 

[Anglewannabe]

I wasn’t responding to the OP but to 1ke’s comment about the suitability of a Protestant as a spouse, that required that the other party be non-practicing. This is manifestly not true.

I don’t think I missed the point. I suggested that his approach is wrong if his interest is this particular person. I agree if he wants a Catholic he should look for a Catholic, and not hope to convert a non-Catholic. If it’s truly this particular person he wants, he needs to accept her as she is.

oh, I didn’t realize that. Thanks for explaining. Yes, I agree a Catholic can be happily married to a protestant practicing a different faith but ONLY if they can HONESTLY respect and accept the other person’s opinion.

 

[punisherthunder]

My suggestion is let her accompany you to a Mass, particularly a cathedral or basilica if one is nearby.

When I was dating my wife, she was Baptist and invited me to church with her parents. I’ll never forget going in this certain church and while they were chatting before service, I sat down in a pew and my then girlfriend, came over quickly and told me I had to move because certain people “prefer” to sit in certain pews. I just couldn’t believe all that. Fast forward, she visits my Church and is blown away by how “godly and majestic” it felt. She fell completely inlove with the ritual (and me ) and her experiencing a Mass firsthand helped to pique her interest and let her curiousity be furthered.