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Jennie_143
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I would like to know what the Catholic Church says about this topic, if it is even acceptable. Should I just strictly avoid even dating this man because of his situation?
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1ke
Guest
Jennie 143:
Becoming emotionally involved with someone who is not free to marry is unwise.
He should discuss his situation with a priest and begin the process of obtaining an annulment. You should refrain from a serious relationship until such time as he is free to be in a relationship that can lead to marriage.
You should also seriously examine what led to the divorces.
If he does not have a decree of nullity for his prior marriages, then he is not free to enter into marriage with you.
Becoming emotionally involved with someone who is not free to marry is unwise.
He should discuss his situation with a priest and begin the process of obtaining an annulment. You should refrain from a serious relationship until such time as he is free to be in a relationship that can lead to marriage.
You should also seriously examine what led to the divorces.
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vern_humphrey
Guest
Remember the motto of the Knights of the Roundtable, “Never rescue a maiden who owns a dragon ranch.”
That goes for men, too.http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon12.gif
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Elizabeth_B
Guest
Jennie 143:
I’m not sure how you define dating. If it is simply two adults enjoying companionship with no romantic aspirations, then I don’t immediatley see an issue. If you are considering him as a future husband, then I recommend you work out his marital status first. If he is ineligible to be married in the Church you should probably move on.
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jrabs
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This is very wise advice. If he is not annulled, then he is not really free to even date because he is still someone’s husband.
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Trelow
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Elizabeth B.:
Good luck finding two adults enjoying companionship with no romantic aspirations. Sooner or later someone gets an inkling. The flesh can get mighty unruly.
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Elizabeth_B
Guest
I agree with you. However, I work with teenagers at my parish and I often find out that we are divided by a common language. To me, “dating” presupposes an early commitment to romantic aspirations. I’ve had some kids tell me it can be “just friends”. Having been a teenage girl once (and after that a single young woman for a while) I understand that some of my biggest crushes were on “just friends”. (Sorry to get off topic)
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wcknight
Guest
There has got to be better options available to you. IF a man selects and leaves his wife twice before, odds are very high that the first time something goes wrong in a third marriage, he will cut and run again. Don’t do it !
You have to ask yourself what is messed up with this guy that two other women could not stand to continue living with him ? Marriage and divorce are two way streets, it takes two to tangle, and odds are this guy was just as much at fault with the break ups as the wives were. He may have some legitimate excuses for parting company, BUT he had something to do with the break ups also. Most likely you are only hearing one side of the story, his, and it is a very very biased view at best. He has every reason in the world to hide what really went worng and absolulely no reason wahtsoever to tell you what really went wrong.
There are too many fish in the sea to hang your hat on a two time loser. Don’t let your hormones get the better of you. Find someone who is willing to make a permanent committment with one woman for life and stick to him. You don’t need someone elses castoffs. IF two other women couldn’t make it with him long term before, what makes you think he will stick for you.
Dating this guy is a waste of time, and can only get you into a big mess that you won’t be able to get out of later. Just think IF you happen to fall in love with this creep. You may ened up wanting to marry him. Then what ?
Marriage is forever, this guy obviously thinks it okay to cut and run. Even once divorced is taking a big chance, twice is just asking for big time trouble. Life is too short to ruin it on a long shot, and this is a really really long stretch. The chance of making with him are slim and none and I’d be betting on the none, 99 times out of 100.
Date some single guy not someone elses castoff.
wc
You have to ask yourself what is messed up with this guy that two other women could not stand to continue living with him ? Marriage and divorce are two way streets, it takes two to tangle, and odds are this guy was just as much at fault with the break ups as the wives were. He may have some legitimate excuses for parting company, BUT he had something to do with the break ups also. Most likely you are only hearing one side of the story, his, and it is a very very biased view at best. He has every reason in the world to hide what really went worng and absolulely no reason wahtsoever to tell you what really went wrong.
There are too many fish in the sea to hang your hat on a two time loser. Don’t let your hormones get the better of you. Find someone who is willing to make a permanent committment with one woman for life and stick to him. You don’t need someone elses castoffs. IF two other women couldn’t make it with him long term before, what makes you think he will stick for you.
Dating this guy is a waste of time, and can only get you into a big mess that you won’t be able to get out of later. Just think IF you happen to fall in love with this creep. You may ened up wanting to marry him. Then what ?
Marriage is forever, this guy obviously thinks it okay to cut and run. Even once divorced is taking a big chance, twice is just asking for big time trouble. Life is too short to ruin it on a long shot, and this is a really really long stretch. The chance of making with him are slim and none and I’d be betting on the none, 99 times out of 100.
Date some single guy not someone elses castoff.
wc
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chevalier
Guest
Dating someone you can’t marry is pointless. Friendly hanging out is not dating. However, if you romantically interested in someone, is it ever possibly to stick to just friends? I don’t know. Should he reciprocate the romantic feelings, the situation is only going to get worse. I don’t think I could handle that myself.
Here is the problem: for you to know if you can marry him, he needs to have both his attempts at marriage declared null and void if he’s baptised (only sacramental marriage can’t be dissolved). But you aren’t really going to ask him such things early in the dating period.
Most likely, he doesn’t have those declarations of nullity (the Church can’t annul a marriage, she can only declare it null and void since the beginning if applicable at all). Asking him to obtain those is going to be even tougher than asking him if had them. I doubt he would do that for a new date. But if you get more and more involved with him and then one of his marriages proves valid, you’ll be in a great trouble.
But even if his marriages are invalid or dissoluble from the point of view of the Church, what about two broken civil marriages? Mathematically, there’s only 25% chance that both divorces were at the wife’s fault (50% for each, 25% for both). Are you sure you want to make it 12.5% for a fourth woman?
Here is the problem: for you to know if you can marry him, he needs to have both his attempts at marriage declared null and void if he’s baptised (only sacramental marriage can’t be dissolved). But you aren’t really going to ask him such things early in the dating period.
Most likely, he doesn’t have those declarations of nullity (the Church can’t annul a marriage, she can only declare it null and void since the beginning if applicable at all). Asking him to obtain those is going to be even tougher than asking him if had them. I doubt he would do that for a new date. But if you get more and more involved with him and then one of his marriages proves valid, you’ll be in a great trouble.
But even if his marriages are invalid or dissoluble from the point of view of the Church, what about two broken civil marriages? Mathematically, there’s only 25% chance that both divorces were at the wife’s fault (50% for each, 25% for both). Are you sure you want to make it 12.5% for a fourth woman?
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jrabs
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OH MY GOSH! What an uncharitable post! You could have managed to do without the name calling of this man.
Castoff’s? Divorced people are castoffs? WOW! I am divorced and certainly hoping I am NOT considered a castoff! And dating someone who has even been divorced once is taking a big chance? Am I hearing you correctly? What kind of short sided opinion is that?
Now it is great advice for her to consider the reasons behind the divorces and I do think there is a huge risk for this woman, but I think YOU are WAY off base in lumping the whole divorced population into this very inappropriate post.
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maendem
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Amen! Never mind the moral issues if the practical ones are so blatant. Why are you selling yourself so short? Surely you deserve something better.
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Tantum_ergo
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:clapping: :clapping: :clapping:
Thanks, jrabs!
Yeah, this “castoff” was a bit miffed reading the post as well.
And (to the OP of the quote) it’s “two to tango”. . .although the “two to tangle” has a weirdly appropriate kick, too. . .
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Rhoni10
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:clapping:
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Jennie_143
Guest
I understand that marriage is sacred, but what now, what I would like to know is how much of someone else’s past is completely forgivable through the Catholic Church? Through Christ, I have learned forgiveness, and it breaks my heart to have to shun someone away and give a chance because of his previous mistakes. Through Christ, I have learned to “eat with sinners and tax collectors.” This means inviting all to the table of Christ. So why desregard his chance? Of course, he is most likely to make the same mistake again more so than a single man. He is a lot more older than me, and we have not began anything, but before a situation arises, I just want to be sure I’m safe before I get my feet wet.
Just a note, dating defined for me means courting. i.e. dinners, movies, etc. Nothing too serious. I’m a young girl in my 20’s just starting out, and I appreciate all the help and advice you all have been giving me on a Catholic opinion.
Just a note, dating defined for me means courting. i.e. dinners, movies, etc. Nothing too serious. I’m a young girl in my 20’s just starting out, and I appreciate all the help and advice you all have been giving me on a Catholic opinion.
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Bruised_Reed
Guest
A couple of things - for many courtship is a precursor to marriage; so it is serious. What you describe (movies, dinners) could be considered non-serious dating activities. If there is a romantic component to your relationship, it is dating.
Now, as far as one’s past - anything that is repented of can be forgiven. But previous marriage without benefit of a declaration of nullity is an impediment to marriage.
Do you know why his marriages failed? Red flag if it’s the women’s fault and not his.
Finally, HUGE red flag that you are in your early twenties and he’s much older. That, in and of itself is not a bad thing but it’s just one more strike against the 2 of you dating.
ETA - If you would like to “show him the forgiveness of Christ” or whatever, invite him to a function where you know some solid Catholic men that would befriend him.
Now, as far as one’s past - anything that is repented of can be forgiven. But previous marriage without benefit of a declaration of nullity is an impediment to marriage.
Do you know why his marriages failed? Red flag if it’s the women’s fault and not his.
Deciding not to date someone because they are not ready for a sacremental marriage or inelligable for one is NOT shunning someone. Dating is a VERY poor place to try to evangelize the unchurched.
Finally, HUGE red flag that you are in your early twenties and he’s much older. That, in and of itself is not a bad thing but it’s just one more strike against the 2 of you dating.
ETA - If you would like to “show him the forgiveness of Christ” or whatever, invite him to a function where you know some solid Catholic men that would befriend him.
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chevalier
Guest
I don’t find the chance high that a man after two divorces should take a 20 year old girl seriously. He’s been through two failed marriages. He’s been there, done that. What is a lot for you, may be a blink for him. Judging by experience with people, it doesn’t strike me as a good idea, really. Perhaps he’s an exception, but it would be a daring assumption. Some men are exploited by women, some are just unlucky and they could possibly end up twice divorced through no fault of their own. But don’t let us make a general rule out of exceptions. I’m not judging him but warning you, so long as you are willing to listen to my rambling.
By the way, movies and dinners are not even dating if there’s no obvious romantic component.
By the way, movies and dinners are not even dating if there’s no obvious romantic component.
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Trelow
Guest
As a man myself I assure you that if he’s much older, you probably have a 90% chance that his intentions aren’t pure. Add to the fact he either picks immoral women or he is himself and I’d say run like hell itself is on your tail, because it may very well be.
Don’t forget that most men who abuse / use women are the most charming men you will ever meet. Satan doesn’t come to your door in a red suit with a pitchfork.
Don’t forget that most men who abuse / use women are the most charming men you will ever meet. Satan doesn’t come to your door in a red suit with a pitchfork.
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1ke
Guest
Jennie 143:
Yes, Christian charity demands that this man be treated with kindness and dignity.
However, this is NOT what you asked. You asked if it was OK to date this man. Dating is not the same as Christian charity.
The answer remains NO it is not OK until such time as he is free to date and marry. He is not free until he has a decree of nullity.
It is unwise to develop an emotional attachment to someone who is not free to marry. Eventually you will be faced with a decision to choose between The Faith and this man. You will not be able to have both, unless and until such time as he is free to marry.
This life is fleeting, and your soul is eternal. Do not put yourself in the position to have to decide between the two. Your judgment will be clouded by emotion and you may choose unwisely.
Any sin may be forgiven if the Sacrament of Reconciliation is sought out.
Yes, Christian charity demands that this man be treated with kindness and dignity.
However, this is NOT what you asked. You asked if it was OK to date this man. Dating is not the same as Christian charity.
The answer remains NO it is not OK until such time as he is free to date and marry. He is not free until he has a decree of nullity.
It is unwise to develop an emotional attachment to someone who is not free to marry. Eventually you will be faced with a decision to choose between The Faith and this man. You will not be able to have both, unless and until such time as he is free to marry.
This life is fleeting, and your soul is eternal. Do not put yourself in the position to have to decide between the two. Your judgment will be clouded by emotion and you may choose unwisely.
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wcknight
Guest
Yes, I guess that was quite uncharitable, especially to folks who may have been in an unlucky or abusive marriage the first time. We all make mistakes, and that includes myself, I make a boat load of them.
However, this guy has already made TWO. You would think the second time around he would have made a wiser and more deliberate selection. Obviously, he does not think very highly of marriage. IF it were his first mistake, I would say maybe give him a second chance, but twice I would say RUN LIKE HELL.
I suppose my very biased opinion is strongly tainted by a relative of mine who married a divorcee (non-Catholic I might add) who is a real loser with a capital L.
This guy has basically ruined her life. It’s sad, but if she had been much more selective in the first place, she would not be in this situation. She over looked his flaws while dating, when she should have been thinking why did this guys first marriage fail. She bought into the guys excuse that it was the girls fault. Well, it was his fault too, if not more so.
My niece should have thinking, can I live with the same character flaws if he doesn’t change. The same character flaw ruined their marriage as it ruin the guys first. The guy didn’t and couldn’t change, AND IF this guy gets married a third time, he will ruin someone elses life as well.
wc
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wcknight
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“Forgiving someone mistakes” should NOT mean that you should overlook or ignore their weaknesses. Second and third marriages have an even less likelihood chance of succeeding as first marriages.
Marriage for Catholics should be forever. FOlks who go into with on foot half way out the door will bolt with te first sign of trouble. It takes a lot of work and commitment to make a good marriage stick. Someone who has given up twice already has already proven he has no such commitment.
wc
Marriage for Catholics should be forever. FOlks who go into with on foot half way out the door will bolt with te first sign of trouble. It takes a lot of work and commitment to make a good marriage stick. Someone who has given up twice already has already proven he has no such commitment.
wc
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