Dating Acts of Affection - Whats a sin?

[srlimoges]

A guy and girl are dating. Is there a hard rule to determine which acts of affection are a sin and which are OK?

The baseball analogy may illistrate this well - first base, second base…

 

[JRKH]

A guy and girl are dating. Is there a hard rule to determine which acts of affection are a sin and which are OK?

The baseball analogy may illistrate this well - first base, second base…

I’ll probably get flack for this but -
When people ask these kinds of questions, it seems what they are really asking is “How far over the speed limit can I get away with” (to use a different analogy).
Jesus said if you look at woman with lust you have already committed adultery. Same could be said for a girl looking at a guy.

I know of no “hard rules” other than stay away from the genitals. No petting, touching etc. French kissing should be avoided. Basically anything that arouses lust.

This is from a man who has made his share of mistakes in this area when he was younger and paid the price. May God have mercy on a poor sinner.

Peace
James

 

[HNA444]

I think hugging, holding hands, kissing…but not too passionately are OK.

 

[srlimoges]

HNA - to me, those seem OK too. Would that be it?

JRKH - I’m asking the question so I don’t break the law and speed. It’s not worth missing heaven for an easy decision to make. Actually it’s not worth missing heaven for anything. Thanks for replying.

I like your answer - ‘anything that arouses lust’. Everyone is different (maybe an act that causes lust to one person doesn’t cause lust to another) and maybe that should be discussed during the relationship…to know each other.

Thoughts?

 

[HNA444]

Yea, that would be it. But, anything could cause someone to lust. Looking at someone thinking they r attractive is lust, isn’t it? So, would that be a sin??

 

[Ross09]

This is a good website that answers a lot of these kinds of questions: www.chastity.com
For “how far is too far”, see : chastity.com/node/51

If you have a Catholic store near you, I strongly recommend anything by Christopher West, Gregory Popcak, and Jason Evert. I think you can find their books at catholic.com’s online store as well.

 

[beckers]

HNA - to me, those seem OK too. Would that be it?

JRKH - I’m asking the question so I don’t break the law and speed. It’s not worth missing heaven for an easy decision to make. Actually it’s not worth missing heaven for anything. Thanks for replying.

I like your answer - ‘anything that arouses lust’. Everyone is different (maybe an act that causes lust to one person doesn’t cause lust to another) and maybe that should be discussed during the relationship…to know each other.

Thoughts?

Yes it should be discussed at the start of the relationship. You should know each other well enough to know how they interact with people on a certain level (like are they a touchy feely person or do they hug people a lot) and how you want to proceed within your relationship.

My BF of 5 months and I had sex talks very early on. Like the frist week or acutally before we started dating! But we are like minded catholics so we had no problem discussing theology of the body and the the problems we see in the over sexed world. I even mentioned that my parents had a beach house and we could go down. I was thinking like for the day but his first reaction was sounds like fun but we couldn’t be down there alone. Doesn’t matter that we know our limits we just don’t want to put temptation any where. Finding a catholic match who understands what dating is about is a big plus!!! PLUS talking about it up front gets the pressure off the whole relationship so you can focus on other things like finding out if this person is your future spouse. Just remember to keep your relationship private because other people/society won’t understand your decisions to live chastely. They will think your an odd duck.

About the only affection we give each other is hugs and holding hands and quick little pecks on the cheek. Its more than enough for me because i have had the relationship were kissing was the norm. It was so dangerous!!! I have also known so many couples who were big into frenching and stuff and had to stop beause of the arousal issue especially when they were engaged.

As for bases, i would suggest just staying in the bullpen. Seriously because i dont know what the bases are anymore. In my day (and i am in my late 20’s). First was kissing on the lips, second was frenching, third was petting and foreplay and home was full blown sex but who knows anymore!

 

[johnXXIII]

When Jesus lives in your heart and the heart of your girl-friend, your respect for her and your own self-respect will control your life together before marriage. When we were engaged, we went to the Missions together and there are a lot of them in California. We met early and went to Mass together. We prayed together. We didn’t want to be an occasion of sin for each other. We may have french kissed before we were married, but that was the extent of our passion.
Respect Jesus and Mary living in you, always, even after you are married,

 

[JRKH]

Yea, that would be it. But, anything could cause someone to lust. Looking at someone thinking they r attractive is lust, isn’t it? So, would that be a sin??

Lust can depend on a persons natural tendancies, but generally speaking finding someone attractive is probably not the same as lust. It might depend on what youfind attractive about that person.
A person who dresses modestly and acts in a virtuous manner and “beams” the love of Christ in their heart, will certainly be attractive to another of the same sort.
A person who dresses immodestly and acts in a crude and suggestive manner and “beams” the love of self will be attractive to another or that sort.

Of course this is a bit oversimplified and attraction is a complex thing, but my point is to work on being the first example and you will soon find the second example far less attractive.

Peace
James

 

[tjm190]

I believe one only commits sin if one engages in premarital sex- outside of that however, it would be unwise to put oneself in a position where sin is very probable.

 

[Ross09]

I believe one only commits sin if one engages in premarital sex- outside of that however, it would be unwise to put oneself in a position where sin is very probable.

Then you are ignoring lust.

 

[tjm190]

Then you are ignoring lust.

Lust is an emotion- it’s not a sin to “feel” lust and more than it is a sin to “feel” anger. However, allowing these things to impact how you look at other people to a large extent is a problem.

 

[bilop]

Lust is an emotion- it’s not a sin to “feel” lust and more than it is a sin to “feel” anger. However, allowing these things to impact how you look at other people to a large extent is a problem.

Yes, it is a sin to feel lust. But, lust is not just viewing a person as attractive or even sexy. It is a disordered view of the person as a mere object to gratify your desires, not as a creature of God.

God Bless

 

[JRKH]

Lust is an emotion- it’s not a sin to “feel” lust and more than it is a sin to “feel” anger. However, allowing these things to impact how you look at other people to a large extent is a problem.

I disagree. While it is very difficult to overcome these “feelings” and reactions, one cannot deny that Christ taught agianst them.
If we become angry we are liable to judgement
If we look at a woman iwth Lust we are already guilty of sin.

I will grant that there are times whe we imperfect creatures have these feelings but we must squash them as quickly as we are able.

Be Perfect as Your Heavenly Father is Perfect.

I know these are slippery areas, but better to recognize the dangers in shallow water than to drown before you realize your in too deep.

Peace
James

 

[tjm190]

Yes, it is a sin to feel lust. But, lust is not just viewing a person as attractive or even sexy. It is a disordered view of the person as a mere object to gratify your desires, not as a creature of God.

God Bless

Lust is an emotion that is often associated with the desire for sexual pleasure, just like anger is an emotion often associated with the desire for physical harm. You can’t control what you feel, but you can make sure not to allow it to affect your view of others. Is it a sin to fantasize about fulfilling your anger? Yes. Your lust? Yes.

 

[Ross09]

Lust is an emotion- it’s not a sin to “feel” lust and more than it is a sin to “feel” anger. However, allowing these things to impact how you look at other people to a large extent is a problem.

Lust most certainly is a sin, and it goes far beyond a feeling. Having a strong attraction to someone is not the same as lust. I think you need to research the seven deadly sins a little bit more, especially what Jesus has to say about lust.

 

[Ross09]

Lust is an emotion that is often associated with the desire for sexual pleasure, just like anger is an emotion often associated with the desire for physical harm. You can’t control what you feel, but you can make sure not to allow it to affect your view of others. Is it a sin to fantasize about fulfilling your anger? Yes. Your lust? Yes.

I think you are working with an inadequate definition of lust. The way you use the word, it sounds like lust is an every day feeling we all have and is just part of being human. You know: happy, sad, frustrated, irritated, joyful, LUST. Lust is on another level.

 

[tjm190]

I think you are working with an inadequate definition of lust. The way you use the word, it sounds like lust is an every day feeling we all have and is just part of being human. You know: happy, sad, frustrated, irritated, joyful, LUST. Lust is on another level.

Then the argument that condemns “making out” and the like is a bait and switch- a “natural” version of lust (attraction) is a part of the “heavier” sexual activities, but this is not the disordered “lust” that strongly distorts your view of another person.

 

[Ross09]

Lust is not the same as attraction!

 

[tjm190]

Lust is not the same as attraction!

Then the argument that “making out” and such is bad due to the connection to lust is false