Dating advice and how to let someone go

[Anniegirl]

I had a boyfriend for about six months. We got along well, wanted the same things in life, and he was important in my conversion to Catholicism. We broke up because he wanted to become a priest last summer. When he didn’t go to seminary, we started seeing each other again for a few weeks, but then broke up for good by mutual agreement, and decided to remain friends. He was my sponsor when I was confirmed this Easter.

Now, he is about go to seminary again, and I am so upset about it, really much more upset than I should be. I think in my heart I always thought that we would eventually be together, and I can’t give up that thought. I want to let him go and be happy for him, but I can’t do it. Every time I see him I end up in tears, and I know that it makes him upset and maybe resentful. I’m really not sure what to do. How do I move on? Why do I feel so attached? He was always clear that he was thinking of becoming a priest and never did anything to lead me on. I feel dependent on him because I’m lonely and I don’t have anyone else to go out with.

I think this is also a recurring pattern in my relationships. They seem unhealthy because I get too attached. What makes a good dating relationship? How can I ‘let someone go’ when I see that things aren’t going to work out? I want very much to be married, but I feel like I am somehow not emotionally mature enough for it, even though I am 25. How do I become someone who can be a good spouse?

 

[whatevergirl]

I had a boyfriend for about six months. We got along well, wanted the same things in life, and he was important in my conversion to Catholicism. We broke up because he wanted to become a priest last summer. When he didn’t go to seminary, we started seeing each other again for a few weeks, but then broke up for good by mutual agreement, and decided to remain friends. He was my sponsor when I was confirmed this Easter.

Now, he is about go to seminary again, and I am so upset about it, really much more upset than I should be. I think in my heart I always thought that we would eventually be together, and I can’t give up that thought. I want to let him go and be happy for him, but I can’t do it. Every time I see him I end up in tears, and I know that it makes him upset and maybe resentful. I’m really not sure what to do. How do I move on? Why do I feel so attached? He was always clear that he was thinking of becoming a priest and never did anything to lead me on. I feel dependent on him because I’m lonely and I don’t have anyone else to go out with.

I think this is also a recurring pattern in my relationships. They seem unhealthy because I get too attached. What makes a good dating relationship? How can I ‘let someone go’ when I see that things aren’t going to work out? I want very much to be married, but I feel like I am somehow not emotionally mature enough for it, even though I am 25. How do I become someone who can be a good spouse?

Hi Annie…I’m sorry you’re feeling down about this. Break ups can be very hard. Sometimes, feelings of attachment stem from how we interacted with those who took care of us as children. My dad died when I was 9…and so, when I entered into relationships, I became very cautious (years later) to getting attached–fear of loss controlled my thinking. I eventually sought out counseling, and prayed to God to heal this ‘affliction,’ and He did! I think that if you are experiencing this type of attached feeling in a lot of relationships with men, then maybe it’s time to reflect back on how you interacted with your dad…was he around? Was he distant? Did he tell you he loved you? Did he praise you, and comfort you? If everything was peachy as a kid, then maybe you have fear of loss over something else…but, much of how we interact in relationships with the opposite sex, often stems from how we learned to cope with things, at an early age.

You’re in my prayers…I think through prayer, and deep self reflection, you’ll become stronger, and more confident with who you are–and not look to men to make you feel complete.But, spend some time reflecting…don’t sweep your feelings under the rug…I’m glad you posted here, and hopefully I’ve helped a bit.

I look forward to what others have to say, too.

PS: As it relates to this specific person you post about…maybe spend less time with him, until you feel better about things. He is trying to do what God’s called him to do, and maybe spending too much time with him, is dredging up feelings for him over and over…I’d distance myself a bit, be friends…but allow him to pursue his calling…your tears will dry up…time really does heal all wounds. I promise! (((hugs)))

 

[monicatholic]

I feel dependent on him because I’m lonely and I don’t have anyone else to go out with.

I think this is also a recurring pattern in my relationships. They seem unhealthy because I get too attached. What makes a good dating relationship?

Hi Annie. I’m sorry for your sadness, too. But I’m so happy you’ve entered the Church!

Mother Theresa said that God puts people in our lives so that we can do something for them. The Fellow was put into your life to help you come closer to the fullness of God’s Truth, found in the Catholic Church. Annie, that’s so important to remember. Even if Fellow can do nothing else for you, he’s done so much. And you’ve been a friend while he’s discerned a calling. That’s a lot too.

But you’re having a hard time accepting that God’s plan doesn’t include more of Fellow. You’re having a hard time accepting the Fellow has a calling to a religious life. Annie, stop crying. That’s God’s business with him, now.

What is God’s business with you? Clearly, it’s already begun. He’s brought you Home to the Church. Within the context of a sacramental life, He’s brought you to a place of painful self-inspection: why so needy? why so clingy?

All of our needs, Annie, begin and end in God.

You want to be a better potential partner? You want to be less attached and dependent? Turn your energies and attention to God. Grow in your relationship with Him. Be attached and dependent on Him. Be more available to His people. Give. give. give. Work on friendships with others-- real friendships in which you bring something instead of take something.

Ask God to direct you to learn your gifts. Engage your gifts. Develop your passions. Bring your passions to the service of others.

This will take time. Don’t put God on a schedule. Let Him nurture you in holiness. Develop a loving relationship with His Mother.

All will be well, Annie, because you’ll become the woman God intends for you to be.

 

[Harmony1988]

Annie, it doesn’t sound like it has been a long time since this relationship broke up, so I think things are looking really good for you in the future, because it would be normal that you feel like this, infact you should be more worried if you didn’t feel that way at first, especially if it’s someone you were very attached to.

The best way I can think of that would help you move on is by praying for his success in the seminary. I will pray for you.

Good luck girl.

 

[chevalier]

Annie, the fact he’s the only sensible person to go out with at the moment doesn’t mean he must be the only one person you could possibly get along with. You need to meet people and prevent yourself from being alone and without company. Things will get better as years pass, but if you care for someone, it’s only natural that you’ll feel pain for some time. Sometimes a longer time. Just don’t give up. Enjoy your life. There’s a lot of great things to do and not all of them involve a guy. There are always problems, no matter what state you’re in, if you have someone or not. You will not eliminate problems by focusing on them, but you can outweigh the problems with what good things you experience in life - and you can experience those only if you spend some time and attention on those things rather than the problems. Cheer up.

 

[os_justi]

If you truly love someone, you want what’s best for them – even if what’s best for them isn’t you; you also have to do what’s best for YOU, and you have to consider that perhaps God doesn’t intend for you to spend the rest of your life with this person. Letting go of someone you care about is really, really hard, and doesn’t happen overnight (it took five years to get over my last broken heart); it’s a growing and learning experience for you.

As for what makes a good spouse, not being married I couldn’t exactly tell you. =) I do know it starts with COMPLETE honesty. Nothing held back, even if it hurts. That goes for being honest with yourself, as well.

Going back to that five-years-to-get-over-him thing in my own past: I had a hard time seeing or talking to him for a long time, especially when I knew he was dating other people, so I took the drastic step of cutting him out of my life completely. I didn’t see or talk to him for two and a half years, until I was completely over him, because I knew it was detrimental to my own emotional health to keep holding on like that. Now, he’s one of my closest friends. Go figure. =)

 

[Anniegirl]

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted here. You have all been so helpful. God bless.

 

[DL82]

It’s difficult to let go. Ultimately, you must though. If you truly love another person, that means loving and respecting and enabling their freedom, even if it’s a freedom not to choose you. That’s the love of a post-relationship friendship that is so difficult to take, believe me, I still find it hard and it’s nearly a year since I left my ex.

At the same time, you need to acknowledge that what you need from a relationship is different from what your ex gave you. While it’s wonderful that he helped you find the Catholic Church, it sounds like his love was more an evangelical love, that’s a good love for a future priest to have, but not a good love for a future husband. Again, I can relate. When you find the right man for you, he will have that love that sees the good of your soul first and foremost, but he will also have a love for you for your own sake, and as a good for his own soul. You must keep holding out and hoping for that.

Love and blessings