Dating advice for young women from a man

[whatevergirl]

Anyone know that book, Everything I Learned, I Learned in Kindergarten? Something like that, not sure if that is the exact title. But, really. Be nice to others, share, be considerate of other’s feelings…etc. 6 year olds know this…why as we grow older, and become adults, are people so mean to each other…not just in dating, but in business, and in other facets of life? The reason some of you are hurting, is because you were nice to someone, and he/she was not to you. (she, since Chev you are male) That’s it, really. It’s as simple as that…and that does hurt! It hurts when I am nice to people at work, and they’re not nice back, or out in the world…or in other social arenas. I know it must hurt to be so kind to someone that you’re attempting to pursue for love, and she doesn’t reciprocate. I think that we’d be wise to just remembering what we were taught as kids…it’s so easy, a 6 yr old knows how to do it! You’re in my prayers…everyone here who is struggling in the dating scene. Know that God sees all, and He’ll bring about good things for you…be patient.

 

[Rascalking]

Anyone know that book, Everything I Learned, I Learned in Kindergarten? Something like that, not sure if that is the exact title. But, really. Be nice to others, share, be considerate of other’s feelings…

YES!

This sums it up! Don’t over think anything, don’t make lists, just be nice, happy, and trust in the Lord.

It really is that simple. I date often, and I know that alot of people on the forum are just as smart, interesting, and good looking (well, maybe not number 3, I am hot ) as I am, so stop making lists, be happy, and get out there.

 

[CountrySinger]

YES!

This sums it up! Don’t over think anything, don’t make lists, just be nice, happy, and trust in the Lord.

It really is that simple. I date often, and I know that alot of people on the forum are just as smart, interesting, and good looking (well, maybe not number 3, I am hot ) as I am, so stop making lists, be happy, and get out there.

And you are modest as well!

To keep on topic, I try to be good woman in the dating world. I try not to appear too excited even though inside I’m thinking “OMG A MAN MIGHT LIKE ME, TIME FOR FREAK OUT. BE COOL AND DON’T SAY HOW MUCH YOU LIKE ELLIOTT YAMIN OR CATS!!!”

And then I usually just laugh really stupidly in front of them. Because that is so sexy. And not even a cute laugh, it’s like “huh huh huh”.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Exactly, RK.

I’m not saying become a serial dater…that’s not wise, but unless you just have fun, and RELAX…you won’t ever know if you have landed upon the ‘‘right’’ one. I mean, unless you want an arranged marriage that requires no dating (doubtful) or you’re psychic and can tell instantaeously upon first glance that you’re going to marry someone ( my husband said this about me, but normally this doesn’t work lol) you have to spend time dating. Dating doesn’t have to be laying every card out on the table on the first date…in fact, from a woman’s point of view, that’s annoying, and no woman wants to feel like you’re on a hunt for a wife and you’re seeing if she’ll fit the bill. It’s good to know WHAT you want, in life…most here who are single, are seeking marriage…and the person you’re intending on dating, yes, that should be the goal, too. But, you can’t know that after 1 or 2 dates…if you think you want to marry someone after the first date, most likely, it’s chemistry talking. Chemistry is great, but it can’t be the only thing. *

 

[chevalier]

Actually, having some defined expectations is good, not bad. Lists are generally restrictive and have the potential for turning out bad, but say, knowing what we’re looking for helps find it. For example, it helps a woman know that she’s looking for a gentleman, not a cad. Having some objective reference, not just relying on one’s own attraction, is helpful. Our feelings alone, let alone attraction, can be misleading if we follow them without referring to the objective value of the person we love or think we love.

 

[djeter]

Apropos of pretty much nothing, I offer this rewrite of a Raymond Carver short story titled “What We Talk About When We Talk About Love.” Ray Carver’s classic is on an Esquire list of 75 books that every man (woman) should read.

The emotional landscape of “What We Talk About” involves recording the state of mind of the two couples as they move through a mid-afternoon and early evening talking about all kinds of love — spiritual, carnal, platonic, possessive, brutal, obsessive, unrequited, and even parental, searching for what “real” love is.

Just what do we talk about when we talk about love between human beings today? Does the word mean what it has always meant, or is there something about late 20th century life that has radically altered its meaning?

More here:

payingattentiontothesky.com/what-we-talk-about-when-we-talk-about-love/

You might say this is the alternate reality to a relationship rooted in Catholicism.

dj

 

[phil8888]

Here’s a post I’m pasting from a different thread to avoid going off-topic again. The discussion concerned a woman acting not very interested, as in not returning calls, always being busy etc. This is path to disaster, although it may not be visible to you just yet.

Just as I told my poor friend less than 2 hours ago, men will remember how they were treated in the beginning. It will kick back. Starting out not returning calls, not replying, promising to call but not calling etc. and later falling for the guy and expecting him to be fully dedicated and invested is not the way to start a good relationship.

Men will think, “she didn’t want me when I was giving you my everything, now she wants me when I’ve basically started caring less and trying less.” I myself think this way and I’m a lawyer who got his degree for a paper on the benefit of doubt, i.e. explaining all doubts in favour of someone. It’s very hard to get out of this pattern as a man, and in fact, it can be a huge turn-off later in a relationship, reducing the man’s interest or willingness to invest himself in the relationship. It’s possible that my own 1.5 years relationship from a couple of years ago fell apart because of this thing.

As I told my friend, skip the men whom you don’t consider good enough for you, don’t give them opportunity to linger and get you by sheer longevity. But when you do find a guy you see you could be interested in, even if you don’t know just yet, but he’s basically a guy you could like and respect, treat him well, keep your promises, be honest with him. I recommend this as a minimum. For a maximum, I would suggest that you treat all people (male or female) right, being kind, polite, honest and keeping your promises and arrangements (as Christians we should act like this to everybody anyway), but keep your boundaries clear and consistent (no going back and forth–it probably means the relationship isn’t good for any of you anyway).

At any rate,

• don’t ever give a man substandard treatment to test him, for your both sakes because you can’t expect him not to came out scarred from that and you can’t expect him to see you as someone who wouldn’t hurt a fly if you have hurt him,
• don’t start a relationship with someone who apparently was able to survive all the bad treatment you could give him, for your sake–like a broken dog, he will bite back when he regains control of the situation, which happened to my friend (my own interest and respect for a woman also takes a dive when the addictive charm eases down a bit),
• defeat the urge to be attracted and pursue men who treat you badly or ignore you; they are *not *better than you just because they can apparently afford to ignore you and they are not better than men who treat you well or show interest just because they think they don’t have to; my friend learnt this lesson without me and her solution is to avoid even starting a conversation because she knows her weaknesses and she doesn’t want to make mistakes any more (or waste her time on men unworthy of her).

Furthermore, every woman in her right senses, if she wants a man at all, wants a loving husband who will love her and care for her. And so:

• if you pick a man who doesn’t care that much and isn’t all that into you, then you will have a boyfriend and later a husband who doesn’t care that much and isn’t all that into you. He will not stop with all that nonchalance when you ask him to,
• if you look for a man who doesn’t need you, then you won’t be able to blame anyone if you end up being an unneeded wife.

To sum up:

• people are hurt if they are treated badly, it will not go away when we want it to;
• people will not start being good and caring and acting interested when we ask them to;
• people who ignore you or treat you without much regard don’t do this because they’re great people worth having so much that you should pursue them; contrary, they are people who ignore you or treat you without much regard.

I hope at least some of you will benefit from this and avoid making the mistakes I’ve seen so many friends of mine and other women make (and sometimes never fully recover from). If anything seems unclear or hard to believe, just ask and I will explain.

This sounds like female advice, and to males it is false. Men are routinely rejected, and if a girl rejects a guy, he only thinks she’s a better prize. So if she then falls for him, it’s a dream come true.

 

[chevalier]

This sounds like female advice, and to males it is false. Men are routinely rejected, and if a girl rejects a guy, he only thinks she’s a better prize. So if she then falls for him, it’s a dream come true.

I’m sorry, but the title of the thread clearly says “advice for women”, not “advice for men”.

Notwithstanding, I disagree with your opinion on the merits. If a woman rejects me, she doesn’t become a better prize, she becomes someone I think might not be compatible with me and if she changes her mind eventually, then I need to know for sure that she’s not undecided. At any rate, rejection is not attractive, it means compatibility is non-obvious and possibly lacking.

 

[phil8888]

I’m sorry, but the title of the thread clearly says “advice for women”, not “advice for men”.

Notwithstanding, I disagree with your opinion on the merits. If a woman rejects me, she doesn’t become a better prize, she becomes someone I think might not be compatible with me and if she changes her mind eventually, then I need to know for sure that she’s not undecided. At any rate, rejection is not attractive, it means compatibility is non-obvious and possibly lacking.

I disagree

 

[T_Hope]

This sounds like female advice, and to males it is false. Men are routinely rejected, and if a girl rejects a guy, he only thinks she’s a better prize. So if she then falls for him, it’s a dream come true.

… not if she falls too late.

 

[chevalier]

… not if she falls too late.

In which case the man may already be with someone else or may have moved on entirely.

 

[chevalier]

It also matters what we understand as “rejection”. “I’m sorry, my dear friend (if applicable), I don’t have the same feelings for you as you have for me,” (no matter if it’s a woman talking to man or the other way round) is not “rejection” in the same sense as, “Nope, not interested.” Lines about, “not ready right now,” etc. are a different thing too.

Communication is important and there’s much room for creativity that’s being ignored. Let’s just compare the following two examples:

1. “I like you as a friend, I’m glad to have met you and I enjoy spending time with you, but I see you strictly as a friend/acquaintance,” and:
2. “I can say I’m glad to have met you, I enjoy spending time with you, I obviously like you but it’s too early for me to tell at this stage where this will go,” or
3. “I enjoy spending time with you and I think we could make good friends but when it comes to something more, I have doubts because we/I don’t seem to…”

Obviously, complicated emotional situations of life aren’t really the easiest ground for calm, susbantive, expert communication. The point is, it’s a good idea to mind other people’s feelings (not to mention charity does require this). It’s easier to fix gaps in bridges when we haven’t hurt people, “rejected” them as persons, negated their self-value and so on. I suppose everyone could take two simple steps:

1. stop for a while and allow oneself to reflect (instead of following through automatically),
2. think how the other person will feel as a result of what we say.

Those of us who are already hurt will need more encouragement, but it’s important to realise that hurting other people won’t help us, being kind to other people won’t hurt us; yes, someone hurt us in the past and we got no justice, now we’re to be kind to someone despite how someone else hurt us before. Sure, but everyone’s different! The person we’re “rejecting” is not the person who “rejected” *us *before, obviously. Plus, while everyone’s different, by being mean to people we become *similar *to people who were mean to us before. Not a few mean people were hurt by someone in the beginning. Let’s not go down that way!

Alternatively, just tell people how things really are.

 

[Jay82]

1. “I enjoy spending time with you and I think we could make good friends but when it comes to something more, I have doubts because we/I don’t seem to…”

I had a girl use a very similar phrase with me once when things ended after a period of time. She gave good supporting reasons and things went pretty well. We still remain good friends, but nothing more.

 

[Mayita30]

Here’s a post I’m pasting from a different thread to avoid going off-topic again. The discussion concerned a woman acting not very interested, as in not returning calls, always being busy etc. This is path to disaster, although it may not be visible to you just yet.

Just as I told my poor friend less than 2 hours ago, men will remember how they were treated in the beginning. It will kick back. Starting out not returning calls, not replying, promising to call but not calling etc. and later falling for the guy and expecting him to be fully dedicated and invested is not the way to start a good relationship.

Men will think, “she didn’t want me when I was giving you my everything, now she wants me when I’ve basically started caring less and trying less.” I myself think this way and I’m a lawyer who got his degree for a paper on the benefit of doubt, i.e. explaining all doubts in favour of someone. It’s very hard to get out of this pattern as a man, and in fact, it can be a huge turn-off later in a relationship, reducing the man’s interest or willingness to invest himself in the relationship. It’s possible that my own 1.5 years relationship from a couple of years ago fell apart because of this thing.

As I told my friend, skip the men whom you don’t consider good enough for you, don’t give them opportunity to linger and get you by sheer longevity. But when you do find a guy you see you could be interested in, even if you don’t know just yet, but he’s basically a guy you could like and respect, treat him well, keep your promises, be honest with him. I recommend this as a minimum. For a maximum, I would suggest that you treat all people (male or female) right, being kind, polite, honest and keeping your promises and arrangements (as Christians we should act like this to everybody anyway), but keep your boundaries clear and consistent (no going back and forth–it probably means the relationship isn’t good for any of you anyway).

At any rate,

• don’t ever give a man substandard treatment to test him, for your both sakes because you can’t expect him not to came out scarred from that and you can’t expect him to see you as someone who wouldn’t hurt a fly if you have hurt him,
• don’t start a relationship with someone who apparently was able to survive all the bad treatment you could give him, for your sake–like a broken dog, he will bite back when he regains control of the situation, which happened to my friend (my own interest and respect for a woman also takes a dive when the addictive charm eases down a bit),
• defeat the urge to be attracted and pursue men who treat you badly or ignore you; they are *not *better than you just because they can apparently afford to ignore you and they are not better than men who treat you well or show interest just because they think they don’t have to; my friend learnt this lesson without me and her solution is to avoid even starting a conversation because she knows her weaknesses and she doesn’t want to make mistakes any more (or waste her time on men unworthy of her).

Furthermore, every woman in her right senses, if she wants a man at all, wants a loving husband who will love her and care for her. And so:

• if you pick a man who doesn’t care that much and isn’t all that into you, then you will have a boyfriend and later a husband who doesn’t care that much and isn’t all that into you. He will not stop with all that nonchalance when you ask him to,
• if you look for a man who doesn’t need you, then you won’t be able to blame anyone if you end up being an unneeded wife.

To sum up:

• people are hurt if they are treated badly, it will not go away when we want it to;
• people will not start being good and caring and acting interested when we ask them to;
• people who ignore you or treat you without much regard don’t do this because they’re great people worth having so much that you should pursue them; contrary, they are people who ignore you or treat you without much regard.

I hope at least some of you will benefit from this and avoid making the mistakes I’ve seen so many friends of mine and other women make (and sometimes never fully recover from). If anything seems unclear or hard to believe, just ask and I will explain.

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What you have said IS SOOOO TRUEE!!! To all catholic single women give a chance to men WHO SHOW THAT THEY CARE ,LOVE AND NEED YOU… don’t pursue men , let men pursue you and give these good guys a chance to prove thier worth!!!

 

[chevalier]

I had a girl use a very similar phrase with me once when things ended after a period of time. She gave good supporting reasons and things went pretty well. We still remain good friends, but nothing more.

Yeah, with supporting reasons it’s easier to keep a normal relationship as friends or something else. There’s no off-hand or high-handed “rejection”, there’s a substantiated decision made for some reasons. It makes life easier and it probably leaves much less damage to fix in case something romantic actually does come out of it in the future.

 

[chevalier]

====================================================

What you have said IS SOOOO TRUEE!!! To all catholic single women give a chance to men WHO SHOW THAT THEY CARE ,LOVE AND NEED YOU… don’t pursue men , let men pursue you and give these good guys a chance to prove thier worth!!!

Yup. As humans living in our current situation, which gives us some issues before we reach adult years (broken up families, poor examples at school, failed relationships etc.), we can react in strange ways when someone indicates that he loves us and needs us, for example we can react with anger. And that’s not a good reaction! It’s important to realise that while our emotions can react in various stupid ways, we are the masters of them, say, a girl is is annoyed with her best friend over a boyfriend but won’t send her packing because friends are important, a man gets angry because of a lame joke someone plays at him, but he thinks he’s too grown up to go to fists over that and so on. Same with relationships. If we want to act like adults, we can act like adults.