Dating Advice regarding Agnostics?

[cmhllama]

I’m a practicing Catholic and am dabbling in the world of online dating. I’ve just started hanging out with a man I was exchanging messages with for a couple weeks, and we are starting out as “just friends” for now with the possibility of being more than friends later on (both of us believe in taking things slow). So far, I have a positive first impression of him, but he’s Agnostic. We haven’t started talking in depth about our spirituality/philosophy (we have been keeping the conversation light), but he knows I go to Mass. He went to “strict” Catholic schools for elementary school and I think his family is Catholic.

I’m wondering if anyone out has had experience with dating an Agnostic person and what advice you have to offer? Did it work out? If so, why? If your relationship didn’t work, why not? We just met, so I’m not planning my wedding. We might just remain friends.

For the record, neither one of us will be having kids, ever. We met on a website made specifically for singles who don’t want kids, actually. I’m not here to talk about why we don’t want kids or defend my position. However most other forums I’ve checked out regarding this topic usually focus on what to do about the kids, but that issue is irrelevant for me and therefore, I don’t need advice on that .

 

[Catholic1954]

He is probably less agnostic and more disgruntled ex-Catholic. It would depend on if he was ok with you going to Mass regularly and just not wanting to go with you, or if he thinks no one should go to Mass and would object if you went on your own anyway. There is probably some bad expirence in his Catholic background that led him away from the Church; your good example could bring him back, just don’t let HIS bad example lead you away.

 

[kib]

I am currently dating an agnostic. If this doesn’t work out, I will never, ever date a non Catholic again. For me, it has been very difficult to be Catholic (or even Christian, really) for two. I would say it depends on how serious you are about living your life for Christ as a member of His one and only church. Many Non Catholics don’t understand the church and most ex- Catholics hate everything about her. It makes it very difficult sometimes. The worst part is that we don’t pray together, we don’t read the same books, and most of all, she doesn’t care to talk about Jesus or my faith with me. It is a lonely, lonely way to live.

Just to clarify, my girlfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years and are both in our early 20’s.

 

[cmhllama]

The worst part is that we don’t pray together, we don’t read the same books, and most of all, she doesn’t care to talk about Jesus or my faith with me. It is a lonely, lonely way to live.
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That is one of my concerns, something that could be a problem. However, I have a lot of Catholic friends (and non-Catholic friends, btw). Also, I’m a member of a couple young adult groups (one of which is a faith sharing group). I now have a “church buddy” and a parish that is like a family: everybody greets everybody before Mass starts! So I do have a Catholic support system.

But I don’t know if the fact that the person I’m dating doesn’t practice Catholicism will be a problem…

 

[cmhllama]

your good example could bring him back, just don’t let HIS bad example lead you away.

Aww, thank you. I hope my example, my life helps people come back to the faith, though I’m not the type to consciously try to convert anyone. I do have friends who are Atheist and Agnostic, but they haven’t lead me astray. We don’t try to convert each other to our respective belief systems.

 

[agapewolf]

The purpose of marriage is to get your spouse to heaven and to raise a family to get them to heaven. If this man is agnostic, how can you submit to him as spiritual head of your household and trust that your soul is safe with him?

A marriage entered into without being open to children is invalid. This is a very basic part of marriage and is one of the statement of intentions in the vows.

 

[chevalier]

Yes, when you exclude children, the marriage is invalid. For this reason, I will not offer you any dating advice regarding this issue.

 

[1ke]

I’m a practicing Catholic and am dabbling in the world of online dating. I’ve just started hanging out with a man I was exchanging messages with for a couple weeks, and we are starting out as “just friends” for now with the possibility of being more than friends later on (both of us believe in taking things slow). So far, I have a positive first impression of him, but he’s Agnostic. We haven’t started talking in depth about our spirituality/philosophy (we have been keeping the conversation light), but he knows I go to Mass. He went to “strict” Catholic schools for elementary school and I think his family is Catholic.

If you want to marry someone who shares your faith, then I suggest you go to Catholic dating sites not secular ones.

I’m wondering if anyone out has had experience with dating an Agnostic person and what advice you have to offer? Did it work out? If so, why? If your relationship didn’t work, why not?

This is a bad idea. Going into a dating relationship with someone whose belief system is so diametrically opposed to yours isn’t smart. It will be a lonely life of going to Mass by yourself, defending your beliefs, and containing the practice of your faith in your own home. There are many, many people who will tell you “it can work.” But it always comes at a price when you do not share the same faith, and the same practice of that faith.

We just met, so I’m not planning my wedding. We might just remain friends.

The purpose of dating is discernment of marriage. If you remain “just friends” that is OK, but it seems to me the purpose of going to an online service is to find a spouse. Although on a lot of secular sites it is to find a “hook up.” So, not everyone dates for the purpose of discerning marriage. But that should be a Catholic’s priority in dating. And, if you find “deal breakers” that should be your cue to move on.

For the record, neither one of us will be having kids, ever. We met on a website made specifically for singles who don’t want kids, actually. I’m not here to talk about why we don’t want kids or defend my position. However most other forums I’ve checked out regarding this topic usually focus on what to do about the kids, but that issue is irrelevant for me and therefore, I don’t need advice on that .

A permanent intention against children is an impediment to a valid marriage in the Catholic Church. You need to talk to a priest. Truly, it’s an impediment and invalidates an attempt at marriage.

Also, just because you don’t intend to have children doesn’t mean that you won’t. Many people get pregnant “accidentally.” Unless you are beyond child bearing years or you sterilize yourself (a mortal sin) or he does, there is always that possibility. So, yes, you do need to consider children. And, of course, there is the matter of using natural family planning-- sterilization and contraception are morally unacceptable, what is his view on this?

 

[cmhllama]

The purpose of marriage is to get your spouse to heaven and to raise a family to get them to heaven. If this man is agnostic, how can you submit to him as spiritual head of your household and trust that your soul is safe with him?

A marriage entered into without being open to children is invalid. This is a very basic part of marriage and is one of the statement of intentions in the vows.

As I said, we just met, so I’m not planning my wedding. I’m looking for advice from people who have actually been in a relationship with an Agnostic.

 

[cmhllama]

Yes, when you exclude children, the marriage is invalid. For this reason, I will not offer you any dating advice regarding this issue.

Well thanks for nothing.

 

[cmhllama]

If you want to marry someone who shares your faith, then I suggest you go to Catholic dating sites not secular ones.

Yeah, well, that didn’t work. All the good Catholic boys want a litter of kids. I’ve lifted the “must be Catholic” requirement for dating.

 

[whm]

Invite him to come to Mass with you. If he is willing to attend, it shows that he respects your beliefs and that he may be open conversion. If it becomes clear that he will not attend, I would not pursue a dating relationship with him.

Note as others have said (assuming you are young enough), Catholic marriages must be open to children. I don’t think it is a problem that you don’t want children right now, after all you are not in love yet anyway, so your attitude may change in the future.

 

[cerad]

your good example could bring him back, just don’t let HIS bad example lead you away.

For a women to enter a relationship based on the notion that she can “change” the guy is always a recipe for disaster.

 

[agapewolf]

Yeah, well, that didn’t work. All the good Catholic boys want a litter of kids. I’ve lifted the “must be Catholic” requirement for dating.

I guess you’re not reading what is being answered here. Dating is for the purpose of finding a spouse. To validly marry, one MUST be open to children. It is in the basic statement of intentions in the marriage vows. No priest will marry you without this. Don’t bother dating till you’ve discerned that you are called to marriage, which means being open to children. At this point it is clear you are not. If you date without this, then you are manipulating and playing the men you date.

Again, dating is for the purpose of finding a spouse. As I said earlier, if your soul isn’t safe with him, move on. If you can’t submit to him as spiritual head of the household, move on.

I’m surprised you’ve found a lot of good Catholic boys that want a litter of kids. They are hard to find around me.

 

[rick43235]

Even though you clearly said:

**For the record, neither one of us will be having kids, ever. **…I’m not here to talk about why we don’t want kids or defend my position.

This is what you get:

A marriage entered into without being open to children is invalid. This is a very basic part of marriage and is one of the statement of intentions in the vows.

Yes, when you exclude children, the marriage is invalid. For this reason, I will not offer you any dating advice regarding this issue.

A permanent intention against children is an impediment to a valid marriage in the Catholic Church. You need to talk to a priest. Truly, it’s an impediment and invalidates an attempt at marriage.

Catholic marriages must be open to children.

Oh well. Keep in mind that you’re not going to find a more conservative Catholic community than the CAF. To suggest that you don’t want children will leave these folks foaming at the mouth.

I am answering your question from the other side. I am an agnostic married to a Catholic. (My wife is originally from a country where a very large percentage of the population is Catholic, so her Catholicism is probably as much cultural as it is religious. Although the idea of not attending Sunday mass would be unthinkable to her, she sometimes rolls her eyes at certain church teachings.) Even as one who struggles with the existence of God, I have no problem going to mass with my wife every Sunday. She appreciates it, and I find it to be a peaceful way to start the week. Having grown up in a church with a very similar liturgy, I find a familiar comfort in the mass. It’s a time for quiet reflection, the homily is occasionally interesting, and I try to remain open to the possibility of some “revelation.” Additionally, we are both somewhat active in parish activities.

Anyway, my wife and I are very happily married, so based on our experience, I have to say that a relationship between a Catholic and a non-Catholic (even one who questions God) can be successful. It really just depends upon the couple. Now, if I was disrespectful of my wife’s beliefs, or if she was very strict and tried to impose certain church teachings on the way I live my life, then there might be a problem. However, if you are both willing to be respectful and flexible, it can be good.

Best of luck.

 

[kib]

I would say that if you are actually serious about being Catholic, the relationship won’t work. If you are someone (like the above posters wife) who rolls their eyes at certain church teachings, then you don’t really believe in the church. I would say that because of your statements about children, you may fall into this category.

Anyway, that’s great that you have a group in your church to help support your spiritual side. The only thing is, I desire an intimate spiritual relationship with my girlfriend. Without it, there is something significant missing. I have stayed with her hoping she will take an interest, I have tried everything. Now I am trying to let her be. I am trying to be the best Catholic I can be. So far, she is uninterested.

I also have to think about the fact that my girlfriend is going to hell when she dies, unless she converts. The whole purpose of marriage is to help your spouse get to heaven. How can I marry someone that is almost certainly going to hell unless she changes? It is very, very difficult.

I love my girlfriend and I want to marry her, I just don’t think I can. I’m just not ready to end it yet. I guess I’m just hoping for her conversion. I hope that some of what I have said is helping.

 

[chevalier]

Well thanks for nothing.

I’m not going to give you advice on how to have an invalid marriage. Openness to children is a requirement for validity of marriage, not just a belief that married people should have children. When marriage is invalid, there is no marriage and sexual relations are equivalent to premarital sex. The promise to accept children is a part of the vows and to say it without meaning would be a lie.

 

[Brendan]

I’m wondering if anyone out has had experience with dating an Agnostic person and what advice you have to offer? Did it work out? If so, why? If your relationship didn’t work, why not? We just met, so I’m not planning my wedding. We might just remain friends…

When I met my wife, she was a pretty anti-Catholic Agnostic. She was raised Catholic, but in a “Catholic in Name Only” family. Baptized, First Communion and that was about it.

It was rough, I’ll tell you that. It takes a lot of perseverence and standing firm on your Faith.

It took awhile, but thanks to God and some great examples of Faith in several key priests, she is now a ‘daily Mass-er’, homeschooling mother of five

The real key is two fold.

1.) Never compromise on the Faith

2.) Practice the Faith in a loving way, don’t argue, simply explain. You will need to become a pretty good apologist for this.

It helped a lot that my wife was a Physics teacher, and therefore had some training in logical thought and rational debate.

 

[milletsmo]

I’m a practicing Catholic and am dabbling in the world of online dating. I’ve just started hanging out with a man I was exchanging messages with for a couple weeks, and we are starting out as “just friends” for now with the possibility of being more than friends later on (both of us believe in taking things slow). So far, I have a positive first impression of him, but he’s Agnostic. We haven’t started talking in depth about our spirituality/philosophy (we have been keeping the conversation light), but he knows I go to Mass. He went to “strict” Catholic schools for elementary school and I think his family is Catholic.

I’m wondering if anyone out has had experience with dating an Agnostic person and what advice you have to offer? Did it work out? If so, why? If your relationship didn’t work, why not? We just met, so I’m not planning my wedding. We might just remain friends.

For the record, neither one of us will be having kids, ever. We met on a website made specifically for singles who don’t want kids, actually. I’m not here to talk about why we don’t want kids or defend my position. However most other forums I’ve checked out regarding this topic usually focus on what to do about the kids, but that issue is irrelevant for me and therefore, I don’t need advice on that .

I haven’t read everyones replies so I apologise now if I’m repeating someone.

I know several people who have dated and/or are married to agnostics/atheists.
My dad’s cousin is married and has been married for about 30 or so years. They have two grown up daughters and grandchildren. She is Catholic and he is Atheist. Our family often go to Lourdes and he has been several times but he really dislikes the church, faith, etc. I don’t know him that well because hes a distant relative so I’m not sure why his thoughts are this way, however I know they have had a happy life together and are very much in love (Also even though he still claims to not believe, we have no idea how these trips to Lourdes and the effects of a Catholic family will have on his later life etc).

Through going to Lourdes several times I also know a family who’s husband was converted. He went to Lourdes to respect his wife’s beliefs and to help look after the sick. He was a strong atheist and was convinced he always would be. However one day in Lourdes and he became a devout Catholic. (I can’t rememeber the full story but it was defiantley a spur of the moment occurance which made him grow in faith)

So the fact that he doesn’t believe now doesn’t mean he never will.
Having said that he might never change his mind, we aren’t to know and just have to hope and pray that nonbelivers will see the light.

Anyways, my last boyfriend was an agnostic. I believed we would marry and still do (I’ll not get into the break up reasons here but they were nothing to do with faith). We never had a problem regarding faith. He came to church with me twice, once for my Grandfather’s funeral and then once because we were staying at my relatives house and she makes everyone go to church on Sundays haha.
I tried to get him to go to my local church once but he said he didn’t like the idea. I respected that just hoped one day he would change his mind - I still do.
I think most nonbelivers have negative thoughts regarding out faith due to external factors such as the media. I think when they see a real life practising Catholic they start to realise we are “normal” people and not crazy or whatever and then start to see our faith in a positive way.

Hopefully this has been helpful.
x

 

[1ke]

Referring to children, the primary end and supreme gift of marriage, as a “litter” is offensive. That type of terminology and attitude would seem to indicate you lack a complete understanding of what Catholic marriage is. Not the civil contract of marriage, but Catholic marriage-- *the **Sacrament *of Marriage.

I would suggest reading the church documents Casti Connubii and Familaris Consortio, and the book Three To Get Married by Archbishop Fulton Sheen.

As for experience dating agnostics, many posters here over the years have posted on their dating or marriage to an agnostic, atheist, or non-practicing Catholic or Protestant. Caveat emptor.

Here are some past threads with experiences in various posts from people married to agnostics and/or atheists. There is much regret in most of these posts:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=386789

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=384355

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=344431

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=323270

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=289030

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=284864