Dating advice?

[SheaWilson]

Hey Catholic.com forum users, I’m in need of advice from Catholic people. I’m a new Catholic of just about 8 months… I’ve learned so much already during these months and I’ve been through many a trial for the name of God. But, one thing I just cannot understand is why I just CAN’T understand myself when it comes to dating.

I am infatuated with a woman at my home parish, we’ve known each other for about a month. I hope “infatuated” is the right term to use, because I don’t really want to use “love” yet. She has a beautiful heart, a beautiful mind, she IS beautiful on the outside, and I really, really like her so much. Here’s the problem… I feel “forbidden” to ask her on a date. I have always felt that way after a relationship ended between an 11-year-old girl and I when I was 10. She moved and didn’t say anything because she couldn’t. But after that, I was always too hesitant. I thought I wasn’t good enough, didn’t look good enough, was too fat… all these insecurities that I had/have.

Plus, I grew up with an abusive father who was addicted to porn, both gay and straight, drugs, heavy alcohol… He tried to kill both my mom and me. He ended up committing suicide after my mom divorced him. Then my mom got re-married 7 years later. They divorced. I’ve seen two divorces in my life just in my own immediate family… My mom isn’t a good example, and I just am so scared that I might hurt a woman now because of growing up under these circumstances…

I’ve been building up my prayer life, going to confession on a regular basis, Mass every weekend. Now, I’m considering celebrating Mass on business days on the days that I have off of work. I’m trying so hard to build up my relationship with Christ.

I am building this relationship with a friend of mine for a month. I’m taking it very slow, baby steps… but I just want to ask her, “Hey, would you like to do something with me?” I mean, is that so hard?! Why is it SO hard for me to ask a simple question like that… To me, asking a girl that is like trying to climb Mt. Everest naked. It’s just so monumental! I REALLY, really like her, but why am I feeling so forbidden to ask?! I was going to ask her if she wanted to do something with me on monday night… I had her alone and wasn’t afraid anymore. I was about to ask her, but the words WOULDN’T COME OUT. It was like I didn’t have any air in my lungs to be able to speak.

Please help me, pray for me. I am just so confused. We have had a good conversation over eMail for a while, now we’re texting. She told me, “You’re a good friend,” after I told her I appreciated her. I just can’t stop thinking about her.

I also keep getting advice from different people of different perspectives too. My best friend’s dad told me I’m not in love with her, but I’m in lust with her. But I’ve never thought about her naked, never wanted sex with her; I just want to be close to her, hug her, kiss her, hold her hands, talk with her, praise God with her, celebrate Mass with her, serve with her, love her… be friends with her. That’s what I so desire.

My dad’s friend, with whom I live, told me, “Just man up and ask. If you don’t, I’ll be disappointed. Just do it, you have nothing to lose.” But the more and more I build my relationship with Christ, the more and more I see Christ in the middle of a relationship with a woman and a man. I feel ready to finally ask her, but I just can’t. I look to the Queen of Heaven as my mother, but I don’t know if she’s going to help me out on this one… haha.

I just need REAL advice. I want to be with her so much.

 

[1ke]

I think you need to get some counseling to deal with your past.

 

[SheaWilson]

Well, I’ve forgiven my dad, and I pray he may one day partake in the the glories of Heaven worshiping God forever and ever. As for my mom, I don’t listen to her anymore. She’s a bad influence on me, and I know that. We’re growing apart, and I hate that so much, but nothing I say or do has made her think about her life. As for me, I don’t look to my past so much… because I pretty much forgot it all. I have a pretty bad memory. I can barely, with effort, tell you what I did yesterday. I’ve overcome my past, and I was born again, baptized. Now, I focus on my relationship with Christ and the Father, but I really desire friendship and partnership with a beautiful woman I think about so much to better serve God.

 

[Trishie]

I ask the Lord that you will have the courage to overcome the past, and welcome the possibilities that come into your life.
If you need counseling in life skills now or later, then go for it! In the meantime, make a start on living your life as a valuable, loved son of God.

These words of God from the bible may inspire you…

“No need to recall the past,
no need to think about what was before.
See I am doing a new deed,
even now, it comes to light; can you not see it?
Yes, I am making a road in the wilderness,
paths in the wild.” [Isaiah 43:18-19]

 

[Leegal]

Agree with Trishie and 1ke. You may still have some issues to work out despite the fact that you ignore your mother and pray for your father. You still carry some of that past around (that girl who moved away) and like 1ke said you might want to explore some counseling first and just see how that goes.

Even you admit your fear is based on seeing bad examples of bad marriages when you were younger. You want to sort through this a bit first.

You’ve known the woman a month, so maybe give counseling a try and see how you begin to feel as your confidence grows, while staying in contact with her, being friendly, talking, etc. – for now.

Don’t listen to your friend’s father.

Give it a little more time.

 

[chevalier]

Hey there, Shea. I too have seen a lot of a broken family and an unhappy “relationship” around age 11, both of which affected me in the long run. Suffice to say it never works out between a woman and yours truly, there’s a truckload of inhibitions and awkwardness along the way, and I do wonder about the working order of my picker. Life’s hard, a man’s gotta deal with his past and there’s no shame in talking to a counsellor or heck, even a shrink. It’d be a shame to stay in a rut. For the record, not all situations where things just don’t work out are actually related to problems from childhood or any problems you have at all. Sometimes things just don’t work out, sometimes you’re just “incompatible”, sometimes there’s something wrong with the girl.

Just ask that girl out, you don’t need to confess love at this point. Don’t stress too much. Don’t put all your hope in it, though. I’d be a little cautious about her using the word “friend”, especially if she uses it a lot or emphasises it. And if she’s not interested, that doesn’t mean you’re any less of a great guy. Alternatively, if you don’t have strong feelings about the girl but are merely somewhat interested in her, you may want to postpone any dating until you’re done sorting out your past (which sometimes takes a lifetime to do and doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t marry).

Also, I would indeed suggest not rushing, not being too hot-headed about it. Infatuations can be very strong but only for a short amount of time. Some of them really come strong and go away fast. Sometimes you’re attracted strongly to someone you’ve just met but even on the very next day much of the strength of it has dissipated. This is why it is very often a good idea to wait a day or five or even a bit more. Especially if the scenery or atmosphere where you met someone was particularly romantic/mushy, vogue/glam, or influenced by a drink or two (or especially more alcohol). It took me a lot of time but I’ve finally learnt to give it this little time.

Also, if you have limited experience, it may be (much) more difficult for you to define the nature of a relationship or even of your own desires or interest. Say, love or friendship, big infatuation or small one, infatuation or love, lust or love. This is why it is important not to jump head first.

Also, given the nature of your past problems, it may be possible for you to fall in the trap of trying to fix something (or prove something or make up for something) with a relationship, or expect a relationship to fix something in your life. You need to avoid that trap and seeing a qualified counsellor to help you with this would be a good idea. I would say you also might be at a strong risk of falling for the wrong women (been there done that, this is why I’m talking) due to some kind of conditioning your experience may have given you. There, again, is an area where a counsellor could be of invaluable assistance. Still, God is the best doctor, the best healer.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

A small tip: It’s easier at first to do things with a small group than to go one-on-one. You can get a group of buddies together for a movie or go-kart racing or whatever you all enjoy, that’s what “double dating” used to be for - I would advise at least 3 people of each gender at first, then you sort of narrow it down. You will see more of how this girl acts around you and you can ask one of the other people in the group whether you are just dreaming or if they think there is chemistry between her and you. It’s a very good tool.

Do not just center on this one person, BTW, you can get different groups of friends together instead of concentrating wholly on one person, and your attraction to other girls may surprise you. IOW, I would advise not settling on one person at this point in your life or your spiritual process. Keep it casual and get comfortable with small group dating, and as your confidence grows, you will more easily see a time for single dating.

Counseling can help with your negative thought patterns, which are there even if you don’t remember specifics of your childhood. We are all formed by what we experience and like it or not, those trials live on within you. You may need to form new habits and ways of thinking, and counseling can help you do this. In your case, look into group therapy because you may need exposure to others in order not to turn too far inward on yourself.

Also, you may be temperamentally a somewhat introverted or shy person. There is NOTHING abnormal about this! Regardless of what some elements of society will tell you. There have always been shy people and there always will be. God forbid the whole world was extroverted!

Welcome Home, dear one, and I am so glad you have come into the fullness of truth!

 

[chevalier]

Forgot to add (or emphasise more clearly): Adult children of alcoholics are a recognised group of people with specific counselling needs. They have a range of problems unique to them (to them or people with similar issues caused by slightly different causes). There are specific problems and risks associated with relationships with the opposite sex. Thankfully, the problems have been researched and counselling is ready to tackle them.