Dating Advice

[tgibs88]

I’m 23 years old and in my first real relationship. Been on dates before but this is the first time I’ve exclusively seen someone for more than a couple weeks. We’ve been going out for a little over two months now and I know that’s not a super long time or anything but He’s 25 and lives on his own with a guy roommate. When would it be appropriate for me to hang out with him over his apartment? We are both Catholic and have had the “no sex before marriage” talk and are both in agreeance to wait but does me going over “change the game” so to speak? He has invited me over before and I’ve said no in the past because my mother thinks i shouldn’t but what does anybody else think? When does it become appropriate?

Thanks!!

 

[ivdaeorum]

You are both adults and are both committed to abstaining from sex before marriage. The question is, do you trust him? God Bless

 

[Schieffelin]

If you think going over to his apartment will be a source of temptation to sexual sin, then you shouldn’t go over there. You should probably at least come up with certain ground rules in advance like not hanging out there unless someone else is around. The closer you get to each other the harder it can be to stay pure. I always thought it best to be extra conservative about it because even then it can be hard. good luck!

 

[chevalier]

Yeah, apart from sexual temptation, it’s pretty much a cultural thing. For example, where I live, and this a Catholic country, friends visiting friends is not a problem or scandal to people, while in some other countries people would be on the war path over that.

Be warned, though, that sexual temptation doesn’t necessarily work like: “oh, we’re in his/her apartment, so we must do X.” That’d be too deterministic. It’s more like softening our willpower and getting us used to growing levels of intimacy and tolerance of this or that thing that would normally be outside our boundaries. With enough of the foregoing, at some point more decidely sexual interaction could find its way in.

I’d especially be careful with a more outgoing and more hot-blooded person who needed a lot of physical contact, some of which not appropriate between e.g. a brother and sister. In such a case, I’d prefer not to be alone in private quarters for extended periods of time.

 

[Lorelei12]

It depends on how committed you are to chastity. It is certainly possible for couples to hang out at each other’s homes without anything happening. If it’s too tempting for one or both of you, don’t do it. But you can only spend so much time at other places, and if you stay together eventually you will have conversations, especially if you are discerning marriage, that are best had in private.

If you are comfortable going over, and you set some ground rules with your boyfriend, I don’t see why there is anything wrong with it. And at 23, while you should still respect your mother’s (name removed by moderator)ut, you should be able to decide on your own the rules of your relationship. Yes, you should avoid occasions of sin, and what those are vary depending on the person- so I don’t think anyone here can really tell you what will be okay for you or your boyfriend. But there is nothing inherently wrong with hanging out at a significant other’s home.

 

[llenadegracia]

You are both adults and are both committed to abstaining from sex before marriage. The question is, do you trust him? God Bless

And another question, in my opinion, is do you trust yourself?

I recommend simply having a conversation with him and setting up some guidelines.

A former boyfriend of mine and I set up guidelines that eventually just became habits of our relationship during the course of time that we dated. For instance, in his college dorm room I would sometimes sit on the foot of his bed and study while he sat at his desk and studied (keep in mind this was a college dorm room…so hard floors and limited room). We had decided that the two of us would not sit on his bed at the same time. There were a lot of motives to this…such as if his roommate walked in we did not want him to feel awkward and also just the idea that a bed is sort of a sacred space (in terms of marriage) and sharing that space, even innocently studying, as a couple just was not something we were interested in. The only time I ever saw his bedroom in our hometown was when I was helping drill holes in a wall with his family for shelving. Over the entire course of our relationship over a year and a half, he never saw my bedroom except maybe walking by it with the door open on the way to the bathroom. These were just the guidelines that worked for us. They became our habits and just felt natural to follow. Although we did end up ending our relationship, we both reflect on how thankful we are that we followed such a chaste path both physically and emotionally during our relationship. **Remember, it is not all about simply avoiding a place where you two can be physically alone, but also just creating a relationship that is holy and promotes the idea of discerning marriage. **The biggest thing I can stress to you is this: Discuss some general guidelines of what you think is appropriate and let those become your habits. Sometimes I think people get way too caught up in the idea of just avoiding a physical place where you two are alone, but it is so so so much more than that and I pray that the two of you are able to find a way to live that out.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

I’m 23 years old and in my first real relationship. Been on dates before but this is the first time I’ve exclusively seen someone for more than a couple weeks. We’ve been going out for a little over two months now and I know that’s not a super long time or anything but He’s 25 and lives on his own with a guy roommate. When would it be appropriate for me to hang out with him over his apartment? We are both Catholic and have had the “no sex before marriage” talk and are both in agreeance to wait but does me going over “change the game” so to speak? He has invited me over before and I’ve said no in the past because my mother thinks i shouldn’t but what does anybody else think? When does it become appropriate?

Thanks!!

I don’t think it is ever a good idea. Why open yourself to temptation? He can come over to your house, if your Mom or other responsible relative is present. Linus2nd

 

[Lorelei12]

I don’t think it is ever a good idea. Why open yourself to temptation? He can come over to your house, if your Mom or other responsible relative is present. Linus2nd

The OP is 23 and her boyfriend is 25. They are a little old to have Mom chaperoning their dates.

 

[PatriceA]

I’m 23 years old and in my first real relationship. Been on dates before but this is the first time I’ve exclusively seen someone for more than a couple weeks. We’ve been going out for a little over two months now and I know that’s not a super long time or anything but He’s 25 and lives on his own with a guy roommate. When would it be appropriate for me to hang out with him over his apartment? We are both Catholic and have had the “no sex before marriage” talk and are both in agreeance to wait but does me going over “change the game” so to speak? He has invited me over before and I’ve said no in the past because my mother thinks i shouldn’t but what does anybody else think? When does it become appropriate?

Thanks!!

I think its appropriate. I don’t think going over to a significant other’s house or place is going to change the situation much if the ground rules are in place already, especially given your age and your boyfriend’s age. If it would actually change the rules, maybe the relationship itself isn’t mature enough to continue. You can certainly “hang out” at his apartment and be chaste. Watching a movie, or cooking dinner together is certainly not inappropriate activities for two people to do that are in a dating relationship, especially if you are at his place during a reasonable hour of the day.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

The OP is 23 and her boyfriend is 25. They are a little old to have Mom chaperoning their dates.

Wisdom comes with age. It is never a good idea for single people to " keep company " in the seclusion of the residence of one or the other. Linus2nd

 

[Annie39]

Yeah, apart from sexual temptation, it’s pretty much a cultural thing. For example, where I live, and this a Catholic country, friends visiting friends is not a problem or scandal to people, while in some other countries people would be on the war path over that.

Be warned, though, that sexual temptation doesn’t necessarily work like: “oh, we’re in his/her apartment, so we must do X.” That’d be too deterministic. It’s more like softening our willpower and getting us used to growing levels of intimacy and tolerance of this or that thing that would normally be outside our boundaries. With enough of the foregoing, at some point more decidely sexual interaction could find its way in.

I’d especially be careful with a more outgoing and more hot-blooded person who needed a lot of physical contact, some of which not appropriate between e.g. a brother and sister. In such a case, I’d prefer not to be alone in private quarters for extended periods of time.

I live in the US. In the part of the country and in the circles I traveled it was considered normal as well. But I second your very good advice. I was not so very wise in those days and wish I had been.

Annie

 

[chevalier]

I live in the US. In the part of the country and in the circles I traveled it was considered normal as well. But I second your very good advice. I was not so very wise in those days and wish I had been.

Annie

I think the problem is not the 90% of the time when nothing happens but the 10% when something actually does. It’s kinda like drinking. It feels somewhat humiliating to refuse, finish before everybody else etc., but the real humiliation comes when one does actually have too much to drink and begins to feel the ill effects of it (which can be quite brutal and humiliating). I guess it’s similar with sexual temptations. It makes one feel like a chaperoned kid to skip potential occasions, some of which may feel paranoid, but it’s really bad when the lack of caution eventually does result in a temptation that was not resisted. (And here too there will be voices crying that you should keep going and go to new lengths once you set on the path, so I find it’s easier to stay more reserved and avoid the blood heating up at all.)

 

[anruari]

I’ve been there and fallen many times.

The old traditions on defending chastity have a lot of wisdom in them.
“Honourable Dating” should not involve any situation where it would be easy to give in to temptation. Being alone in one anothers bedrooms is a massive risk and makes it far to easy to fall into sin.
If you wish to remain chaste then I would advise finding other places to share time together. These should be in public places, where it is not easy to give in to temptation.

I have lived in Opus dei student residences. (There is normally one Guest Lounge, which can be used to receive guests by explicit permission, it is separate from the general common room A chaperone would be expected to be present, and the door left open.) Members of the opposite sex are basically not permitted into the building never mind into the bedrooms.
When staff of the opposite sex are present the area must be vacated!!!

Now that’s O.T.T. for most people, but its a strong indicator of how that organisation considers it appropriate to help people of your age group to remain Chaste and to engage in Honourable forms of Dating and Courtship.