Dating Advice

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Razanir

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So there’s this (Catholic) girl I met in one of my classes at college. I kinda like her and want to ask her out, but she seems to be two different people. On one hand, there’s the girl I met and like. On the other hand, I found out when I went to lunch with her and some of her friends that she’s the type of girl who goes to underage drinking parties. And that made me not want to date her so much. But then I was worried she was transferring to another school, and it made me regret not having asked her out to anything more than lunch with friends. Any advice?
 
Could you maybe strike up a friendship and get to know here a little better before deciding to ask her out?
 
Razanir said:
So there’s this (Catholic) girl I met in one of my classes at college. I kinda like her and want to ask her out, but she seems to be two different people. On one hand, there’s the girl I met and like. On the other hand, I found out when I went to lunch with her and some of her friends that she’s the type of girl who goes to underage drinking parties. And that made me not want to date her so much. But then I was worried she was transferring to another school, and it made me regret not having asked her out to anything more than lunch with friends. Any advice?
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When you were at lunch with her, did you mention to her that you don’t agree with underage drinking?

Sometimes people need to hear another view in order to stand up for what they really want to do. Maybe if she knew you disagree with underage drinking, she would be encouraged not to attend.

Sometimes people say things that they think others want to hear, but aren’t really the “party girl” they try to appear.

Group outings, like lunch with friends, are actually a good way to “date”.
 
Joe_5859 said:
Could you maybe strike up a friendship and get to know here a little better before deciding to ask her out?
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Hahaha, I can hear a tone in your comment that I heard at home in my earlier years!
And yes, ain’t that ^ the truth! 👍
 
Asking someone you like out for a date does not commit you to anything but one date. Before you make up your mind about anything give her a night for you two to talk and find out about each other. You have to give her the benefit of the doubt until you know the facts about the parties, being there does not mean she drinks or thinks its OK. You’ll never know until you try.
 
Joe_5859 said:
Could you maybe strike up a friendship and get to know here a little better before deciding to ask her out?
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Attraction is a yes-or-no thing. It happens on the spot. It either is or it isn’t. The relationship compatibility happens overtime, but not the actual attraction.
 
mountee said:
Asking someone you like out for a date does not commit you to anything but one date. Before you make up your mind about anything give her a night for you two to talk and find out about each other. You have to give her the benefit of the doubt until you know the facts about the parties, being there does not mean she drinks or thinks its OK. You’ll never know until you try.
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That’s the whole point of dating. The opportunity to have time with someone in order to get to know them. My Mom, who could best be described as a ‘turbo’ catholic was very devout but always advised her daughters and granddaughters to date a lot of different men. Because that’s the only way you’ll learn what qualities you like in someone, which ones you don’t like, what you may or may not be compatible with.

To stress what mountee said-- a date is not a committment for anything other than a couple of hours of time. It may lead to more dates, it may not.

Ask out those girls you may be interested in and don’t go investing a lot of emotional capital in every date. Each date really shouldn’t be that big a deal.
 
mountee said:
Asking someone you like out for a date does not commit you to anything but one date. Before you make up your mind about anything give her a night for you two to talk and find out about each other. You have to give her the benefit of the doubt until you know the facts about the parties, being there does not mean she drinks or thinks its OK. You’ll never know until you try.
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:hmm: You all make excellent points…
 
Joe_5859 said:
Could you maybe strike up a friendship and get to know here a little better before deciding to ask her out?
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PaleoConCatlick said:
Attraction is a yes-or-no thing. It happens on the spot. It either is or it isn’t. The relationship compatibility happens overtime, but not the actual attraction.
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Joe_5859 said:
:confused: I don’t understand how that relates to my post.
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We’ve talked a lot after class. I like the girl I know her to be, just not necessarily what may have been hinted at during my lunch with her and her friends
 
Razanir said:
We’ve talked a lot after class. I like the girl I know her to be, just not necessarily what may have been hinted at during my lunch with her and her friends
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The only answer I can think of is to spend more time with her to find out for yourself. I’ve known times where the “friend” contingency misrepresent the facts of the matter. But then I’ve also known times where the friends reveal things that are true that the person would simply not choose to reveal.

I wouldn’t necessarily take what the friends say at face value. I can think of a lot of things some of my college “friends” said about me that weren’t nearly representative of who I was.
 
Razanir said:
So there’s this (Catholic) girl I met in one of my classes at college. I kinda like her and want to ask her out, but she seems to be two different people. On one hand, there’s the girl I met and like. On the other hand, I found out when I went to lunch with her and some of her friends that she’s the type of girl who goes to underage drinking parties. And that made me not want to date her so much. But then I was worried she was transferring to another school, and it made me regret not having asked her out to anything more than lunch with friends. Any advice?
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Just because she’s going to those parties doesn’t necessarily mean she’s participating. I used to go to those parties to keep an eye on my friends. I’d take a 20oz dark colored soda and sip on it through the night and everyone else just assumed that I had put whiskey or rum in it when I hadn’t. At least find out WHY she goes first.
 
Joe_5859 said:
…

The only answer I can think of is to spend more time with her to find out for yourself.
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Which is the whole point of dating. The opportunity to get to know someone better, it isn’t a committment of anything more than a bit of time. You can casually date a number of people, initial dates don’t equate to love interests, just an interest. Sometimes you’ll end up just becoming better friends with someone you date. You realize there is a respect/friend level interest but nothing more.
 
Is underage drinking really a problem? What is underage drinking?

I mean it’s not a law aplied by the church or anything. It’s rather a law by politicians.

I live in the Netherlands. Beer and such drinks are 16+ And heavy alcohol is 18+ So if she’s 16-18 I wouldn’t worry nothing wrong with that, because if she lived where I lived it would be totally legal. I’ve been drinking since I was 13 though.
 
styrgwillidar said:
Which is the whole point of dating. The opportunity to get to know someone better, it isn’t a committment of anything more than a bit of time. You can casually date a number of people, initial dates don’t equate to love interests, just an interest. Sometimes you’ll end up just becoming better friends with someone you date. You realize there is a respect/friend level interest but nothing more.
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True. I guess I’m just culturally conditioned to perceive the word “dating” as synonymous with “exclusive daiting.” In my single days, I went on plenty of “group dates” or “coffee dates” or “movie dates” or “hanging out playing Nintendo dates”, but I never really called it a date unless it was with someone I was dating exclusively.

So if I were the OP, I would probably ask her if she wants to grab coffee sometime (or hang out and play cards or go for a stroll or whatever) rather than use the word “date” when posing the question. But that could just be my personal hangup. 🤷 :o
 
Meemai said:
Is underage drinking really a problem? What is underage drinking?

I mean it’s not a law aplied by the church or anything. It’s rather a law by politicians.

I live in the Netherlands. Beer and such drinks are 16+ And heavy alcohol is 18+ So if she’s 16-18 I wouldn’t worry nothing wrong with that, because if she lived where I lived it would be totally legal. I’ve been drinking since I was 13 though.
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Indeed, different places have different rules. In the U.S. college scene, though, underage drinking usually carries with it connotations of binge drinking and other unwholesome activities.
 
Meemai said:
Is underage drinking really a problem? What is underage drinking?

I mean it’s not a law aplied by the church or anything. It’s rather a law by politicians.

I live in the Netherlands. Beer and such drinks are 16+ And heavy alcohol is 18+ So if she’s 16-18 I wouldn’t worry nothing wrong with that, because if she lived where I lived it would be totally legal. I’ve been drinking since I was 13 though.
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Well, there is that whole deferring to legitimate authority thing. As well as the realities, apart from sinfulness, of participating in illegal activities. It’s not good for your future to have a police record. Some universities and employers will have a problem with someone having a bust or two for alcohol related incidents.

Culture does play a huge part in this. Because of the US attitude towards alcohol, not introducing as part of family events. Not normally having teens introduced to it and become familiar with the effects in a safe environment it can become that ‘forbidden fruit’ type phenomena. And it does affect judgement.

So, we have kids get together and have drinking parties vice having parties where there is drinking. The difference being that you would see getting together with friends, maybe having a couple while playing darts, or ping pong, or watching a movie. Lot of parties in the US the kids focus on the drinking almost as the central activity in and of itself.

Two rules to saftey. 1. Don’t do anything stupid. 2. Alcohol makes you stupid. It takes away inhibitions and hence good judgement, so drinking parties can result in a lot of otherwise good kids making some very horrible mistakes. So I understand the OP’s concern.

But those concerns shouldn’t really bar him from asking her out, getting to know her better, and making any decisions based on who she really is vice rumour mill and imaginings.
 
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