Dating Advice

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em123

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I’m really in desperate need of advice. My boyfriend and I are very Catholic, and he has a love for the Church unlike anyone else I’ve seen. I really love him, and I know he loves me, but he wants me to show him parts of my body I don’t think I should, and he wants to touch me in places I don’t think he should either. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he says there is nothing wrong with it and he gets really mad about it.

Just today, I got so frustrated with the whole thing that I told him if he could not respect my boundaries I would have to break up with him (even though that’s the last thing I want to do). He just got even more angry and said that we are young and it will be fine. He thinks I’m being cruel and manipulative by saying that. He said if he can’t do those things, then how would we even show our passion for each other? He’s really mad at me that I said that, but I felt like I had to tell him how serious I am. I just really don’t want to break up with him, because I love him. What should I do?:confused:
 
He is asking you to commit sin in the name of love? This is bad and doesn’t bode well for any future marriage. He is being totally selfish and frankly has a lot of nerve to demand that you do things for him that are reserved for marriage. Break up with him. His vaunted “love for the Church” apparently doesn’t include love for her morality. He is using your affection to try to get want he wants out of you. If you give in to him he’ll either want more or he’ll disrespect you and move on to some other poor girl. Run from this guy as fast as you can and never see him again!!!
 
You should stand your ground for sure. Sexual faculties are reserved for marriage. This is the order of creation and the distinct gift bestowed on humankind by God Himself. Pre-marital sexual activity can also cloud one’s view of another person. Hormones can interfere with judgement. Your boyfriend is at least not in accord with Catholic teaching on the sexual demands you describe. For example, from the Catechism:*CCC#2360 Sexuality is ordered to the conjugal love of man and woman. In marriage the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion. Marriage bonds between baptized persons are sanctified by the sacrament.

CCC#2361 “Sexuality, by means of which man and woman give themselves to one another through the acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is not something simply biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves totally to one another until death.”*So that much I know, is to tell you that you have done the right thing by standing your ground. It is the right and holy thing of you to have done that and to continue doing that. As to what you should do now, I supposed I would study on the subject and tell your boyfriend why you hold this position, including because you believe in the teachings of the Church, which are holy and true. I may defer to some of the good women on this site to advise you beyond that. :o
 
em123 said:
Just today, I got so frustrated with the whole thing that I told him if he could not respect my boundaries I would have to break up with him (even though that’s the last thing I want to do). He just got even more angry and said that we are young and it will be fine. He thinks I’m being cruel and manipulative by saying that. He said if he can’t do those things, then how would we even show our passion for each other? He’s really mad at me that I said that, but I felt like I had to tell him how serious I am. I just really don’t want to break up with him, because I love him. What should I do?:confused:
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Re the bolded: good on you, and stick with it.

My husband and I saw nothing of each other that the rest of the world wouldn’t see and engaged in no physical affection that we’d be embarrassed to have our grandmothers and priests witness until our wedding day. Without going into details, I can quite assure you that if anything, waiting to open that door until we got married helped in that particular department. In short, he’s wrong, and he probably knows he’s wrong. Yep, it was hard to wait, but it was not impossible, and it was worth it.

I have no doubt you feel love for him, but what he’s asking you to do is sinful. Also, you have repeatedly set perfectly reasonable boundaries which he has violated time and again. This is rude and disrespectful in anyone, and most especially so in someone who ought to cherish you above everyone else. Love must be built on respect, and he has none.

I am sorry you’re in such a miserable situation. Good on you for doing what’s right even in the face of such pressure. Please know that your future husband, whoever he may be, appreciates this, too. Also bear in mind that maybe–just maybe–your being willing to break up with him in order to remain true to your (supposedly mutual) beliefs might awaken remorse and contrition in him. I wouldn’t say it’s entirely likely, but it is possible. It might not even happen for a few years. In that case, you might save a soul besides your own. That having been said, your primary concern must be your own soul, and since you know that what he is asking you to do is wrong, stick to the boundary. Setting it in the first place took a good deal of courage; good for you!
 
em123 said:
I told him if he could not respect my boundaries I would have to break up with him
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You gave the answer in your question. If he can’t respect you, he is no man for you.

If he is truly faithful to the Church, talk to him about how it is wrong what he is asking of you, and stay some time away from him so he can reflect about it.
 
I think this situation is bad. He is not respecting you. He basically is forcing you to allow him to touch you without your consent and he is manipulating you, to make you feel guilty, in order to get away with what he wants. In my personal opinion you are idealizing him too much. If he is such a fervant catholic, why he is pushing you to sin. What worries me the most is that he is getting angry at you because you have your boundaries? That is awful and means he doesn’t respect you and he cares only about satisfying his needs and not about you.

I think you really need to reconsider being in a relationship with this guy. You can’t have a successful marriage when there is no respect and I think you are not seeing his real personality. I think you did very good in standing on your ground and warning him about break up. If he ever does this again, you do need to break up right away. For the moment I would suggest to pray, start looking at all the red flags and reconsider this relationship.
 
Irregardless of religious beliefs… he MUST RESPECT YOUR WISHES.

If he doesn’t respect your wishes now, when/if married, he will not respect your wishes then either.

Make sure he understands… this is not just an issue of religion, it’s also a matter of human respect and dignity. Both parties must be ready for and consent to a sexual relationship. Even married people. My wife is not obligated to have sexual relations with me whenever I want it; she is not my slave. She is my spouse, my life partner, the mother of my child, etc. I must respect her wishes too.

Now with the above said… you really should wait until marriage. But in the case that you do not, NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL FORCED INTO IT. If he is worthy of you, he will wait for you. And remember, no matter how much you love someone, sex outside marriage is still fornication - a mortal sin and requires confession.

Good luck and God Bless.
 
His absolute number one job is to protect your dignity before and after marriage.
 
em123 said:
I’m really in desperate need of advice. My boyfriend and I are very Catholic, and he has a love for the Church unlike anyone else I’ve seen. I really love him, and I know he loves me, but he wants me to show him parts of my body I don’t think I should, and he wants to touch me in places I don’t think he should either. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he says there is nothing wrong with it and he gets really mad about it.

Just today, I got so frustrated with the whole thing that I told him if he could not respect my boundaries I would have to break up with him (even though that’s the last thing I want to do). He just got even more angry and said that we are young and it will be fine. He thinks I’m being cruel and manipulative by saying that. He said if he can’t do those things, then how would we even show our passion for each other? He’s really mad at me that I said that, but I felt like I had to tell him how serious I am. I just really don’t want to break up with him, because I love him. What should I do?:confused:
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You did the right thing.

Firstly, what he’s asking you to do is sinful, and asking someone to sin is no way to show your love for them. MarcoPolo is quite correct above.

Secondly, even if it weren’t a sin, he would still be disrespecting your boundaries and getting angry at you when you draw a line about what’s OK. That is not how love works. I have no doubt that you care about each other, but love must be built on respect and the desire to do what is best for another person. Otherwise, it isn’t love at all. UbiCaritas and Phil are correct above on this front.

If you’ve been dating this young man for quite some time and have found him otherwise wonderful, I would reccomend having a very serious discussion about morals, boundaries, and respect. If he’s a devout Catholic, you might do some research and explain to him why there is definitely something wrong with what he’s proposing. If you cannot reach a consensus, and he continues to demand things of a sexual nature, I must advise you to follow through on your statement that you will break up with him. It won’t be pleasant, but either your communication and respect for each other will improve, or you’ll be out of a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere. Either would be better than the present situation.

I’m glad that you took a stand. Please don’t ever compromise on your morals or your personal boundaries.
 
It doesn’t sound like he is a fervent Catholic if he does not want to practice chastity and wants to involve you in serious sin.

This is a big red flag, and you would be wise to get away from him.
 
em123 said:
**Just today, I got so frustrated with the whole thing that I told him if he could not respect my boundaries I would have to break up with him (even though that’s the last thing I want to do). **
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:clapping::clapping::clapping::clapping::clapping:

Excellent! This is *exactly *what you should have done!
He just got even more angry and said that we are young and it will be fine. He thinks I’m being cruel and manipulative by saying that. He said if he can’t do those things, then how would we even show our passion for each other? He’s really mad at me that I said that, but I felt like I had to tell him how serious I am. I just really don’t want to break up with him, because I love him. What should I do?:confused:
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You’re boyfriend is the manipulative one in this relationship. Love is patient, love is kind (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). Breaking up with him immediately might very well be in order. As much as it may hurt, you must love God first, and respect yourself.

I wish you the best of luck and God bless!
 
As an unmarried person, one of his crosses to bear is to refrain from sexual activity or the near occasion of sin wrt to sexual activity.
 
em123 said:
I’m really in desperate need of advice. My boyfriend and I are very Catholic, and he has a love for the Church unlike anyone else I’ve seen. I really love him, and I know he loves me, but he wants me to show him parts of my body I don’t think I should, and he wants to touch me in places I don’t think he should either. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he says there is nothing wrong with it and he gets really mad about it.

Just today, I got so frustrated with the whole thing that I told him if he could not respect my boundaries I would have to break up with him (even though that’s the last thing I want to do). He just got even more angry and said that we are young and it will be fine. He thinks I’m being cruel and manipulative by saying that. He said if he can’t do those things, then how would we even show our passion for each other? He’s really mad at me that I said that, but I felt like I had to tell him how serious I am. I just really don’t want to break up with him, because I love him. What should I do?:confused:
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He is the one manipulating you. If he has a love for the church like you are saying, then he would not be pressuring you to do this. This is going to be very tough but you need to keep standing your ground and if he can’t respect that, then you will probably have to end it. I know that’s not what you want to do but it is not “true” love to pressure someone else into doing sexual things. Likewise, with this going on with him, I would make sure that you are not alone with him or isolated with him. I would not go to his house without his parents there. I would not have him over without your parents or some other adult there. He has a problem and this is big and I would hate to see you forced into something you will regret the rest of your life.
 
Drop him. He doesn’t respect your modesty, which means he doesn’t really love you. If he really loved you, he wouldn’t pressure you to do things that you aren’t comfortable with.

You don’t want to break up with him because it will hurt, but in the long run, it hurts more to stay with someone who doesn’t care how you feel, and doesn’t respect boundaries. because he is just going to keep doing this. Imagine having to deal worth it over and over again for a long time. You don’t need that.

You can’t change him. Don’t waste your love on someone who who doesn’t really love you. Let go of this guy and find one who wants to live a virtuous life with you.

You deserve better. You really do.
 
phil19034 said:
Irregardless of religious beliefs… he MUST RESPECT YOUR WISHES.

If he doesn’t respect your wishes now, when/if married, he will not respect your wishes then either.
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Yes!
Make sure he understands… this is not just an issue of religion, it’s also a matter of human respect and dignity. Both parties must be ready for and consent to a sexual relationship. Even married people. My wife is not obligated to have sexual relations with me whenever I want it; she is not my slave. She is my spouse, my life partner, the mother of my child, etc. I must respect her wishes too.
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I agree with this other than the part about making him understand. Not her job. It will only give him an opening for more manipulation.
Now with the above said… you really should wait until marriage. But in the case that you do not, NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL FORCED INTO IT. If he is worthy of you, he will wait for you. And remember, no matter how much you love someone, sex outside marriage is still fornication - a mortal sin and requires confession.
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Yup.
Good luck and God Bless.
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Ditto.

OP, I don’t think you should describe your boyfriend as “very Catholic” at this time. That he might desire to see or touch your body is a temptation but if entertained it crosses the line to sin. That he does this regularly and repeatedly is concerning, especially since he is encouraging you to sin as well. But making you feel bad about refusing? That is gravely sinful and even regardless of the sinful aspect is very wrong. It is not Catholic at all.

I’ve sort of been in your shoes and that anger can be very intimidating. He is the one being cruel and manipulative and quite frankly doing that is a form of emotional abuse. Please tell someone you trust (preferably an adult - your pastor or youth minister?) what is going on and considering dumping him sooner rather than later. It is not your job to rehabilitate him if he does not know how to treat women. Do not consider staying with him as some kind of spiritual work of mercy. You deserve better.
 
Break up with him. He sure doesn’t sound like “someone who loves the church unlike anyone I’ve ever seen.” If he did he wouldn’t be treating you like this. There are other fish in the sea my dear. 😉
 
robwar said:
is this a troll?
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I suppose it could be but there are people all over the world reading this forum that want to know a Catholic response to this question or young women who have been in a similar situation (even without an uber-Catholic boyfriend) and need some perspective. There is a reason I said the boyfriend should not be called “very Catholic.”
 
Bruised_Reed said:
I suppose it could be but there are people all over the world reading this forum that want to know a Catholic response to this question or young women who have been in a similar situation (even without an uber-Catholic boyfriend) and need some perspective. There is a reason I said the boyfriend should not be called “very Catholic.”
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Yes, I agree with you. sometimes when I am suspious of a thread I might answer it anyway to help someone else who may have that same/similar situation.
 
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