Dating advice

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Ave_Maria_2011

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I am a 28 year old Catholic mom in the middle of a divorce. It isn’t something I imagined or wanted for myself or my family, but that is where I find myself after two years of separation. Long story short, my husband left while I was deployed overseas. My heartbreak over the breakdown of my marriage did produce good fruit, however, because it led to finding a greater love affair with God and His Church. In the two years we have been separated, I became very active within my parish.

I have recently moved back to the United States after many years away. Besides the culture shock, I am now getting hit on constantly, even with members of my new parish. I know that I am still married regardless of what is going on in court, and I’ve made a vow to not date unless I have an annulment. I know that I am not anywhere ready to even consider dating. My problem is finding a way to gently let these gentlemen know that I am not free to date, especially those who are not Catholic. It seems like the secular view in America is that if you are married but separated then there is no problem, which I do not agree with at all. Even a smile and acting friendly is now taken as flirting. It’s even harder being the new person in the squadron, because I work in a male dominated career field and whenever a woman transfers in, there is a tendency with the single troops to all hit on them at once. It’s overwhelming and I’m just trying to find my niche in my new environment without all the distractions of male attention. Any advice on how to let these guys know I am not available? My marital status has probably already spread like wildfire around the squadron, and with an increasingly PC military even talking about my faith is considered “abnormal”. I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to explain nicely and clearly that even though I may be getting divorced, I’m still married. Or once my divorce is final and I’m waiting on an annulment, that I’m still married in the Lord’s view. Thank you and God Bless.
 
Tell them you are not ready to date anyone yet. Don’t worry, you are just the new skirt in town and all the attention will go away after they get the idea that you are not going to date anyone and the next female gets transferred into the squadron. Been there, done that, but it was the Navy.
 
On a practical level, how about wearing a ring–whether your wedding band, or, if that’s too painful, a different ring altogether–on the fourth finger of your left hand. Of course, that assumes it won’t interfere with your work, and if you work in a machinery-driven area, it might not be permitted for safety reasons. However, if you can wear it, it would probably do a nice job of keeping most guys at arm’s length (and those it doesn’t, you don’t want to spend time with anyway! 😛 ).

Back when I worked in retail and was a) single and b) not interested in even meeting someone, much less dating or discerning marriage, for some time, I often wore a ring on that finger because while my coworkers weren’t an issue, customers sometimes were. That ring is a nice, subtle, but huge BACK OFF sign, one that any decent guy will respect.
 
I like both Catholic1954’s and UbiCaritas’s responses. 👍

Really, you don’t owe anyone a reason for “no.” But if they have an idea of what you’re going through, “I’m sorry, but I’m not ready to date,” should be plenty.

If a man is being too persistent, it’s really a not good sign anyway. Especially if it’s at work, it could very well constitute harassment.
 
If someone can hear, “I’m going through a divorce right now” and not immediately go, “Oh, I am so sorry! I did not mean to pressure you!” then…then I don’t know what.
 
claymcdermott said:
If someone can hear, “I’m going through a divorce right now” and not immediately go, “Oh, I am so sorry! I did not mean to pressure you!” then…then I don’t know what.
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Then it would tell me they could only be interested in sex and see her as easy prey.
 
If I were you I would tell them the Truth.

1 John 3:8
Little children, make sure no one deceives you; the one who practices righteousness is righteous, just as He is righteous; 8the one who practices sin is of the devil; for the devil has sinned from the beginning. The Son of God appeared for this purpose, to destroy the works of the devil. 9No one who is born of God practices sin, because His seed abides in him; and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.…

Tell them you belong to Jesus and whoever does what is sinful is of the Devil. That’s what I would do. You literally do belong to all-powerful God. And what makes you so sure of an annulment? Was the marriage invalid for some reason? That is the only way to legitimately get an annulment. If the marriage was valid, you are going to have to be single for the rest of your life. That is not necessarily a bad thing. If it wasn’t valid, it is possible the Lord is not calling you to marriage.

Why not leave the military, which is full of godless people (I know this from first hand experience. Mortal sin is standard operating procedure), and see what the Lord is calling you to? I don’t think He is calling you to be in the military. Especially if you don’t feel inspired to try to convert souls while in the military.

Pray. He will answer your prayers and you will know what He is calling you to. It might take time to discern, but He will let you know. He hasn’t abandoned you! He has a specific will for you. If you cooperate with His grace, your soul and the souls of others will be saved.

A career doesn’t matter. Dating and relations with the opposite sex don’t matter. Eternity is all that matters. Heaven or Hell.

You are doing well by not committing adultery and instead being faithful to the Lord in this matter. He is always with you. Trust Him.
 
MiserableSinner said:
If I were you I would tell them the Truth.

1 John 3:8
Little children, make sure no one deceives you; the one who practices righteousness is righteous, just as He is righteous; 8the one who practices sin is of the devil; for the devil has sinned from the beginning. The Son of God appeared for this purpose, to destroy the works of the devil. 9No one who is born of God practices sin, because His seed abides in him; and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.…

Tell them you belong to Jesus and whoever does what is sinful is of the Devil. That’s what I would do. You literally do belong to all-powerful God. And what makes you so sure of an annulment? Was the marriage invalid for some reason? That is the only way to legitimately get an annulment. If the marriage was valid, you are going to have to be single for the rest of your life. That is not necessarily a bad thing. If it wasn’t valid, it is possible the Lord is not calling you to marriage.

Why not leave the military, which is full of godless people (I know this from first hand experience. Mortal sin is standard operating procedure), and see what the Lord is calling you to? I don’t think He is calling you to be in the military. Especially if you don’t feel inspired to try to convert souls while in the military.

Pray. He will answer your prayers and you will know what He is calling you to. It might take time to discern, but He will let you know. He hasn’t abandoned you! He has a specific will for you. If you cooperate with His grace, your soul and the souls of others will be saved.

A career doesn’t matter. Dating and relations with the opposite sex don’t matter. Eternity is all that matters. Heaven or Hell.

You are doing well by not committing adultery and instead being faithful to the Lord in this matter. He is always with you. Trust Him.
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WOW!! Thank you! This post almost read my mind. I have been struggling with discernment for about a year now and I am not sure that I am called to marriage. Honestly at the moment I just know I am called to be alone, and I don’t think that will go away once I have an annulment. The priest here knows my situation and he has said an anulment would be fairly simple in my case and wouldn’t take as long as normal. Either way, I’ve been prepared to live alone either as a married person or not.

Right now I am a a few years away from the end of this enlistment. I do really well in my career and I enjoy it, but I have been considering getting out. So for now I have to deal with the new environment and make do. I’ve been praying for clarity on this decision.
 
Thank you for all the responses! Clay, I think you nailed it. My thing is I want to be tactful and respectful in my dealings, especially with people I work with, and I generally feel obligated to explain why I can’t date. But I like some of the ideas posted! Thank you again. 👍
 
We are all praying for you. A friend of mine who just got out of the army was going through something similar, and I will pray for both of you, as someone who is just about to go into the army myself.
 
Oh, and maybe you can get one of those t-shirts that says “what part of no don’t you understand” and wear it around these guys. Or make that you ring tone!

(That was a joke BTW and I hope it made you smile). 😉
 
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