Dating advice

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holly_potter

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Hi…I’m not sure where to post this, so if it’s in the wrong place, I apologize!

I had a question for you guys…do you have practical advice on dating?

You see, I’ve never dated, but now that I’m nearly 20 I think maybe I’m doing something wrong, and maybe I should change something. I’d like to not use the online dating sites yet, however. I’ve prayed for God to show me the way, to help me and my future husband to find each other.

Part of the problem, I’m afraid, is that I’m hard of hearing (profoundly deaf). I do interact with people well face to face, and I keep in touch with Facebook, email, etc. I often do find myself saying “sorry, can’t use the phone”, and it makes me frustrated, because I know that some people like hearing each other’s voices. But it’s difficult for me, and the other party usually goes on, talks like normal, and I’m thinking “okay, I have no idea what you’re saying, but great!”:o

One guy I was interested in (a Catholic), did text me, but then he called. The whole time I kept wishing I could ask him to speak up or repeat what he said, but I was afraid that would turn him off. So I replied with general phrases, depending on the sound of his voice, but I’m afraid that made me seem aloof or something. 😦

And because I’m deaf, I miss some of the subtle clues in voice and sounds, unless I’m taught specifically what means what. :confused: And I’m embarrased to ask my friends what may seem obvious already. Thank goodness for online forums!

I know this is a big topic, but I’d appreciate any advice 🙂 Thanks
 
Holly,

A couple of things come to mind. First, I really suggest the book Date or Soul Mate by Dr. Neil Clark Warren. It’s a great book to help you really focus on why you are dating and who you are dating.

As for your deafness, that in-and-of itself is not an impediment but it seems to me the way you are trying to hide it is. Are you afraid of people’s reactions? Just tell them you are deaf and cannot talk on the phone easily. Don’t have a phone conversation that you cannot understand and pretend! If you need someone to speak up or repeat themselves then ask them!

There will be some men who decide not to pursue you because of your deafness, but that is no loss to you. The right man will not be put off by this.
 
Yes… a lot of practical advice… but practice is not everything. Some people have married and never dated and in fact, dating is a modern concept while marriage is as old as the human race. You’ve got to find a husband, but you aren’t under any obligation to date. Not dating doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. In fact, if there are no remotely viable potential candidates, not dating is the right thing being done. 🙂
1ke said:
There will be some men who decide not to pursue you because of your deafness, but that is no loss to you. The right man will not be put off by this.
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Exactly. Everyone has some qualities that will put off many people… Whoever doesn’t want us because of them, is not for us. Ergo no loss. Same with dating - if there are no guys to interest you, no loss not dating any. However, you might want to find a place or two where you’ll be more likely to find someone to suit your preferences. 🙂
 
1ke said:
As for your deafness, that in-and-of itself is not an impediment but it seems to me the way you are trying to hide it is. Are you afraid of people’s reactions? Just tell them you are deaf and cannot talk on the phone easily. Don’t have a phone conversation that you cannot understand and pretend! If you need someone to speak up or repeat themselves then ask them!
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I agree. I would try to be upfront about it. It’s better to let the guy know first before things progress. If the guy is man enough, he wouldn’t let it be an issue; otherwise, you’re better off without him, anyway. It’s something you’d want to find out soon about a person, though.
1ke said:
There will be some men who decide not to pursue you because of your deafness, but that is no loss to you. The right man will not be put off by this.
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I agree 100%.
 
I agree with others - simply explain why the phone is impractical. No biggie.

As for practical advice in meeting others, do you have any young adult groups in your area? Meeting others in groups might help you feel more at ease.

And of course, keep praying 👍
 
Hi Holly,

The best advise is honesty. Just let them know up front you are deaf. I have heard of dating groups/ mixers for deaf people. Have you thought about trying that to meet guys?

Best of Luck… The right guy will come around when you least expect it! I was 27 & thought I was** never **going to meet a nice guy. We met at a bookstore. So you never know. 🙂
 
It probably doesn’t seem so to you, but you are very young! Do not feel like you are behind because, honestly, I know good people in their 40’s who are still looking. I didn’t meet my mate till 27. The best advice I can give you is to live as fully as possible. It’s often in the midst of these pursuits that God gives us to another.

I also know Christian couples that are happily married who met online–they were usually late 20s/30s, though. I wouldn’t go there unless you feel especially prompted.

BTW - the right man won’t care at all about your hearing. He’ll think you’re the most amazing person who’s ever crossed his path and not one thing about you should change. 😉
 
Thank you, guys, for all your advice and encouragement!

Sometimes I still worry about being upfront about my deafness, because I don’t want to appear that’s the only aspect of my personality, but you guys are right. The right man won’t care about my deafness.
I should say that soon after I posted this, this guy IM’d me, and he remembered that I don’t like using phones, but he gave me his number in case I got lost on the way to the CCM meeting. And that’s when I remembered that one time, after I told him I was deaf, I was self-depricating. And he said ‘Honestly, it doesn’t matter!’ Just something I had to share! So now I know there’s definitely guys out there who don’t mind. 😃

Even if I have to wait until I’m 27 🙂

Thanks so much 😃
 
Just A Question.???

Why Don’t You Get One Of The Phones That Print Out What The Other Party Is Saying??

You Can Get Help With That…there Are Many Resources For Deaf People.

I Lost Total Hearing In One Ear When I Was 5 Years Old.
 
pyropam said:
Just A Question.???

Why Don’t You Get One Of The Phones That Print Out What The Other Party Is Saying??

You Can Get Help With That…there Are Many Resources For Deaf People.

I Lost Total Hearing In One Ear When I Was 5 Years Old.
Click to expand...
I have a TTY and a Captel phone, and both are helpful, but they both have drawbacks. The Captel has a tendency to “drop” portions of the call, and the TTY…well, it isn’t much better than IM.

I’ve utilized many resources, but just needed help and advice about being more upfront about my deafness. Which I’ve gotten plenty of! 😃 Thanks everybody!

Wow…that must have been difficult for you, to lose hearing in one ear (like George Bailey…🙂 )At least you are post-lingually deaf. I was born profoundly deaf, but my parents’ didn’t know that until I was two. It’s nice to meet another deaf person 🙂
 
Best wishes and hope you find all the grace you can get. You do sound like a wonderful girl and no Catholic man in his good senses should have a word of complaint about your hearing condition. Take care. 🙂
 
Hey Holly,
I’m just mirroring what everyone has already said but yes, don’t let your thoughts about deafness get in the way of your confidence in yourself. You need to be honest in your relationships both to yourself and the person you will be dating. Tell him (the one you date) that you cannot hear. It’s not really a big deal; sometimes we are very critical on ourselves.
If the person you like ever discriminates based on your hearing then was he really worth it? This is a good filter for you to really see which guys are worth your time and which aren’t.
 
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