I would not introduce your daughters to anyone until you are seriously dating this woman – it’s unfair to the woman and to your daughters. I would not take every woman to meet your daughters because if you break up 2 weeks later, there was no point in having them meet.Got final declaration of nullity three months ago. Don’t see dating for several more years - daughters 18 & 20 don’t seem comfortable with me even socializing with women right now. But in August 2012 they will both be away at college. Should I make sure they know about any women I get friendly (just friendly) with? And should they have a veto?
I totally agree with this!I would not introduce your daughters to anyone until you are seriously dating this woman – it’s unfair to the woman and to your daughters. I would not take every woman to meet your daughters because if you break up 2 weeks later, there was no point in having them meet.
If you have not dated in a long time, I can tell you it’s not unusual to have 2 or 3 dates with someone and just know that you really don’t see this going anywhere for any number of reasons. In other words, be a bit more sure of the woman yourself. Wait until you feel that a woman is someone you may want to include in your life more and more. No guarantees – but that you feel this relationship is worth pursuing.
It’s up to you if you allow them a veto. I would say, not so much a veto but listen to their concerns and objections because they may see something that you do not. But, that’s getting a bit ahead. When the time comes, observe how she interacts with your daughters too. If she’s that special, your daughters may want to see you happy by that point. One step at a time.
I’m sorry, is the tail wagging the dog here? Yes, you can be sensitive to your daughters, as they are at an impressionable age. You don’t say how long you have been divorced. But, ultimately, it is not your daughters’ business if you begin to see women socially.Got final declaration of nullity three months ago. Don’t see dating for several more years - daughters 18 & 20 don’t seem comfortable with me even socializing with women right now.
No.Should I make sure they know about any women I get friendly (just friendly) with?
Why on earth would they? No way.And should they have a veto?
Yes. His daughters are 18 and 20. Their father can ask them what they want. They may very much want to meet anyone that he is remotely interested in, and he may very much want their feedback. It is kind of like the young men they are dating. He wouldn’t feel a need to meet every guy they have coffee with, but might be very interested in meeting someone they’ve dated regularly. The person doing the dating has the decison of whether they care if they are or are not seen in the company of their dates, but naturally would want to know if friends and family have a preference.Since they will both be in college, they will not be part of your daily life. I would not introduce them to anyone unless the relationship is serious.
I would listen to their (name removed by moderator)ut and concerns about any relationship you have. Like you would a close friend. But you will be the one to spend the rest of your life with the person so decision and relationship is between you, God and the woman you love.
My only suggestion in regards to your daughters is to not make promises to them that you cannot keep. My wife promised hers that she would involve them in whom she dated and get their approval. She didn’t and she paid the price for years to come in regards to their relationship.Got final declaration of nullity three months ago. Don’t see dating for several more years - daughters 18 & 20 don’t seem comfortable with me even socializing with women right now. But in August 2012 they will both be away at college. Should I make sure they know about any women I get friendly (just friendly) with? And should they have a veto?
That’s not only a promise that probably can’t be kept, but one that shouldn’t be.My only suggestion in regards to your daughters is to not make promises to them that you cannot keep. My wife promised hers that she would involve them in whom she dated and get their approval. She didn’t and she paid the price for years to come in regards to their relationship.
My 2 cents
It is OK for him to hear their concerns and not wind up dating much or doing it where they will be confronted with it, because of how he decides to deal with what they say. The main thing, though, is that this needs to be his decision, based on his discernment of what the family’s situation is. Not everything that makes his girls uncomfortable or that they don’t like is bad for the family. That is as true at 18 as it was when they were 8.I’m going to be the lone dissenter here I guess. At 18 & 20 they still very much need the security of a family. Having to fit into dad’s new family is not the same thing as their family. They are not likely to find a replacement for this need with guys their own age unless they give in to the the values of the culture at large and join the crowd. It is possible that someone new could come in without messing with this, it does depend on the person, I guess what I’m saying is tread carefully and put your daughters first. That seems to be your instinct anyway if I read your post right. Girls get alot of their image of self worth from their dad.
Please don’t take offense. He can do anything he wants. It was simply a recommendation based on their ages and the fact that they have been through a divorce. The divorce fallout complicates matters in terms of their emotional security. My parents chose to give my brother and I veto power when we were only 8 and 9. It had the effect of making us really feel part of things and banished alot of possible insecurities. I think that it was easier at 8 or 9 for us, though, than it will be at 18 for these girls. That age has its own dynamics.So yes, he should ask for their (name removed by moderator)ut and listen to it, just as they ought to listen to his when they contemplate marriage. But no, he should not just assume that he can’t do anything they don’t like without violating their trust or failing as a father. That simply is not true.
IMO, the kids personalities is a major factor in determining what is best. Our kids were 17,15,13,12,11, and 10. Her middle two, 15 and 13 yo were the difficult ones.Please don’t take offense. He can do anything he wants. It was simply a recommendation based on their ages and the fact that they have been through a divorce. The divorce fallout complicates matters in terms of their emotional security. My parents chose to give my brother and I veto power when we were only 8 and 9. It had the effect of making us really feel part of things and banished alot of possible insecurities. I think that it was easier at 8 or 9 for us, though, than it will be at 18 for these girls. That age has its own dynamics.
Don’t worry, I wasn’t offended. I’m just concerned that the OP make certain that whatever he decides, the ultimate choice is his, and his to live with. How he takes his daughters’ wishes into consideration is his choice and under his control, not theirs. They will not be happier if he makes it theirs.Please don’t take offense. He can do anything he wants. It was simply a recommendation based on their ages and the fact that they have been through a divorce. The divorce fallout complicates matters in terms of their emotional security. My parents chose to give my brother and I veto power when we were only 8 and 9. It had the effect of making us really feel part of things and banished alot of possible insecurities. I think that it was easier at 8 or 9 for us, though, than it will be at 18 for these girls. That age has its own dynamics.
They chose to. They weren’t humoring us or just getting our opinion. We were sweet kids and the issue of “control” never came into it. No one in my family has ever been controlling. They chose it because they put our well being ahead of everything else, ahead of their own need, their own plans. That was their choice. We ended up being such a close and loving family that all of my friends noticed how wonderful it was at my house. We all, kids included, ended up having the type of relationship with each other that always put the others needs ahead of our own. We learned this from them. They modeled it and lived it. I never suggested veto power as a rule because every situation is different. I think that what I suggested was this; that kids are an existing prior commitment, and that first priority is not to damage the existing prior family.I think that you know it would have been different for you if you had felt you were exerting that veto power against your parents’ will at the age of 8 or 9. That is not the kind of dynamic that makes children feel secure. Rather, your parents were giving weight to your opinions of their own accord. That put the ultimate responsibility in the right hands. Your feelings were given consideration without putting you in control. When parents are free to act like parents and adults free to act like adults, that is the healthy and secure situation for everyone involved.
Explain this to them, and ask them. Their concerns may be much different than yours: that is, not that they will be left without an inheritance, but that they sense neither you nor they are ready for any more upheaval, or that you seem vulnerable to the wrong relationship. They might even feel you are vulnerable to getting into a relationship with all the same problems your first marriage had. They are not too young to be that wise.Thanks for all the comments.
My primary focus was whether I should keep them informed that I had made a friend that is a woman. For various reasons I can’t see a circumstance when I would allow such a friendship to get anywhere near “introducing to family” stage. If for no other reason than I don’t want to dilute my girls’ inheritance… it’s all I have left to leave them, and they’ve gone through enough with this disgusting divorce.