Dating ages?

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RosarioAMDG

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Hi, everyone! I just have a few questions, especially for parents of teenage daughters. 😃

My parents have informed me (somewhat in jest) that I am not allowed to date until I’m in my last few years of college and ready to start looking for a husband. I accept the fact that the main purpose of dating is to find the best candidate for a spouse. However, what I feel my mother doesn’t quite understand is that I don’t really want to “date,” I want… I suppose the best way to describe it is a “close friendship” with a boy, who holds my hand and listen to me complain when I’m sick or annoyed with school and go to the movies with me, have lunch with me, basically just spend time with me and do all the mushy-type stuff that is typically found in new, young love. (I do have a specific candidate in mind, if anyone is at all curious, which is why I bring this up 🙂 )

I haven’t been able to muster the courage to really talk to my mom about my thoughts on this. I thought I’d ask your advice first. So, my question is: what do you think of this? Do you say no dating until college? As a parent, what type of relationship would you be comfortable with your daughter having in high school?

Thanks!

Rose
 
I recommended to my daughters to wait at least until college, preferably until after they had their college degrees to start dating.
What you described is dating. I think a better alternative is doing things in groups where there is a mix of young adult boys and girls…even in college. Dating, which I like to call “courting” is really about finding a marriage partner with the intention of starting a family. Lots of young people get involved in courting too early and then go thru lots of emotional pain because then they often find themselves having to decide between furthering their degree, or even getting their degree, or getting married. Also, one of the couple often gets hurt because the other one, often the male, decides that they want to go to graduate school some distance away, and breaks off the relationship which by that time has already blossomed. Take your time and get to know yourself first, get your degree, and even start your career before undertaking courting and marriage…that way you will have things “ready” to start a beautiful and healthy marriage that you can truly focus on. Also, try to talk to your parents openly about this…it is worth it!!! Blessings!
 
I tell my daughter : When she has a degree, a Nobel prize and has represented Canada at the Olympics!

I might be open to a little compromise - but only a little!😛
 
rainbow1 said:
I recommended to my daughters to wait at least until college, preferably until after they had their college degrees to start dating.
What you described is dating. I think a better alternative is doing things in groups where there is a mix of young adult boys and girls…even in college. Dating, which I like to call “courting” is really about finding a marriage partner with the intention of starting a family. Lots of young people get involved in courting too early and then go thru lots of emotional pain because then they often find themselves having to decide between furthering their degree, or even getting their degree, or getting married. Also, one of the couple often gets hurt because the other one, often the male, decides that they want to go to graduate school some distance away, and breaks off the relationship which by that time has already blossomed. Take your time and get to know yourself first, get your degree, and even start your career before undertaking courting and marriage…that way you will have things “ready” to start a beautiful and healthy marriage that you can truly focus on. Also, try to talk to your parents openly about this…it is worth it!!! Blessings!
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I agree with this comment 100%. I have two grown daughters, one married and one not, and they were raised to recognize the purpose of courting. Our married daughter has chosen well, and the other is still searching for someone who shares her values.

DGB
 
Many kids first start thinking about dating around, say, Middle School.

Then there’s High School.

Nowadays, it seems College has become “mandatory.”

Of course, once you’re out of that, there’s a Master’s Degree.

Now go back and get a Doctorate!

Now that you’re like 40 years old, you can date. But most of the people your age are taken.

It’s ridiculous how much effort people go through to dissuade people from dating/marriage. What’s more surprising is that Catholics are just as fervent in their disapproval as others! Some day, our culture will say you need not one but two PHD’s before you even consider dating! LOL!!!
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Many kids first start thinking about dating around, say, Middle School.

Then there’s High School.

Nowadays, it seems College has become “mandatory.”

Of course, once you’re out of that, there’s a Master’s Degree.

Now go back and get a Doctorate!

Now that you’re like 40 years old, you can date. But most of the people your age are taken.

It’s ridiculous how much effort people go through to dissuade people from dating/marriage. What’s more surprising is that Catholics are just as fervent in their disapproval as others! Some day, our culture will say you need not one but two PHD’s before you even consider dating! LOL!!!
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Ex-Perzackerly!😃
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Many kids first start thinking about dating around, say, Middle School.

Then there’s High School.

Nowadays, it seems College has become “mandatory.”

Of course, once you’re out of that, there’s a Master’s Degree.

Now go back and get a Doctorate!

Now that you’re like 40 years old, you can date. But most of the people your age are taken.

It’s ridiculous how much effort people go through to dissuade people from dating/marriage. What’s more surprising is that Catholics are just as fervent in their disapproval as others! Some day, our culture will say you need not one but two PHD’s before you even consider dating! LOL!!!
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It typically doesn’t take until you are 40 to get a doctorate, but hey, if someone is that challenged mentally, then they probably should not consider marriage until they are at least 45!:D:D:D:D:D
 
rainbow1 said:
It typically doesn’t take until you are 40 to get a doctorate, but hey, if someone is that challenged mentally, then they probably should not consider marriage until they are at least 45!:D:D:D:D:D
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Exaggerations notwithstanding, I think my point is still a good one. We keep pushing back marriage later and later and later… 'till men are past their prime and women already well into it.

That is just as much of a problem as sexual sin IMO. The culture (even within the Church community) does not embrace marriage, it cowers from it. Just IMO.
 
I have had to alter my stance somewhat. I’d like one of my sons to consider at least going out with a girl before he graduates from college. The other one, well…He could tone things down a little bit. He still acquires girlfriends too easily.

Let’s see…you didn’t say just how old you are. If you are 16, group dating would be OK with me. If you are 17, and have group dated for a while, and I have met the boy, and met his parents, then you could probably go on a one to one date with him. But if things started getting too serious, you’d have to back off somewhat. And if any grades started going down or your attitude changed, then all bets would be off.

That is assuming that you had already vowed to stay chaste until marriage, and if I had no other reason to distrust you.

HTH,
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Exaggerations notwithstanding, I think my point is still a good one. We keep pushing back marriage later and later and later… 'till men are past their prime and women already well into it.

That is just as much of a problem as sexual sin IMO. The culture (even within the Church community) does not embrace marriage, it cowers from it. Just IMO.
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I agree with you. It is hard to stay chaste until you are 25. Younger marriages used to be common. Many young men today would do well with more responsibility instead of staying immature into their 20’s.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I agree with you. It is hard to stay chaste until you are 25. Younger marriages used to be common. Many young men today would do well with more responsibility instead of staying immature into their 20’s.
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In fairness, today’s economy often does require many to be schooled well into their 20’s. Now they may have work during these times, but probably not as much (or as high paying) as needed to fully provide for a family (kids and all.)

I think part of the problem is the notion that a young married couple cannot live with their parents or other family members before striking it out on their own. I see nothing wrong with this practice at all, provided the family is amenable to it (and I think they should be, within reason.)

There’s nothing written in stone that says that a couple can’t be married, and yes, even bear a child without owning their own home… especially if the only thing preventing them is 2 or 3 years of college (master’s, doctorate, etc.)
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Exaggerations notwithstanding, I think my point is still a good one. We keep pushing back marriage later and later and later… 'till men are past their prime and women already well into it.

That is just as much of a problem as sexual sin IMO. The culture (even within the Church community) does not embrace marriage, it cowers from it. Just IMO.
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Actually our problem with our understanding of the history of marriage is that for about a century, our medium average age for getting married never went above the medium age it had been in 1890. We actually went through an age dip between 1890 and 1979. As such, because our parents and our grandparents married young, and because we’ve heard of cultures where girls were married when they were 14, we think its just been steadily climbing when its had dips and valleys throughout history.
 
There is no reason to be doing “mushy stuff” just for fun. Our culture sees dating as entertainment. It is not supposed to be.
  1. Discern your vocation. If you have not considered religious life, you should do so. The Evangelical Counsels of chastity,poverty, obedience are an invitation extended to everyone, although not all accept. They offer the easiest and most direct path to heaven. If you are a man, and have considered religious life and don’t believe you are called, consider the priesthood.
  2. If you discern that you are called to married life, determine if you are able to be married in the present or near future (within a year). That means, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially. Do you understand the primary and secondary purporse of marriage? Are you prepared for having children and raising them?
  3. Ok, so you believe you are called to marriage and are ready for it’s obligations. You may court someone who is also called and also ready. There is still no need for “mushy stuff”- kissing or anything further at least until you are engaged and even then it must remain chaste and rare.
That will be my advice to my children, and since you asked I’ve extended it to you. You’ll note age never came up. The age one is ready to be married can vary a great deal. I believe the current law of the Church is a minimum age of 17 for men and 15 for ladies. Some are ready at that age. Some are never ready. I think it’s better to marry a good spouse young than a good spouse old, but better to marry a good spouse old than a bad spouse young 🙂

Courtships, including engagements should be as long as necessary and no longer. If you or the other person determine you are not going to be married…end the courtship immediately because it has served it’s purpose. If you discern you are going to get married, set a date and get married.

Courtship presents many occasions for sin, even for those who are very careful and virtuous. If you are called to marriage the occasion is an necessary one that has to be dealt with as safely as possible. If you are not called to marriage it is an occassion to be avoided.

I’d recommend the book Clean Love in Courtship by Fr. Lovasik, published by TAN books for a good Catholic summary of the purpose, perils, and prize of courtship/dating.

Pax Christi and God bless
 
Dan_Daly said:
There is no reason to be doing “mushy stuff” just for fun. Our culture sees dating as entertainment. It is not supposed to be.
  1. Discern your vocation. If you have not considered religious life, you should do so. The Evangelical Counsels of chastity,poverty, obedience are an invitation extended to everyone, although not all accept. They offer the easiest and most direct path to heaven. If you are a man, and have considered religious life and don’t believe you are called, consider the priesthood.
  2. If you discern that you are called to married life, determine if you are able to be married in the present or near future (within a year). That means, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially. Do you understand the primary and secondary purporse of marriage? Are you prepared for having children and raising them?
  3. Ok, so you believe you are called to marriage and are ready for it’s obligations. You may court someone who is also called and also ready. There is still no need for “mushy stuff”- kissing or anything further at least until you are engaged and even then it must remain chaste and rare.
That will be my advice to my children, and since you asked I’ve extended it to you. You’ll note age never came up. The age one is ready to be married can vary a great deal. I believe the current law of the Church is a minimum age of 17 for men and 15 for ladies. Some are ready at that age. Some are never ready. I think it’s better to marry a good spouse young than a good spouse old, but better to marry a good spouse old than a bad spouse young 🙂

Courtships, including engagements should be as long as necessary and no longer. If you or the other person determine you are not going to be married…end the courtship immediately because it has served it’s purpose. If you discern you are going to get married, set a date and get married.

Courtship presents many occasions for sin, even for those who are very careful and virtuous. If you are called to marriage the occasion is an necessary one that has to be dealt with as safely as possible. If you are not called to marriage it is an occassion to be avoided.

I’d recommend the book Clean Love in Courtship by Fr. Lovasik, published by TAN books for a good Catholic summary of the purpose, perils, and prize of courtship/dating.

Pax Christi and God bless
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VeritasLuxMea said:
Exaggerations notwithstanding, I think my point is still a good one. We keep pushing back marriage later and later and later… 'till men are past their prime and women already well into it.

That is just as much of a problem as sexual sin IMO. The culture (even within the Church community) does not embrace marriage, it cowers from it. Just IMO.
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To be honest, you are right. My parents married in their early 20’s. My dad had 3 kids by the time he was 25. He later went to night school and became an engineer.

It’s not getting married that screws up your higher education and career tracks, it’s messy dating, with break-ups and angst fueled bad decisions that can throw your future off track. That’s what scares me for my kids.
 
I don’t think it is a reason to date and get married young to prevent issues with chastity because I think we are all called to learn to live holy and chaste lives. If you marry young to prevent yourself from being in sexual sin, then you likely will have issues being faithful within the context of marriage from never having learned to be chaste. And all marriages have times where you must not have sexual relationships with your spouse, especially holy Catholic ones.
As far as dating before degrees are finished, I suppose it depends on what type of degree. If you plan to be a doctor, or your spouse does, then likely it would be near impossible to be available as a responsible spouse during that education format. I believe it wise for any woman to have at least a bachelor’s degree. What if you end up with six children and your young husband dies of cancer? You will need to be able to support any children you have by yourself. In this day of age it is hard to support children off of only a high school education, especially if one spouse is deceased. And early death does happen alot, although sometimes people unfortunately don’t consider the possiblility of it.
All sorts of heartbreak happen when people date and one person wants marriage and the other doesnt. It really isn’t fair to your partner to lead them on if you don’t intend to consider marriage.
 
A catholic shouldn’t date. Having any fun with a person of a different gender at any time in life is the gravest of all sins. Even thinking of dating is truly an unforgivable sin.
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Exaggerations notwithstanding, I think my point is still a good one. We keep pushing back marriage later and later and later… 'till men are past their prime and women already well into it.

That is just as much of a problem as sexual sin IMO. The culture (even within the Church community) does not embrace marriage, it cowers from it. Just IMO.
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I completely agree with your point!

Take it from a seminarian’s point of view-

If you are being called to the priesthood, you don’t just finish your time in school and seminary and then think “Well now that that is out of the way, I should focus on becoming a priest!” Instead you spend time discerning and you go through seminary (like a person would go through dating) to figure out if the church is truly the spouse you desire. If a man can begin discerning the priesthood in the latter years of high school then I believe high school-aged kids should be able to date- so long as they understand it is ordered to discern what they desire in a future spouse.

I think the perception and ideals behind dating have been twisted by society, but when dating is performed correctly it brings a holier meaning to the actions that take place.

God bless,
Joshua
 
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