Dating ages?

[Kit15]

My mom really had no issues with teen dating (no going out alone until having a driver’s license). She’s of the mind that she’d rather her daughters start this process of dealing with the opposite sex while they are still living under her roof and she can still exercise control over the situation. Marriage itself can wait a while.

One of my sisters has already dated two young men who were bad news. One was obvious bad news due to his immaturity (and she knew it). He was good to her but if my sister flipped off the deep end, he was a ready and willing accomplice. It didn’t take her too long to realize that he was not what she was looking for.

The other was a very subtle bad news. “Good” Catholic boy, very prayerful, theologically smart, committed to chastity…but *very *controlling. He didn’t want her talking to certain people if he didn’t think they were of a certain moral fiber, which she obliged (she’s heavily involved in the arts and has several friends who are homosexual). In matters of religion he spoke to her in a condescending tone that she accepted because he was so much more knowledgeable than her. Things finally reached their peak when after an argument regarding the proper raising of children, it became clear to all but her that he had an unhealthy view of what it meant for a wife to be subject to her husband and the relationship was abusive. My father was dangerously close to throwing him out and banning him from the house (to date he’s the only boy so far to receive such consideration). But my sister was so blinded by the fact that he was a “good Catholic boy” (and he played that “you’re not going to find someone as good as me” card against her) that she very well could have followed him to the alter had she been on her own and outside of her parents influence. Fortunately my mom was able to get though to her but it took days of constant arguing. She wasn’t a “crazy hormonal teen” during all of this. She was already in her 20’s

 

[x0stephanie]

I started dating my husband in 12th grade and we got married a few years later. I think dating in junior high/middle school would be pointless though.

 

[dixieagle]

To be honest, you are right. My parents married in their early 20’s. My dad had 3 kids by the time he was 25. He later went to night school and became an engineer.

It’s not getting married that screws up your higher education and career tracks, it’s messy dating, with break-ups and angst fueled bad decisions that can throw your future off track. That’s what scares me for my kids.

You’re so right! Our two girls both married fine Catholic husbands in their early 20s. Older dd and her dh have since completed an M.A. and a Ph.D., respectively, and younger dd and her dh are both currently in grad school and have had a baby. Second SIL will likely go to med school when dd finishes her audiology doctoral program. We are delighted to help out with babysitting whenever necessary.

If you find the right person, it will work out. You don’t need to have it all when you start out.

 

[Wackotrad]

It’s ridiculous how much effort people go through to dissuade people from dating/marriage. What’s more surprising is that Catholics are just as fervent in their disapproval as others! Some day, our culture will say you need not one but two PHD’s before you even consider dating! LOL!!!

Your example is amusingly exaggerated, but I am one of those people. I frown heavily on people getting married in their early 20s, and I have told my kids (only halfway joking) that they shouldn’t get married before the age of 30.

I don’t know why, how or when young people became less mature and more self-centered than their peers from many decades ago, but it’s happened. Most people in their early 20s just aren’t ready for marriage, and almost every divorced person I know was married before the age of 25 or 26.

 

[joshvanrad]

Your example is amusingly exaggerated, but I am one of those people. I frown heavily on people getting married in their early 20s, and I have told my kids (only halfway joking) that they shouldn’t get married before the age of 30.

I don’t know why, how or when young people became less mature and more self-centered than their peers from many decades ago, but it’s happened. Most people in their early 20s just aren’t ready for marriage, and almost every divorced person I know was married before the age of 25 or 26.

This is exactly what I was talking about and completely unfair to assume that all young people are like that.

If a child is raised properly in the catholic church and was taught their catechism, then by age 20 they should have the spiritual knowledge to begin to be an adult.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I have two daughters- 15 and 20. My rules to them about dating are based on their demonstrated judgement, personalities, my assesment of them and what I am comfortable with. My rules for them are irrelevant to you, I’m responsible for them just as your parents are responsible for you.

I would deeply resent anyone interfering with my relationship with them. So, I’m assuming your parents would feel the same about you approaching them with comments from a stranger from the internet.

Your folks are responsible for you. You do need to talk to them because they are obligated to fulfill that responsibility to the best of their ability, including their knowledge of you. Regardless of what anyone else’s rules are, or what other people think are correct.

 

[EasterJoy]

Rose, I will ask you the question I wish I had known to ask myself at your age: Has it occurred to you that what you are describing is not a man’s idea of an ideal life?

It is not typical for young men to want to find a young woman so they can go out to the movies and lunch with her, wile away the hours doing nothing in particular, and listen to her complain so that they can hold her hand through the travails of her life. That’s what friends are for…especially girl friends. In fact, you will find that a great many men would prefer that you take problems that you don’t want solved to your girl friends instead of to them, even after marriage.

When men have problems that have no solutions, they tend to clam up and play basketball. Not all, but this is the tendency. When the time comes that the problem reaches some solution, then they talk about what a drag the whole thing was. This is why they talk far more about ex-wives and ex-girlfriends than about “relationship issues” they are currently having, and not very much about any of that.

For many (not all) men, what you are describing is work, with the added task of holding off the natural impulse to claim you irrevocably as his own in marriage, have children, and build a life with you. That claim-you-love-you-parent-with-you-build-with-you is what gives savor to a man asked to do what you’re asking for. This is not to say that you can’t date before you are within a year of putting a wedding ring on, but just to say that it isn’t wise to underestimate the trials and frustrations that await those who find their spouse many years before marriage is possible. You’re asking a lot of that poor guy…and of yourself, too, if you only knew it. Women have God-given natural urges, too. (Why do you think any woman goes through pregnancy twice? )

Before you plunge into finding yourself a man who is more to you than a friend, consider what you are willing to offer him, as well as the trials that you are asking for him to go through with you. Once you do that, I think you’ll see the wisdom in staying in the realm of “just friends.” That way, the period of waiting involved in courtship will not stretch out into a period of unremitting frustration that nature never intended. I started dating when I was 16, and I surely wish that I had waited. Much gnashing of teeth would have been saved.

 

[EasterJoy]

If a child is raised properly in the catholic church and was taught their catechism, then by age 20 they should have the spiritual knowledge to begin to be an adult.

That does not mean they have the economic opportunity to support a family in any particular case. Even a young man or woman who is not destined for college will usually need years of work experience before progressing to a position where their wages will support a family. If marriage has to be held off for so long, then it is wise for dating to be held off, as well.

 

[joshvanrad]

That does not mean they have the economic opportunity to support a family in any particular case. Even a young man or woman who is not destined for college will usually need years of work experience before progressing to a position where their wages will support a family. If marriage has to be held off for so long, then it is wise for dating to be held off, as well.

But age used to have little to do with dating. My grand parents got married when my grandma was 18. They were married for 55 years before my grandma passed away, and they raised 8 children in a two bedroom house. That practice used to be acceptable.

What was once the rule is now the exception, but I blame the parents due to lack of teaching as much as I blame the kids of modern times. Marriage isn’t as much about doing right by ourselves as it is doing right by God and his will.

I don’t know exactly what my point is here, but I think it would be unfair to claim that anyone under the age of 24 would be unfit for dating.

God bless,
Joshua

 

[triumphguy]

But age used to have little to do with dating. My grand parents got married when my grandma was 18. They were married for 55 years before my grandma passed away, and they raised 8 children in a two bedroom house. That practice used to be acceptable.

You’re right - it’s a materialistic society that says a couple have to date for years, and then shack up so they can save up for the house of their dreams and all the furniture, and plan for an expensive wedding in Hawaii. Meanwhile putting off commitment, and the openness to kids that marriage entails.

People are divorcing because they are immature, their expectations for “happiness” are too high, and they are not willing to tough it out, not necessarily because they are too young.

 

[ChelleyD]

I tell my daughter : When she has a degree, a Nobel prize and has represented Canada at the Olympics!

I might be open to a little compromise - but only a little!

My dad used to tell my sister and me that we could date when we were 33! Would that I had listened to him and I wouldn’t have married at 21 and divorced at 28. Since then I met my DH, we’ve been married for almost 12 years, and have two children (8 & 10). I met DH when I was 32, and married at 33.

All kidding aside though, listen to your parents, OP. Ask them why they feel the way they do about dating. You might learn something! (Sometimes we parents do know things. )

 

[ChelleyD]

A catholic shouldn’t date. Having any fun with a person of a different gender at any time in life is the gravest of all sins. Even thinking of dating is truly an unforgivable sin.

WOW! I’m going to assume your intended sarcasm didn’t come through in this post, because otherwise…

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

No dating till you are ready for marriage, and that dating should be according to GOD’s law (i.e., no kiss/touch/lust/sex).

LOL… what? Don’t kiss or even touch each other? Good luck with that!

 

[RosarioAMDG]

Wow! I truly did not expect to have such an overwhelming amount of replies to this!

Thank you all for your opinions. I suppose, after reading everything you’ve all said and really thinking about it as best I can, I really should hold off, at least for a few more years.

As a matter of fact, I have given much thought to my vocation and have been praying for guidance since an excellent retreat I went on in early 2011. Being the eldest of an unusually (nowadays) large family, I certainly feel most comfortable with the idea of marriage and family life because it’s what I know. However, I recently met a young woman who recently made her final vows as a religious sister, and I look forward to discussions with her on her own experiences with the religious life.

While I respectfully disagree with Owlpride, I hope everything you all have said will really stay with me as I age and mature. Thank you and I do plan to try to talk to my mom about what the actual rules might be (since as of now, I have only received joking answers ranging from the ages of 27-35 ).

God bless!
Rose

 

[EasterJoy]

But age used to have little to do with dating. My grand parents got married when my grandma was 18. They were married for 55 years before my grandma passed away, and they raised 8 children in a two bedroom house. That practice used to be acceptable.

What was once the rule is now the exception, but I blame the parents due to lack of teaching as much as I blame the kids of modern times. Marriage isn’t as much about doing right by ourselves as it is doing right by God and his will.

I don’t know exactly what my point is here, but I think it would be unfair to claim that anyone under the age of 24 would be unfit for dating.

God bless,
Joshua

In every age, young men hoping to marry did not approach a girl’s family when he had no “prospects”: that is, no way of supporting a family. The 18 year old in our times who can fairly expect to support a family and had otherwise attained maturity could go looking for a spouse. It isn’t about age, but it has always been about the ability to fulfill the requirements of marriage, including supporting the material needs of the children. Nowadays, it is simply more difficult to have decent prospects while one is still in one’s teens.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

In every age, young men hoping to marry did not approach a girl’s family when he had no “prospects”: that is, no way of supporting a family. The 18 year old in our times who can fairly expect to support a family and had otherwise attained maturity could go looking for a spouse. It isn’t about age, but it has always been about the ability to fulfill the requirements of marriage, including supporting the material needs of the children. Nowadays, it is simply more difficult to have decent prospects while one is still in one’s teens.

Then again, nowadays, women work as well. It is not solely the husband’s responsibility to earn all the income necessarily.

 

[EasterJoy]

Then again, nowadays, women work as well. It is not solely the husband’s responsibility to earn all the income necessarily.

Thank you for that clarification! Yes, it is wise that both women and men have some marketable skills or some kind of a work history before they look to marry, whether or not the couple elects to have a two wage-earner arrangement. It gives the couple options that their grandparents didn’t often have, but could often have used.

Besides, while work experience at a job that goes a mere 40 or 50 hours a week hardly gets one ready for the demands of being a stay-at-home parent, it doesn’t hurt, either! It’s not as if opting out of the work force before the kids come is going to make toilet-training into a glamour job!

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Thank you for that clarification! Yes, it is wise that both women and men have some marketable skills or some kind of a work history before they look to marry, whether or not the couple elects to have a two wage-earner arrangement. It gives the couple options that their grandparents didn’t often have, but could often have used.

Besides, while work experience at a job that goes a mere 40 or 50 hours a week hardly gets one ready for the demands of being a stay-at-home parent, it doesn’t hurt, either! It’s not as if opting out of the work force before the kids come is going to make toilet-training into a glamour job!

I’m just jealous of all the men here who earn enough to allow their wives to keep the house. I know my wife would want to do so if we could afford that.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m just jealous of all the men here who earn enough to allow their wives to keep the house. I know my wife would want to do so if we could afford that.

“…earn enough to allow their wives to keep the house”…I hope you mean that you both would prefer that your wife could be a full-time homemaker, and not that you wish you were wealthy enough that she could clean you out in a divorce!

I am not in the camp that believes the full-time homemaker to be the universally optimal arrangement–I think these are things for couples to work out between themselves–but it is nice to have to have the option of choosing the arrangement that suits the spouses best.

 

[NSFrame]

My take on this is that 16 is a perfectly reasonable age to begin dating in the way that you describe. Waiting until the later part of college is simply waiting too long.

Learning about adult situations while still at home with your parents, where things can be controlled and guided, is best. You don’t want to be 21-22 years old and now feel like you are starting from scratch when everyone else your age will have several years of dating under their belts. This could really hinder your confidence and cause you to not recognize potentially emotionally damaging situations - such as being “taken” by a guy who turns out to only be interested in one thing, and on the first date…or being overly subservient to a controlling guy and be in a long, difficult-to-leave relationship…or a number of other situations.