Dating an agnostic

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Lucky_hunter

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I know this has been discussed a few times a while back but I’d still like some advice. I recently stated to date this wonderful girl I met at school. Her mom is a Morman but my girlfriend is not involved in that church besides just taking her grandfather to mass when he wants to go. She does not associate herself with any religion but she still has very good morals.

Back when we first started talking, we talked about me being Catholic and certain things I had to do such as attending church, being married in the church and raising my kids Catholic. She was very accepting of this and had 0 problems with this. Just recently, I asked her if she would go to church with me and she said she had no problem doing that. I also threw out the question of if she’d ever become Catholic and her response was she already has good morals in her opinion and religion was not necessary for her to live a positive life. She also said she was unsure if a God exists but she also said she is not the one to determine that.

So what does everyone think of this situation? I feel as if I have been very clear on what I need to do on my part of things being a Catholic and she accepted that 100% from what I can tell. I know this is not an ideal situation and I have read other “horror” stories from people in similar situations but the other people in those situations did not seem very accepting as my girlfriend has been to me.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers.
 
Lucky_hunter said:
I know this has been discussed a few times a while back but I’d still like some advice. I recently stated to date this wonderful girl I met at school. Her mom is a Morman but my girlfriend is not involved in that church besides just taking her grandfather to mass when he wants to go. She does not associate herself with any religion but she still has very good morals.

Back when we first started talking, we talked about me being Catholic and certain things I had to do such as attending church, being married in the church and raising my kids Catholic. She was very accepting of this and had 0 problems with this. Just recently, I asked her if she would go to church with me and she said she had no problem doing that. I also threw out the question of if she’d ever become Catholic and her response was she already has good morals in her opinion and religion was not necessary for her to live a positive life. She also said she was unsure if a God exists but she also said she is not the one to determine that.

So what does everyone think of this situation? I feel as if I have been very clear on what I need to do on my part of things being a Catholic and she accepted that 100% from what I can tell. I know this is not an ideal situation and I have read other “horror” stories from people in similar situations but the other people in those situations did not seem very accepting as my girlfriend has been to me.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers.
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Sometimes everyone is accepting until children become involved. I’m currious, do you ever discuss deeper issues. Your belief in sin and repentance? The Eucharist? How to attain heaven. Because as a spouse part of your jobs is to help the other achieve sainthood.
Is she open to conversion?
 
I think it is a lonely road ahead when one person in a marriage doesn’t believe in God and the other one wants to live out a marriage vocation, raising up a godly children.
 
She said she doesn’t have the desire to be part of any church right now. But she said she would go to church with me and has no problems having the kids being raised Catholic. I also believe she was very sincere about this as we talked about this before we even started dating so I don’t think she is saying that to just please me.
 
It could work where she is so willing to even attend church with you. My concerns would be further on down the line. She may be willing to attend church with you right now, but is that because she wants to impress you right now? It’s been my observation that when one parent is agnostic/atheist, the kids do not tend to grow up to have a firm religion when they reach adulthood.
 
Lucky_hunter said:
She said she doesn’t have the desire to be part of any church right now. But she said she would go to church with me and has no problems having the kids being raised Catholic. I also believe she was very sincere about this as we talked about this before we even started dating so I don’t think she is saying that to just please me.
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But what if she is just saying this?

that would be terrible, for you and for your children.
It’s not worth it.
There are so many nice Catholic young women out there.
Hold out for someone that shares your faith.
Be patient.
 
Brother, I hate to point you here, but go to the “Traditionalist” part of the forum and check out the Baptism question about a child of divorce. Just ask yourself, are you ready for that 10-15 years down the line? I wasn’t, and now my life is miserable. I can’t find a Catholc girl for beans, mid-30s, starting over with females, and church has some slim pickings. Think about it.
 
Do what your heart tells you to. If you love her, stay with her. Do not let these traditionalists tell you different.
 
TheTrinitySaves said:
Do what your heart tells you to. If you love her, stay with her. Do not let these traditionalists tell you different.
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Just going to point out that I’m not a traditionalist, but there are concerns with this situation.
 
My two cents - There is a very big difference in a person who respects your beliefs and one who actually shares them.
 
kptrs said:
My two cents - There is a very big difference in a person who respects your beliefs and one who actually shares them.
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Why do you say that? I personally believe just because someone isn’t Catholic doesn’t mean they are a bad person or have bad morals. Is this what I prefer? No, not really but its hard for me to not be with someone that I love dearly because they don’t see religion the exact same as I do while she is doing just about everything she can to come to a compromise to keep me happy while still allowing me to fulfill my duties as a Catholic.
 
Lucky_hunter said:
Why do you say that? I personally believe just because someone isn’t Catholic doesn’t mean they are a bad person or have bad morals. Is this what I prefer? No, not really but its hard for me to not be with someone that I love dearly because they don’t see religion the exact same as I do while she is doing just about everything she can to come to a compromise to keep me happy while still allowing me to fulfill my duties as a Catholic.
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You have a kid. That kid gets to be about 13. Kid starts having doubts about the Catholic Church and religion. Kid asks your agnostic wife about it. Does she lie about her beliefs and defend the Church’s position or does she tell the truth and essentially validate that child’s doubts?
 
WingsOfEagles said:
You have a kid. That kid gets to be about 13. Kid starts having doubts about the Catholic Church and religion. Kid asks your agnostic wife about it. Does she lie about her beliefs and defend the Church’s position or does she tell the truth and essentially validate that child’s doubts?
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I think a situation like that comes down to her commitment to me and my faith. From what she tells me, she has 0 problems raising kids in the Catholic faith. She has nothing against Catholics but she just doesn’t want to be tied down by a religion from what she says. I understand this is all “she says this and she said that” but I do have an enormous amount of trust with her. We communicate very well with each other about everything. It might sound like I am just trying to defend her but I feel like its hard to portray what she is actually doing in this situation.
 
Lucky_hunter said:
I think a situation like that comes down to her commitment to me and my faith. From what she tells me, she has 0 problems raising kids in the Catholic faith. She has nothing against Catholics but she just doesn’t want to be tied down by a religion from what she says. I understand this is all “she says this and she said that” but I do have an enormous amount of trust with her. We communicate very well with each other about everything. It might sound like I am just trying to defend her but I feel like its hard to portray what she is actually doing in this situation.
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I think you need to figure out what “raise the kids Catholic” truly means to her. Quite often to a non-Catholic that means “sure, we can go to a Catholic Church”. Older children will tend to figure out if their mother is an agnostic.
 
WingsOfEagles said:
I think you need to figure out what “raise the kids Catholic” truly means to her. Quite often to a non-Catholic that means “sure, we can go to a Catholic Church”. Older children will tend to figure out if their mother is an agnostic.
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I think that is a fair question to ask. I also think her and I have had some good conversations about it so far. It will definitely be a work in progress to hone things out with this. We are in no rush in our relationship and we are just enjoying each others company at this point. She’s very easy to talk to and communicate with. But I also will be praying for God to come into her life and make it known to her how important this is and show her His love and mercy.
 
Lucky_hunter said:
I think that is a fair question to ask. I also think her and I have had some good conversations about it so far. It will definitely be a work in progress to hone things out with this. We are in no rush in our relationship and we are just enjoying each others company at this point. She’s very easy to talk to and communicate with. But I also will be praying for God to come into her life and make it known to her how important this is and show her His love and mercy.
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It sounds like you are aware of the potential issue and are proceeding slowly, so I think that’s fine. Nothing wrong with getting to know a person and then deciding.
 
The salient issue is what to you entails raising your kids Catholic. Just going to mass or is it more than that?

Prior to when my wife and I married, she went through RCIA and we regularly attended mass. Our first child was born and not much changed (weekly mass attendance continued, not much else).

Life took it’s twists and turns and I have taken a much deeper dive, as they say, into the faith. I don’t know what ultimately works in terms of keeping kids in the faith but I know what doesn’t: wish washy Catholicism in which one hour on Sunday is just another box to check but means nothing during the week.

We now say grace before meals, pray before bedtime and read two books each night (at least four nights per week one of the two books is a Christian children’s book and the other nights we always read a one page story and prayer about a saint from the Ignstius Press “Catholic Saints for Children” book). We also teach RE on Wednesdays which means our daughter not taking a dance class in which several people say our daughter just must be involved. And we’re starting to get involved with charity work when possible. Am I doing right by my kids? I don’t know but I hope so.

Another thread regarding a similar situation included a comment in which the opening poster’s girlfriend said that she doesn’t want to shove religion down their potential childrens’ throats. Well, that’s a nice sentiment and all but if one truly believes in Christ and the teachings of the Bible then there’s nothing more important than giving your kids one hell of a dose of religion as their eternal life depends on it…and you. And so does your eternal life for that matter. I don’t want to stand before God and say “I know the children you placed in my charge turned atheist but what was I supposed to do, share with them as much truth as possible?”. This is not to say that my kids or the children of any other faithful Catholic may not turn out to be atheist, agnostic, another denomination or part of a different faith. But I would rather be able to answer that I tried my darndest and failed than to tell our father that I let his kids suffer eternal damnation because I didn’t want to hammer the faith home.

I think these are the questions with which you need to grapple. I was blessed with a believing wife who was raised in a non-Catholic Christian but not practicing home, is open minded and loves the Church more each day. The beginnings of your relationship sound a lot like mine except my wife was not agnostic. But then she was also very steadfast in saying that if she heard anything to which she couldn’t or wouldn’t consent to at RCIA, she would not complete the program (in contrast to the person you’re dating who doesn’t believe in God or the church but will go along to get along…for now).

The salient point is that you might want to consider what her reaction will be if you either:
  1. Practice in a tepid way: mass on most Sundays, grace before Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter meals;
  2. Turn ice cold: reject the faith and God in totality;
  3. Turn on fire for the faith: take it from me, it can and does happen and it can be very overwhelming for a spouse, even one who is faith-filled because it can be intense and consuming.
    At this point, at this,point, it seems as if she’s okay with scenario 1, might prefer scenario 2 and may take great issue with scenario 3.
Tough call. 🤷
 
Lucky_hunter said:
Why do you say that? I personally believe just because someone isn’t Catholic doesn’t mean they are a bad person or have bad morals. Is this what I prefer? No, not really but its hard for me to not be with someone that I love dearly because they don’t see religion the exact same as I do while she is doing just about everything she can to come to a compromise to keep me happy while still allowing me to fulfill my duties as a Catholic.
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I never said people who aren’t Catholic are bad people with bad morals. You’re being very defensive here when there’s no need to be. Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind about these things. Why ask for advice at all? 🤷
 
Lucky_hunter said:
I know this has been discussed a few times a while back but I’d still like some advice. I recently stated to date this wonderful girl I met at school. Her mom is a Morman but my girlfriend is not involved in that church besides just taking her grandfather to mass when he wants to go. She does not associate herself with any religion but she still has very good morals.

Back when we first started talking, we talked about me being Catholic and certain things I had to do such as attending church, being married in the church and raising my kids Catholic. She was very accepting of this and had 0 problems with this. Just recently, I asked her if she would go to church with me and she said she had no problem doing that. I also threw out the question of if she’d ever become Catholic and her response was she already has good morals in her opinion and religion was not necessary for her to live a positive life. She also said she was unsure if a God exists but she also said she is not the one to determine that.

So what does everyone think of this situation? I feel as if I have been very clear on what I need to do on my part of things being a Catholic and she accepted that 100% from what I can tell. I know this is not an ideal situation and I have read other “horror” stories from people in similar situations but the other people in those situations did not seem very accepting as my girlfriend has been to me.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers.
Click to expand...
Start with taking her to Mass and talk about what she thought about the experience. You should also read up on the catechism so you can answer her questions and discuss your faith.
 
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