C
Cristiano
Guest
Only the ones with blue eyes are acceptable to us.
- Status
G
GEddie
Guest
I’ve known a number if atheists. None have been fairly describable as “hateful,” although in all but one case, there was personal baggage involved in their belief ie they “felt” rather than “thought” their way to atheism.
I wouldn’t consider a relationship with someone in that mindframe just because I would not want to inherit that baggage.
ICXC NIKA.
I wouldn’t consider a relationship with someone in that mindframe just because I would not want to inherit that baggage.
ICXC NIKA.
S
Sapphiregirl
Guest
I’m sorry, I just had to register and respond to this.
These two people should not be together because they do not have the same views on sex. He views it as necessary for a relationship, she doesn’t. And that’s fine that they have different views on sex.
However, feeling that sex, and sexual intimacy is a necessary part of a relationship does not make him evil, or cruel, or narcissistic, or manipulative. And as someone who also feels that sex is a necessary part of a relationship (and as someone who has been mostly celibate for 9 months as my boyfriend is abroad getting a degree) I take offense to all the criticism he has gotten. He’s not forcing her into anything, he’s saying “here’s what I want out of a relationship, if you don’t want the same things, we shouldn’t be together”.
These two people should not be together because they do not have the same views on sex. He views it as necessary for a relationship, she doesn’t. And that’s fine that they have different views on sex.
However, feeling that sex, and sexual intimacy is a necessary part of a relationship does not make him evil, or cruel, or narcissistic, or manipulative. And as someone who also feels that sex is a necessary part of a relationship (and as someone who has been mostly celibate for 9 months as my boyfriend is abroad getting a degree) I take offense to all the criticism he has gotten. He’s not forcing her into anything, he’s saying “here’s what I want out of a relationship, if you don’t want the same things, we shouldn’t be together”.
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
C
Cristiano
Guest
Maybe it is time that people stop taking offense at something and simply look at the facts. When I look at the described behaviors I see that the guy is probably a narcissistic manipulator. Do you go around telling people that you respect their faith and then push them to go against their highest principles? If the answer is yes than you know where you stand and if the answer is no then you are not like him and you should not take offense.
R
robwar
Guest
you need to leave him and go to confession. you can’t marry out or your faith if your faith is important to you. you will just have holy war all the time. As the others said, he doesn’t love you but God does. God has better things for you and that is not to screw around with someone who doesn’t believe in God and taken your virginity from you. If you can’t share to same beliefs about God why would you want him or her. Better to be alone than in a relationship from hell.
V
Verenda
Guest
I am going to respectfully disagree with you. He has never said they shouldn’t be together. He said “I give you 12 months to have sex with me” more or less and he is challenging her feelings. When she is upset that they have had sex he is stating that it can’t be wrong since it feels good. He is telling her that her feelings do not matter as long as he is receiving sexual pleasure. If he broke up with her when she stated that she did not want to be sexually active anymore then I would agree with you, but he is staying in the relationship and using sex as an ultimatum to control his partner. I’m heavily involved with volunteering in the domestic abuse and rape crisis communities and have undergone extensive training about abusers and I can say with no reasonable doubt that his behavior is coersive and could become abusive very easily.
M
maryjk
Guest
Only the ones with blue eyes are acceptable to us.
Hubby has blue eyes, so I can agree with it.Yes he is. Force doesn’t have to include a weapon or hitting someone. It can simply be coercion. He is trying to convince her to have sex. That is not something you do to someone you claim to love.
S
Sapphiregirl
Guest
No, he’s saying “here is how long I’m willing to pursue this without a sexual side”. I see it as no different than me telling my boyfriend “here’s how long I’m willing to be in a long distance relationship”. By telling him I’d leave him if he were to not be here for longer than this year, am i being manipulative and abusive and cruel and using this as a position of control? No, I’m expressing my limits. And honestly, going longer than 3 months without sex, barring medical conditions or temporary emotional issues, would be a deal breaker for me.
I fail to see coercion in this? Is he saying “Without sex, i couldn’t be with you long term”? Yes. That, however, is not coercion. That is stating a fact about his desires. He is allowed to have his desires and his needs. As for cries of conditional love, you can love someone unconditionally, but know that you can’t emotionally or physically accept a relationship that exceeds certain limits. That isn’t coercion, it’s self-awareness. If he honestly can’t accept a relationship without the sexual component for longer than that, it’s better she know that now.
I fail to see coercion in this? Is he saying “Without sex, i couldn’t be with you long term”? Yes. That, however, is not coercion. That is stating a fact about his desires. He is allowed to have his desires and his needs. As for cries of conditional love, you can love someone unconditionally, but know that you can’t emotionally or physically accept a relationship that exceeds certain limits. That isn’t coercion, it’s self-awareness. If he honestly can’t accept a relationship without the sexual component for longer than that, it’s better she know that now.
S
Sapphiregirl
Guest
Also, trying to convince someone to do something doesn’t mean you are coercing them. I tried to convince my college professor to give me extra credit. Was I coercing him? No. There is more to coercing than that. Even when you factor in that the syllabus said no extra credit, even when he made that a clear limit from the beginning, I still asked, but you couldn’t say this asking was coercion.
V
Verenda
Guest
I did the bolding. He is manipulating her. Plain and simple. He is trying to get her to abandon a major part of her identity and to abandon her morals. I will repeat what I said earlier, if he chose to end the realtionship when OP declared she no longer wanted to be sexually active it would be different. Instead he has satyed and chosen to exploit a young woman for his own sexual fufillment.
V
Verenda
Guest
Then it’s not unconditional love! Catholics take a drastically different view to marriage, love, and relationships than “secular humanists”.
V
Verenda
Guest
Sexuality is drastically different than grades. Also, a professor is in position of power over a student. Now it would be coercion if the professor stated that you could get extra credit if you had sex with him- kind of like saying you can get love if you give sex…
fit.edu/caps/documents/SexualCoercion_000.pdf
Please read this pamphlet. Notice the part where it explains that using guilt or past sexual activity is coercive?
M
maryjk
Guest
Did you also threaten your professor? Say, if you don’t change my grade, I will report you for sexual misconduct? No, then you are right, you didn’t use coercion. You simply tried to convince him.
In the OP, he is saying, if you don’t have sex with me, I will leave. That is a threat. He is trying to coerce her into having sex with him through threats.
C
catharina
Guest
Pardon me?
I saw NOTHING about his being willing to
abstain for a year. I saw clearly that he would
give her a year to decide to become sexually
active with him - that means NOTHING about
his own plans for sexual activity within that year
with anyone else!
Really, think about it.
S
Sapphiregirl
Guest
The difference is that the professor is in a position of power over the student. And that most schools have very strict rules about student teacher relationships. Universities realize that a student/teacher, or even student/TA relationship is almost by nature fraught with power inequality. That is different than two people of relatively the same age and socioeconomic status having a relationship, and one wanting there to be a certain aspect to their relationship. In this case, there is no long term consequence to her saying “no” and walking away from the relationship. In the student teacher case, saying no could negatively impact her future.
Now, until the poster comes back with an example of him really trying to threaten or coerce or force her into having sex with him, or comes up with an example of how losing the relationship through irreconcilable differences would harm her in any way other than how the ends of relationships naturally harms us, I’m going to take the charitable approach of not assuming this man is a narcissist or a rapist, and instead just assume he is a sexually active person who wants to be in a relationship where he has sex with his significant other.
Now, until the poster comes back with an example of him really trying to threaten or coerce or force her into having sex with him, or comes up with an example of how losing the relationship through irreconcilable differences would harm her in any way other than how the ends of relationships naturally harms us, I’m going to take the charitable approach of not assuming this man is a narcissist or a rapist, and instead just assume he is a sexually active person who wants to be in a relationship where he has sex with his significant other.
V
Verenda
Guest
Then he should find a partner who shares his values instead of pressuring someone to change theirs.
S
Sapphiregirl
Guest
I agree, he should. Because she is obviously not a right fit for him. But that’s not because he’s actually some sort of rapist, or abuser.
V
Verenda
Guest
I never meant to imply that he is a rapist or an abuser, but he is acting in a sexually coercive manner and that is a warning sign for potential abuse…
S
Sapphiregirl
Guest
Ok, say they were married, and she didn’t want to have sex, and he was trying to convince her to. Would that still be coercion?
- Status