Dating an Atheist

[Delaine75]

I’m afraid I would have to advise against getting too serious with this guy even if he’s wonderful in every other way (yes, I know you said you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him). I can’t help but think that even though everything seems peachy-keen right now, the clashing religious beliefs will cause issues later on down the road. I dated a non-believer a while back and in the beginning he was very respectful of my Catholic views. Later on down the road a few months, he would start making little cracks about the Church, the sacraments, etc. We ended up breaking up because his aunt had been diagnosed with cancer and I told him one night that I was going to Adoration to pray for her, and he went off about how praying gets you nowhere, etc. He was absolutely rude and disrespectful. I pray this doesn’t happen with you.

Considering you’ve only been dating a couple of months and you’re so young, it’s probably not even that realistic to see yourself spending the rest of your life with this fella right now, but either way, take it slow and I’ll be praying for ya!

 

[Nan_S]

– A man who does not have his heart centered on pleasing God may still have his heart centered on doing what is right by you and your children.
Grandma was Protestant and Grandpa was Catholic. Grandma never could bring herself to join Grandpa’s church, but she took her obligation as wife of a Catholic seriously and made sure that all her children were well-grounded in the Catholic faith.
– Unfortunately, it has been my experience that most atheists and agnostics, when put under pressure, will ignore God and focus on pleasing themselves instead of uniting with their spouses on religious matters.

– This selfishness extends to spouses of uncertain belief who join the Catholic church superficially. I will go so far as to say that marriage to a superficial Catholic is even worse than to a non-Christian.
Picture the scenario where Dad joins the church at Mom’s urging, but then decides to be Catholic on his own terms. Mom says, “We have to go to Mass.” Dad says, “I feel like sleeping in today. You go.” And the children say, “If Dad gets to stay in bed, I’m going to stay in bed too.” Little kids may act to please, but Teens will almost always try to take the easy way out. Once the wall has been breached, you find you are facing opposition on just about every other aspect of Catholic life that requires effort.
– This is one reason why the Church does not allow people to marry until they have been through formal instruction and serious reflection.
Your atheist/agnostic boyfriend is fun, but he’s far to immature in his relationship with God to be considered serious husband material.

 

[maryjk]

I’m afraid I would have to advise against getting too serious with this guy even if he’s wonderful in every other way (yes, I know you said you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him). I can’t help but think that even though everything seems peachy-keen right now, the clashing religious beliefs will cause issues later on down the road. I dated a non-believer a while back and in the beginning he was very respectful of my Catholic views. Later on down the road a few months, he would start making little cracks about the Church, the sacraments, etc. We ended up breaking up because his aunt had been diagnosed with cancer and I told him one night that I was going to Adoration to pray for her, and he went off about how praying gets you nowhere, etc. He was absolutely rude and disrespectful. I pray this doesn’t happen with you.

Considering you’ve only been dating a couple of months and you’re so young, it’s probably not even that realistic to see yourself spending the rest of your life with this fella right now, but either way, take it slow and I’ll be praying for ya!

Why would you date ANYONE that was rude and disrespectful?? Catholic or not, stay away from people that are rude and disrespectful.

 

[AmberCM]

Because you marry whom you date and not someone you didn’t, why did you continue to date after you found out?

I knew before we started dating that he was an atheist. I didn’t let that be something to stop us because I really like this guy and this is the only thing we’ve ever disagreed on.

 

[Kelfa28]

I knew before we started dating that he was an atheist. I didn’t let that be something to stop us because I really like this guy and this is the only thing we’ve ever disagreed on.

This is the biggest thing your could ever disagree on in any relationship.

It involves every single aspect of your life, including (in a huge way) your future children.

Think about it. How would he feel about raising your children Catholic? The father is the biggest contribution to a child’s faith and upbringing. Children need to see their father practice the faith in order to stay grounded themselves.

If your husband has no interest then your children will have no interest.

How does he feel about sex before marriage? How does he feel about contraception and birth control? ALL of these are intrinsic evils.

I know it’s possible to marry an atheist. It’s all over these forums of couples who don’t share the faith and they make their marriages work.

But you are SO young and the relationship is SO new. I’d say you are too immature to state you want to spend your life with this person.

He is nice and sweet. That does not make him husband material. Not by a long shot.

 

[PaulGH]

You might also want to check out the replies on this similar thread:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=663404

Here is part of what I wrote there:

I can’t say that one choice or the other is definitely right for you. However, if you do marry this man, you and your children will constantly have to deal with this serious conflict between your faith and his lack of faith. And that conflict is likely to seem worse later than it does now, because now you are in the “young and in love” stage, which can make it easy to overlook potential faults or conflicts.

For example, imagine that it is ten years from now. The two of you are married, and you have two children. For whatever reason, you are not ready for another child, and you decide to use periodic abstinence (natural family planning) to avoid pregnancy. Is he truly going to be OK with this? Or is he going to insist on using contraception (which is gravely sinful), or is he maybe going to ask you to do things for him during the abstinence time that the Catholic Church teaches are gravely sinful?

Or consider another scenario ten years from now: The two of you are married, and you have discerned that God is calling you to be open to life. Your husband has reluctantly agreed to having a third child, but he draws the line at having any more beyond that, because he thinks that another child would be too difficult, too expensive, etc., and because he doesn’t see the blessing of children from a Catholic perspective.

The point is that when you are married, and especially when children enter the picture, what may seem like not so big a difference now could become a lot more of an issue.

Also, assuming that you plan to raise your children Catholic, do you want their father to be someone who provides a good example of living the Catholic faith, or do you want their father to be uncertain even of his own belief in God?

 

[Bezant]

I knew before we started dating that he was an atheist. I didn’t let that be something to stop us because I really like this guy and this is the only thing we’ve ever disagreed on.

Nothing wrong with that. Just focus on where you want to go in life, not where he or your relationship goes.

 

[1ke]

I don’t know if he’d come with me to Mass or pray at meals, but I don’t think he’d object to the teachings or Christmas or even baptism. I think he’d probably (barring his own conversion) let the kids decide for themselves which parent to “side with”.

A Catholic is obligated to raise their children in the Catholic faith. There is no such thing as “letting them choose”.

Also, you “think” is not the same thing as you “know”.

No, he’s not trying to convert me; as a matter of fact, when I’m a senior in high school and we’ve been together for two months (bizarrely good guess, by the way ). How does your advice change for that?

You are too young to be dating anyone, let alone an atheist.

I suggest you seriously reflect on your Catholic faith and the path you are taking in the discernment of a spouse-- religion is the first thing to discern. You then go from there. He is an atheist. That is not compatible with the Catholic faith or raising a Catholic family.

 

[1ke]

I knew before we started dating that he was an atheist. I didn’t let that be something to stop us because I really like this guy and this is the only thing we’ve ever disagreed on.

Priorities are upside down here.

And it is a pretty big “something” to disagree on. We aren’t talking about what color to paint the living room.

Marriage is very difficult. Every day it is a decision to love the other person with sacrificial, Christian love. The purpose of marriage is to help create new souls for the glory of God, and bring them up in the love of Christ, help them and your spouse get to Heaven.

He cannot do any of those things.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I actually do talk to him about religion a lot, but it’s mostly telling him stories from the Bible, etc. He listens, but it seems like he thinks he’s listening to fairy tales sometimes…

I don’t know if he’d come with me to Mass or pray at meals, but I don’t think he’d object to the teachings or Christmas or even baptism. I think he’d probably (barring his own conversion) let the kids decide for themselves which parent to “side with”.

No, he’s not trying to convert me; as a matter of fact, when I had a faith crisis he was right there, talking me through it. He said that even though he doesn’t agree with me, he knows that my religious views are a huge part of who I am and he doesn’t want that to change.

I’m a senior in high school and we’ve been together for two months (bizarrely good guess, by the way ). How does your advice change for that?

Thanks to everybody for the kind words and encouragement! God bless you all!

Don’t date an atheist. End of story. You would be incredibly lonely if your future husband does not share your religious faith. You think it doesn’t matter, because you’re 18. It matters tremendously.

 

[sedonaman]

I knew before we started dating that he was an atheist. I didn’t let that be something to stop us because I really like this guy and this is the only thing we’ve ever disagreed on.

The Church discourages mixed marriages because they inevitably evolve to some state in which the Catholic partner has to give up some, if not all, of their beliefs. So, how important is the Church to you?

 

[maryjk]

The Church discourages mixed marriages because they inevitably evolve to some state in which the Catholic partner has to give up some, if not all, of their beliefs. So, how important is the Church to you?

Very.

And I agree, before someone marries someone that isn’t Catholic, they should fully discuss it with their would be spouse and their priest. It isn’t something to be entered into lightly.

But just because someone marries someone that isn’t Catholic DOESN’T mean that the Catholic has to lose their faith. Some are actually strengthened to be more faithful.

 

[BettyBoop416]

A man who does not have his heart centered on pleasing God may still have his heart centered on doing what is right by you and your children.

This has been my experience with my non-beliving husband. There is not a Catholic man in the world I’d trade him for.

*Unfortunately, it has been my experience that most atheists and agnostics, when put under pressure, will ignore God and focus on pleasing themselves instead of uniting with their spouses on religious matters. *

Well an atheist, by definition, does not believe that God exists. It would be illogical for an atheist to do anything other than to “ignore God.”

Your atheist/agnostic boyfriend is fun, but he’s far to immature in his relationship with God to be considered serious husband material.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but here goes…The boyfriend does not have an immature relationship with God. He has no relationship with God. He does not believe that God exists.

Is this guy “serious husband material?” That is something that the OP will have to decide for herself. The fact that he is an atheist should certainly figure into the decision. However, characterizing him as being self-centered or immature simply because he does not share her religious beliefs is going just a bit too far.

 

[BettyBoop416]

Marriage is very difficult. Every day it is a decision to love the other person with sacrificial, Christian love.

Do you really find marriage to be “very difficult?” On rare occasions you will post something about life with your husband. I got the impression that you are relatively happy. As for myself, I don’t think I’ve ever had to actually “make a decision” to love my husband. It just seems to come very naturally - our different religious outlooks notwithstanding.

 

[BettyBoop416]

Don’t date an atheist. End of story. You would be incredibly lonely if your future husband does not share your religious faith. You think it doesn’t matter, because you’re 18. It matters tremendously.

I received similar advice when I was dating the man who would eventually become my husband. Although I took this advice to heart, I am so thankful that I didn’t act on it.

 

[PaulGH]

I received similar advice when I was dating the man who would eventually become my husband. Although I took this advice to heart, I am so thankful that I didn’t act on it.

I’m curious, if you don’t mind sharing, how did you and your husband navigate the potential pitfalls in a Catholic/atheist marriage? For example, do you have children, and does he support raising them in the Catholic faith? Does he go to church with you? Do the kids get confused by the differences in beliefs between you and your husband? How did you resolve the issues of contraception and openness to life? Have there been other major areas of conflict resulting from your religious differences?

These questions probably sound nosy, so please don’t feel obligated to answer if you prefer not to. I just think that the answers might be helpful to others reading the thread, including myself.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

A few thoughts from an atheist.

1. Just a reminder before we bash all Catholic-atheist marriages that there are some people on here who are married to atheists and do not regret it. They don’t feel lonely or as though they should have married within their faith.
2. Should you decide to date him you cannot do it thinking that he will convert. You cannot marry him planning on being able to convert him later in life. You have to take him as he is now. And you do have to understand that even if he agrees to raise the children Catholic they will know that he doesn’t believe. He cannot and should not lie to his kids about his religion. That is not how you raise children and have an open and trusting household.
3. I am not a big fan of the idea of Christian-atheist marriages in general. That’s not to say that there aren’t many happy, healthy, and strong couples and families built around them, but it can make things a lot harder. There are so many basic things that you will have to respect each others views on but that you will never be able to agree with. Some outlooks and beliefs are just completely incompatible. That’s not to say that one person is better than the other, or a better person, far from it. They could be two of the best, most honest, most loving, generous, and moral people on the planet but they just wouldn’t be good together, and that is ok. Even amongst people that do have the same faith there will always be wonderful people that for whatever reason should not get married and raise a family together.

As an atheist my dating pool would have been very small if I had limited myself to other atheists. So I did realize that I could date someone who was casually religious and very liberal about it. You know, the kind who don’t really go to church and believe that they have a personal relationship with god. Maybe even the “more spiritual than religious” types. But I knew that I would never be with a devout anything. There would just be too many issues and one or both of us would have to compromise on issues that no one should have to compromise on. As it turns out I did meet and fall in love with another atheist, and it does help tremendously that we have the same basic outlook and worldview.

 

[BettyBoop416]

These questions probably sound nosy, so please don’t feel obligated to answer if you prefer not to. I just think that the answers might be helpful to others reading the thread, including myself.

I don’t mind sharing. One of the advantages of communicating anonymously on the internet is that we can ask and answer “nosy questions” honestly with no personal repercussions.

Yes, we have children. They are attending Catholic school and are being raised in the Church. Although my husband does not believe in God, he does recognize the stabilizing influence on the children of being part of a tradition - of having a historical identity. He also attends Mass with us whenever he is home. Again, not because he believes, but for family unity. Although even very young children pick up on things we’d never believe they were aware of, to my knowledge, the kids have not yet noticed that our religious viewpoints are different. At least they haven’t asked about it yet.

Regarding contraception and openness to life…

I can very clearly remember learning about the evils of contraception from the nuns at school. I can also remember the furious response I got when I questioned those teachings. In all honesty, it just never made sense to me. Still doesn’t. So…this is not an issue for DH and I.

I hope I’ve answered your questions.

 

[maryjk]

I’m curious, if you don’t mind sharing, how did you and your husband navigate the potential pitfalls in a Catholic/atheist marriage?

I am not the poster you are responding to, but do you mind if I answer these too?

I have been married to an atheist for 20 years.

For example, do you have children, and does he support raising them in the Catholic faith?

Yes we do have a child. He does support raising our son as a Catholic and will take our son to Mass if I am not with them or for some reason I can’t go.

Does he go to church with you?

Only on special occasions like Easter Vigil, Christmas Eve, Baptisms, Confirmations, or another special day. Or if I am not available to take our son.

Do the kids get confused by the differences in beliefs between you and your husband?

No. And yes, I just asked him. Our son reminded me that sometimes when they are alone, my husband will remind my son to pray. No my husband doesn’t pray, but just because Mom isn’t there doesn’t mean you are allowed to forget.

How did you resolve the issues of contraception and openness to life?

There is nothing to resolve. We use NFP. I see a NFP only doctor. He drives me the two hours it takes to get to her office. I have major medical issues that make it a VERY bad idea for me to have more children.

Have there been other major areas of conflict resulting from your religious differences?

Not that I am aware.

These questions probably sound nosy, so please don’t feel obligated to answer if you prefer not to. I just think that the answers might be helpful to others reading the thread, including myself.

I do need to comment on the statement made by 1ke that marriage is hard. I don’t find it hard. I find being married much easier than not being married. I can’t imagine facing what I had to face in the past 18 months, without my husband. He is helped me navigate through everything. I would have been lost without him.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I am not the poster you are responding to, but do you mind if I answer these too?

I have been married to an atheist for 20 years. Yes we do have a child. He does support raising our son as a Catholic and will take our son to Mass if I am not with them or for some reason I can’t gnly on special occasions like Easter Vigil, Christmas Eve, Baptisms, Confirmations, or another special day. Or if I am not available to take our son.No. And yes, I just asked him. Our son reminded me that sometimes when they are alone, my husband will remind my son to pray. No my husband doesn’t pray, but just because Mom isn’t there doesn’t mean you are allowed to forget. There is nothing to resolve. We use NFP. I see a NFP only doctor. He drives me the two hours it takes to get to her office. I have major medical issues that make it a VERY bad idea for me to have more children. Not that I am aware.
I do need to comment on the statement made by 1ke that marriage is hard. I don’t find it hard. I find being married much easier than not being married. I can’t imagine facing what I had to face in the past 18 months, without my husband. He is helped me navigate through everything. I would have been lost without him.

I hope you realize how much your husband loves you. For an atheist, or any non-Catholic really to do all of that for love shows a great amount of sacrifice and caring. He must really see something special in you