Dating and Age Differences

[William777]

Hello Everyone:

I have a question that has been bugging me for awhile, and I thought it would be a good topic for this forum.

I have wanted to be a Priest or Professed Clergy, and I have devoted a lot of my life toward that end. However, I’ve become more and more resolved that it’s probably not going to happen (due to a disability and age), which leaves me to thinking of the other types of Catholic vocations - marriage or simply living alone in the world. During the period of discernment - years worth of discernment - I really haven’t dated at all.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I will be 44. At this age, I’m very happy just to go to church and pray, but, when I think about dating, the idea seems pretty silly anymore. The only reason I would date would be to get married, and, then, the only reason I would marry would be to have children. This is where the problem arises. It would seem the best women to have children would be between 25 and 35 - both of which are now significantly younger than me. Given my reasons for dating - it would seem silly to consider a marital vocation (for the most part).

What I wonder about is how much of an age difference is too much of an age difference? In some Bible studies it has come up that Joseph was probably much older than Mary; as was Abraham older than Sarah - although Sarah was way past her prime when she bore children. Zachariah and Elizabeth were most likely in similar situations. So such age differences would seem common - back then…

Today, I realize the church has had difficulties with age differences in it’s recent history with pedophiles, but I am by no means suggesting anything of the sort. As a matter of fact, the age differences have made it very difficult even to consider a woman well within a legal age limit (say 25 or older). However, I think it is also important to note, a lot of the pedophilic Priests weren’t just pedophiles, but they were also committing homosexual violations. I am neither gay nor bi-, so again I’m not proposing anything even remotely similar to those cases.

All I am trying to determine is what an appropriate age difference would be. I do know there are ladies out there who like older men. And, if two people really love and care about one another, then it probably wouldnt matter what others thought. But still…?

Any help here please?

 

[jimmy]

Why should age matter (assuming she isn’t a minor)? Why should it matter whether she is 25 or 35 or 45?

My problem with this is, if you don’t plan on marrying a woman because you love her, then you shouldn’t get married. Marriage is about the two people who are married, before everything else.

 

[underacloud]

All I am trying to determine is what an appropriate age difference would be. I do know there are ladies out there who like older men. And, if two people really love and care about one another, then it probably wouldnt matter what others thought. But still…?

I think you’ve asked and answered your own question. Why do you say “but still”?

There are no norms for this sort of thing. There are also no norms as such for reproductive health, only trends. Many women are certainly capable of bearing children into their late 40s, even if the overall trend is towards diminished fertility. Keep in mind too that if you marry with the goal of having children, that you may be frustrated of that desire regardless of your wife’s age. You need to be open to the other aspect of marriage, which is to share your life with a special person, while children may or may not be a part of that picture.

 

[Marie1234]

…What I wonder about is how much of an age difference is too much of an age difference? In some Bible studies it has come up that Joseph was probably much older than Mary; as was Abraham older than Sarah - although Sarah was way past her prime when she bore children. Zachariah and Elizabeth were most likely in similar situations. So such age differences would seem common - back then…

All I am trying to determine is what an appropriate age difference would be. I do know there are ladies out there who like older men. And, if two people really love and care about one another, then it probably wouldnt matter what others thought. But still…?

Any help here please?

I don’t think there’s really any social stigma about marrying someone older or younger than you, unless one is a minor of course.

I’m pretty young, not yet out of college, and I would actually prefer to marry someone significantly older than me because I feel as though I have an older soul myself. I’ve always felt that way, even as a child. Everyone my age seems so immature to me, so liberal, naive and promiscuous. I pretty much don’t date just because I can’t find someone who has the same beliefs, attitudes and interests as I do. Those who do tend to be much older than me…so I guess I’m in a similar situation. I know how you feel. But if I do find a man whose a lot older than me and I fall in love with him, I’m so not going to care about his age. You shouldn’t either!

Age doesn’t matter, but love does.

 

[edwest2]

People can marry later in life. I think age does matter. If you decide to look for someone, I would recommend a year or two difference. Why? While dating - a concept that doesn’t exist for some people today - it has to be about earning each other’s trust, having shared interests - no, they don’t all have to be the same - and the most important thing: enjoying each other’s company regardless of what the two of you do together. If you really get to know each other before the ceremony and really like each other, you’ve got a good chance at a good marriage.

Today, all the talk is centered on the bedroom. Trust me, only a small fraction of your day will be spent engaging in sex. After 8 hours of sleep, 8 or more hours of work, the cooking, the cleaning, bill paying and travel time to get where you need to go, you should be able to sit down with your wife, talk, and do things together. Take in the full dimensions of a married relationship.

But back to the age issue. Being able to remember the same things growing up will help you relate better to each other. Having lived through the same time period creates a bond.

Hope this helps,
Ed

 

[Elisabeth51]

Hello Everyone:

I have a question that has been bugging me for awhile, and I thought it would be a good topic for this forum.

I have wanted to be a Priest or Professed Clergy, and I have devoted a lot of my life toward that end. However, I’ve become more and more resolved that it’s probably not going to happen (due to a disability and age), which leaves me to thinking of the other types of Catholic vocations - marriage or simply living alone in the world. During the period of discernment - years worth of discernment - I really haven’t dated at all.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I will be 44. At this age, I’m very happy just to go to church and pray, but, when I think about dating, the idea seems pretty silly anymore. The only reason I would date would be to get married, and, then, the only reason I would marry would be to have children. This is where the problem arises. It would seem the best women to have children would be between 25 and 35 - both of which are now significantly younger than me. Given my reasons for dating - it would seem silly to consider a marital vocation (for the most part).

What I wonder about is how much of an age difference is too much of an age difference? In some Bible studies it has come up that Joseph was probably much older than Mary; as was Abraham older than Sarah - although Sarah was way past her prime when she bore children. Zachariah and Elizabeth were most likely in similar situations. So such age differences would seem common - back then…

Today, I realize the church has had difficulties with age differences in it’s recent history with pedophiles, but I am by no means suggesting anything of the sort. As a matter of fact, the age differences have made it very difficult even to consider a woman well within a legal age limit (say 25 or older). However, I think it is also important to note, a lot of the pedophilic Priests weren’t just pedophiles, but they were also committing homosexual violations. I am neither gay nor bi-, so again I’m not proposing anything even remotely similar to those cases.

All I am trying to determine is what an appropriate age difference would be. I do know there are ladies out there who like older men. And, if two people really love and care about one another, then it probably wouldnt matter what others thought. But still…?

Any help here please?

My siblings are 20 yrs plus older than I, and most of my friends are, I have far more in common with them than with people my age for the most part. I think after 21 it should matter less about age and more about what you have in common. You’re 44, how ancient! Please. My dad was 55 (my mom was 45) when I was born and all the family friends said I made my parents younger—my parents were the age of my classmates grandparents, sure, but my dad had not one grey hair while the 30-40 yr old executives had a full head of grey! I knew my parents, not their careers…my eldest sister was 50 when she was married (for the first time!)…don’t worry about what others might or might not think, think about what God wants for you. You can’t set an age and say “well, if I don’t get married when I’m 45 I’ll just hang it up” It’s GOD’s time and plan, not YOURS. I don’t think we should try to limit Him or ignore what He might be trying to give us because we stick some kind of human limit on it.

To me it seems really selfish and really shallow to get to know someone, find you have everything in common with them and LOVE their company and tell them you think they’re wonderful, smart, funny, loads of fun to be with and then find out they’re 35 and you’re 55 and go “oh, never mind, I can’t be friends or anything else with you, you’re not the right age.”

Yes, I feel strongly about this. Age should not matter if you’re adults, ask God what He wants, when you meet someone are going to say “hi I’m 20 yrs older than my wife” Probably not

I know more than one married couple with 20 yr age differences and they have wonderful marriages----I do have a friend who is six years younger than me and she’s more mature than some 50 yr olds I know. My middle sister is 55, same age as a 55 friend of mine—I have lots in common with him, and am 20 yrs younger. If we’re going to say he can only be friends with people closer to his age, because it matters so much, well, if we put him and my sister in a room together the only thing they would have in common would be me.

It’s maturity, common interests…a lot more than an age, height, weight, hair colour…I think everyone needs to be open to what God might have for them, too often we want it to fit this nice little box, but His plan doesn’t usually do that in my experience.

 

[edwest2]

I want to add that if your wife is 20 years younger and you turn 63 while she is 43, there are practical considerations. It is a fact that for many people, our bodies, and sometimes, mental and emotional states, change as we get older.

I encourage marrying around the same age for that reason. The other reason is when I asked my last girlfriend what she expected if we got married, she told me. And I thank God I asked long before any formal engagement was in place. I knew her very well and realized that if I could not meet those expectations then should would be unhappy. The relationship ended because I knew her. I knew that her hopes and dreams meant that much to her. Anything less would have definitely led to a disappointing life together.

So before the ceremony, ask her what she expects.

Hope this helps,
Ed

 

[hwriggles4]

William777 et. al.:

I’ll add my 2 cents here.

1. I dated one girl who was 8 years younger than me. However, she didn’t find me to be “old”, and quite frankly, a 34 year old with a 42 year old is quite a bit different than a 30 year old with a 22 year old. We talked about it early on too, and we had much in common. I also returned to college when I was a little older, so I feel like I’m about 5 years younger than most of my peers (I still look fairly young - most people are surprised I’ve passed 40).
2. I’m around your age, and quite frankly, I have a hard time approaching someone on a “social” level unless she is at least in her mid-30’s. When I do meet a younger person I’m careful to present myself in a way where I come across to be friendly, and not in a way that looks “creepy”. (I think a girl reading this would understand what I’m saying here).
3. I don’t have much in common with a 25 year old from a “pop culture” standpoint. However, there are several nice ladies out there between 33 and 40 who would be welcoming to you. The age difference between 44 and 36 is not a huge issue for most people. A good buddy of mine married at 45 to a nice smart 37 year old lady, and they now have two kids. I have a brother Knight who at 46 married an attractive 41 year old, and they have a daughter.
4. Don’t rule out somebody based on age though. You may meet a nice 46 or 47 year old girl where you have several things in common. (Myself - I tend to have more in common with people between 33 and 42, but for you it may be different.) I have two female friends who are a couple years older than me and over the years we developed “brother-sister” type relationships.
5. Attitude has a lot to do with it. One single lady in her late 40’s once told me that she has met some “young at hearts” in their early 60’s, and she’s met some “old” men in their late 40’s.

These are just some thoughts. I’m sure others can chime in.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Ideal age for you is a woman between ages of 39-46. This allows a partner who can share a life with you. Younger than 39 ( five years younger than you ) presents many problems like extended widowhood for her, unmatching libedo’s (cheating possiblities), uncommon interestests, and so much more.

Marriage is not only for children. Marriage is a vocation to get your spouce to heaven!!! In marriage you give what you do not have to give, which is your future. You learn how to give up your selfishness & learn ways to give and recieve in a more heavenly way. Children are one avenue to experience this in marriage. Poverty, obedience rule the vocation of married with children as you both learn these graces to let the family thrive.

Married partners without children also will learn to get their spouce to heaven, be obedient, and poor. Some take the path of being deacons, others missionaries. The possibilities of married without children are vast.

Another interesting factor to throw into his equation is the shortage of women due to gendercide. Currently estimated 55% men/45% women with increase in men expected to rapidly increase. We are already seeing China seeking prostitution to make up the difference in Thiland, Cambodia, & the Phillipeans. This trend is encroaching in western cultures which will soon leave many men without a mate.

 

[Deeann07]

Hello Everyone:

I have a question that has been bugging me for awhile, and I thought it would be a good topic for this forum.

I have wanted to be a Priest or Professed Clergy, and I have devoted a lot of my life toward that end. However, I’ve become more and more resolved that it’s probably not going to happen (due to a disability and age), which leaves me to thinking of the other types of Catholic vocations - marriage or simply living alone in the world. During the period of discernment - years worth of discernment - I really haven’t dated at all.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I will be 44. At this age, I’m very happy just to go to church and pray, but, when I think about dating, the idea seems pretty silly anymore. The only reason I would date would be to get married, and, then, the only reason I would marry would be to have children. This is where the problem arises. It would seem the best women to have children would be between 25 and 35 - both of which are now significantly younger than me. Given my reasons for dating - it would seem silly to consider a marital vocation (for the most part).

What I wonder about is how much of an age difference is too much of an age difference? In some Bible studies it has come up that Joseph was probably much older than Mary; as was Abraham older than Sarah - although Sarah was way past her prime when she bore children. Zachariah and Elizabeth were most likely in similar situations. So such age differences would seem common - back then…

Today, I realize the church has had difficulties with age differences in it’s recent history with pedophiles, but I am by no means suggesting anything of the sort. As a matter of fact, the age differences have made it very difficult even to consider a woman well within a legal age limit (say 25 or older). However, I think it is also important to note, a lot of the pedophilic Priests weren’t just pedophiles, but they were also committing homosexual violations. I am neither gay nor bi-, so again I’m not proposing anything even remotely similar to those cases.

All I am trying to determine is what an appropriate age difference would be. I do know there are ladies out there who like older men. And, if two people really love and care about one another, then it probably wouldnt matter what others thought. But still…?

Any help here please?

I don’t think there is any rule from the Catholic church which states you must marry between certain ages. The Sacrament of Marriage is more than having children, although one must be open to life during the marriage, regardless of age. Your question is of interest to me because I am in a relationship with someone 13 years my senior. I am 44 and he is 57. I find it delightful to have found someone who is mature, but far from old. He is very energetic and sharper than many other 57 year olds I’ve met. I think you should be open to the opportunity of meeting someone who is suitable for you, regardless of age. Our Lord will take care of the rest. As long as both of you are faithful and in agreement with the church’s teaching on the Sacrament of Marriage, I think the Lord will guide you and bless you in the areas of having children and living a life of sacrifice for each other. If the Lord has closed the door on a possible vocation to the priesthood, embrace the possibility of being a husband, and maybe even a father. Let the Holy Spirit show you how you are to fulfill God’s will for your life. It may not be what you were expecting. I can say this is not what I was expecting, but instead has been more beautiful and fulfilling than anything I could have done on my own.

 

[Mickey_Finn]

I’d look at the 30-somethings.

ATB

 

[Agatha813]

I don’t think you should worry about age too much, unless she’s a minor. If you find that special person, you’ll know. Keep in mind, there’s nothing wrong with living a single dedicated life either.

Women can have children until their body can’t anymore, so I wouldn’t worry about the whole fertility issue. However, keep in mind that if you do fall for and marry a woman, you shouldn’t put having children above your love for her. Some women are incapable of having biological children, so do be careful about that if you choose to date someone.

If you date someone and eventually marry them, please let it be because you love them dearly. Let children be more of an after thought for when you are married. If it happens it happens, and if not, you can always adopt.