Dating and age gaps

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I am currently dating someone who is 28 and I am 20. I never thought that I would date someon that is so much older than me but I really like him and our relationship is progressing really well. I’m really struggling with parents because they are very close minded to the age gap between us. I am asking for some advice and what you guys think about how big of an age gap is too big?
 
I don’t quite think this is the right place to ask for secular advice…
 
nrhuff said:
I am asking for some advice and what you guys think about how big of an age gap is too big?
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This is, on the whole, a personal decision. There is no moral component here. In general, the larger the gap the more you will face issues on both ends of the spectrum. You are experiencing that now at age 20 dating a 28 year old. You aren’t yet out of college, he’s well on his way in his career. On the other end, he will be in retirement mode when you still have a decade or more left in the workforce, potentially. Or he could be facing health issues in his 50s and 60s while you are still in your 40s or 50s.

So, it’s something to think about. It’s a personal decision.
 
That’s a sizable age gap, especially if you’re in college. 22 and 30 is not so bad if both are college graduates. The rule of thumb in the secular world is half the older person’s age +7…so that would be 21 (14+7). You’re 20. You don’t quite make the cut-off.

I would have concerns about state of life, like I mentioned above. If you’re a 20yo who’s graduated and living on your own, then not so much concern.

But life changes a lot during and after college and when you live on your own.
 
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My bad, I was under the impression that this would go under casual discussion.

OP, the age gap is up to you. Honestly, an age gap isn’t a huge deal as long as the maturity isn’t so different. Try your best to show your parents that this guy isn’t so bad, despite the age gap. Maybe talk to them as to why they think it’s a danger?
 
Just a note" My grandmother was 12 years older than my grandfather. She was ‘the boss.’ Peace
 
Well, I married someone who is eight years older; we started dating when I was 23.

I’d give a few observations:
(a) the older you are, the less the gap makes a difference; the younger you are, the more difference it makes.
(b) I would be less concerned if you tend to make friends in his age group generally and far more concerned if you have no other friends nearly as old as he is. My concern would be the lowest if you have always been a bit more mature than your peers, more comfortable with people who have gotten beyond adolescence and have tended to be able to hold your own in the company of grown-ups for some time. Among my peers, those have been the ones who have done the best with an older partner.
(c ) I would be concerned if he is in any way in a position of power compared to you, such as if he is a teacher at a school where you are a student. I would be VERY concerned if he is currently one of your teachers. Just don’t go there.
(d) I would be concerned if he prefered to date women in your age group but didn’t have other friends in that age group, rather than having friends across a wide range of age groups. That can imply that he feels uncomfortable with women who have attained the level of maturity and self-possession that you of course will reach before too long. He may not grow out of his discomfort with a partner who is in his maturity range and knows it. This would of course mean that the mere act of growing into yourself would doom your relationship.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date him if there are any red flags. I’d say, though, that you ought to take it much more slowly if there are. I would stay away from him for the time being if he has only ever dated women under 21, though. You need to know he can handle a give-and-take relationship with a grown-up female. I would also call it off if he is your teacher or your boss at work. It could possibly work out OK, but it is just a bad idea.
 
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Xanthippe! Laughing my butt off! That ridiculous formula is from romance novels! You really think a 32-year-old woman should only date a 50-year-old? Now who’s stuck in the past? 🤣
“Xanthippe_Voorhees said:
That’s a sizable age gap, especially if you’re in college. 22 and 30 is not so bad if both are college graduates. The rule of thumb in the secular world is half the older person’s age +7…so that would be 21 (14+7). You’re 20. You don’t quite make the cut-off.

I would have concerns about state of life, like I mentioned above. If you’re a 20yo who’s graduated and living on your own, then not so much concern.

But life changes a lot during and after college and when you live on your own.
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Loud-living-dogma said:
Xantippe! Laughing my butt off! That ridiculous formula is from romance novels! You really think a 32-year-old woman should only date a 50-year-old? Now who’s stuck in the past? 🤣
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No, you have the rule backwards. The idea is that a 32 year old would normally not date anyone OLDER than 50 and that a 50 year old should back off on dating anyone younger than 32 years old.
 
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1ke said:
is is, on the whole, a personal decision. There is no moral c
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There is an old rule of thumb formula that actually works quite well in my opinion: Take the guys age, divide by 2, add 9. That’s the youngest the girl should be.
For example: and 18 year old guy, it comes out to 18 ( ok, you can quibble that 17 should be ok)
A 25 year old guy, it results in 21.
A 40 year old guy, it gives you 29.

28? that gives you 23. Just a rule of thumb, and nothing else.
 
I might just be romanticising the situation but shouldn’t how you feel about each other be all that matters? 🙂 God makes people for each other so, if the guy God made for you happens to be eight years older than you, His will be done, right?
 
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Sorry, I guess I should have read the thread before I replied. But I do always remember it as adding 9, not 7.
 
Loud-living-dogma said:
Xanthippe! Laughing my butt off! That ridiculous formula is from romance novels! You really think a 32-year-old woman should only date a 50-year-old? Now who’s stuck in the past?
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Only? Heavens no. You have it backward. It’s the age gap limit, not the age gap preference And it gets weird past 50+. It works best for people in their 20’s and 30’s.

The gap considered acceptable is within the formula that works.

Just look at how it would work out for the OP. Someone out of college (22) and a 30yo…15+7=22. Right now at 28 and 20? Not so much.

Its not a hard and fast rule, just a good indication of what may or may not work.

As I said, state of life is far more important. I would not be worried if the OP was 20 and living on her own having graduated and supporting herself.
 
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I know a number of couples with an 8 or 10-year difference. Most of them had to deal with some negativity from parents or others, especially in the case of the younger person. Interestingly, two of them involve women who were significantly older than the man.

It seems like it’s a little easier when the man is the older person, since a man who’s a bit older may be more responsible and more in a position to be a good father and provider than a younger man, and some cultures encourage older men/ younger women relationships for that very reason. When the woman is the older one, there are often concerns about her not being able to bear children, or the younger man feeling more drawn to a woman his age when the older lady starts to show her age.

I would just wonder if your parents’ concerns are totally age-based, or do they have legitimate concerns about this man’s lifestyle, or why he might be interested in a younger woman. You want to be careful that whatever man you choose is interested in you as a person over the long term, not just because you are young. Certain men have a preference for young women, and when their partner ages, they will be looking for another young woman. You want to avoid that type. Certain other men like younger women because they can boss them around or act like a daddy. I personally would also want to avoid that type, though I have known some women who liked that type of relationship.

Basically, when loving parents are concerned about a relationship, there’s often a good reason why, so it might be worth talking to your parents about this to make sure you totally understand their concerns. If you decide to go ahead with the relationship anyway, it’s your choice as a legal adult. Good luck.
 
tafan2 said:
is is, on the whole, a personal decision. There is no moral c

There is an old rule of thumb formula that actually works quite well in my opinion: Take the guys age, divide by 2, add 9. That’s the youngest the girl should be.

For example: and 18 year old guy, it comes out to 18 ( ok, you can quibble that 17 should be ok)

A 25 year old guy, it results in 21.

A 40 year old guy, it gives you 29.

28? that gives you 23. Just a rule of thumb, and nothing else.
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I’ve heard half the age plus seven; the ballpark is about right, either way. Still, I would stick to looking at the big picture: does this man have any friends in your age group, or does he just cruise for women in that age group and only take people in his own age group as “serious friends”? If not, do you at least have people in your social circle in his age group who take you as a “serious” friend? When you meet his friends, do you fit in as a social equal? Don’t take his word for what he says to you. Look at his choices as a whole. Look at your choices as a whole. Look at how your friends and family interact with each of you. (Of course, I think that is a good idea and a bit of an eye-opener for those vulnerable to infatuation, regardless of age gap.)

Oh, and if his friends or his family privately tell you that you shouldn’t be dating him…believe them. They’ve seen how he operates. Sometimes, they don’t want to be forced to watch him strike again. Decent people are like that. Maybe they’re trying to sabotage him, but more often than not it is a bad idea to proceed with a relationship when your friends or his aren’t on board with it. If you think he’s great but his friends, not so much? Keep moving.
 
MaryEstelle2 said:
Just a note" My grandmother was 12 years older than my grandfather. She was ‘the boss.’ Peace
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However, a 30yo dating a 18yo is going to be FAR different than a 25yo dating a 37yo. So where the ages fall in that gap can be really important to the relationship’s outcomes. If your grandfather was young it would of put him (and the rest of the family) at a disadvantage…especally today where you can’t do anything with just an HS degree.
 
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This exactly right. He never had a happy marriage. When I say she was the boss I mean she never gave him a moment of peace. After she passed away he remarried and had a few years of happiness. He came to the house one day to ask my mother if it would be OK for him to remarry. Of course, it was. Mom knew what he had suffered Through over the years. There is a lot to be considered when there is an age gap. Peace
 
You’ve been given some good advice already in this thread. I would say give it a shot. Discern gradually. Don’t rush.

As far as directly answering “how big an age gap is too big”…one important factor depends on where you are at as a 20 year old. Is this your first serious boy friend, for example?

I would say again, give it a try, but don’t rush things at all.

When you are 32, he will be 40, and that in itself is not so bad, as long as he takes good care of himself. (I hope I’m not being superficial here, but a guy needs to make an effort when he gets past 30, to keep fit and maintain his vitality. Not all men go this route. )
 
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To the OP once more, don’t forget to pray about it and ask God for light in this matter and to help you see the right course to take. I always recommend Eucharistic Adoration. It is such a great thing for the many 20 year old women I see in my Eucharistic Adoration chapel at our University Parish. I think it grounds them at a difficult time, gives them an anchor, and a compass. Many of the girls go there and journal why they sit before Jesus exposed in the monstrance. Pretty cool. I think that would be a good strategy to help with discernment.
 
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