Dating and Discernment

[emhansen6019]

I have heard before that the purpose of dating is to discern whether you and the one you are dating are called to mariage. So, if you’re not sure whether you are called to religious life or married life, would it be prudent to avoid any dating relationships? Or could a dating relationship, with a solid Catholic man/woman, help you discern whether you are called to religious life or married life?

 

[Sr_Sally]

Is there someone you are currently attracted to? If so, you can move the relationship forward and see how things progress. If not, I wouldn’t go out looking for someone to date if you feel a pull toward religious life.

Having friends of the opposite sex and spending time with them either in groups or just 2 people is certainly a good idea. Even if you are discerning religious life, it is important to have friends. Having a good circle of Catholic friends can also be a support to you in married life.

I think the best discernment tool is spending time with Our Lord. Try making a regular Holy Hour in front of the tabernacle and see what God is telling you.

 

[chevalier]

I have heard before that the purpose of dating is to discern whether you and the one you are dating are called to mariage. So, if you’re not sure whether you are called to religious life or married life, would it be prudent to avoid any dating relationships? Or could a dating relationship, with a solid Catholic man/woman, help you discern whether you are called to religious life or married life?

I don’t wish to take a final position on the subject, but I have a problem with the idea of using romantic relationships to find out whether one’s called to religious life or not. In my view, a relationship should be there if there is hoping that the relationship partner be the eventual marriage partner.

 

[SaltySirena]

On the other side, chevalier, I am sure that most orders do not want members who hid from normal life, either.

But I do agree that it feels a little “usey” (I’m making up words now ) to date only as a means to discern a religious vocation.

 

[catherinette]

I have heard before that the purpose of dating is to discern whether you and the one you are dating are called to mariage. So, if you’re not sure whether you are called to religious life or married life, would it be prudent to avoid any dating relationships? Or could a dating relationship, with a solid Catholic man/woman, help you discern whether you are called to religious life or married life?

I have heard both philosophies, but I will say, I know of one case where a Catholic was dating another very good Catholic, and at that point, this person realized that even though they had a very good relationship with a wonderful person who had everything they could have wanted in a future spouse, they weren’t happy. Due to their restlessness, this person began discerning the religious life instead. In this particular case, the person had certainly not intended to use the other person as a means for discernment; due to their restlessness though, they realized they probably had a calling elsewhere. I think discernment takes many different courses for different people. If you don’t think you will be inordinately tempted by dating, then it might be the proper course of action if you believe you are called to marriage, yet also want to keep yourself open to the possibility you may be called to religious life.

 

[emhansen6019]

To all: Thank you very much for your advice.

For me, there’s really no one on the radar, but there are a few men at our Newman Center that I am a little attracted to. At this point in my life, I’m not sure whether God is calling me to marriage or religious life. I do a holy hour in front of the Blessed Sacrament daily, and some days I feel drawn to religious life while other days I feel drawn to marriage. I had spiritual direction for the first time this last semester at school, but our priest was re-assigned as the vocations director of our diocese, and he is not sure if he will continue doing spiritual direction. So, I hope to start spiritual direction shortly with our new priest at our Newman Center.

 

[chevalier]

On the other side, chevalier, I am sure that most orders do not want members who hid from normal life, either.

But I do agree that it feels a little “usey” (I’m making up words now ) to date only as a means to discern a religious vocation.

Orders are not necessarily right on every bend of their philosophy. Pursuing a woman when you’re interested is not hiding from normal life. But pursuing a woman just because you want to find out what dating’s like or because you want some hugging and smooching, that doesn’t qualify as merely not hiding from normal life.

What cannot be worked around is the fact that we cannot use other people as means - this is a point where both we and the Kantists agree. In my impression, John Paul II didn’t go as far as the Kantists did - for example, he realised soldiers were used as means, not knowing the purpose of combat missions they were being sent on, but they had the same purpose as their commander - the service of their country.

While I realise that in the normal course of events a lot of “manning up” or “womanning up” if you want to call it like that, happens in the course of “dating” and similar activities, so there’s gaining experience and learning about people’s reactions. But dating for notches on the belt would be off and similarly a problem occurs to me in the idea of pursuing women in order to find out whether one’s supposed to be a priest. What I haven’t solved, however, is the extent to which the consent of those women could possibly make it fine somehow. We don’t hold it against people when they’re young and they date not knowing what they’ll be doing in life, but the example with discernment tools generally brings forward the impression that people are indeed being used as tools, which invites some reserve.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

I have heard before that the purpose of dating is to discern whether you and the one you are dating are called to mariage.

As far as I know, that is true.

So, if you’re not sure whether you are called to religious life or married life, would it be prudent to avoid any dating relationships? Or could a dating relationship, with a solid Catholic man/woman, help you discern whether you are called to religious life or married life?

I think it would be OK, as long as you’re honest with the other person; however, I think it would be a little disingenuous if you weren’t upfront about the fact that you’re still discerning the religious life. After you tell him, it’s his decision whether he still wants to date you. Anyway, just my $0.02. Best of luck to you!