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southcatholic08
Guest
How can you tell if the person your dating is lying or if your just being paranoid?
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noclevername
Guest
I have learned over the years to go with your gut. There have been studies that show that something in your subconscious is using something you have learned in the past that you may not be completely aware of but it gives you that “gut” feeling. In other words, trust it. If you are only dating then find someone else who doesn’t give you that feeling. I know that sounds harsh but I am 37 years old and I have learned the hard way that this the way to do it. If you stay you will invest more time and effort and when you eventually find out your gut is right you it will be harder to leave and you will start justifying why you should stay.
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chevalier
Guest
Gut feelings are often right. It’s not enough to assign blame on that basis, but it’s enough to be worried and look into the matter. Liars have a very specific body language unless they’re good at it - and lack of body language can sometimes be a giveaway too, so it’s not enough just to avoid it.
The way they speak is a bit different, too. I will not give you specific clues as to body language because I believe you should rather read a book (even a simple guide) with all the proper caveats about how it isn’t always perfectly accurate etc. As for how they speak, you can tell if they want you to believe them rather than simply narrating the facts. You can probably tell someone wanting you to believe him because his story is unprobable but he’s talking the truth, from someone who wants you to believe him so he could kid you more. Generally, if it sounds insincere, it likely is. Be aware, though, that some truth-telling people will abruptly end the discussion if accused of lying (I do, for instance) and some liars will play offended well. Some truth-telling people will desperately beg you to believe them and some liars will play innocent well.
Omissions, glossing over things, changing the subject, reacting with anger to a certain subject or question, that kind of thing suggests there’s something to hide. Working out the facts on a logical level is a good way to spot a liar too, actually. While it’s true that a successful liar needs a coherent story and the truth is not always coherent, most criminals are caught and most liars are spotted as well in the end. That means they make mistakes. In my experience, liars don’t try to show you logical proof they are not lying.
Also, sometimes if people are defensive about something they say or said, it doesn’t mean they lied. Sometimes it’s secrets, sometimes it’s difficult truths, sometimes they unwittingly gave false information. They may very well look like liars but not be guilty of that.
At any rate, in a dating scenario, you need a serious conversation. If there are trust issues, you need to tell the person and sort it out. No cotton wraps.
The way they speak is a bit different, too. I will not give you specific clues as to body language because I believe you should rather read a book (even a simple guide) with all the proper caveats about how it isn’t always perfectly accurate etc. As for how they speak, you can tell if they want you to believe them rather than simply narrating the facts. You can probably tell someone wanting you to believe him because his story is unprobable but he’s talking the truth, from someone who wants you to believe him so he could kid you more. Generally, if it sounds insincere, it likely is. Be aware, though, that some truth-telling people will abruptly end the discussion if accused of lying (I do, for instance) and some liars will play offended well. Some truth-telling people will desperately beg you to believe them and some liars will play innocent well.
Omissions, glossing over things, changing the subject, reacting with anger to a certain subject or question, that kind of thing suggests there’s something to hide. Working out the facts on a logical level is a good way to spot a liar too, actually. While it’s true that a successful liar needs a coherent story and the truth is not always coherent, most criminals are caught and most liars are spotted as well in the end. That means they make mistakes. In my experience, liars don’t try to show you logical proof they are not lying.
Also, sometimes if people are defensive about something they say or said, it doesn’t mean they lied. Sometimes it’s secrets, sometimes it’s difficult truths, sometimes they unwittingly gave false information. They may very well look like liars but not be guilty of that.
At any rate, in a dating scenario, you need a serious conversation. If there are trust issues, you need to tell the person and sort it out. No cotton wraps.
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Feanaro_s_Wife
Guest
**Well, first you start with YOU. Do you have a history of paranoia/anxiety/trust issues?
If you do, that can significantly affect all relationships, including dating ones and you owe it to yourself and the other person to get it sorted out before dating.
And being an anxious type of person also leaves you open to being manipulated. It makes it easy for the other person to tell you that your suspicions are all in your head and have you believe it.
If you are generally a level-headed person and you have reason to suspect a person is lying to you, don’t ignore it!
It is often helpful to talk with people who know you well (family, friends etc) and get their opinion since they often have insight that we can miss just from being “too close” to the situation.
Also, if you know the guy’s family and friends, a lot can be discovered by observing their opinions and reactions to him.
Another thing to consider is that not all lies are equal. While lying about little things can often be a sign of bigger issues, it isn’t always. So what do you suspect he is lying about?**
If you do, that can significantly affect all relationships, including dating ones and you owe it to yourself and the other person to get it sorted out before dating.
And being an anxious type of person also leaves you open to being manipulated. It makes it easy for the other person to tell you that your suspicions are all in your head and have you believe it.
If you are generally a level-headed person and you have reason to suspect a person is lying to you, don’t ignore it!
It is often helpful to talk with people who know you well (family, friends etc) and get their opinion since they often have insight that we can miss just from being “too close” to the situation.
Also, if you know the guy’s family and friends, a lot can be discovered by observing their opinions and reactions to him.
Another thing to consider is that not all lies are equal. While lying about little things can often be a sign of bigger issues, it isn’t always. So what do you suspect he is lying about?**
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southcatholic08
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Feanaro_s_Wife
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Well, knowing yourself takes time and experience. It is impossible to know if we are being lied to. We can suspect it, but that doesn’t make it so.
But in this case, just having a girl not reply “right away” doesn’t seem like she is hiding anything but does seem like you are focused to much on how you expect things to be. For example, you may reply immediately if it were you. She may not. Neither is right or wrong, just different.
You need to figure out what is important to you and look for those qualities in a girl. And you need to focus on what being a good boyfriend means and make sure you are doing all you can to be one. And getting suspicious about how long it takes her to reply to an email is something that will make most girls turn around and run.
p.s. healthy people (emotionally) don’t have their “guard up”. You might want to look into this further and see what you can do to not assume the worst about people before you date
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Sierrah
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Watch their actions. People will say anything but their actions and how they treate others and follow through tells the story.
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Bulldawg
Guest
I agree with Feanaro’s Wife. I know this from experience.
I have a form of paranoia where I think that everyone I know is lying to me and making fun of me behind my back and stuff.
I didn’t realize I had a problem. It caused my first gf to leave me. And some of my friendships were strained. It even started creating problems with my current girlfriend (soon to be engaged) but THANKFULLY through prayer I relized that I was the one with the problem not everyone around me.
My current girlfriend and I worked everything out. I have gotten to the point where the paranoia aint there much but it does creep back sometimes.
I think you may want to look at your self and see if maybe its you. Do you have the same feelings about other people you know?
I have a form of paranoia where I think that everyone I know is lying to me and making fun of me behind my back and stuff.
I didn’t realize I had a problem. It caused my first gf to leave me. And some of my friendships were strained. It even started creating problems with my current girlfriend (soon to be engaged) but THANKFULLY through prayer I relized that I was the one with the problem not everyone around me.
My current girlfriend and I worked everything out. I have gotten to the point where the paranoia aint there much but it does creep back sometimes.
I think you may want to look at your self and see if maybe its you. Do you have the same feelings about other people you know?
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Lady_Bug
Guest
I don’t have experience to be able to answer this question, but I do feel the need to say something.
I am a very shy person - I could use a lot more self-confidence. As a result, if I had to answer an important question from someone who’s dating me, I might LOOK like I’m lying when I’m not. It’s a really weird trait I have sigh
Plus - I have little family and only one friend - who I pretty much never see anymore (I feel estranged from her for a few reasons). Like someone said, you can learn a lot about someone from their family and friends, but if you have little family and no friends, then the question lies as to whom you go for accountability.
Gee - I am an honest person and tries to be the most honest person I can be with others but I wonder if I’d look like a complete fraud if I were dating someone! sigh
I am a very shy person - I could use a lot more self-confidence. As a result, if I had to answer an important question from someone who’s dating me, I might LOOK like I’m lying when I’m not. It’s a really weird trait I have sigh
Plus - I have little family and only one friend - who I pretty much never see anymore (I feel estranged from her for a few reasons). Like someone said, you can learn a lot about someone from their family and friends, but if you have little family and no friends, then the question lies as to whom you go for accountability.
Gee - I am an honest person and tries to be the most honest person I can be with others but I wonder if I’d look like a complete fraud if I were dating someone! sigh
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chevalier
Guest
That is not a sign of hiding something. It seems you might be obsessing about the relationship. Normally people reply right away to short messages, but take a while to reply to longer ones. Sometimes people spend a lot of time thinking before sending, which causes delays. On the other hand, I can’t say that your hunches are definitely misguided - there might be something else going on and giving you hints. I couldn’t tell you without reading such an e-mail exchange and you shouldn’t show me her e-mails, so we have to do without it.
Let me therefore ask, what else makes you think she might be hiding something? What are the other things giving you the impression something is amiss? Or is it all such little things like her taking some time to reply?
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puzzleannie
Guest
I don’t know anybody who sits on their computer waiting for email so they can reply right away, but then I am totally out of touch with modern dating etiquette.
I go with FW, first look at yourself, do you tend to have anxious feelings, not paranoid, just perhaps jealously, do you tend to put the worst most alarmist spin on minor events. Get to know your own personality and that will be a guide for you, on whether you are over reacting.
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TLDenmark
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Pray about it, be honest yourself, ask questions (not the same as interrogating your dating partner), follow your gut feelings, pray some more and be ready to trust people.
God bless you
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God bless you
TL
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chevalier
Guest
Puzzleannie, he’s talking about the situation that occurs in some message boards or e-mail clients. The message is already marked as “read” by the recipient, but there is no reply coming.
Agreed. I had the same problem with “read” but not replied messages, although I didn’t go as far as suspecting a lie. I was more like obsessing and getting anxious. Later I realised I needed to get a life and spend time on hobbies even while having a girlfriend, instead of being on the wait.
On the other hand, the situation can tell us a bit if we know more details. When messages I’ve got are read but I haven’t replied yet, it means I’m either structuring my reply or, perhaps, analysing the original message to come up with the “right” reply (yeah, it sometimes gets into my head).
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TLDenmark
Guest
Being another naturally shy introvert myself, I doubt that very much. At least in my case, the opposite is the problem. While I do not open myself up to a lot of people, I really don’t know how to stop when I do. Frankly I am honest to a fault, to the point where I feel the urge to blabber out everything during the first couple of dates
.God bless you
TL
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southcatholic08
Guest
this sounds like the way things are for me. i felt the same way with my last two gf’s. i always thought that they were lieing even when there was no reason to think it. and iam doing the same with my gf now.
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southcatholic08
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I cant really think of anything that shes done to make me think it. I mean she even has a vlog on youtube and in one of them she was bragging about me.
I am really starting to think that its me with the problem
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chevalier
Guest
Possible. You don’t sound like a paranoid person except when you talk about the problems. Give her the benefit of doubt, but if there are many signs, don’t be deceived. I’ve been on both ends of this: I’ve been both the paranoid person and the one easily deceived. Pray… talk to a priest. He will help you find out more.
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