Dating and marriage questions

[angell1]

sorry, i have a few questions actually

first of all, i’ve noticed many of my acquaintances will check the phones of facebook accounts of their bf/gf just to see what they’re up to. does anyone else find this a bit weird? and then the other one always gets mad because they feel like their private space is being invaded. what do you guys thik of this? i personally thik it’s a bit immature and doesn’t foster trust very well

second, is it bad to have friends of the opposite sex if you’re dating or married/ i don’t see a problem with this myself but i understand it could potentialy be for some people.

third, i’ve heard from some devout people that it’s bad to date many people because it shows a lack of committment and it’s basically the same thing as getting married and divorced if you break up many times, just less official but the mentality is there. basically they think you should only ever have one person and that’s it. i don’t thik it is necessarily accurate but i don’t advocate having a milion partners either or recreational dating as many like to do

what are your thoughts?

 

[RedFox0456]

I don’t really get the whole “checking up” thing, as I trust my wife. I do see that as an obstacle to building a strong relationship.

There is no inherent problem with having friends in both genders, but your significant other may take issue. This one can be more situational.

Assuming this dating doesn’t involve sex, I do not see any issue with dating a few people. The point of that relationship is to get to know the person and then possibility court for marriage. If in the course of getting to know someone you realize you aren’t compatible then it would be absurd to not be able to seek someone with whom a closer bond might be forged.

 

[4love2God]

Angell1 said** : “I’ve noticed many of my acquaintances will check the phones of Facebook accounts of their bf/gf just to see what they’re up to.
Does anyone else find this a bit weird?
and then the other one always gets mad because they feel like their private space is being invaded.
What do you guys think of this?
I personally think it’s a bit immature, and doesn’t foster trust very well.”**

I haven’t heard of this Practice, but if a person lists information on his (or her) Facebook page, then they can hardly be Shocked that their Significant Other is reading it.

So, it sounds to me like these people are studying to become a Drama Queen.
But, hey, having some Drama in your Life can be inspiring.

Have you spoken with any of your Acquaintances about what you think?
I would be interested to hear from (1) a person who did the “dirty deed” … and (2) the one who felt violated.

And,** “second, is it bad to have friends of the opposite sex if you’re dating or married?
I don’t see a problem with this myself, but i understand it could potentially be for some people.”**

Almost anything has the potential to cause a Problem.
There is NOTHING “bad” with having a Friend, whether of your sex, or the other one.
Actually, the issue is confined to the Couple and the Friend.
If they are Happy about it … then I am Happy too.

It seems to me that if one is Married, that having a Friend like that is PERFECTLY all right.
However, in a Dating situation, I see the potential for hurt feelings (if they ASSUME that their Honey is spending some HOT time with the Opposite Sex).

But, most Relationships are based on Trust.
So, I would Trust my Wife to hang out with 20 different Men (and, she does have some).
Certainly I might feel differently if she stayed away Overnight with one of them.
I assume that they will act in a Platonic manner.
Trust is Never having to say : “Are you Cheating on me**?**”

And,** “third, i’ve heard from some devout people that it’s bad to date many people, because it shows a lack of commitment, and it’s basically the same thing as getting married and divorced if you break up many times, just less official but the mentality is there.”**

Well, First, there is Dating, and there is DATING.
If a person is NOT deeply involved in a Relationship, then she is FREE to see more than just her casual date guy.
However, if they are very Close, and considering getting Married, then the dynamics of their Relationship are changed somewhat.
At this point, anything more than Casual dating is pretty-darn inconsiderate.

As far as “it shows a lack of commitment” … well, that is the WHOLE Purpose of Dating … to find someone who you can Commit with.
So, that sounds pretty stupid to me.

And, as far as : "it’s bad to date many people, because … it’s basically the same thing as getting married and divorced if you break up many times."

This statement does not even make sense to me.
And, I would say that the people who feel this way are Demented in some way.

To follow this Logic, if I Dated (and Broke UP) with 5 women, I would accused (by all of your Devout friends) of having Multiple Wives (and, multiple Divorces).
That is pretty weak.
I would think that most of the people who think this way, had only ONE boyfriend in their Life, and Married him, and are angry at people lucky enough to Date several different Guys.
I smell a little Envy here, twisted to make a Moral argument about Divorce occurring at the End of Dating Relationships.
Especially when that woman PROUDLY announces that SHE would never do that.

 

[Xantippe]

angell1 said:

“third, i’ve heard from some devout people that it’s bad to date many people because it shows a lack of committment and it’s basically the same thing as getting married and divorced if you break up many times, just less official but the mentality is there. basically they think you should only ever have one person and that’s it. i don’t thik it is necessarily accurate but i don’t advocate having a milion partners either or recreational dating as many like to do.”

If it’s just casually going out to dinner or taking a walk, I don’t see why one shouldn’t date around before choosing somebody to see seriously. (This presupposes that one isn’t hot and heavy with all of these people.) I haven’t seen a number of guys at the same time myself (never had that many guys attempting to beat down my door), but it is a more practical approach. I can see how one might accidentally overdo it to the point where one wasn’t giving each one appropriate attention, but it’s actually more 1950s dating. The problem with seeing a number of people in a row “monogamously” is that one may get too serious too fast with somebody one doesn’t really like that much just out of inertia. I believe that in the secular dating world, it’s thought a good idea to eventually have a talk about exclusivity, but up until that happens, it’s not a reasonable expectation.

I have a friend who was seeing three guys at once and married the one who asked her to marry him first.

 

[Xantippe]

Also, the problem with condemning dating around a lot is that there are no guarantees that one will meet the right person in the first 15 tries.

I would suggest taking a break, though, if one finds oneself thinking stereotypical negative thoughts about the opposite sex.

 

[mommamaree]

1 - I do not check the Facebook account of my husband, nor did I ever. We recently decided to have a joint account, though, for convenience sake, because we are not heavy users of Facebook. I do check his text messages for him if he asks me to, usually if he is out of the room and wants to know who sent him a text. But I do not go through his texting/calling history. I do not check his email. The only reason I could see for any of those checking-up behaviors is if I had good reason to suspect an affair was occurring. But someone who behaves in a trustworthy fashion? Nah, that just sounds weird to me to be so curious or suspicious.

2 - friends of the opposite sex is fine, as long as propriety and boundaries is respected.

3 - dating does not require the same kind of commitment that marriage does. It is a modern form of courtship, and generally requires investing in more than one relationship before a suitable spouse is found. As long as one is conducting chaste courtships/dating relationships, there should be no problem if you have “dated” lots of people. People who marry later are likely to have more previous dating relationships than people who marry earlier. That is not their fault and should not be held against them.

 

[His_helpmeet]

3 - dating does not require the same kind of commitment that marriage does. It is a modern form of courtship, and generally requires investing in more than one relationship before a suitable spouse is found. As long as one is conducting chaste courtships/dating relationships, there should be no problem if you have “dated” lots of people. People who marry later are likely to have more previous dating relationships than people who marry earlier. That is not their fault and should not be held against them.

This depends on the kind of dating you’re doing, as a PP alluded to. If you’re talking casual dates where the intent is just to get to know each other, that’s one thing. I’ve gone out on a few dates like that. If you’re talking more serious dating, where you’re intending to have a relationship and be official boyfriend/girlfriend and stay together for a longer period, that can be problematic if you don’t intend to have a deeper commitment. This is why I think there is a benefit to evaluating every few months where you think the relationship is going. If you’re not willing to be committed, what’s the benefit in staying together for 6 months? If you’ve been together for 2 years and your relationship is going nowhere, do you really want to invest more into it? (The only person I ever seriously dated was my DH (dear husband) - and we knew we wanted to get married after dating for about 2-3 months, though we did wait about a year after that point before we married.)

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

sorry, i have a few questions actually

first of all, i’ve noticed many of my acquaintances will check the phones of facebook accounts of their bf/gf just to see what they’re up to. does anyone else find this a bit weird? and then the other one always gets mad because they feel like their private space is being invaded. what do you guys thik of this? i personally thik it’s a bit immature and doesn’t foster trust very well

second, is it bad to have friends of the opposite sex if you’re dating or married/ i don’t see a problem with this myself but i understand it could potentialy be for some people.

third, i’ve heard from some devout people that it’s bad to date many people because it shows a lack of committment and it’s basically the same thing as getting married and divorced if you break up many times, just less official but the mentality is there. basically they think you should only ever have one person and that’s it. i don’t thik it is necessarily accurate but i don’t advocate having a milion partners either or recreational dating as many like to do

what are your thoughts?

My wife and I do not have facebook. I have seen it destroy marriages. We do not hide or lock our email or phones. At any given time she has access to anything I may be communicating to others and I to her. I told my a relative and his fiancee who will be getting married this summer that anyone who locks their phone, hides it or gets nervous with a spouse seeing it is hiding something. I don’t consider it checking up on my wife when I see an email from Church sent to her account about adoration times changing. Or if she reads my text to our friends who just miscarried a baby. Husbands and wives are one.

As for friends of the opposite sex. Early on in the relationship this is normal. But if you have a good bit of maturity about it you will see that later, you will be friends with your spouse and that will be the relationship that towers over all others. I am not friends with all those girls I used to date, or was just friends with and we promised to be freinds for ever.

My wife and I have a deal. And it has been implemented on both sides very rarely. But we have veto rights on the other. Early on when we were dating, my wife (then girlfriend) had mice in her dorm room. She had a gay male friend and saw nothing wrong with crashing at his place until the mouse was disposed of. I did, I did not like it. I told her that I would appreciate it if she roomed with a female. She did not argue or tell me how ridiculous I was or that the guy was gay so nothing could happen, she just said ok! I had a dear friend who I dated and really was a big part of my life. My wife was not comfortable having my old girlfriends at our wedding so she told me she would rather we did not invite this woman. I said ok!

The thing is that if it makes my love and my dearest spouse uncomfortable, I choose to satisfy her, and she does the same for me. There has never really been an issue with this rule.
Later in life with the kids, with the jobs, with the bond of 12 years of marriage and 4 kids I have to ask myself WHY in the world would I want a woman “friend” at all!? And how would that figure into my time? What would I possibly have to base a friendship on with another woman?

 

[on_the_hill]

sorry, i have a few questions actually

first of all, i’ve noticed many of my acquaintances will check the phones of facebook accounts of their bf/gf just to see what they’re up to. does anyone else find this a bit weird? and then the other one always gets mad because they feel like their private space is being invaded. what do you guys thik of this? i personally thik it’s a bit immature and doesn’t foster trust very well

I agree. The person checking needs to develop some maturity, and learn to respect other people’s privacy.

second, is it bad to have friends of the opposite sex if you’re dating or married/ i don’t see a problem with this myself but i understand it could potentialy be for some people.

No, as a matter of fact I think it’s a good thing. It can help you understand your Significant Other better, and I don’t think it’s good to restrict oneself in such a way.

third, i’ve heard from some devout people that it’s bad to date many people because it shows a lack of committment and it’s basically the same thing as getting married and divorced if you break up many times, just less official but the mentality is there.

I disagree. Not that a person ought to capriciously flit from one dating relationship to another, but one of the ways people learn about other people is by interacting with them. And you never know what you’ll learn about others, or yourself, unless you’ve tried. Not to trivialize dating and relationships, but how many pairs of shoes do you try on before you find a pair to buy? How many cars does a person test-drive? How many houses toured before signing for a mortgage?

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

sorry, i have a few questions actually

first of all, i’ve noticed many of my acquaintances will check the phones of facebook accounts of their bf/gf just to see what they’re up to. does anyone else find this a bit weird? and then the other one always gets mad because they feel like their private space is being invaded. what do you guys thik of this? i personally thik it’s a bit immature and doesn’t foster trust very well

A lot of women and men have issues stemming from issues with those they’ve dated in the past. Beyond that many will take the “there should be no secrets between us” stance as their logic behind it. But if you can’t trust your bf/gf with the phone or Internet than what about when they have business trips?

second, is it bad to have friends of the opposite sex if you’re dating or married/ i don’t see a problem with this myself but i understand it could potentialy be for some people.

I’d say the nature of existing friendships may have to change a bit. The problem stems from the habit of some men to end up with female friends who were actually past romantic interest that went wrong and became friends. Even though both parties will never be anything more it seems many women have issues with knowing you are still in contact with any woman you may have been interested in. Not to mention exes that become friends.

third, i’ve heard from some devout people that it’s bad to date many people because it shows a lack of committment and it’s basically the same thing as getting married and divorced if you break up many times, just less official but the mentality is there. basically they think you should only ever have one person and that’s it. i don’t thik it is necessarily accurate but i don’t advocate having a milion partners either or recreational dating as many like to do

I can’t buy into that. Dating is actually a part of developing yourself. In dating you learn what is and isn’t important in a partner. You also gain profound insights into yourself. If you compare what you look for in a partner at 18 vs when you find the right one there is a world of difference. But then again, I can’t draw the same conclusions as others.

what are your thoughts?

Dating is essentially a long interview for the vocation of marriage. We date in part learn about others and more importantly ourselves especially when our true selves emerge a few months in. If you break up with someone and your still cordial enough a few weeks later I’d say talk to them and find out what went wrong. It’ll inform you about yourself and what to look for in a wife/husband.

 

[LongingSoul]

sorry, i have a few questions actually

first of all, i’ve noticed many of my acquaintances will check the phones of facebook accounts of their bf/gf just to see what they’re up to. does anyone else find this a bit weird? and then the other one always gets mad because they feel like their private space is being invaded. what do you guys thik of this? i personally thik it’s a bit immature and doesn’t foster trust very well

When you say ‘check’ the facebook account, do you mean get their password and look at the private message part or do you mean just look at the public profile and updates? I think the first option would be a similar invasion as going into someones phone or cupboards or diary without permission. If it is just looking at the public updates that all their friends can see, I think that is how it is meant to be isn’t it? I’m not much of a facebook user, but I gather that updating your status and having public conversations is meant to be part of your way of using facebook to convey the public image of yourself that you want people to see and know.

second, is it bad to have friends of the opposite sex if you’re dating or married/ i don’t see a problem with this myself but i understand it could potentialy be for some people.

Again, do you mean friend as within a wider group of mixed gender friends or more like friend you would sit in front of TV with or go to dinner with while your partner was at work or asleep or away? When I think of the closeness I have with girl friends of mine, I know I couldn’t relate or behave in the same way with a guy friend and be comfortable with that closeness, let alone what my husband would feel.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

There is a difference between dating and marriage. IMHO, when married, the couple should have access to each others accounts. My wife and I have access to each other’s Facebook accounts, email, etc. We can check each other’s accounts at any time. We rarely do, simply because we trust each other.

Casually dating is another story. Even when one has nothing to hide, I don’t believe that the couple should be giving out each other’s passwords. That’s simply because there is no expectation of permanence in the relationship, and real problems can result when the couple breaks up and they have access to each other’s accounts.

 

[E_7]

Please don’t read my post wrong, it may sound with a harsh tone, but it isn’t!

I disagree with most posters here and probably most people in these times. Call me a traditionalist, old-fashion or conservative, but personally, I believe dating more than one person at the same time is being disrespectful and dishonest. It would be like being unfaithful with your emotions, feelings, intellect and will. A person deserves and has the right to receive the other person as a whole. Being exclusive is a must. If I were to know that X is dating or seeing other woman than me, I would definitely dump him. Why? Because that person is telling me by his actions that he is not taking me seriously, and he is not worth my time.

In marriage too. You can be faithful to your spouse physically and spiritually, but what about emotionally? Spouses need to be careful to not develop any kind of emotional attachment to the opposite sex, otherwise that’s too being unfaithful. You must love your spouse as a whole (On a side note, this is also why we do NFP. If you use contraception, you are denying your spouse as a whole, created by God with all the reproductive system…). You would want that person’s emotions, mind, feelings, body, will, intellect, soul, ALL.

Also, have in mind the purpose of why you are dating. If you’re not looking forward to marriage, why bother? What are you looking for? Feeling temporarily good emotionally?

 

[TeachCatechism]

1. Checking Facebook accounts and the like usually means they don’t trust them or have questions. I did this with an ex because I have this feeling something was wrong and it was. Turned out while he claimed he didn’t want a relationship, he had a profile on Match.com. When I questioned him he blocked and unfriended me and I never spoke to him again.
2. I see nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, especially if there’s nothing there. I’m friends with many guys, most are married and friends with their wives as well. However if there is a friend where there is some interest it gets weird. I have a friend who is just a friend but I am interested in him. Supposedly he is interested in me, but right now he has issues. What this means in the future only God knows. Maybe it means we get together or maybe I find someone else. I know I would have a problem if he did find someone else because of my interest.
3. I believe in dating many people, just not sleeping or becoming sexual with them. I’ve dated several men where I dated once and there was nothing that happened on the date, not even a kiss on the cheek. Having sex with a lot of people while dating is wrong though and a mistake many make. It’s why many (especially) become bitter if they are single later in life.

 

[Mandychu22]

sorry, i have a few questions actually

first of all, i’ve noticed many of my acquaintances will check the phones of facebook accounts of their bf/gf just to see what they’re up to. does anyone else find this a bit weird? and then the other one always gets mad because they feel like their private space is being invaded. what do you guys thik of this? i personally thik it’s a bit immature and doesn’t foster trust very well

second, is it bad to have friends of the opposite sex if you’re dating or married/ i don’t see a problem with this myself but i understand it could potentialy be for some people.

third, i’ve heard from some devout people that it’s bad to date many people because it shows a lack of committment and it’s basically the same thing as getting married and divorced if you break up many times, just less official but the mentality is there. basically they think you should only ever have one person and that’s it. i don’t thik it is necessarily accurate but i don’t advocate having a milion partners either or recreational dating as many like to do

what are your thoughts?

1. My husband hasn’t accessed his facebook account in years, but even if he had I don’t think I’d be interested in checking up on him. I have access to his phone and computer, and only ever access them at his request or (with his phone) to check the time when I’m too lazy to go find mine.
2. Most of my friends are men because I’m in a male dominated field and have male dominated interests. I’ve also always had a difficult time relating to women because they seem to have different interests and priorities… that’s gotten a lot better in the past few years though, as I’ve met more people.

If my husband had objected to my friendships with men I don’t think I could have married him. It would have meant giving up the vast majority of the close relationships in my life. He trusts me, and I respect that trust by behaving appropriately. That doesn’t mean I don’t go out with male friends alone though… it means that the relationships I have with these men are clearly defined by us as platonic. If I ever suspected that their opinion on that had changed, I would avoid being alone with them. I think that’s something couples need to decide on their own.

1. Dating many people, imo, can mean many things. Going out to enjoy the company of the opposite sex is one thing, strings of short relationships and one night stands are another. I just can’t see getting along with someone who was engaging in, or thought it was appropriate to engage in, that sort of behavior. Once again, that’s something that depends on the people involved.

 

[Luvz2travel]

sorry, i have a few questions actually

first of all, i’ve noticed many of my acquaintances will check the phones of facebook accounts of their bf/gf just to see what they’re up to. does anyone else find this a bit weird? and then the other one always gets mad because they feel like their private space is being invaded. what do you guys thik of this? i personally thik it’s a bit immature and doesn’t foster trust very well

second, is it bad to have friends of the opposite sex if you’re dating or married/ i don’t see a problem with this myself but i understand it could potentialy be for some people.

third, i’ve heard from some devout people that it’s bad to date many people because it shows a lack of committment and it’s basically the same thing as getting married and divorced if you break up many times, just less official but the mentality is there. basically they think you should only ever have one person and that’s it. i don’t thik it is necessarily accurate but i don’t advocate having a milion partners either or recreational dating as many like to do

what are your thoughts?

1. I’ve got better things to do than check up on someone I’m dating. You either trust them or don’t. If you don’t then you should rethink dating the. This assumes you know them and have been dating awhile. Now if you just started dating I don’t see anything wrong with checking out their facebook or googling them to see if what they have told you about themselves is consistant with what is out there. That would be more of a safety issue though just to be sure once you know them to keep checking would be too much.
2. I see no problems with having friends of the opposite gender unless you make to much of them in front of you significant other.
3. I also don’t see an issue with dating more than one person at a time as long as you are honest about it. It used to be the standard thing to do nonseriously of course until one met someone they felt they could get more serious about. Nowdays people take dating more seriously in the begining stages then they should at least in my opinion but more is expected more quickly these days not necessarily for the better.

 

[Xantippe]

E_7 said:

“Call me a traditionalist, old-fashion or conservative, but personally, I believe dating more than one person at the same time is being disrespectful and dishonest.”

So if Bob takes you out on Friday one time, you have to stay home with your cats until he tells you he doesn’t want to go out with you anymore. Really?

The situation I think we’re all envisioning is that Bob takes Suzie out on Friday. Next Friday, Steve takes her out. The following Friday, Stan takes her out. A week later, Bob takes her out again. If any of these people wish to be exclusive with Suzie, they need to talk about it with Suzie. They don’t get to assume exclusivity from her unless they have promised exclusivity. In fact, the really traditional way to get a promise of exclusivity is to propose marriage.

Taking somebody out for dinner once does not mean that you have entered into an unbreakable monogamous bond with them.