Dating as a prerequisite to religious life

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Dear friends,

I apologize if this question has been asked before, but I’m wondering: do you think that the experience of a serious, intimate (not necessarily sexual) relationship is necessary before considering a celibate vocation?

I’m a 23-year old male, and I’ve been seriously considering a religious vocation for about a year now. I had a girlfriend when I was 14 (one of the middle school pseudo-dating things), had a few drunken “hook-ups” in college (big mistake), and I’ve genuinely been in love once (it didn’t work out), but I’ve never really had a serious relationship.

I definitely have a strong desire for marriage, for fatherhood, and for all the joys, frustrations, and responsibilities that the married vocation entails, and I feel like that’s a normal, healthy desire for any man. At the same time, I feel a “tug” in my heart, especially during prayer, to drop everything and run after God with every ounce of my being; to truly become nothing that He may become everything in me; to live the angelic life on earth; to dwell in silence, in the heart of the Church, sustaining the Body of Christ through the power of prayer.

This particular questions is perplexing. I’ve talked to several solid, orthodox priests, all of whom give different answers. What do you think? Must one “test out” dating to see if he is called to marriage, in the same way that one undergoes a postulancy in religious life? Thanks for the help!

God bless,

Chris
 
In my opinion, no. If you have a calling to the religious life, you need to discern that. It will become very clear whether you have a religious vocation as part of the discernment process. If you don’t, then you can pursue marriage if that is God’s will for you.

If you do have a vocation, however, the quickest way to kill it is to start dating girls. Trust me. Girls can be very…distracting.

And if you spend some time discerning your religious vocation, even if it turns out you don’t have one, you will have a great deal of peace. Because then you’ll know you aren’t called to that life. If you start dating, fall in love and get married, you’ll always have that tiny doubt in the back of your mind saying, “What if…”

But that’s just my opinion.
 
I would say definitely not! Like you, I am 23 years old. I have made application with a religious order (the TOR’s), and am waiting to hear back from them. I have not done any dating, either, as I pretty much always knew that the priesthood was where God was calling me. The order knows this, and seems to be willing to let me apply.
 
The “tug” to drop everything and follow God, I think, is something God gives to all of us. Jesus didn’t aim His saying that we must “renounce everything and follow Him” or “deny ourselves and pick up our cross” just at people in the consecrated life.

I don’t think you’re implying that, of course, but I would caution this: the call to be holy far transcends all of our vocations. Ultimately, all of our vocations, different as they are, are aimed at that end of holiness, and are in reality the best way we can live that vocation to holiness.

So while I would definitely say that you ought to consider it, I just think you may be confusing the signals you are getting (if you also feel very strongly about call to the married life). That desire to renounce the world and follow Jesus is something all Christians must follow according to their state in life.

You can live a prayerful life of immense holiness no matter what God calls you to do.

All of that said, if you do find a further “tug” to live in the way a consecrated religious does, then definitely pursue it. If you have a growing fascination with the religious life, and have also the competency and freedom to do it, then there is a chance that you are being called.

But one ought not to go to the religious life simply because one cannot get into a relationship with another person-- make sure your call is a positive call to the consecrated religious life, not a negative lack of a married life.

God bless.

-Rob
 
I would say that you should be careful. If you are thinking of being a priest and cannot be a married priest you should forget about the beautiful ladies. Otherwise you might slip up and become a Daddy and not a Father.

If you feel called to the celibate priesthood, go for it, don’t look back. But more importantly, find a good Spiritual Director to discuss this with. We are just average Joes/Janes and we don’t know anything about the Spiritual Life.

Trust your local holy persons, not armchair apologists/theologians.
 
Thank you all for your insightful, thoughtful responses. I especially like what you said, Seminarian X: time spent discerning a religious vocation is certainly not time wasted. If I spend some time in a particular place and discern that I am not called to that life, it will at least have been an opportunity to learn more about myself, to spend time in prayer, and to draw closer to God.

Incidentally, I am discerning a contemplative monastic calling, not the priesthood. Your prayers are appreciated!

God bless,

Chris
 
Dating is not a prerequisite for monastic life.

I second what Seminarian X said. Do not go out and date to see if that’s your vocation. We girls, just like you boys, can be very distracting. And as a single woman (way too old for you, dear one), I would not want to be some man’s “test case” for his vocation. That’s just really disrespectful.

Get into regular conversations with one orthodox priest about your questions, your concerns. See if there is a vocation retreat you could attend. Visit a monastery or two and talk with their director of novices. You’ll know.

I entered a monastery when I was 19. Scariest thing I ever did, leaving college, my friends, my car, my freedom, my identity, everything I’d ever known – but it was the most freeing and amazing time of my life (well, until I had my son). When I entered the monastery, I entered with the intention of living and dying there. I gave my all to that vocation, so I could hear God’s voice two years later when He told me it was time to leave.

God bless you. You’re in our family’s prayers as we regularly pray for those discerning a vocation to the priesthood/religious life.

Gertie
 
Gertabelle said:
I entered a monastery when I was 19. Scariest thing I ever did, leaving college, my friends, my car, my freedom, my identity, everything I’d ever known – but it was the most freeing and amazing time of my life (well, until I had my son). When I entered the monastery, I entered with the intention of living and dying there. I gave my all to that vocation, so I could hear God’s voice two years later when He told me it was time to leave.

God bless you. You’re in our family’s prayers as we regularly pray for those discerning a vocation to the priesthood/religious life.

Gertie
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Dear Gertie,

Wow, thank you for sharing your experience. I think you hit on something essential: commitment to the calling. My spiritual director recently told me that, whether one enters into a relationship with another personal or pursues a religious calling, he or she must do so wholeheartedly. He said, “If you enter into a relationship or a monastery with the notion of ‘trying it out,’ you’ll never make it through the difficult times.”

Your experience mirrors those sentiments, and it’s something that I’ll be sure to remember. I appreciate your prayers, as well! Please be assured of mine.

God bless,

Chris
 
A strong no and I feel bad whenever I read a yes to that question.
 
don’t know about dating but certainly mature healthy friendships with peers of both sexes should be a prerequisite.
 
puzzleannie said:
don’t know about dating but certainly mature healthy friendships with peers of both sexes should be a prerequisite.
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This “mature healthy friendships” is one of the things I have read seminaries are looking for. Even in a monastery, you will be in relationship with other people.
 
You can socialize but not anything more than socialize, as then it can lead into an occasion for sin. Being able to socialize and interact with people is important as long as it doesn’t lead to sin.

To date is akin to me dating other women to check to see if I really was in love with my wife before I married her. Foster your relationship with the Church. I am sure that dating other women would destroy our relationship and lead me to sin. It would certainly be tempting and I could make excuses why I should date other girls just to check the maturity of our relationship, but I would just be lying to myself.

Even as a married man I deliberately minimize my interaction with other women to not tempt me and lead me to sin. This would be even more so if I was single and technically “available”. Underneath it all we all have temptation to sin and not dedicate ourselves fully to God.

God Bless
Scylla
 
Thepeug said:
Dear friends,

I apologize if this question has been asked before, but I’m wondering: do you think that the experience of a serious, intimate (not necessarily sexual) relationship is necessary before considering a celibate vocation?

I’m a 23-year old male, and I’ve been seriously considering a religious vocation for about a year now. I had a girlfriend when I was 14 (one of the middle school pseudo-dating things), had a few drunken “hook-ups” in college (big mistake), and I’ve genuinely been in love once (it didn’t work out), but I’ve never really had a serious relationship.

I definitely have a strong desire for marriage, for fatherhood, and for all the joys, frustrations, and responsibilities that the married vocation entails, and I feel like that’s a normal, healthy desire for any man. At the same time, I feel a “tug” in my heart, especially during prayer, to drop everything and run after God with every ounce of my being; to truly become nothing that He may become everything in me; to live the angelic life on earth; to dwell in silence, in the heart of the Church, sustaining the Body of Christ through the power of prayer.

This particular questions is perplexing. I’ve talked to several solid, orthodox priests, all of whom give different answers. What do you think? Must one “test out” dating to see if he is called to marriage, in the same way that one undergoes a postulancy in religious life? Thanks for the help!

God bless,

Chris
Click to expand...
It is good to be familiar with many different vocations- don’t just follow the one that is most familiar, or seems the most comfortable at the time. Always continue to discern your vocation. I know priests who dated a lot- maybe even were engaged one or more times. I’ve also known priests who never dated. I’ve known former seminarians who were dead set on becoming priests until they met a girl and ended up getting married. I’ve known men who were dead set on being husbands and fathers, faught against their true vocation for years, but finally gave in and are amazing priests today. Find a good spiritual director, and see him regularly. Maintain an active prayer life, and be sure to receive the sacraments- especially the Eucharist and Confession- regularly. God will reveal His will for your life in His own time- be sure to keep your eyes and ears open for his answers.
 
There are several female saints who refused to date. They knew they were meant for the convent and resisted any attempts by their parents to do so.
 
Thank you all for your recent insights. They are a tremendous blessing.

God bless,

Chris
 
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