Dating as friends becomes a possible issue

[Mannyfit75]

Manny,

I keep seeing you talk about how in love you are with her, but is that love reciprocated? Does she have the same feelings toward you? Not that you have to have someone love you back to love them, but it would be a shame to see you pursue this relationship just to see it fall apart in a few months because she had mixed feelings.

I am **not in love **with her. I think I am infatuated by her. I just meet her and know her for a month. To fall in love is deeper than that. What I am feeling is infatuation which can be confused with love.

Both she and I are not even looking for a relationship, but by my nature, I can easily fall into infatuation. I never expected to be infatuation. It was something that I didn’t plan. I’m sure this stage of infatuation won’t last. Then again it can be remain for 36 months or more.

As someone who has spent a semester already in college seminary, I can tell you that in many cases, it takes more effort to leave than it does to enter. Some may disagree with me, but in my limited experience thus far, leaving is much more traumatic than coming in. Why is this? I think the biggest reason is the unspoken but incorrect expectation from each seminarian that because they have entered seminary, they will go all eight years (or however long the individual is scheduled to be in formation) and come out as a priest.

I am not there yet. I say yet because I have made arrangements to attend St. Charles Barromeo Seminary.

If you want to live in a bubble for eight years, then MAYBE that will happen. However, the majority of us have to come to grips with the fact that we may wake up one day and realize that we are simply not where God wants us to be. And it can be that fast, or it can be a growing feeling of restlessness over a few months. Understand that this distraction you don’t want could very easily be an open door that will not stay open forever.

Overcoming these feelings takes time and patience.

So, am I telling you not to enter seminary? No. Am I telling you not to date this girl and see where it goes? No. I think what it comes down to is a personal discernment by you as to whether you want to have your cake or you want to eat it, because as we all know, the married life and the priesthood are mutually exclusive. In our Catholic faith, you simply cannot participate in both simultaneously.

I am well aware that I either seek the priestly life or marriage life. It has to be one or the other. At this point, I am not so sure anymore.

One thing I will recommend is making a Holy Hour in front of the Blessed Sacrament wherever you can find the Eucharist exposed- chapel, parish, etc. Please don’t underestimate what sitting in front of Jesus for an hour can do, even if you go there doing all the listening. I am personally a huge chatterbox and learning how to listen to Jesus has been a much bigger blessing than talking to him ever was.

I just started doing a Holy Hour a week ago. I plan to go when time is given to me. I have also been going to Daily Mass on the days I am able to do so.

I wish you the best of luck my friend, and please feel free to PM me if you ever need anything.

Yours In Christ,

Tim

Prayer is all I need. I need to know what God has instore for me.

 

[qui_est_ce]

I just started doing a Holy Hour a week ago. I plan to go when time is given to me. I have also been going to Daily Mass on the days I am able to do so.

Hey Manny,
I just started doing Holy Hour in October at the urging of PO18GUY. I have been doing 1st Saturdays, although they offer it every Saturday in my parish. I thought daily mass was sufficient, in that it is “complete.” But like Sem Tim, I am chatty, and I am now working on “being.” I thought I would be bored, but now I actually look forward to being with Jesus. I would go more, but I need to be at home too!

Prayer is all I need. I need to know what God has instore for me.

There’s a lot of prayer out there for you right now, Manny. Christ’s peace to you, brother.

 

[Mannyfit75]

Hey Manny,
I just started doing Holy Hour in October at the urging of PO18GUY. I have been doing 1st Saturdays, although they offer it every Saturday in my parish. I thought daily mass was sufficient, in that it is “complete.” But like Sem Tim, I am chatty, and I am now working on “being.” I thought I would be bored, but now I actually look forward to being with Jesus. I would go more, but I need to be at home too!

That is good. I encourage everyone to do a holy hour.

There’s a lot of prayer out there for you right now, Manny. Christ’s peace to you, brother.

Thanks.

 

[Mannyfit75]

If you’re not 100% sure it was God who called you to priesthood, you first need to tell your friend that you need about a month away from her to think things out. Then you need to prayerfully consider what God wants from you. And you need spiritual direction during that time. Go on retreat if possible to discern. You need to listen to God, not your friend and not your infatuation feelings. If God is asking you to do something, say yes and do whatever you need to do (dissolve your friendship) to successfully follow through with what God is asking of you.

Cutting her off is the last thing I want to do right now. I don’t wish to do it. I do believe that establishing my friendship with her is important. She is deployed and so am I. Soldiers back each other. She is one and so am I.

She is the only one (other than the priest) who I can relate to right now. I also feel completely comfortable around her.

 

[anamchara]

I know her for a month. I consider her to be a dear friend of mine. I try not to fall for her, which makes it extremely difficult to avoid because what I am feeling is infatuation.

Sorry, I read the date of when you met her wrong. Another thing I’d like to add Manny about infatuation, it comes on extremely fast and can fade just as quickly. It may very well be the beginning of real love. I wouldn’t write it off as infatuation so easily. I’m just being honest.

 

[anamchara]

Manny,

I keep seeing you talk about how in love you are with her, but is that love reciprocated? Does she have the same feelings toward you? Not that you have to have someone love you back to love them, but it would be a shame to see you pursue this relationship just to see it fall apart in a few months because she had mixed feelings.

As someone who has spent a semester already in college seminary, I can tell you that in many cases, it takes more effort to leave than it does to enter. Some may disagree with me, but in my limited experience thus far, leaving is much more traumatic than coming in. Why is this? I think the biggest reason is the unspoken but incorrect expectation from each seminarian that because they have entered seminary, they will go all eight years (or however long the individual is scheduled to be in formation) and come out as a priest. If you want to live in a bubble for eight years, then MAYBE that will happen. However, the majority of us have to come to grips with the fact that we may wake up one day and realize that we are simply not where God wants us to be. And it can be that fast, or it can be a growing feeling of restlessness over a few months. Understand that this distraction you don’t want could very easily be an open door that will not stay open forever.

So, am I telling you not to enter seminary? No. Am I telling you not to date this girl and see where it goes? No. I think what it comes down to is a personal discernment by you as to whether you want to have your cake or you want to eat it, because as we all know, the married life and the priesthood are mutually exclusive. In our Catholic faith, you simply cannot participate in both simultaneously.

One thing I will recommend is making a Holy Hour in front of the Blessed Sacrament wherever you can find the Eucharist exposed- chapel, parish, etc. Please don’t underestimate what sitting in front of Jesus for an hour can do, even if you go there doing all the listening. I am personally a huge chatterbox and learning how to listen to Jesus has been a much bigger blessing than talking to him ever was.

I wish you the best of luck my friend, and please feel free to PM me if you ever need anything.

Yours In Christ,

Tim

Great post Tim, very sound advice.

 

[johnnydigit]

hahah i’m sorry, i just read your original post and think it’s hilarious. i skipped the rest of the thread because the same thing happened to me and i just want to respond. i’m sure there are good responses here and you should consider them but i’ll just get to my point.

-pray. whenever you get those thoughts, pray. the Rosary saved my life. when i felt my lowest, as if my guts were ripped out, i did a Rosary and it miraculously lifted my spirit. of course the infatuation pitfalls come back again, but not so bad since i’ve really learned to use the gift of prayer and our Blessed Mother’s secret weapon to combat evil.

-ditch her. cut off contact. just like removing a band-aid - RIGHT OFF! delete her pictures. take her off your contact lists and phone. just like other vices, if you want her out of your mind, then you need to clear out your environment and avoid any occasion of sin. if she is truly your friend and as holy as you say she is, she will understand. accept that you are weak and that if you even see her at Mass, it may stir things up for you.

-let time pass. keep busy at church, in church groups, and volunteering and helping the poor and needy. when you are over her (for the most part), maybe you can say hi and see how her life is going.

-rely on God and trust He will take care of everything, for the both of you. who knows, maybe in the future you may be together.

-send me some money to pay off my debt and travel expenses when visiting orders.

 

[Mannyfit75]

-ditch her. cut off contact. just like removing a band-aid - RIGHT OFF! delete her pictures. take her off your contact lists and phone. just like other vices, if you want her out of your mind, then you need to clear out your environment and avoid any occasion of sin. if she is truly your friend and as holy as you say she is, she will understand. accept that you are weak and that if you even see her at Mass, it may stir things up for you.

Like I said before. **I will not ditch her or cut her off. She is a friend. What I am feeling is inflatuation. This will come to pass, and I will get over it. ** The woman has feelings. She been through a lot based on our discussion. Cutting her off would probably do more harm than good. I would feel guilty if she becomes hurt. So no.

I will not abandon her. I never abandon friends whether or not they are just friends or serious friends.

Consider this factor, she and I are deployed in Iraq. Do you think romance can really happen in the combat zone? I doubt it. If it does, so it be. Let God’s will be done whatever it may be.

 

[johnnydigit]

Like I said before. **I will not ditch her or cut her off. She is a friend. What I am feeling is inflatuation. This will come to pass, and I will get over it. ** The woman has feelings. She been through a lot based on our discussion. Cutting her off would probably do more harm than good. I would feel guilty if she becomes hurt. So no.

I will not abandon her. I never abandon friends whether or not they are just friends or serious friends.

Consider this factor, she and I are deployed in Iraq. Do you think romance can really happen in the combat zone? I doubt it. If it does, so it be. Let God’s will be done whatever it may be.

do you think you would really be doing it for her, or is it really more for yourself?

doing God’s will with your life is more important than worrying about having friends. God will take care of your friend if you go on “leave” for a while.

you want your infatuation to be gone, yet you want to stay with her. you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. unless someone has some kind of magic psychotherapy, in which case i’d like to hear about it too.

psychology 101 - social psychology - attraction: proximity, appearance, similarity, reciprocity (they like you). frequency of contact. “attraction is heightened under anxiety provoking circumstances.”
what things can you change?
appearance - you cant change their appearance, well unless you make yourself think she’s ugly?
similarity - change things you both like?
reciprocity - make her dislike you?
proximity / frequency - the easiest choice. see her less. stay away.

let’s face it. you want her. you’ll do anything you can to get her as long as you can figure out a way to justify it. you also want to discern God’s will for your vocation. religious life conflicts with married life. if you stay with her, you’ll be leaning yourself towards married life. it will be very difficult for you to give religious life a chance.

i read somewhere, “don’t waste the best years of a girl’s life if there is a possibility you will be a religious”. it sucks i know, because i am going through the same thing. even worse, i hear the girls will be all over you when they find out you are/were a seminarian. pray…

 

[Mannyfit75]

do you think you would really be doing it for her, or is it really more for yourself?

Friends don’t abandon friends. Even one friend died for our sake so that we can be saved from our sins.

My friend, I don’t abandon friends for the sake of love of neighbor.

doing God’s will with your life is more important than worrying about having friends. God will take care of your friend if you go on “leave” for a while.

Doing God’s will can be either a call to married life or religious life. I cannot predict the future. I can’t dwell it in. Whatever his call is I will accept.

you want your infatuation to be gone, yet you want to stay with her. you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. unless someone has some kind of magic psychotherapy, in which case i’d like to hear about it too.

I want to remain in relationship with her because her presence makes me feel comfortable. There is nothing sexual in it. Rather, my attraction for her is based on her love for God. She volunteer for the choir and she is also a Eucharistic Minister. I never meet a devout Catholic woman who loves her faith. That alone attracts me to her.

psychology 101 - social psychology - attraction: proximity, appearance, similarity, reciprocity (they like you). frequency of contact. “attraction is heightened under anxiety provoking circumstances.”

attraction is part of our nature. We act upon it base on several factors.

what things can you change?

Remain friends with her and let God’s will dictate its course.

appearance - you cant change their appearance, well unless you make yourself think she’s ugly?

She’s very beautiful physically and internally.

similarity - change things you both like?

None of your business.

reciprocity - make her dislike you?

That’s none of your business either.

proximity / frequency - the easiest choice. see her less. stay away.

I would never stay away from her.

let’s face it. you want her. you’ll do anything you can to get her as long as you can figure out a way to justify it. you also want to discern God’s will for your vocation. religious life conflicts with married life. if you stay with her, you’ll be leaning yourself towards married life. it will be very difficult for you to give religious life a chance.

Deeply, I do want her. I want to love her the way God intends a man ought to love his wife. That is want I want deeply. However, she and I are not looking for a serious relationship, friendship remains the option.

If I remain with her and end up married to her. So be it.

i read somewhere, “don’t waste the best years of a girl’s life if there is a possibility you will be a religious”. it sucks i know, because i am going through the same thing. even worse, i hear the girls will be all over you when they find out you are/were a seminarian. pray…

I am a very prayful person. I pray the Vespers daily… and when I have the time, I go to daily Mass, say the rosary and divine Mercy chaplet. I also do a holy hour after daily Mass when it is given to me. I ask God and Mary for guidance. I even speak to my Spiritual Director about my path.

I like to make it clear to you. Cutting her off is not good for me, or for her. If I do it I would not only hurt her, but I would hurt myself internally.

Other than that, your advise though fruitful doesn’t seem right because in the end people will get hurt.

I have talk to my own natural mother, and she advises to explore your options. Seek her friendship and let God determine the course. Fr. Corapi said, “Leave the past to God’s mercy. Leave the future to God’s providence. Live the present. The present is a gift from God. That is why it is call the present.”

I cannot dwell so much on my feelings. I have to treat my friend as a friend. Respect her in the best way I could, and support her as best way I can. Friends do not abandon friends. That is un-Christian conduct, and contrary to love thy neighbor.

 

[johnnydigit]

consult your spiritual director and obey him. other than yourself, only he would know you best.

personally, and please take it with a grain of salt, i think if you continue on your path it will destroy your vocation. it’s like trying to be a vegetarian and wanting to keep a steak around your neck.

anywho, whatever your decision our prayers are with you. i think it’s one of the most difficult career decisions on earth so be patient and don’t worry about my crassness. keep praying and things will work out. God bless!

 

[Mannyfit75]

consult your spiritual director and obey him. other than yourself, only he would know you best.

I have know him for a long enough. I meet him at St. Charles Barromeo Seminar. He was one of the guest speakers.

personally, and please take it with a grain of salt, i think if you continue on your path it will destroy your vocation. it’s like trying to be a vegetarian and wanting to keep a steak around your neck.

There are three times of vocation, married life, single life, and religious. My vocation would not be destroyed. Rather, my vocation would be married life if God will it.

So I disagree, there is no path of destruction of my vocation. The vocation will be just different. I think you meant that if I persue this friendship with my female friend, I won’t be able to become a priest.

I also like to make it clear that neither I, nor my friend are seeking a relationship at the moment.

anywho, whatever your decision our prayers are with you. i think it’s one of the most difficult career decisions on earth so be patient and don’t worry about my crassness. keep praying and things will work out. God bless!

I pray always. Do you?

 

[ASimpleSinner]

I don’t want to sound harsh or to “fast and quick” but an additional layer of discernment that needs to be considered when it comes to “dating” is simple: “Do you see yourself marrying this girl and having a family with her?”

American style dating is, in many regards, “bad news”. It leads to feeding infatuation and an overly romanticized ideal of “love” with a person that the “dater” may or may not have intentions of considering marriage with.

To make a difficult situation more confusing (sorry about that) what really needs to be considered is marriage potential. If you and she and a spiritual director cannot see marriage as a vocation, the dating should probably stop.

 

[Mannyfit75]

I don’t want to sound harsh or to “fast and quick” but an additional layer of discernment that needs to be considered when it comes to “dating” is simple: “Do you see yourself marrying this girl and having a family with her?”

Well, this is rather late. I already made up my mind. I have followed my mother’s advise concerning this friend of mine, and trust in God to decide what my vocation will be.

While I do have interest in this woman. I would not address her as a girl since she is over 21 years old. She is mature enough to be called a woman. Girls would be someone under 21 yrs of age for me.

Marriage at this point is too early. I just meet her and know her for over a month now. Relationships develop overtime. It requires extreme patience. Second, what I have now is purely friendship.

American style dating is, in many regards, “bad news”. It leads to feeding infatuation and an overly romanticized ideal of “love” with a person that the “dater” may or may not have intentions of considering marriage with.

Inflatuation is part of any form of relationship. It can even happen to mutual friends of opposite sex. All romance starts out that way. The seriousness of the relationship is determine by both parties.

To make a difficult situation more confusing (sorry about that) what really needs to be considered is marriage potential. If you and she and a spiritual director cannot see marriage as a vocation, the dating should probably stop.

At this point, I have not talk to my current spiritual director about this. I have told his precessor and his advise to me was to tell her the truth.

Considering the fact that I am not in the seminary, ceasing the date would be not advisable at this point. It would make sense if I am in the seminary, but I am not.

I don’t like to ponder on the future so much. I do not know what the future holds for me. I know one thing, I must trust God who will determine my true vocation. Whatever it is, whether married life or religious, I will accept. At this point, my relationship with this woman is just mutual friends. I am going to take my time to deal with this situation.

I do appreciate your advise but I have follow the advise of my mother since I know for certain moms knows what is best for their children.