Dating Choices of Young Catholic Men

[Havard]

Oh trust me, I know I am ugly and not attractive… you don’t get to be a 31 year old single and be attractive… I never said I believed it when people said it’s men not you… and I never said that I think I am attractive… what I did say was that I have noticed a pattern of Catholic men in my area dating non-Catholic girls, and of vivacious and attractive Catholic women (so not me) not get asked out by the men around, but have men outside the Church fight over her… so it has me noticing a pattern of Catholic men seemingly not wanting to date Catholic women, and of Church seemingly being a poor place to meet Catholic men… whether you’re me, or anyone else…

I know this is a bit of a tangent, but Guest12, you have to believe in your beauty. Not in a vain way, but as an acceptance of the gift of it. Everyone has a natural beauty, and embracing it in a healthy way brings it out more. Believe me, when a woman has a positive self-image, it becomes self-fulfilling. Even if it’s just a change of thinking.

 

[Edmundus1581]

Firstly, as most others have said, yes it is hard to find good Catholic young men, and if you have set yourself high standards then there is no point compromising just for the sake of getting a date.

However, keep to your high standards in the things which are most important - namely a man’s moral fibre. You haven’t said this, but if you have a long list such as “good job, education, sense of humour,…” then you may be making it too hard for yourself.

Oh trust me, I know I am ugly and not attractive… you don’t get to be a 31 year old single and be attractive… I never said I believed it when people said it’s men not you… and I never said that I think I am attractive…

I have seen a couple of young Catholic women in our parish who obviously think that of themselves. To me, they could be very attractive if they took their best asset (their Catholic faith) and changed how they present themselves. Instead of wearing clothes and a demeanour which say “I know I’m not attractive” if they were to wear flattering clothes and a bright expression they could be getting dates from Catholic guys (if any were available!). One of them has just the most beautiful eyes and gentle expression, but hides it most of the time.

I know this is a bit of a tangent, but Guest12, you have to believe in your beauty. Not in a vain way, but as an acceptance of the gift of it. Everyone has a natural beauty, and embracing it in a healthy way brings it out more. Believe me, when a woman has a positive self-image, it becomes self-fulfilling. ** Even if it’s just a change of thinking.**

A change of thinking is a good start, but if you are single and looking then you also need to make a few visible changes to “play the game”. Dating is, to some degree, a “game” with rules, and one of the rules is that you have to do a few things to make yourself attractive. A man has to get a job, practice hygiene, learn to dance (or a similar social skill), learn to talk to women, cover up some of his flaws, etc. I won’t presume to say what a woman should do, but I think you can find that advice amongst other women.

Guys won’t tell you what they are looking for, any more than girls will tell guys what they are looking for! You’ve got to try and work it out yourself, with a bit of help from older members of your own sex.

---

I agree with all this…

Try starting a singles group. I wouldn’t necessarily join a YA group at my age (38), but I may be tempted to join a singles group or attend events a singles group is putting on. I’m sure there are men and women who are in their 30’s and above who’d feel silly joining a group labeled YA. I’d also be there are some singles who aren’t group joiners, but who are desperately looking for a mate and would attend a singles group meeting or event.

With you being an educated single woman in her 30’s I hope you aren’t being “ageist” and are willing to date men who are older or slightly younger. Maybe widen your pool of potentials?

I know women who are classically beautiful and single in their 30’s and some who are not classically attractive who were married young. Attractiveness isn’t just about physical beauty. Physical beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Its possibly that a man won’t see you as physically beautiful in the classic sense, but see you as beautiful in your own unique way and be very attracted to you.

 

[Xantippe]

There have been a lot of good ideas.

I’ve always been a chubby girl in glasses (think Velma from Scooby Doo), but I met my future husband at 22 and we got married within the year. I notice a lot of fairly plain young women are also married. Natural looks are really not all-important.

Here are a few ideas:

1. This is very unfair, but I suspect your leadership positions are probably hurting you romantically.
2. I suspect that familiarity may be very bad romantically. If guys see you every week, they may stop noticing you. So, look for opportunities to be “the new girl.”
3. It can’t hurt to invest a little money in clothes that are just a little bit more feminine and fun than you usually wear, and to try a somewhat less practical hairdo. This may sound like an 80s teen comedy makeover scene, but I have to mention that I met my husband shortly after getting some cute new clothes and starting to curl my hair and use more makeup. There are certain haircuts and outfits that are “all business” and others that suggest “I’m fun! And I’d love to go out with you!” Different clothes and hair will make you feel different about yourself. Also, a new look (perhaps after some sort of natural break–Christmas or summer) can give you that “new girl” effect even in your old stomping grounds.
4. Shy guys!

 

[GusIsAGirl]

If you think you are not attractive, then you might be putting out that vibe. I agree with Xantippe’s #3. And I know people say that we don’t have much control over how attractive we are, but that is a huge myth. You absolutely do have control with what you wear and how you groom yourself. Start googling! Look up tips on dressing in a classic way, which is always modest and stylish, but not dowdy. It’s a fine line from modest to dowdy. Don’t cross it!

I used to be the dowdiest girl on the Catholic circuit, so, trust me, I know of what I speak. I dress and look far more attractive now, but rarely get out, so…

The other thing about being confident in your appearance is that you will not be as reserved and shy. In my case, I think a lot of my past reserve was just my own lack of confidence in my appearance.

 

[Edmundus1581]

There have been a lot of good ideas.

I’ve always been a chubby girl in glasses (think Velma from Scooby Doo), but I met my future husband at 22 and we got married within the year. I notice a lot of fairly plain young women are also married. Natural looks are really not all-important.

Here are a few ideas:

1. This is very unfair, but I suspect your leadership positions are probably hurting you romantically.
2. I suspect that familiarity may be very bad romantically. If guys see you every week, they may stop noticing you. So, look for opportunities to be “the new girl.”
3. It can’t hurt to invest a little money in clothes that are just a little bit more feminine and fun than you usually wear, and to try a somewhat less practical hairdo. This may sound like an 80s teen comedy makeover scene, but I have to mention that I met my husband shortly after getting some cute new clothes and starting to curl my hair and use more makeup. There are certain haircuts and outfits that are “all business” and others that suggest “I’m fun! And I’d love to go out with you!” Different clothes and hair will make you feel different about yourself. Also, a new look (perhaps after some sort of natural break–Christmas or summer) can give you that “new girl” effect even in your old stomping grounds.
4. Shy guys!

… Look up tips on dressing in a classic way, which is always modest and stylish, but not dowdy. It’s a fine line from modest to dowdy. Don’t cross it!
…

:yup:

 

[edwest2]

Trust in God.

avemariasingles.com/

Peace,
Ed

 

[bsf]

Oh trust me, I know I am ugly and not attractive… you don’t get to be a 31 year old single and be attractive… I never said I believed it when people said it’s men not you… and I never said that I think I am attractive… what I did say was that I have noticed a pattern of Catholic men in my area dating non-Catholic girls, and of vivacious and attractive Catholic women (so not me) not get asked out by the men around, but have men outside the Church fight over her… so it has me noticing a pattern of Catholic men seemingly not wanting to date Catholic women, and of Church seemingly being a poor place to meet Catholic men… whether you’re me, or anyone else…

I wish you could see yourself as God sees you. I cannot imagine God saying “You are ugly.” You sound like a very interesting person and I very much like that you are involved in your parish and volunteer regularly. Maintain hope. I will say a prayer for you.

 

[chevalier]

Maybe it’s just me and my circle. but I’m increasingly finding that young men in Church today are not interested in dating Catholic women. As a Catholic woman who would love to meet a man in Church, over the past 3 years I have come across man after man after man who either already has a Catholic girlfriend that he has been with forever, or who is not Catholic (but will attend Church with him), or says that he’s not interested in dating, only to then start dating someone outside of the Church… so what’s up?

People of both sexes are immature and lacking in self-awareness. Don’t attach too must importance to it when they babble on about not being ready for/interested in dating only to run off with a blue bird.

I know of different Catholic men who want to meet an available practing Catholic woman to date who say it feels like “Mission Impossible”.

It does if you have any more detailed and personal preference than single & Catholic.

 

[Xantippe]

chevalier said:

“It does if you have any more detailed and personal preference than single & Catholic.”

Funny!

Under 80 is probably a good start, but for you over-70 guys, keep an open mind.

 

[stanncie]

Oh I can relate to you OP!
Except I’m not reserved at all and a pure extrovert, still it did not make any difference. Already in my late thirties and done it all! Did meetup, did the bar/club scene, did the Young adult group, did the volunteer groups,backpacked through Europe twice, did the church ministries, even led a retreat! did avermariasingles, etc.

To be honest I truly think some of it it’s just plain luck and some of us missed the boat. Other times I think it’s just that God preventing some major disaster that would happen if I became a wife or mother lol. I stopped trying a few years ago but I’m open to whatever He sends for me. I sometimes get down about it but most of the time I’m content with my life which is not bad at all. I already have two cats and I’m addicted to Kdrama so I have the qualities of an old maid set haha.

I will pray for you for sure and you might meet the man of your dreams tomorrow but also be prepared to carry this as one of your crosses

 

[Xantippe]

stanncie said:

“I already have two cats and I’m addicted to Kdrama so I have the qualities of an old maid set haha.”

Two cats–that’s just the starter kit.

 

[stanncie]

stanncie said:

“I already have two cats and I’m addicted to Kdrama so I have the qualities of an old maid set haha.”

Two cats–that’s just the starter kit.

Oh believe me, I’m tempted to get more but I live in a studio so I’m already drowning in cat hair lol )

 

[MJJean]

stanncie said:

“I already have two cats and I’m addicted to Kdrama so I have the qualities of an old maid set haha.”

Two cats–that’s just the starter kit.

Oh believe me, I’m tempted to get more but I live in a studio so I’m already drowning in cat hair lol )

Pet hair is a food group

I like cats, but I am more of a dog person. I have 4 dogs, a cat, a parrot, and a tortoise. I need the bumper sticker I saw in the church parking lot a few weeks ago… “One paw away from being the Crazy Dog Lady”.

I managed to find a lovely man who, despite never having a pet growing up, accepted that pets are my thing and has come to love them all almost as much as I do. He even pays the vet bills without too much grumbling.

I told my husband that if I were to be widowed and young enough to want a new husband I would have to find him at a dog show/event or online at a dog forums because no “normal” man would put up with me and my zoo!

 

[Midwest88]

I don’t exclude women who aren’t Catholics, let alone Christians. I’m even open to dating non-religious women if I find their personality attractive. What puts me in a bind is that I reject the “We’re dating just to date,” and the “My crush is reciprocated” type of relationships. I’m the guy who only dates if he sees marriage potential (if outside the Church, then there must be certain exceptions, so read on). Heck, I’ll even date an atheist who is willing to have kids and let me raise them in my faith (though that could be seen as controlling).

My church doesn’t have a ‘young adult’ group - mostly caters towards the Knight of Columbus, Women’s Prayer Group, Women’s Club, the Polish school and our parish’s CCD. I would have to join another parish in order to find a ‘youth adult’ group. If I do find a Catholic woman that I find myself attractive to, in that way, then I’d be more than happy to go on a date with her.

 

[Irishmom2]

This may be totally off the wall, but…
Many of my friends who have kids dating or about to begin dating seldom say “I’d like to see you date a nice Catholic boy/girl”. Seems like this has fallen out of parental fashion…
I remember my parents made it clear to me that someone from my our faith would be a better match, and there would be fewer problems in the long run. I know that’s not always true, but the expectation was that I would find a date in the CATHOLIC category.
My friends have nearly 100% skipped that talk. And with teens missing Mass and youth groups…some don’t know who is what and don’t have an opportunity to socialize with Catholics. Just sayin…:twocents:

I was raised the same way, and have told my kids the same thing. So far, it’s working.

 

[Midwest88]

I know this is a bit of a tangent, but Guest12, you have to believe in your beauty. Not in a vain way, but as an acceptance of the gift of it. Everyone has a natural beauty, and embracing it in a healthy way brings it out more. Believe me, when a woman has a positive self-image, it becomes self-fulfilling. Even if it’s just a change of thinking.

I wish more young women would believe in this. One of the major turn offs for me is plastic surgery. I’ve witness a few cases where women resorted to go under the knife in order to “get the body/face they always wanted.” These weren’t overweight women, or considered ‘ugly’ – these were physically pretty young women. All had rhinoplasty’s and now all have the same “pinched” nose (aka thin bridge), less bulbous tip and tucked in nostrils. It ain’t attractive to people who DO notice - well, at least to me.

 

[Irishmom2]

My church doesn’t have a ‘young adult’ group - mostly caters towards the Knight of Columbus, Women’s Prayer Group, Women’s Club, the Polish school and our parish’s CCD. I would have to join another parish in order to find a ‘youth adult’ group.

Well then… Perhaps you should offer to start one in your parish.

 

[pianistclare]

Well then… Perhaps you should offer to start one in your parish.

I LOVE this idea. Approach the pastor about having a young adult “Mixer”. Ask the older parishioners to donate refreshments. (LOL, they probably have some people they would like to “set up”).
If your church has a sound system you could get a couple of the teens to DJ.
Advertise in the next parish’s bulletin as well for optimal attendance.
Let us know when it is…I’ll send my two gorgeous daughters over…LOL
I crack myself up. They’d kill me if they knew I said that…

 

[edwest2]

Catholics should be dating other Catholics. And find out if the other person is on the same page as you. Some Catholics accept this part of Church teaching but reject another. Putting God first is the way to go. Sure, a guy wants an attractive potential spouse but really get to know what each of you expects from marriage should you find someone you really like.

There’s nothing wrong with liking an atheist but let’s be realistic. Will she just go along and put her views aside, especially when it comes to children? I don’t see why that would happen.

Peace,
Ed

 

[Midwest88]

Well then… Perhaps you should offer to start one in your parish.

An entrepreneurship type of mind. That’s attractive to women! Good thinking.

There’s nothing wrong with liking an atheist but let’s be realistic. Will she just go along and put her views aside, especially when it comes to children? I don’t see why that would happen.

I guess that’s why getting to know the other person is so important. It’s not so much on shared personal interests/hobbies, but so much on their values and their ‘plan’ on raising our ‘near-distant-future’ kids. Kind of like that one commercial where a young man showed his date how their future kids would look like by using one of those “He has your hair and my nose” type of pics, while flipping to the next page filled with graphs - she was instantly engaged with a "This is some good stuff … " look on her face.

Though not exactly the situation you depict, my aunt married a non-practicing Jew. He let the kids grow up in their mother’s faith and was supportive. It is possible, but that’s why I said I would be willing to date (then marry) an atheist on certain exceptions.