Dating: communication and indecisiveness

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Xloaves_IIfish

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I’d much appreciate some thoughts from people in serious dating relationships and married couples…
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 1.5 years, we’re both in our early-mid twenties. We entered into our relationship to discern marriage and our faith is very important to us.

I have a hard time communicating properly with him. I’m a semi-shy person but not afraid to talk when I have to, however I am also very good at hiding my emotions and shutting myself in when I’m upset. 😦 He wants to help, but this is something I have to do on my own initiative. How can I practice this and work on our communication? I know that it is really important…
I also am a very indecisive person, and it annoys him because he wants to know what I would prefer when we have decisions to make. Most of the time I honestly do not have a preference. Is this something that I should try not doing?

If anyone has experienced this before and/or has some ideas for me, that would be wonderful.
 
  1. Communication. I had a friend of mine who seemed to have a wonderful marriage. I once asked her what her secret was, and she responded, “Communication”. She told me how important communication is in relationships, and marriage, especially.
Even the best of marriages can be completely undone by poor communication!

I live in Mexico, and I have had numerous examples and have long since learned, the hard way, about the importance of good communication. I have had several times where my computer was out. The last time, it was for about a month! During that time, all kinds of things were going on. Granted, I did pay to go to a cybercafé or go to the library, and once a friend let me use hers. Still, it caused me numerous problems.

When I first came here, I relied on the mail service. Bad idea. Our mail service from the US takes about a month, in the best of circumstances, one way! Further, a lot of my mail would never reach me. It’s not like in the US. I moved different times, despite the fact we supposedly have forwarding for a few months here, as well, apparently, my mail didn’t get forwarded. Some even got returned to the US!

I was once in a relationship, and it ended, in part due to several miscommunications that we didn’t even realize till after the fact!
  1. Indecisiveness. In the past, I was more indecisive, in part because I was young, didn’t know what I wanted, yet. As we get older, with more life experience, that will probably get easier.
When I used to be in relationships, I just wanted to please. So, when asked what I felt like doing, I might respond that whatever everybody else wanted would be fine. However, the other person was trying to find out who I was…what I liked…what my interests were. My always saying, “I don’t care”, “It doesn’t matter”, wasn’t helping him get to know me.

When a person asks me now…“Where do you want to go to eat?” I’ll try to say, “Well, why don’t we try Chile Amor, because it’s got really neat atmosphere that I think you’ll also like”. I don’t leave everything up to the other person.

It’s okay to have your own opinions. One teacher complained that I didn’t have an opinion when I was younger, about anything! Well, I think I did, just that I was afraid to express them.

Have you ever seen “Runaway Bride”? She came across as VERY indecisive. She would go out, try to marry someone…runaway at the altar. She would try to marry, runaway at the altar, seemingly very indecisive. However, the root of it was something else, entirely, that she was saying things just to please others, not telling the truth. She felt she had to form herself to others, didn’t even know what her own feelings or opinions are, and she was a bit like a chameleon. I saw “Runaway Bride” and thought, “that was me”!

Some people who are codependent are also like that. They can’t even identify their own feelings when asked. Also, you could have a couple of codependent tendencies. I used to think it was good to flex to whomever I was with, not have any opinions, but it wasn’t.
 
I can empathize because I’m also more introverted and fairly easy-going (which leads me to respond “I don’t care” to the many variations of the question “What do you want?”

As ClearWater said, communication is really important. The only way to improve is to practice. And you can start small if you need to. Just talk about your day or your thoughts. Set aside time on a regular basis for the two of you to just be together and talk. And make the effort to not let him be the only one doing the talking.

For the decision making, this, too, requires practice. And in this, too, you can start out small. There are a hundred little decisions we have to make every day. So just start making those decisions with intentionality. If he asks you where you want to go out to eat and you honestly don’t care, make a decision anyway. Pick something and follow through with it. Don’t hem and haw. Just pick something and let the decision stand without looking back. After all, there’s seldom a “right” answer in those types of situations. So whatever you choose will not be “wrong.”

Of course, with bigger things, you need to reflect and not be too impulsive. But I doubt that will be a problem for you. 😉
 
Communication is essential. How will your boyfriend/husband know what bothers you or what you desire if you don’t tell him. The next time he asks you about something tell him what you think. If there is something that comes to mind from past inquiries you could take the initiative and tell him you have given the subject some thought and now have an idea of how you feel.

A good “exercise” to try with your boyfriend, and other friends, is to pick a topic with at least two positions and you take one side and he/they the other to discuss. For example: Death Penalty, a political opinion, favorite place to live, being a vegitarian…anything where you can agree to disagree in order to discuss the given subject. (You may both actually feel the same about a subject, but for the purpose of having a conversation one of you will need to take the opposing view.)

One thing this type of exercise does is help you see the other side and discover “arguments” for that other side and express them well. The bonus comes in when you have to go back to your own position and defend it. By taking the opposite side you discover better ways to defend your own position, and you learn how to discuss “hot issues” diplomatically.

This is a little simplified but I hope you can both try it over time. It is also a great thing to do if you happen to be in a position of writing a paper.
 
Xloaves_IIfish said:
I’d much appreciate some thoughts from people in serious dating relationships and married couples…
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 1.5 years, we’re both in our early-mid twenties. We entered into our relationship to discern marriage and our faith is very important to us.

I have a hard time communicating properly with him. I’m a semi-shy person but not afraid to talk when I have to, however I am also very good at hiding my emotions and shutting myself in when I’m upset. 😦 He wants to help, but this is something I have to do on my own initiative. How can I practice this and work on our communication? I know that it is really important…
I also am a very indecisive person, and it annoys him because he wants to know what I would prefer when we have decisions to make. Most of the time I honestly do not have a preference. Is this something that I should try not doing?

If anyone has experienced this before and/or has some ideas for me, that would be wonderful.
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You have a right to have no particularly strong preference when you don’t feel it. Not having a preference either way doesn’t actually make you indecisive. Possibly it rather speaks of an open mind that’s not easily made upon scarce data.

It helps to have a system when you don’t have a preference. For example, I often don’t have a preference about a good number of things, and I’m particularly bad with menu cards. But it helps me when I realise that the world won’t end if I make the wrong choice, or even a random one. I get to try new things, I can try the skipped things the next time I’m at the same place. I can even come back if I really care (and in most cases I don’t).

Nobody has the right to elicit a decision from you unless you’re a court judge or gov’t agency. 😉 (And those guys actually have rules in place that specify what happens when they can’t be persuaded either way.)

Your boyfriend also has to learn to live with the fact you have no preference on an issue. If he wants to let you have it your way… it means your way, not his way, right? So he may end up having to make a decision who would prefer not to be making, which is the same thing that you are facing.
 
all you have to do is love Him, and your marriage, relationships will all benefit.
 
When one person in the relationship has to make all the decisions because the other person does not - there can become very big relationship /communication issues.

After time, the person making the decisions may begin to feel they are the “parent” to the “child” who does not make decisions for themselves.

*Boundaries: When to Say YES- When to Say NO -To Take Control of Your Life *, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend explains issues in which some people have a problem with boundaries.

One might easily recognize the person who commits to everything. When anyone asks if they can help, they always do - even if they are already over booked with too many obligations.

A harder boundary issue to notice can be the person who have a boundary conflict issues called compliance or avoidance.

From the above book:

“Compliant people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they “melt” into the demands and needs of other people. They can’t stand alone… Complaints, for examples, pretend to like the same restaurants and movies their friend so “just to get along.” They minimize their differences with others so as not to rock the boat. Complaints are chameleons. After a while it’s hard to distinguish them from their environment.”

The authors explain this behavior can be fear: of hurting others’ feelings, of abandonment, of someone’s anger, of punishment, of being shamed, of being seen as bad or selfish, of one’s overstrict, critical conscience.

Another boundary issue is Avoidants: “the inability to ask for help, to recognize one’s own needs, to let others in Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask for the support of others.”

Maybe this book or this book on CD would be helpful for the two of you. They both may be available at your local library.
 
I found this out by making mistakes, reading, and having male friends (noticing their motivations). Men love to please women. They want to know what they want and need so that they can fullfil that or at least see how they can make it work with what they want and need (because they like to fix things and make them work).

If there is any way you can tell him what you would like, try it and see if that helps. Try to stop yourself from saying, “Whatever you want, doesn’t matter, I’m fine with what you want”. Even if you have no preference, just try coming up with something you want as an experiment. Chances are he wants you to have an opinion or specific idea of what you want because he cares for you and wants or needs to feel masculine and giving. This doesn’t mean you become a queen, so don’t worry about that or even about making decisions. It just means you show him love by giving him something to work with and someone to work with. Because men love to work on things and love it when it all comes together. So just try to ignore the idea you have of yourself as indecisive and focus on how much you care for him and admire him, then step out and take a chance.

He is really, really lucky to have you. Some women will be overly decisive and even bully a guy.

Hope this helps.
 
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