Dating dilemmas have tested my faith

[Patagonia1]

As a 30 year old single man I am finding it difficult to navigate today’s world the way that God intends. I have periodically struggled with loneliness. I have dated a lot but I just haven’t found “the one” yet for reasons that I will try to explain:

When I consider a relationship with someone, the sexual temptation is so great that I am not sure I can counter it. On one level, I truly want to be chaste until marriage, but out of fear of going to hell, not necessarily because I understand "why" on a practical level. On another level I feel like it is a de-facto requirement to engage in sexual behavior since it is what the vast majority of women today require. If I find a soul-mate/wife, even though we engage in pre-marital sexual behavior but still get married, is that union still not good in the eyes of God? It is as if I have two options: either be 100% chaste and do not get married, or do not be chaste and find my soul-mate.

I have found it very difficult to find someone with whom I truly see eye-to-eye on major moral issues. Young women today are ever more accepting and promoting of homosexual behavior and abortion. The majority women that I have courted have fallen into this category. This is discouraging as a man who has been raised to stand up for families, women, and children and to have a partner not agree on these issues has been a sad deal breaker for me. I feel alienated because of my beliefs.

I am trying to live my life the way Jesus wants, but at my age I also feel like I am running out of time to find a quality soul mate. I am obviously looking for someone who shares my values, but also with whom we share interests, and find each-other attractive inside and out. Of course I want her to find all of these qualities in me too, so I fully understand that it is a two way street. I believe that a marriage is much more than simply "morals and values", it must also center around friendship, compatibility, and service. I have witnessed many unhappy Catholic marriages simply based on morals and values – I do not want that kind of marriage.

I have dated devout, chaste, Catholic women with whom I agreed on major moral issues, but I also found them to be uninteresting and just wasn’t excited after one or two dates. Not because sex would not have been in our pre-marital relationship (I do recognize this as good, but very difficult to follow). I have found devout Catholic women to be generally pessimistic, not very confident in themselves and frankly, sort of boring.

This has all been a test of faith for me and I feel discouraged by the societal norms of today. It is difficult articulating my beliefs to women knowing full well that they likely won’t share them. And even if we do share beliefs, we generally don’t feel the compatibility factor. I want to find the right person and soul-mate who I can love, serve, and protect unconditionally until the end of our days, but oftentimes I feel like I must either compromise my morals in order to do so, or keep my morals and be in an unhappy relationship or single for life.

I could really use some advice and encouragement. Please pray for me, I can sure use it!

 

[phoage]

I feel you pain. Been there.

Not quite 6 years ago I lost my wife of 41 years. After 6 months of grieving, I decided that I did not like being alone and that it was time to find a wife. Understand please, when my wife and I courted, we were in high school. I did not want to date women from the office (way to many potential problems) and the women at church were either married or not my type. I could not see myself bar hopping and I wanted a Catholic marriage.

I checked out several dating sites and settled on CatholicMatch.com. I did this site because it seemed to have the most traffic.

It costs, not a lot but it is not free.

You fill out a profile. There you can select to receive referrals (computer generated)of only the type women you are looking for.I wanted an active, practicing Catholic widow, able to marry in the Church. The last line in my personal write up was, “I am not looking for a date, I am not looking for a hookup. I am looking for a wife.”

Aside from the computer generated referrals, you can search for profiles (and you can be searched by others)and get leads that way.

I had six dates with really nice ladies, anyone of whom I could have married before I found my current wife. I was actively searching for about seven months before we met. We will celebrate our 4th anniversary in December.

Check it out and good luck. Pray for your future wife.

Patrick
AMDG

 

[virgin.most.chaste]

I think you should keep it simple. i dont think catholic women are boring. you shouldnt look for the perfect women because no one is perfect. i think your wrong because there is a lot of people who would wish to be in your place. Just pick the one that God chooses for you and its also important that you love this woman.

 

[Loud-living-dogma]

I think that you would do well to be around Catholic (or at least Christian) ladies, rather than the secular-minded ones.
And remember, all you need is one!
Maybe those other ladies have seemed boring because they weren’t the right one for you! : )

 

[virgin.most.chaste]

i guess the new norm is not to date unhumorus women. they say that the key ingredient of a long life marriage is humor.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Best advice, get rid if this “soul mate” idea. It is not Catholic, it denies free will, how cruel it would be for God to have only ONE person out there with whom we can live the vocation of marriage. Such a strange idea when you really think about it.

I have found devout Catholic women to be generally pessimistic, not very confident in themselves and frankly, sort of boring.

Okay.

What are YOU bringing to the table? Are you the sort of husband material that the good Catholic women are seeking? Employed, funny, smart, optimistic, well groomed, fit, caring?

Are you seeking out Catholic women who share your passions/interests/hobbies be it square dancing, bird watching, writing fiction or Republican politics, there is a group of Catholics out there. Get involved.

 

[Patagonia1]

Well that is assuming a whole lot about a whole lot of women that just isn’t true. MANY MANY good Catholic single women are out there waiting for a man and I mean WAITING until marriage to give themselves. Praying for your situation

Thanks for your comment. If it is true that “MANY MANY” Catholic women are “WAITING” I just haven’t seen it, but I hope you are right. That said, according to this link only 3% of people wait until marriage to have sex and in “highly religious groups up to 20% wait until marriage successfully”. 3% is an alarming figure, but let’s assume the 20% figure is true among Catholic women. That means that only 1 in 5 Catholic women have not had intercourse before marriage. This figure, as best as I can tell, does not take into account all the other acts that I won’t describe in order to keep this forum rated PG. I am pretty certain a great portion of these 20% of women get married quite young or are already in relationships intended for marriage.

I am not saying that I require my future wife to be a virgin by any means, but it is no secret that people who are not virgins generally desire this sort of behavior in a relationship, Catholic or not. Personally I am not a virgin, but I am again attempting to navigate this world chastely.

 

[Patagonia1]

I hear you on “quality over quantity”. I try to date only Catholic/Christian women and I discover they do not fit the bill I end things far before things get serious.

Just think, if you marry a woman who is slutty enough to have pre-marital sex, you shouldn’t be surprised if you find her cheating on you later on!

I’m sorry but I find this comment rather condescending. Just because someone has had premarital sex is not some indication that they will cheat and calling these women “slutty” is demeaning at best. I know very many couples who did not live chastely before marriage who live in happy, loving, and loyal marriages. While the behavior was not moral, their marriages are valid in the eyes of God.

In the sad case that it doesn’t happen, it might be a sign you’re called to remain in celibacy. If that ends up being the case, it shouldn’t be a cause for sadness, but for great joy!

Believe me, I have considered this possibility but in no scenario do I imagine living an entire life unmarried to be “joyful”, but rather lonely. That is why I believe I am called to marriage and hopefully fatherhood. I am looking for my other half and while I enjoy my single life, I simply feel incomplete without her. You even said so yourself, it is a “sad case”.

 

[Needy1]

Why don’t you chose these Catholics women you met just because you felt boring?
You’re rejecting both pagans and Catholics.

 

[Patagonia1]

Thank you. All fair points and thanks for correcting me on the soul mate piece.

Personally, (not that I need to prove it to you ) I think I bring a lot to the table. I have a stable job, financially secure, I own my own home. I value my family including my little niece and nephew, I enjoy spending time with my friends (I have a very diverse friend group), and I go to mass every Sunday. I love to travel and explore the world, hike, and be outdoors and I would love to share these passions with someone someday.

I hear you on getting involved. I don’t exactly think that mass is a good place to meet women (lol) and young adult groups just aren’t my way of worshiping the Good Lord, but I could do more to be involved in my parish in other ways I’ve done the “dating app” thing for awhile and I do screen for religion. It has been a great way to meet women who I wouldn’t normally meet otherwise, but obviously it just hasn’t worked out for me yet.

 

[Lara]

If I find a soul-mate/wife, even though we engage in pre-marital sexual behavior but still get married, is that union still not good in the eyes of God?

The issue isn’t whether the union is good in God’s eyes. The issue is you aren’t supposed to sin via premarital sex. One good reason is people can’t just try each other out without it resulting in negative consequences. You yourself may be a casualty of your prior sexual encounter/s.

But even if a couple sins in this way before marriage and goes on to marry, the sin leaves a stain on their marriage even after it is forgiven. One example I can think of is women who’ve had premarital sex with their husbands often display insecurities well into their marriages.

Essentially, you are doing one thing right. You are attempting to please God. But you have to sort things out now before meeting your wife. Imagine for one minute yourself explaining to your eighteen year old daughter why she can’t have sex with her boyfriend. Right now, you would not be able to do an adequate job of explaining this to her.

As for feeling alienated because of your beliefs, join the club. The more alienated you are the better. God is under attack by our very secular society.

 

[Bluebright]

Pray and let God lead you to the person you are meant to be with if you are meant to be with someone. Remember to have patience and really submit yourself to Him. I think also you need to learn that finding a ‘soul mate’ is not the answer to loneliness. Believe me putting one’s hope in another person, even a very devout Catholic is a sure fire way to mess up any relationship. It may sound trite of me and you may scoff, so be it, but learn to put your trust in God only. If you get used to putting your trust in God and become happy with His company and accept His peace so that His will for your life, alone or with a mate is what you come to accept just because it is His will, then you will find that once that has been accepted and is desired by you as His will. The right person will be drawn to you, if that is His will. First put God at the centre of your life and align yourself to His will and then, things just fall into place. So practically make sure you are living your faith, practicing it fully and praying regularly and join in at your parish and let God lead your life. I am 47 and finally learnt this and am blissfully happy with where God has taken me, not where I expected but could not be more joyful. God bless you.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

Just think, if you marry a woman who is slutty enough to have pre-marital sex, you shouldn’t be surprised if you find her cheating on you later on!

And why would anyone want to have children with an immoral woman who would be a bad example for them, potentially dragging them to hell with her?

Lot of name-calling and judgment from a guy who goes by “AnonymousSinner.”

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I feel for you. Dating is hard, we are all so busy and you have to invest so much time in it and even then you may well come away with nothing.

You need to decide how much you want to invest in finding a spouse, and that includes time, money and emotion but you also need to nurture your faith and keep room for other things in your life.

 

[Patagonia1]

I am 47 and finally learnt this and am blissfully happy with where God has taken me, not where I expected but could not be more joyful.

Thanks for the encouragement. If you don’t mind me asking, where has God led you that makes you so blissfully happy?

 

[PennyinCanada]

On one level, I truly want to be chaste until marriage, but out of fear of going to hell, not necessarily because I understand “why” on a practical level.

Why on a practical level? I could give you a list.

Since the availability of the pill, sexual intimacy outside of marriage and God’s plan has revealed over the years what kind of disaster this brings upon us, personally, and for a nation.

Sexually transmitted diseases have spread like wildfire, and the types of diseases one can catch has also increased.

What is the number for the amount of abortions done in the US now? Nearing 60 million I think was the last number I saw. Women who for what ever reason made a decision that a pregnancy right now is not what they want. This is tragic for babies, for women, and for a nation.

Then there are the women who get pregnant and have the baby. Maybe the dad is around, maybe not. Maybe family can help, maybe not. A huge number of people in poverty are women with small children. This is not good for women, not good for children, and it’s not good for a nation.

When women have sex outside of marriage, they are taking on a great risk, that they can become pregnant, they can be abandoned by their boyfriend, they can perhaps lose their job. It is a huge thing to ask a woman to have sex and as a Catholic man, you can be a witness to the women that you date, that you do not want to put them in this position. This is your witness to what love really looks like, and your witness that God has a plan for singleness, dating and married life. This is where you really show God that you mean business, that you are making an effort to follow him and to trust your life with him.

When you date someone and you are chaste, you are showing that you can be trusted by your girlfriend. When you are married and some years go by, you won’t be looking at younger women, prettier women, smarter women, because you are showing her in a practical way that you can be chaste today, and later on when you’ve been married a while. This is the witness your chastity is to women. They need that shown to them and modeled for them in this world. This is what love looks like.

Are you praying for your future wife, that she stay close to God, that she makes good choices? I suspect your future wife has been praying for you.

 

[JMMJ]

Just think, if you marry a woman who is slutty enough to have pre-marital sex, you shouldn’t be surprised if you find her cheating on you later on!

Please be careful with this attitude. Premarital sex does not make someone a “slut”. That is a very uncharitable characterization. The Church teaches premarital sex is wrong for a variety of reasons. It does not teach that someone who struggles with sexual sin is a “slut” or any less of a child of God than someone who doesn’t. It isn’t helpful to label someone this way and it isn’t what Jesus did, either.

 

[adamhovey1988]

I honestly haven’t had a girlfriend in around a decade, and she was a Baptist (still is) and is married. I’m around the same age, I’m not chasing after anyone right now. Most of my friends are female, and I have had to convince myself that, no, women being your friends doesn’t mean they are interested in you, but there are few Catholics where I live to begin with. I’ve honestly found that most of the Catholic women that you’d be interested in…are already married. Anyway, I’m praying for you. I’m the same age you are, and I am continuously without a girlfriend, and I’m fine with that. I have a woman (she’s not Catholic), that we both admitted we have some sort of interest in each other, but are not together, for whatever reason. Actually, for me, the fact most of my friend are women is a bit of a blessing, because they’re a bit easier to talk to. (I was raised by my mother, as my father died when I was a child). Look man, it’s not the end of the world, and I think you know that. I’ve always wanted to be a father, thus far, I haven’t gotten the chance. I may never get the chance, and I’m fine with that. I wish I could say something more, but I really do understand your struggle, and I am praying for you. Thank you for bringing it here to talk to us about it.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I knocked up a girl I barely knew, were having our child in February and getting married soon after. There’s worse things than pre marital sex

I’m not exactly sure what your point is.
There are worse things than premarital sex, like accidentally getting pregnant and being pressured into getting married to a girl I barely know?
There are worse things than premarital sex, like allowing an accidental pregnancy determine who my life partner is going to be? I guess I’m going to get to know them now?
There are worse things than premarital sex, like becoming a parent before getting married, with a woman I barely know?

Getting married to a woman you barely know because she’s pregnant is grounds for an invalid marriage. I would hate to be in that position, and I would hate for my friend, my daughter, my granddaughter to be in that position. So what is worse than premarital sex?

 

[Servant31]

Have to applaud you or your mom or whomever for this policy. As a card carrying introvert I’m often left in the position of not the life at a party, but in today’s culture saying, “how about we go watch a movie or talk” is translated to “lets go have sex”… two or more dates is definitely where the fun is since you can get to know each other and lighten up.