Dating/DiscerningMarriage/Stepson

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Hello All,

I’ve been dating this amazing, very Catholic young women for about a year now. We have been blessed with a beautiful love, an intense connection and at this point I really couldn’t hope for much more in our relationship. I was raised Catholic but for the most part been away from the Church since my Confirmation over 10 years ago. She has played a vital role in my conversion and in bringing me back to the church. Recently we have begun discussing and discerning the possibility of marriage.

Sounds great right?

Well, I have a 7 year old son with a woman that I “married” due to that pregnancy when I was 20. Here in lies the problem. Understandably, she has difficulty accepting and embracing the fact I am already a parent And if we were to ever have children together, while she’ll be excited about becoming a parent for the first time, I will have already shared that experience with another woman. Similarly, while my “marriage” was invalid, I did call another woman my wife and lived with her as my wife.

Our ability to communicate with one another and our sensitivity to the other’s feeling is great except when it comes to this. She feels I’ve given a huge part of myself away to another woman that wasn’t necessarily mine to give. She feels we would be well on our way to being engaged if it weren’t for this. She has a lot of resentment and doesn’t see how she will ever be able to love me completely because of this.

I try to be sensitive to the pain I’ve caused her and be as understanding of her feelings as possible but more often than not I get defensive, then I get angry with her for not being able to accept me and then I shut down. I feel there’s nothing I can do about my irrevocable past and if she loved me like she says she loves me, she should just be able to get passed this. Which I know is not true

At this point we both believe we are called to be married, but neither of us can tangibly see how this will be overcome except grace from God and maybe not even then.

Any advice, websites, books, pertinent prayers, ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks
 
This jealousy and resentment isn’t very loving really and I think I’d be worried about the future if you married her. Is she accepting and loving towards your child, to whom is due your love and protection?
If she says she won’t love you completely because you once shared your life with someone else…that’s a big crack in your relationship that may spread to other things. It seems really quite terrible that she would say that to you and feel that way. If she can’t love you with **your full reality **then she doesn’t really love you, though you won’t want to believe that.

How can she or anyone tell you that your life wasn’t yours to give or to share? Your life is your life. I don’t blame you for feeling defensive when she punishes you that she wasn’t the first woman in your life, and that you have a son already will not make the least less precious any other child you may have. Each time, a miracle.

I know from what you’ve said that you want this to work, and it’s not very promising as it is. But I’ll pray that this woman can mature enough to be truly loving and accepting, and that she will love you as wholeheartedly as you really, absolutely, deserve to be, and you do have the right to be genuinely and wholeheartedly loved. At this stage this woman doesn’t get what genuine love is. God grant that she can or this lack of genuine love will affect your lives in other ways too as time goes on. Please God she can truly grow in love, wisdom and acceptance, for your sake as well as hers and your son’s.

God bless you and grant you happiness, love, and peace
 
I will pray for you. I’m dating a man who was invalidly married before and who has two children from that marriage. I have a few concerns about my ability to be the kind of mother our children (his and ours) will deserve, but resenting the existence of the first marriage isn’t part of that. However, I can give you some perspectives from the view of a woman considering becoming a stepmother.

The way I see it is this: that marriage made you who you are today. It shaped your identity, being a father. You wouldn’t be the man you are now if you hadn’t made that mistake, which I assume was made in good faith. You didn’t have your son and marry your son’s mother as a personal affront to the woman you’re seeing now. She shouldn’t take it that way.

So now, what should you do? Well, I’d recommend praying about it and considering whether you really want to be marrying a woman who won’t accept your past. If you have custody of your son, or even partial custody, will this woman be a good stepmother if she resents his existence, or how he came to be? You’re talking about marrying a woman who can’t accept you for who you are. It’s not even something you can pretend didn’t exist.

If you’re certain you still want to marry her, I guess you could try asking her these questions. I believe there’s something she’s afraid of, and her concern about your past is a symptom of that fear. Try to figure out what it is.

Does she think you won’t value any future children because you’ve already had one?

Is she afraid that she’ll always be the second woman, and she’ll never have the foremost place in your heart?

Is she concerned that you’ll leave her if things don’t work out, because that’s what happened last time (according to her, anyway)?

Is she afraid that your stepson will be a permanent reminder that you gave your love and your body to someone before she came along?

Is she afraid that you’ll judge her on her parenting skills or lack thereof because you’ve done that before and expect her to be able to do what you can?

Is she afraid she’ll constantly be compared to your ex, and that she won’t be able to measure up?

Once you figure out what her worries are, of course, you’ll have to answer her concerns as best you can. Some women just aren’t cut out for being a stepmother. The woman you love and want to marry may be one of those women.
 
If the young woman involved, is unable to accept the OP’s past, then she should not marry him, and he should not marry her.

Marriage is hard enough, even without a deep-seated conflict such as this.

Better for the OP to secure a marriage partner who will wholeheartedly accept both him and his son.
 
Hi J1–sorry this is happening in your life right now.

I will say that I agree with Magikman…

At this stage in your life, you must put the needs of your son before the feelings of a potential spouse. Why? Because he was there first, for lack of a better phrase. Not that you can’t get married to someone…you can! But, that someone needs to accept you for you…and not hold your past in resentment. I admire her for being honest however. Now that you know her feelings of jealousy and resentment…it might be wise to end this. I say this, because resentful stepmoms are really unfair to children. Divorce in and of itself is unfair to kids, but to add a resentful stepmother into the mix…I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I think that it’s possible she could change, people do change–but when might that be? I don’t think I could marry someone if he told me that he resented my past, and that we’d be engaged by now if it weren’t for my ex and my kid.

It’s best to end things. Your son comes first, and bringing someone into his life who loves him, doesn’t resent him, or his mother–is a much healthier environment for him, and for you.

I’ll pray for you on this! Good luck. :o
 
Likewise, your gf has the right to bow out of the relationship, and not feel badly, either. Even though we might have come across strongly about her feelings of resentment. Dating is the time to turn back from situations we just can’t see ourselves in for a lifetime. So, it wouldn’t be a bad thing if she did this, I just wanted to add.

Only question I have is…if you are both talking about marriage, this relationship must have gone on for a while, before getting to this point? Why the delay in her feelings of resentment? She knew you had a son and ex wife early on, I would imagine, so did she say these things, when the subject of marriage came up? I am asking because if I knew that I didn’t want to marry a man with kids…I would not have kept going with him, only to end it after a long relationship. Just curious.
 
J1001 said:
Hello All,

I’ve been dating this amazing, very Catholic young women for about a year now. We have been blessed with a beautiful love, an intense connection and at this point I really couldn’t hope for much more in our relationship. I was raised Catholic but for the most part been away from the Church since my Confirmation over 10 years ago. She has played a vital role in my conversion and in bringing me back to the church. Recently we have begun discussing and discerning the possibility of marriage.

Sounds great right?

Well, I have a 7 year old son with a woman that I “married” due to that pregnancy when I was 20. Here in lies the problem. Understandably, she has difficulty accepting and embracing the fact I am already a parent And if we were to ever have children together, while she’ll be excited about becoming a parent for the first time, I will have already shared that experience with another woman. Similarly, while my “marriage” was invalid, I did call another woman my wife and lived with her as my wife.

Our ability to communicate with one another and our sensitivity to the other’s feeling is great except when it comes to this. She feels I’ve given a huge part of myself away to another woman that wasn’t necessarily mine to give. She feels we would be well on our way to being engaged if it weren’t for this. She has a lot of resentment and doesn’t see how she will ever be able to love me completely because of this.

I try to be sensitive to the pain I’ve caused her and be as understanding of her feelings as possible but more often than not I get defensive, then I get angry with her for not being able to accept me and then I shut down. I feel there’s nothing I can do about my irrevocable past and if she loved me like she says she loves me, she should just be able to get passed this. Which I know is not true

At this point we both believe we are called to be married, but neither of us can tangibly see how this will be overcome except grace from God and maybe not even then.

Any advice, websites, books, pertinent prayers, ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks
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You two have an incompatibility. It is not a reflection on her maturity level or jealously. On the contrary, you are facing the consequences of your actions, something that cannot be erased simply by going to confession.

Is there a deeper issue here, such that she is a virgin and you are not?

I know you may not like what I’m about to say, and you may want to punch me in the face (and if you are in the Chicago area, I have an extra pair of 16 oz gloves and an extra mouthguard that I was meaning to return to the store), but I want you to think about the following:
J1001 said:
She feels I’ve given a huge part of myself away to another woman that wasn’t necessarily mine to give.
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Despite what another posted said, that is true - as a Catholic - and it does not matter if you were practicing or lapsed - it was NOT yours to give until you were in a sacramentally valid marriage.
J1001 said:
I feel there’s nothing I can do about my irrevocable past and if she loved me like she says she loves me, she should just be able to get passed this.
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If she is a virgin, that is selfishness on YOUR part. Why don’t you look at things from HER side? If she is a virgin, she is giving 100% to you, but you are not giving 100% back to her - and no, confession does NOT restore that 100%, despite what some may say.

If she is not, then, as whatevergirl alluded to, the girlfriend has had a year to deal with this. Maybe it just takes time for her to come around, in which case YOU need to exercise the virtue of patience.

Maybe this girl’s job was simply to get you back into the Church?

Why don’t you try to patch things up with your ex-wife? At least your son will not have to grow up in a state of confusion where he has to shuttle between you and his birth mother.
 
What pain have you caused her? Did you know her? Did you KNOW that you were going to meet her? No… the resulting child (valid marriage or not) is a gift from God. She needs to see your son as this not as a barrier between the two of you.

Everyone makes mistakes! When we go to confession God forgives us and the sins are forgotten. When we love someone we need to forgive and forget what has happened in their past. Do we need to take note of it to understand who they are and what we can expect? Yes. If someone was an IV drug user or a extremely permiscous we might want to protect ourselves and talk about things that could effect our health. When we date someone for a while we watch and learn to understand and hopefully predict their faithfulness etc…

However harboring jealousy and resentment for a previous mistake that has no real baring on the current relationship seems a little problematic.

Everyone has this idea in their mind of exactly how their life will turn out. Sadly that is usually not how it happens, Thankfully if we put Him in control it will work out better.

My guess is that part of her problem is just that. As a devout Catholic she had a view of how her life would work out in regards to marriage and children. She has met the man she loves but his past doesn’t fit in the world she always imagined. While that may be a little disappointing. It’s something she just needs to get past if she loves you.

While the above poster is somewhat correct they are missing the point. Yes the Church teaches that we should wait until we are in a sacramental marriage. However the Church also grants annulments almost as often as people get divorced today. If a marriage is invalid or annulled it just that. The OP thought he was marrying the person he loved and would spend the rest of his life with… but that was not the case. A mistake was made. He sounds like he is being very patient which I would urge him to continue being if he loves her. However I see no reason to stop a relationship if two people love one another and are looking towards planning their lives as God and our Church asked them to! The suggestion to leave a relationship which looks to be leading to a sacramental marriage for previous invalid one is highly inappropriate.

Joe
 
she should just be able to get passed this. Which I know is not true
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Without going into a looooong desertation, here’s what I think.

As long as she has this attitude, you’re going to have to make a tough decesion. She has to understand you are a package deal. You, son, ex wife. No getting around it. You have a son, who needs the suppor of his father in all ways. Y’all will have dealings and communication with the ex, and need to get along for the benefit of the boy. He should not be held hostage.

If she resents all that now, it will only be worse in a marriage, and I dunno what happens when y’all have babies, because with her atttitude I don’t see how everyone blends.
 
You know, if I were single today, I think I would conduct dating in the same way a job interview typically is conducted. lol No one would have to wear a suit …but I think that I’d be very interested in a person’s past, and evaluate then and there if that is something I’m willing to get involved with. It seems that we do dating a bit backwards…we allow our feelings to do the discernment for us, and feelings are really not enough when making a lifelong commitment to another person. I am joking a bit about the interview, but I know for myself, when I was single, I was very concerned about my now husband’s past (he is 10 yrs older than me) and somewhat grilled him about it. But, I make the choice to be with him. He was never married before…I know myself, and I don’t think at the age I was, early 20’s…I would have wanted to be married to a divorced man. That’s just me. Now, I’m 40. If I were single at 40, I have a feeling my discernment would be different…and it’s my right to not want to date a man, for whatever the reason. I wonder if I’d send a rejection letter to the dating candidates…that might be taking things too far. lol! 😛 😃

I agree with the above poster however, in as much as when someone truly loves another, then he/she accepts that person, and doesn’t hold his/her past against them. But, it appears like feelings got in the way of her deciding if this is really the life she wants. And in some ways, I can understand the OP being angry, because if they dated for a while now, why didn’t she back away sooner? Lots to think about.

Love and relationships are not easy, but we complicate them more than they need to be. While I see the OP’s gf entitled to her feelings, she also shouldn’t have dated this man for as long as she did, if she was resentful of his past and his child.

To the OP–pray fervently about this. I mean, fervently. If your gf wants to continue with you, she needs to accept you and not throw this up in your face…if she chooses not to accept it, then you need to break it off. It would be highly unhealthy to date someone who is resentful of your past. I don’t see how the relationship can exist with such sentiments. Good luck to you!:o
 
whatevergirl said:
You know, if I were single today, I think I would conduct dating in the same way a job interview typically is conducted. lol No one would have to wear a suit …but I think that I’d be very interested in a person’s past, and evaluate then and there if that is something I’m willing to get involved with. It seems that we do dating a bit backwards…we allow our feelings to do the discernment for us, and feelings are really not enough when making a lifelong commitment to another person. I am joking a bit about the interview, but I know for myself, when I was single, I was very concerned about my now husband’s past (he is 10 yrs older than me) and somewhat grilled him about it. But, I make the choice to be with him. He was never married before…I know myself, and I don’t think at the age I was, early 20’s…I would have wanted to be married to a divorced man. That’s just me. Now, I’m 40. If I were single at 40, I have a feeling my discernment would be different…and it’s my right to not want to date a man, for whatever the reason. I wonder if I’d send a rejection letter to the dating candidates…that might be taking things too far. lol! 😛 😃

I agree with the above poster however, in as much as when someone truly loves another, then he/she accepts that person, and doesn’t hold his/her past against them. But, it appears like feelings got in the way of her deciding if this is really the life she wants. And in some ways, I can understand the OP being angry, because if they dated for a while now, why didn’t she back away sooner? Lots to think about.

Love and relationships are not easy, but we complicate them more than they need to be. While I see the OP’s gf entitled to her feelings, she also shouldn’t have dated this man for as long as she did, if she was resentful of his past and his child.

To the OP–pray fervently about this. I mean, fervently. If your gf wants to continue with you, she needs to accept you and not throw this up in your face…if she chooses not to accept it, then you need to break it off. It would be highly unhealthy to date someone who is resentful of your past. I don’t see how the relationship can exist with such sentiments. Good luck to you!:o
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Well dang Sharon lets just say we are young, 20 somethings, not married etc, and I call ya on the phone for a date. When I come pick ya up, you’re gonna want my resume, and a cover letter? Are you gonna call my references and quiz them?

"hey what do you know about Guy?’

If you’re gonna call them I reckon gotta becareful about WHO I use for a reference. Some I better leave off. LOL.
 
LOL–Yes…I might call your references indeed. 😃 You would need to have 5. It would be good to also have an ‘objective’ statement at the top of your resume, so I would know why you’re interesed in applying. lol!

Oh, I also might require you to take a small exam to see how well you spell and so forth.

Of course…I’m KIDDING. 😉 No really I am. lol:eek: Maybe I’m not.😉 😛

But, the point is we discern the compatibility of a potential job candidate, more than we discern the background of a potential spouse. I’m convinced there would be less heartache and divorce, if we discerned more before marriage.:o In the scenario given to us by the OP…marrying this woman would be detrimental RIGHT NOW, unless she accepts him. I don’t see the relationship working if she really resents him having a son with another woman.
 
BamaRider said:
Well dang Sharon lets just say we are young, 20 somethings, not married etc, and I call ya on the phone for a date. When I come pick ya up, you’re gonna want my resume, and a cover letter? Are you gonna call my references and quiz them?

"hey what do you know about Guy?’

If you’re gonna call them I reckon gotta becareful about WHO I use for a reference. Some I better leave off. LOL.
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I know you meant this as a joke, but in reality, it’s not that far-fetched. Do we not check with mutual friends to find out general things about a person? If someone offers to “fix us up” with someone, do we not often ask questions about the person they want to “fix us up” with?
 
whatevergirl said:
LOL–Yes…I might call your references indeed. 😃 You would need to have 5. It would be good to also have an ‘objective’ statement at the top of your resume, so I would know why you’re interesed in applying. lol!

Oh, I also might require you to take a small exam to see how well you spell and so forth.

Of course…I’m KIDDING. 😉 No really I am. lol:eek: Maybe I’m not.😉 😛

But, the point is we discern the compatibility of a potential job candidate, more than we discern the background of a potential spouse. I’m convinced there would be less heartache and divorce, if we discerned more before marriage.:o In the scenario given to us by the OP…marrying this woman would be detrimental RIGHT NOW, unless she accepts him. I don’t see the relationship working if she really resents him having a son with another woman.
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Did you see the commercial for freecreditreport.com where he sings:

“well I married my dream girl,
I married my dream girl
but she didn’t tell me her credit was bad
so instead of living in a pleasant suburb
we’re living in the basement with her mom and dad”

implying that we should utilize their service to do a credit check on prospective spouses?

youtube.com/watch?v=geXLXH7m9Fk
 
ha–yes, Norseman. 😃 I cringe everytime I hear that commercial…it’s time to pull those ads…they are on every time I turn the tv on it seems! But, yes, I get your point!

Of course I’m being part tongue in cheek…but for far too many couples out there, there are crimson red flags flying high for all to see, yet they choose to ‘overlook’ them, and marry the person. Love conquers all, afterall. The truth is that if a large problem is present before marriage…and is not properly addressed and worked out…it will follow the couple into marriage. It won’t just vanish because the couple is now married.

Perhaps, J1, your gf is having second thoughts because she has taken the time to discern what life would be like as a stepmom, and you having contact with your ex. It’s not for everyone. I know if I were in my 20’s still and single, I would want to be the star of the marriage, there’s no room for another woman AND me. I am not the jealous type, but I wouldn’t want to be in that position. Only thiing I can think of, is your gf is discerning all of this now, since the topic of marriage has come up.

Just hand this over to God. If it be your will to marry this girl, He will move things around so it will be done. God bless!
 
I sincerely appreciate everyone’s response and in taking the time to read my post and offer the best advice you had to offer someone you don’t even know, however I think I may have done poor job explaining what I was looking for from my post and the nature of our relationship.

It’s nearly impossible to articulate in words to a stranger with no understanding what our relationship is like and the truly amazing, faithful, beautiful, selfless woman my girlfriend is, a woman who is struggling to deal with something that causes her great pain. Or the profound love we share with each other is something I never thought I was even remotely capable of, and in the ways I’ve grown and continue to grow as direct result of our relationship.

From the responses I’ve read, the consensus of her character could be summed up as selfish, petty and immature. If you knew her I promise that assessment would be much different. Like I mentioned before, she is struggling with a painful reality of my past. A past she should never had have to deal with if I had protected my chastity in love for my future wife, whether I know her or not is beside the point. She doesn’t want this to hurt her it just does, and I imagine most people can at the very least understand why. She and I prayerfully make efforts to lessen the pain but ultimately haven’t made little progress.

Hence my initial post. Support groups, websites, books from people who have studied or experienced this firsthand is what I was looking for. Personal opinions of her and our relationship, based on very little understanding of the situation I was not. Some of the concerns brought were valid and absolutely worth considering. But again if you had a better understanding of us your thoughts, I imagine, would change. For instance, my “ex wife” is a miserable woman who I never even consider getting back with. Or that, my girlfriend and I would never get married if she couldn’t fully embrace and accept all of me and give her live to me completely, so the fear of what kind of stepmother she’ll be doesn’t concern me at all. If we were to be married my son would be incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful woman in his life. A woman that would love him completely and be devoted to forming him in love and getting him to heaven.

Thank you all again for the responses.
 
Oops, so sorry–missed your last sentence in your first post. 😊

That being said…have you both sat down with a priest you trust to discuss all this? Maybe seeking a counselor who has counseled in simililar situation would be good, too. Unfortunately, I don’t know of any books…but hopefully, many on here can chime in and help. Good luck to you both!🙂
 
Well if Sharon is gonna make me bring a resume, cover letter, and call my references then I dunno. LOL. Do you prefer references from past girlfriends? If so just exactly what are you gonna ASK her??? What about my casual friends? And between the 2, which one is gonna give ya the most accurate info??

I’ll throw this question out there for anyone. (if you’re married of course you gotta pretend to be single, and put yourself in the present time) A person you wanna go out with is all hooked up on the lie detector. What question would you ask him/her first? I’d tell y’all mine, but I’m aftraid it will get me trouble. So I gotta pick another one.
 
Hence my initial post. Support groups, websites, books from people who have studied or experienced this firsthand is what I was looking for. Personal opinions of her and our relationship, based on very little understanding of the situation I was not. Some of the concerns brought were valid and absolutely worth considering. But again if you had a better understanding of us your thoughts, I imagine, would change. For instance, my “ex wife” is a miserable woman who I never even consider getting back with. Or that, my girlfriend and I would never get married if she couldn’t fully embrace and accept all of me and give her live to me completely, so the fear of what kind of stepmother she’ll be doesn’t concern me at all. If we were to be married my son would be incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful woman in his life. A woman that would love him completely and be devoted to forming him in love and getting him to heaven.
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Ok so what you are looking for is some way to push her past these feelings?

I dunno how you do that. Maybe she can deal with it, maybe she can’t. It sounds like the former to me. *Herein lies the problem. You have to accept her for who she is, **NOT who you think you can change her into. *

If your past bothers her, it must be something in how she is wired to cause it. All I’m saying at this stage of her life, she can’t deal with it. Maybe if y’all were to meet 10 years later, she could. Timing has a lot do with many relationships, many couples have everything going for them, but the timing is wrong. It is sad but true.

I don’t know of any websites or support groups made to help a potential spouse learn to cope with making a blended family, I’m sure they are out there. But don’t you think they are for folks who want to accept this dynamic, and not one that has to be tawked into it??
 
She either accepts it and deals with it or she doesn’t. The question is, how long are you willing to wait and see if that happens?

A good priest to talk to and time will be helpful. How much time is up to you. (though keeping a 7 yr old child waiting to see what will happen has its own set of issues)
 
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