Dating in a secular world tips or advice

[chevalier]

Being shy and being an introvert are two completely different things. I’m definitely introverted, but I’m not shy and I’ve never dated anyone.

I’m one too and the personality isn’t really a complete bar (that I technically have never been on a date is a different story altogether that I might narrate on a different occasion). It just removes the bonus opportunities coming from having interest in endless interaction with people. But there’s always someone at church, work, library, the shop, the street, the bus or train, one’d have to try pretty hard to cut it all off. Lately, I’ve decided online dating services aren’t bad after all, either.

 

[Bataar]

I’m one too and the personality isn’t really a complete bar (that I technically have never been on a date is a different story altogether that I might narrate on a different occasion). It just removes the bonus opportunities coming from having interest in endless interaction with people. But there’s always someone at church, work, library, the shop, the street, the bus or train, one’d have to try pretty hard to cut it all off. Lately, I’ve decided online dating services aren’t bad after all, either.

I guess it’s just different for different people. Meeting women at work, church, school, hobbies/interests aren’t options for me.

 

[EasterJoy]

I speak from many years of experience that the bolded part does not work if you’re pretty introverted and you actually want to date someone.

If you’re shy, you still have to screw up the courage to actually make contact with other people, this is true. You don’t have to fake that you’re extroverted, though. You could try, but it doesn’t work.

Likewise, a person who tends to make all the effort in the relationship is going to have trouble, too. That comes under this heading, I guess:
Work on the virtues and maturity that will actually make you a good spouse, not the ones that make you merely seem good.

If you go dating and don’t know the first thing about what makes a good marriage, it is like getting a marlin on the line and not having the slightest idea how to bring it in. It’s going to be a mess.

 

[EasterJoy]

You get it wrong, sir. Fun can’t be the primary purpose but it definitely can be there. The matter is not to reduce another person to a source of fun that comes from interacting with him. The value of the fun must not precede the value of the person himself. Hence I sometimes throw a punch or two at the “dating for fun” arguments. It can’t be as careless as playing spin the bottle at age 30 or so but there’s no obligation to be dull and grim. I do the latter as an extra.

Fun *can *come in? Fun and a sense of humor about yourself is not optional in a marriage. Well, I suppose it is optional, kind of like you can manage without one of your senses, if you’re born without it. Why would anyone do that on purpose?

Let me put it another way: If your sense of humor gets you through life, by all means make sure that it is a sense of humor that tickles whomever you date seriously. She/he doesn’t have to laugh at all your jokes, but there ought to be an affection for your sense of humor.

If you really don’t care if any of your friends have a sense of humor, if you don’t find joking around with your family all that big of a deal, maybe fun doesn’t matter/

 

[chevalier]

Fun *can *come in? Fun and a sense of humor about yourself is not optional in a marriage. Well, I suppose it is optional, kind of like you can manage without one of your senses, if you’re born without it. Why would anyone do that on purpose?

Let me put it another way: If your sense of humor gets you through life, by all means make sure that it is a sense of humor that tickles whomever you date seriously. She/he doesn’t have to laugh at all your jokes, but there ought to be an affection for your sense of humor.

If you really don’t care if any of your friends have a sense of humor, if you don’t find joking around with your family all that big of a deal, maybe fun doesn’t matter/

Sorry, ma’am, but you seem to be missing my point! Which probably means I said it wrong anyway.

From my point of view, a sense of humour is necessary in any vocation in life and hanging out with someone had better be fun if one’s to share a life! My point is that I simply denounce the idea of dating around for the fun of it, for the mere sensation. To illustrate this with an example, I believe going out with a different girl or different fella every day of the week and kissing each single one of them (other than hand on cheek!) is *not *justified by the “fun” it gives, and it’s wrong. Certain amounts of intimacy should be reserved for a more committed relationship. Am I clearer now?

 

[EasterJoy]

Sorry, ma’am, but you seem to be missing my point! Which probably means I said it wrong anyway.

From my point of view, a sense of humour is necessary in any vocation in life and hanging out with someone had better be fun if one’s to share a life! My point is that I simply denounce the idea of dating around for the fun of it, for the mere sensation. To illustrate this with an example, I believe going out with a different girl or different fella every day of the week and kissing each single one of them (other than hand on cheek!) is *not *justified by the “fun” it gives, and it’s wrong. Certain amounts of intimacy should be reserved for a more committed relationship. Am I clearer now?

Yes, that is clearer. I meant “fun” in much more of a grade school sense. (Well, the way grade school was back in my time at any rate. ) You mean that we ought not make other people into objects of sexual gratification, not even on the most surface level. Yes, that is absolutely right. That you like spending time with girls in cute little skirts does not justify encouraging your dates to wear immodest clothing. Fun is great, but only if it serves virtue. Fun is not a virtue unto itself.

On the subject of fun, though, it is perfectly OK for a couple to make that a low priority, if that is in keeping with their character. I’ve heard of Russians in this country being completely mystified by the stock Americans put in a couple being able to share a laugh. Many Russians simply do not think that your spouse has to be any particular source of humor in your life to be an excellent spouse. That’s OK, too. If you are going to find someone contemptible or believe they have a character flaw if they do not know how to take themselves less seriously, though, then establishing that in courtship is important. One could argue that this is a shortcoming in your ability to appreciate others, but you marry your spouse to the actual you, not the one that you ought to be.

 

[Sierrah]

Ok so this has started to get serious.

Dating as fun…I hum …I guess I’ve had limited experience with that. How many dates have you been on that you would say were actually fun.

For me it’s probably 1 out of five…keeping in mind that I probably go on 2 dates a year if that. It’s important to note that these where mostly first dates which I guess are hardly ever really fun.

 

[chevalier]

Ok so this has started to get serious.

Dating as fun…I hum …I guess I’ve had limited experience with that. How many dates have you been on that you would say were actually fun.

For me it’s probably 1 out of five…keeping in mind that I probably go on 2 dates a year if that. It’s important to note that these where mostly first dates which I guess are hardly ever really fun.

While technically I’ve never been on a date, as I mentioned above, I’ve had quite a lot of one on one meetings with ladies. Had fun plenty of times, actually, often a lot of laughing, and a good number of romantic situations, even though things never really have worked out in the end. People are often so stressed and they think it’s the end of the world, the sky’s coming down on us and whatnot. Relax! Be yourself. It’s not like getting engaged to a stranger.

I believe the way the word “date” is used might actually be a contributing factor to all the stress. Personally, I believe it’s rubbish to refer to the first get-to-knows or loose social meetings in ways that suggest romance, as “date” does (proof: doods don’t have dates with doods and gals don’t have dates with gals, proven). In fact, The way I am, I feel it borders on insulting a lady if a stranger man should embark on such an implication. The way I see it, people should hang out and be acquaintances, then friends and if things happen, then they do. (Just with the caveat of virtuous behaviour).

Sierrah, you still gotta tell me what a commitment phobic crook I am!

And what’s the “court” word everybody’s using? Haven’t had good litigation in nearly a month!

 

[EasterJoy]

Ok so this has started to get serious.

Dating as fun…I hum …I guess I’ve had limited experience with that. How many dates have you been on that you would say were actually fun.

For me it’s probably 1 out of five…keeping in mind that I probably go on 2 dates a year if that. It’s important to note that these where mostly first dates which I guess are hardly ever really fun.

This is probably why I probably went on a date with a guy who was not already a friend with whom I could relax, with the objective being that a courtship not yet going might result, about three time in my life.

Never again. My husband feels much the same way. We see people in restaurants who are obviously on “dates” and think, “Thank goodness I never have to do that ever again.” We’re hoping we last about the same amount of time, but otherwise, I’ll gladly be a widow for the rest of my life before going through that again.

Should one of us die and the other re-marry, I can be pretty sure it will be to a friend who was a good friend before there was ever a “date.” That is not a bad way to go, to be impressed by what someone is before that someone thinks to try to impress you. I think most people are a good deal more willing to go through the dating wringer than I am, though. There’s nothing wrong with that, I guess, but they can have it.

 

[Sierrah]

This is probably why I probably went on a date with a guy who was not already a friend with whom I could relax, with the objective being that a courtship not yet going might result, about three time in my life.

Never again. My husband feels much the same way. We see people in restaurants who are obviously on “dates” and think, “Thank goodness I never have to do that ever again.” We’re hoping we last about the same amount of time, but otherwise, I’ll gladly be a widow for the rest of my life before going through that again.

Should one of us die and the other re-marry, I can be pretty sure it will be to a friend who was a good friend before there was ever a “date.” That is not a bad way to go, to be impressed by what someone is before that someone thinks to try to impress you. I think most people are a good deal more willing to go through the dating wringer than I am, though. There’s nothing wrong with that, I guess, but they can have it.

I think it’s wonderful and probably a best case senario if you can be on a first date with someone you already know as a friend but that rarely happens. My guy friends are friends because there’s no attraction there…great guys just wouldn’t want to date them because of various things.

 

[Bataar]

If you’re shy, you still have to screw up the courage to actually make contact with other people, this is true. You don’t have to fake that you’re extroverted, though. You could try, but it doesn’t work.

Likewise, a person who tends to make all the effort in the relationship is going to have trouble, too. That comes under this heading, I guess:
Work on the virtues and maturity that will actually make you a good spouse, not the ones that make you merely seem good.

If you go dating and don’t know the first thing about what makes a good marriage, it is like getting a marlin on the line and not having the slightest idea how to bring it in. It’s going to be a mess.

The issue, I guess, is finding people you actually want to make contact with. I just don’t have a viable way to meet people. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s not an option for me to meet women through church, work, school or hobbies/interests.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Men and Women-

1. Be happy. No one likes hanging around someone who is mopey all the time
2. Be polite. Simple manners go a long way in a society where no one seems to have them
3. Realize that people break up all the time. It’s not the end of the world for a three month relationship to end.
4. The most annoying hating in the world is someone who constantly says, “Do you like me?” “Are you having a good time?” Insecurity is so frustrating. If your that insecure, sort out your personal drama before you start dating.

Women-

1. Men aren’t your girlfriends. Don’t expect us to act like them
2. If I don’t call/text every hour, it doesn’t mean I’m not interested. It means I have a life.
3. Commitment talk on the first date is stalker-ish. Please stop.

Men-

1. No means no. It doesn’t mean maybe, later, or possible. It means no. Go away, and don’t bother them again.
2. If a man overdoes the “romance” thing (flowers on a first date, walks on the beach, plays a violin to tell you how much he loves you) it reeks of creepiness. 3. Be a gentlemen. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t appreciate it.

DH gave me one red rose on our first date…sweet and not over-kill.

 

[spunjalebi]

I don’t want to be that married person spoilsport, but considering that the post is titled “dating in a secular world” I would assume that Christian advice should be given…yet some of this advice makes me cringe.

I am rather old fashioned. That doesn’t mean stereotypes of men and women old-fashioned, like the women should be the “prize” sort of stuff. Sorry, but that’s a little sexist.

When my husband and I were first dating, he made it very clear what his intentions were-- he was not out for “fun” all the time, and he had future plans. Whether or not I was going to be part of those plans was my decision. If I hadn’t been Christian, I would have probably balked and ran for the hills but I didn’t because that’s how I viewed relationships as well.

Dating/courtship should be about prayerfully looking for the partner you want to spend the rest of your life with through everything. That means through fun, sadness, joy, hardship, etc. I once read somewhere that a certain culture gives married couples a food that is supposed to represent the bittersweetness of marriage. Why aren’t people looking for a person like that when they’re dating? You don’t just want to look for a person who you can have fun with, but also look for a person you know you can live with and observe their characteristics. How do they treat their family members? How do they treat their roommates? Are they consistent about it? People are really good at hiding things and the best way to find out what a person is really like is to observe them carefully.

The secular world would say that when you’re dating it’s okay to put up a false face for a while in order to win the other person over. Yet when that happens, the other person doesn’t like your true self and we end up with divorces or premarital broken relationships where a lot has already occurred which should only be reserved for marriage. Secular society, and our society in particular does not like honesty from the start. I say do yourself a favor, along with the other person and be honest in a gentle and loving manner. It’s best not to lead people on.

I would also advise to not just guard your body, but also your heart. One thing that I have noticed with dating Christians is the lack of emotional modesty-- everyone is convinced that they are “madly in love” within a couple months and then wonder why their heart is breaking a couple months after that. Yes I think it’s important to have feelings and share those feelings but feelings and emotions can be tempestuous. I also don’t think it’s a good idea to just be giving away your kisses just because you are dating. We should refrain from sexualizing each other when you should be discerning the other person’s character.

Now that I’ve sucked all the fun out, I did say I was old-fashioned.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think it’s wonderful and probably a best case senario if you can be on a first date with someone you already know as a friend but that rarely happens. My guy friends are friends because there’s no attraction there…great guys just wouldn’t want to date them because of various things.

I know it rarely happens. It’s just that if the Lord sees me a widow and wants me to marry, he’s going to have to arrange it. I never want to go on another date again, and at this point in my life, I can’t see the Good Lord forcing me to try.

I guess when I shave my legs, I want to know that it won’t be for nothing! I’d rather the fellow wind up “just a friend” than go through even one more horrible round of a rather nice guy trying to impress me, and just not succeeding. Painful. Just painful. And if he’s looking for something and clearly disappointed that what I am is not it, it’s pretty tough to pull a fun evening out of that one, either. It was too depressing.

I guess I mean I like dates where a lack of attraction won’t ruin the evening. I could date a lot, back then, if no one cared if there was the slightest spark.

 

[EasterJoy]

The issue, I guess, is finding people you actually want to make contact with. I just don’t have a viable way to meet people. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s not an option for me to meet women through church, work, school or hobbies/interests.

Yes, that’s an issue. If I were young and never married, I’m sure I’d be up against the same thing. On the “don’t marry for wealth; hang around with rich people and marry for love”, I guess I would still hold out for “meeting people” who pass at least a rough screening when it comes to being Catholic. I’m too soft-hearted to want to “weed out” someone who will undoubtedly make some non-Catholic a very nice husband.

I remember someone saying there was an old lady who told her grandson: Don’t worry, boy, there’s not a scraggly horse out there, but you can find a scraggly bush to tie it to. I’m not even entirely sure what she meant, except that you only have to find the one. I liked that idea. Still do.

 

[chevalier]

I am rather old fashioned. That doesn’t mean stereotypes of men and women old-fashioned, like the women should be the “prize” sort of stuff. Sorry, but that’s a little sexist.

Now that you say “sexist”, I think it can have trophy implications, can’t it? The problem I see as potentially occurring with this approach is that it can lead particularly a young lady to think that:

1. she’s superior to men, as in she’s their better, and/or
2. she can’t and shouldn’t do or say anything to initiative, reciprocity or feedback, she’d then be overwhelmingly passive and non-responsive, or even downright cold and femaledogy.

This even though I agree with the basic notion of “prize” (some old-fashioned upbringing).

Now regarding #1, a man should treat a woman generally as if she were a class higher or so than himself (in those old-fashioned terms), but this doesn’t mean she should treat him as if he really were a class lower that she is (let alone her valet). Regarding #2, being cold and femaledogy is dangerous to health and causes heart diseases, as the Department of Health duly warns on every box of it. Being too passive merely leads to apathy and losing out on things in life.

I would also advise to not just guard your body, but also your heart. One thing that I have noticed with dating Christians is the lack of emotional modesty-- everyone is convinced that they are “madly in love” within a couple months and then wonder why their heart is breaking a couple months after that. Yes I think it’s important to have feelings and share those feelings but feelings and emotions can be tempestuous. I also don’t think it’s a good idea to just be giving away your kisses just because you are dating. We should refrain from sexualizing each other when you should be discerning the other person’s character.

:clapping:

 

[trinichiqn]

I have dated the wrong one, I have “non-dated” the wrong one. The next one I date is going to be the right one and the one who I will marry. So I am looking for someone who will honour, cherish and respect me, pray with me and for me. I am not looking for someone who needs 5-10 years to make up his mind, I don’t need you to love me on the day we meet or our first date but you don’t needs 5 years to figure it out. Someone who loves God above ALL. Someone who talks to and with me. He doesn’t have to be perfect just right for me.

 

[PatriceA]

Ok so this has started to get serious.

Dating as fun…I hum …I guess I’ve had limited experience with that. How many dates have you been on that you would say were actually fun.

For me it’s probably 1 out of five…keeping in mind that I probably go on 2 dates a year if that. It’s important to note that these where mostly first dates which I guess are hardly ever really fun.

Actually almost all of the dates with my now husband were the most fun I ever had with a member of the opposite sex. Our first date lasted close to 10 hours. I saw myself eventually marrying him on that date. When its right, its right. And like one poster already mentioned, I had placed it all in God’s hands before I met my husband. I stopped being in charge of the search. I stopped putting on any kind of “face”, I stopped trying to be what the secular world said a woman needed to be or to do to catch a man. Also, like another poster said, I wanted a man that knew what he wanted and didn’t take too long to figure it out. We were engaged within 5 months.

 

[Jay82]

My dating advice would consist of:

1. Be yourself.
2. Maintain your standards, values, and uphold your beliefs.
3. Strive to be the best person you possibly can (at all times).
4. Enjoy dating/courtship.

 

[Sierrah]

@Sierrah: I sign both my hands under the “prize” part and good things come from when a woman understands what she’s giving and what the value of it is. But some wrong things may come from telling oneself, “you’re the prize, you’re the prize.” It’s like with parents telling their children they’re the smartest… until they believe it. But once you get a lady that 1) knows it, 2) is still modest, then you can probably see me within melee range readying to join the fray. Any guy who thinks like I do and it works on him as well.

Being a traditionist when it comes to dating I prefer the guy to pursue. In the past I’ve not made the guy do enough work or not held myself to a higher standard…or have given in to the guys preferences…I have an easy going nature and tend not to hold my preferences as more of priority. I like to go with the flow in other words.